In order to hit all my morning plans, I had to get up early. So I did, waking up as terminal insomnia does before 6. I must of fallen back asleep though because I had a really weird dream after that. Anyway, I woke up again at 7 like I meant to, decided to shower and was out the door by 745.
Went to the farmers market with the intent to meet some friends but didn't text when I got there because I just wasn't feeling it. Wandered around the market (apparently at the same time as them lol, they must've been on the other side though) and while I didn't find kangkung I did get daun jeruk and some pepper dip. At 9 I went over to get my free bagel for bike week and I slowly ate it as I biked over to my office to put my stuff in the fridge.
I then biked to the stake center, a first for me. It took about an hour, could've been faster but I was biking slow. It was riding my bike that the big sad started overcoming me (the signs were of course already there). I'm glad I was already on the road so I could just keep moving forward, but I sure felt awful. I was entirely planning on just sticking around for the devotional, barely eating lunch and then leaving. Definitely not wanting to hang out.
Devotional went well. My comment about agency clearly impressed Sister Cordon because she referenced it like 3 times afterwards. There were a couple parts I near teared up at, because depression. I went over to the lunch (and was the first person to, hoping that others would follow) and got a sad plate of food. I then sat down and ate...with friends and actually the conversation at lunch was pretty good and I felt a tiny bit better. I was pretty open about feeling awful, though I'm not sure if people realized that what I meant was that I'm depressed. Might have to clear that up if it comes up tomorrow, since I'm trying to be more open and all. I didn't stick around to play volleyball though. I just (slowly) went home, stopping by my office on the way to get my stuff.
Things for the rest of the day were a little better than expected though. I didn't spend the whole time curled up and crying in bed like I wanted to in the morning. In fact, I didn't cry at all. It did take me a long time to pull myself into the shower and to record a 20 second song (Press Gang Redux) but I did eventually do those things. And I managed to go grocery shopping and got a pineapple to grill at our cookout tomorrow. And sat in on a phone lesson with the missionaries. So like I said, I managed to do things. And sure I still lay around a bunch and didn't do much else and slipped in and out of half sleep (and yet feel tired still) but I wasn't self-loathing and crying. Better than it could be, even if I am clearly depressed.
I will say that the one nice thing about this depressive episode is that I really am just sad. The self-hatred is way toned down and there's not much to feel guilty about. So I just feel bad. Which is better than a lot of my older episodes.
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