Summer Day 14 (Indepenence Day)

Still bummed out (honestly more bummed out than yesterday) but I think I'm starting to finally recover. Didn't even consider the Foreign Legion this time.

Woke up before my alarm because of course I did (luckily not too much earlier, I think I still did sleep in a bit). Eventually got out of bed and showered and wrote about patience. Then I messed around on the bass for a while. Worked on some of the songs I like. Around 1ish I finally left my room to eat a quick lunch and then I prepared for our event in the park.

It's like an hour bike ride there and was very hot. And I got rained on. But I made it. Played a bit of volleyball and as I was taking a break there was a(n unexpected) family call so I was on that while cutting pineapple. Then I played some other games and I was just getting stressed by all the people and of course being upset (despite swearing otherwise) so I eventually made up an excuse that I was going to check out a nearby store. Store was closed but that quick bike ride worked and it did calm me down quite a bit. Played kubb and spikeball and was a bit more sociable. 

Went home (slowly and took the long way). Did some noise rock on the bass, workshopping Fishing for Birds. The last two verses are probably going to be a noise rock/emo remix of the earlier verses (coming after the rap bridge...it is a pop song after all), since they're about love and stuff and I that really brings out the bitterness in me. The bitterness I need for that song.

Went over to the park to watch more fireworks. Lots of weaving through cars, it's great to be a cyclist. I recorded lots of the fireworks' booms and crackles with the hope to maybe sample some of them. They might work well for Doctrines of Annihilation (which I want to get progressively glitchier as the song progresses) and I think the crackly fireworks my make for a good shaker-type effect for Pits. Going home I was still pretty upset and of course upset with myself for feeling upset when I promised I wouldn't be. 

Got home, messed around on the wall a bit, wrote out my feelings in the secret diary and you know those made me feel better. I'm not too upset right now. It's valid to feel this way, even if it was just a crush and I wasn't even rejected (technically). I also set my mutual to the whole USA and started swiping a bit. No great pickings yet but you know, that's okay. I'm just dipping my toes back in and seeing what happens. Trying to show I can do it. I'm listening to a best of compilation of mxmtoons right now (because my musical taste is half midwest emo/math rock/old school post hardcore and half waifish indie singer-song writers) and the song the idea of you hit home. But like, it didn't trigger anything bad. More like "yeah I'm pretty dumb and that's okay" and "wow this is so relatable". 

Going running in the morning. And I have a bunch of meetings. And maybe a pool party. And just a lot of stuff going on. Maybe I'll get some work done on Fishing for Birds and really get that bedroom pop vibe I'm looking for. (Would you look at that, the sideline is super relatable too. Not making a move because you don't want to ruin a friendship (and also fear rejection)).

On patience

I am a patient boy

I wait I wait I wait I wait

I wasn't always so patient. I'd get frustrated and angry (I mean I still do). I never wanted to wait. I learned patience (and longsuffering) in many ways. The mission was a big one. Being forced to repeatedly be with people I couldn't stand, all day every day. Things not working out, repeatedly, all day every day. Enduring to the end (of 2 years). 

My life plan not working out. Coming to terms that We couldn't be together. That it was okay to do things slower than my peers. School, careers, relationships, marriage. 

Learning to cope. To just leave situations that were irritating me, making me angry. Taking walks or bike rides to be alone. Learning how to calm down. Realizing that I didn't want to be angry and yell all the time.

I am a patient boy

My time is like water down a drain

Everybody's moving, everybody's moving

Everybody's moving, moving, moving, moving

Please don't leave me to remain

In the waiting room

And yet like all virtues, being too patient isn't a good thing. Just because I shouldn't rush into things because that's what my peers are doing, doesn't mean I shouldn't do those things. I can't just wait for what I want to fall into my lap, even though I've been weirdly successful in the past. 

I only have so much time and it's one thing I can never get back. Even with an eternity, it is a precious resource. Life is short, biological clocks are shorter. 

Please don't leave me to remain, in the waiting room

But I don't sit idly by
I'm planning a big surprise
I'm gonna fight for what I wanna be
And I won't make the same mistakes ('cause I know)
Because I know how much time that wastes (and function)
Function is the key

It's time to move on. To take things into my own hands. I've been sitting idly by for too long. I might not have a big surprise but it is time to fight (myself) to be who I want to be. I'll make new mistakes but hopefully not waste time, waiting. Being patient.   

(Yeah I know this song is probably about being in jail but let me have my moment). 

On Soulmates

The word probably least used to describe me is "sentimental". In fact, people pretty regularly tell me that I don't seem like a sentimental person in the least (most recently, I got this Friday). I agree with this assessment. So from that point of view, this is a weird topic for me to approach. 

On Rejection

DSM-5 defines atypical depression as a subtype of major depressive disorder that presents with "atypical features", characterized by: ... Long-standing pattern of interpersonal rejection sensitivity (not limited to episodes of mood disturbance) that results in significant social or occupational impairment.

Reading that on wikipedia a few months ago was a key part in realizing that yes, I have depression. I mean that whole article was putting into words what I felt and why I felt like I didn't have "real" depression but seeing that was like "wait a second, that's me. That's that weird part of my anxiety, the reason I didn't recognize that I was socially anxious because it's the only big part of it." 

No one like rejection, but I've always wondered why I so fear rejection. Why I hobble myself so much instead of taking chances that all sorts of people, nerds even, take all the time. No completely, I'm mostly fine with being rejected by a job, at least before interviews (though maybe my rejection sensitivity manifests in sending out fewer applications than I should?). It's not just romantic rejections either. I don't go to events out of fear that people don't really want me there (luckily I've gotten a lot better about that one). And work. Why have I had so much trouble finding a co-advisor? Because I'm afraid to ask because I don't want to be rejected. It's part of why I was not a very good missionary.

I tell myself things like "well I just don't want to be intrusive." But that's an excuse; it's just me trying to frame my anxiety, my sensitivity as a good thing when it's not. A couple minutes is not intrusive. 

It's not like I even take actual rejection that badly. Like yeah I was hurt when the Rebound said no (in such a polite way too!). But I got over that pretty fast, I didn't hurt myself or anything. Just walked around in the cold and cleared my thoughts (though those couple of days were super stressful/depressing for reasons beyond just her. See here which was published after I asked but before she responded, about an event that happened before I asked). I can generally understand why I am rejected. There's usually not much hard feelings (except for Her, in the aftermath. But not now).

That's not to say it's all good. I probably give too much space afterwards, out of a misguided "well I don't want to appear pushy" instinct. Makes it seem like my whole point in building friendships was just to try for a relationship, when it really wasn't. Basically ruined the blossoming friendship between the Rebound and I, which sucked because she's cool and I didn't want to lose that friendship.    

I'm better than I used to be, even if I am still a nervous wreck. My coworkers love my prom story (which gets more absurd with each retelling). The crux of it is that I knew (!) and I still didn't ask Her to prom because I was so afraid of Her rejecting me. She literally asked me on a date like 3 days before prom! So I'm not that bad anymore. Even if I'm still pretty bad. 

So why do I fear rejection? Why do I let this anxiety control me? Why won't I ask the damn question? I know that I'm being irrational. I know that it's just my mind playing tricks on me. I know that I don't need to (and won't) wreck our friendship if the answer is no. I'm okay with no in fact, because I really value our friendship that much. So why can't I ask it? Why do I find every excuse to let it remain a question? 

Is it perfectionism? Is it just an irrational fear of rejection? Do I think I'm happier this way, imagining many lives that could be rather than taking a step to close them off into something more concrete? Does the liminality excite me? 

And why do I let it spill into my professional life? It's funny. I have no issue going to professors to ask questions. Or to argue. But as soon as it comes to forming a relationship that help myself, suddenly I can't do it. At all. Because I'm scared of rejection.

I really need a better therapist than this blog, anime and random music playlists. Though I'm not sure what the point is. I know my way of thinking is wrong, that everything will be okay and I just catastrophize because that's what I do, not because it is realistic. Does hearing it from someone else really make a difference? Or is it about having a stronger commitment mechanism?  

Counting Sheeple

Well another song under my belt. Fishing for Birds is almost done and I can move onto my next project.

Counting Sheeple has a long history. I have a facebook post from May 2011 that mentions trying to mix Power Electronics and Pop, so I've had the idea for that joke for at least that long. I think the GarageBand file originates from a similar date (but I don't trust that since it says all my songs are from that date). The notes file says that I started the lyrics in October 2017, but I think that might have been a new file  (especially since I reposted the status in like May 2017) after copying old lyrics from my ipod, so the absolute start date could've been a year earlier, while I was in Ethiopia. 

I had the lyrics done for a long time but it wasn't until recently that I actually committed to them, with some rearrangement of the verses to make the story flow better. They're clunky. The meter sort of works but the stress is all wrong (and the meter didn't work well with many melodies anyway). They're cringe. I'm bearing my heart in the worst of post-adolescent "poetry".

Counting Sheeple is part of my autobiographical trilogy on this album, along with Indian Summer Love and Fishing for Birds (Liminoid Abyss fits there too, but it was an impulse song and kind of different than these other three). In a way, it's the twin of Indian Summer Love and not just because of the bad pun (suck it Origami Angel! I've been pulling this since y'all were in middle school. Maybe, since I don't know their actual ages). Indian Summer Love was me processing the grief of a breakup, by focusing on my bad feelings. On how I felt betrayed, not just by Her but by myself. It's a song about self loathing and how relationships can make you feel bad. Counting Sheeple is also a way of grieving that relationship, by remembering that it really wasn't all that bad. That We did love and care for each other.

Counting Sheeple is about the summer of 2014, which was an important time for me. Each verse is based on a real story, a vignette of my life. Most of the moments weren't even that important, I doubt She remembers many of them at all. Just little memories that brought me joy (and even though I'm long over that relationship, still can bring a smile to my face). Even the conspiracy theme comes from the fact that Our relationship was sort of secret. It was Our conspiracy. Plus the idea of two people being involved in some sort of massive conspiracy but not focusing on it at all was funny to me, so I ran with it.

I couldn't figure out a good melody. This is always my problem, which is part of why I tend towards spoken word or rap or shouted vocals. I eventually decided that a good melody didn't matter that much. It's a power electronics song after all. The pop part comes from the lyrical content and the fact that there is an order to all my different synths. It's not just a wall of noise. There's a certain prettiness to it, even if it's 90% ugly.

I designed the lead, bass and "siren" a long time ago. It was only recently that I added in the pad, mostly for more fuzz and static. I'm pretty happy with how they all turned out, noisewise. As I said to my brother, I was really pushing GarageBand to its noise production limits. I made the bass too low. It's so sub-bass that I don't even think a massive subwoofer can produce much outside the chorus. That's what I get for not thinking about frequencies. It's so noisy though through the overtones (is that the right word?) so it's not like the bass is useless. It probably just isn't as felt and overpowering as I wanted it to be on a physical level. The initial chord progression I had on the lead was cool, I sort of messed it up when I had to extend the length of my verses. But it's power electronics, so that's sort of the point? The siren was whatever. Probably could have made it better, but it did fill out the upper range of the spectrum which is good. 

I pushed the vocals too far to the front (though I didn't brick the song, lol). Probably too understandable at this point for something so cringey and amelodic. I like the sound design on the vocals. Lots of feedback and static and noise, but not so much to make them totally ununderstandable. With a better singer and an actual melody the vocals might have turned out really well.

Really happy about the bridge. I counted (up to 29) and completely distorted the vocals to make something almost rhythmic and so so heavy. I then through in some super processed drums to add an extra punch. Originally it was a loop but I decided against that. Part of the no rhythms part of the song. 

Counting Sheeple is about a Jacob long gone. It's an artifact. But it's an artifact that I'm glad to have dug up, cleaned up and put on display. I'm glad to open up, in a way. To no one in particular (and in a very Jacobian, very obscure way) but more open nonetheless. Indian Summer Love is a lot more open with what it is about and why I felt that way. But this, this is good too. 

Sayings on the Cross: Reunion

And when Jesus had cried out with a loud voice, He said, “Father, into Thy hands I commend My spirit.” And having said thus, He gave up the ghost. -Luke 23:36. KJ21

Sayings on the Cross: Triumph

Therefore when Jesus had taken the vinegar, he said, It is ended. And when his head was bowed down, he gave up the ghost. -John 19:30, Wycliffe Bible

Sayings on the Cross: Distress

 Later, knowing that everything had now been finished, and so that Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, “I am thirsty.” - John 19:28, NIV

Spring Day 17

Got up, waited out the dregs of the storm and went to my office. Chatted with coworkers and prospective students for a bit before going to the seminar. Seminar was fine. After the seminar, discussed my identification strategy with classmates. They agree that this makes the most sense for my question but that's not really what I needed. Chatted more. Held office hours and just chatted with people since no one ever comes. Got food and then graded papers (about 1/4 of the way done and only in like an hour. Also a lot less pacing than last time I was grading. Probably less irritated too?)

Institute was really good. We covered the feeding of the 5000 and Jesus Walking on Water, which are well known stories but I actually got a lot out of them. Was quite talkative, since I had lots of thoughts and well I like to make them known, especially if others aren't being talkative. Econ seminar rules! I'll one thought I had (and shared) was about the feeding of the 5000 and I'll record the synopsis below because I'm pretty proud of it.

I've seen before people to try explain, or really deny, the nature of this miracle as being the result of people adding to the baskets as they were passed around, rather than the bread being miraculously duplicated. But like, if anything that's a greater miracle. Any common god can create something out of nothing or command the physical realm. But to change the hearts of the people and make them want to become better, more charitable? That's the point of the atonement and the true power of God. The enact a mighty change of heart, to cause people to want to act in accordance with God. That's much more miraculous than any sort of duplication of bread could ever be.

Makoto Shinkai night continues to go forward; people actually want to come. Ended up keeping it just to work people since more interest was registered than I expected and well the question still looms (no time to answer it). So I gotta clean the house tomorrow and do things like send out a time and address. 

Couple of songs I hadn't heard before but stuck out to me today. Bossa Nova Corps by Origami Angel ("I don't see what you see in me, like I'm some sort of deity"). In context, this seems to be about fame and how people now treat the narrator differently now that he's famous. But having been there in a very different context, man did that hurt. There's little scarier than someone telling you that you're like a god to them, utterly adored in a worshipful sense. Teenagers/very young adults suck. The other song was Running Wide Open by Coma Cinema ("I let the years go by I let no one know what's inside My broken heart keeps a beat just fine I don't want to die no more"). Dunno what the context is but those lines hit hard for obvious reasons. I was really bad as a teenager, convinced that I should die young, preferably in a shootout with the FBI. And well, that's not what I want in life anymore. Hasn't been for a long time.

Moodwise, I guess I was normal today. Talkative, fairly cheery even? Not to anxious or agitated, even concerning the (unanswered) question. Definitely not sad, though maybe just a bit more melancholic than yesterday? I dunno.

Sayings on the Cross: Relationships

When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, “Woman, behold, your son!”  Then he said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home. -John 19:26-27, ESV

Sayings on the Cross: Forgiveness

Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.  -Luke 23:34, KJV

Spring Day 12

 Got up. Weather was a bit ambiguous (it was supposed to storm all day but the storm didn't end up happening till the evening) so I decided to not go climbing and just hold zoom office hours today. Didn't grade since I didn't feel up to it. In fact, I didn't feel up to much today, despite feeling fine (I think? I'm not sure I know what feeling fine feels like anymore). At the very least, not depressed. Went shopping and ended up overeating (mostly grapes, lots and lots of grapes but even without that I'm sure I went over my calories, especially since I only biked like 4 miles today). Lay in bed for a bit, can't remember if I napped or not.

Later in the evening, I decided to dig through my boxes to find my old mission journal. Couldn't find it (already pulled it out?) but I did review my old medical records (man I was skinny in high school), and the letters I got on my mission. Well, the two handwritten ones at least. I also found a letter left unsent (should probably bury that) which was an interesting look into my post breakup mind. I completely forgot I had written it. Anyway, also found $20 in a birthday card I got on my mission and some old notes for my tabletop game/multimedia setting that I forgot I'd written. And a very short journal covering the last month of my mission + a couple days in Ethiopia that give a good look into my mindset then (Interesting thing I wrote in December 2016 about how I was doing bad (with no entries unfortunately) and then started feeling better and being productive before crashing again. I try to justify these crashes and the depression in general, but looking back I wonder if I do that too much). While writing out my thoughts and letters on electronics is mostly nice (no searching for a tiny journal!) there really is something lost in it. You can't see the scratched out words or the marginalia and footnotes. The shifting sizes and shapes of letters. The change of pen as I move from one day to the next. These electronic diaries are lifeless compared to the truly written word. 

For all my regrets about my life, about love and relationships and what has (and hasn't) happened, one thing I don't regret, in fact I am absolutely proud about, is that I've written (and received) love letters. Not love emails or text messages (though I've written those too). Actual love letters, delivered by a mail man and all. Letters that crossed continents and oceans to find their way to the one I loved. Letters written with ink on paper, simple lined paper, folded up and shoved in an envelope. The vestiges of a lost era, already long gone by my time, held alive only by the archaic rules of missionary life. It warms my cynical heart, lighting the room for the lost romantic hiding there ("On Romanticism" is another good essay topic). I look forward to one day telling my kids about how their dad kept this ancient practice alive (probably not with their mom though lol. But maybe I'll somehow end up in a situation where it makes sense :p).

Finished reading an essay comparing Joseph Smith and Kierkegaard's views on 19th century Christianity. Interesting enough, the parts on Kierkegaard's opinions on revelation and apostles were new for me. Having mostly only read his more existential stuff, I wasn't aware he was waiting (to a degree) for a revelator. The other day I read an article on George Albert Smith's depression, which was a good read. Forgot to mention that on here. The reason I bring it up is there's a funny little section about his dad (an apostle) sending him (also an apostle) a case of beer with a note saying it was endorsed by the prophet to help him feel better. I know the standards relating to alcohol were a bit different back then but it's still a funny anecdote. Reminds me of the time (senior pictures I think?) where my dad jokingly suggested that I try marijuana because maybe I would finally loosen up a bit and stop being so tense.

On Admonitions

There's two verbs that dominate my patriarchal blessing, "bless" and "admonish." Now that's an interesting word that you don't hear often.

While the word comes up throughout the blessing, it's most notable in the (fairly short) section about marriage. There's no "bless" there. No real information. Just a warning that I better do certain things.

When I received this blessing, it was mostly just weird. At that point in time, dating wasn't really a thing I did (jokes on you, it's still not 😅) and I wasn't really considering dating outside the church. Sure my testimony may not have been strong (and so some of the admonishments made sense) but a specific warning to marry in the temple? Seemed a bit egregious. Fast forward a year. I'm dating her and was in a situation where those admonishments made sense. I was prompted (I think? it's been almost 10 years at this point) to reread my patriarchal blessing and those admonishments really stuck out. I told her, in a very teary skype call the night before I left for college, that this was why we wouldn't work out. She disagreed. Well she won.

I thought that maybe I could still get things to work out. But you can't change people and shouldn't, not like that. Instead I slipped away, little by little, from my already precarious point. But that wasn't her fault.

So what is this blogpost? Like all "On [topic]" posts its only somewhat about that topic. I'm not really here to talk about being warned or my feelings on warnings. No, it's about how when I look back (as I have many times before) I'm reminded that my religious journey back (back up at the very least) really started here. Both with my rejection of the admonishment but also the fact that I looked in the first place. Or that something which at the time seemed so weird ended up mattering. Coincidence? Sure could be, but maybe, just this once, I'll interpret it as something else, something that matters for me.

A rude question

Doing "On Birds" tomorrow because that one is really dear to me and I might need the pick me up.

I have a coworker with less than stellar social skills. Even by the low standards of academia. One question he likes to ask is "Why aren't you married yet?" This of course is an incredibly rude question. But you know what, he's right in a way. There is a bit of deepness to it and I think it's worth answering. I'm 28, so I've been eligible for quite a while. I'm decently attractive, I'm funny and witty, I'm wickedly smart. I'm a good cook, fairly handy around the house, when I choose to care I do. I may not be rich, but I'm fairly well off given that I'm a grad student and I have a high earning potential (with or without a doctorate tbh). Without context (and especially knowing my religion) it is kind of hard to believe that I'm not married, or at least close to it. It practically begs the question of why. In no particular order (or maybe there is)