The word probably least used to describe me is "sentimental". In fact, people pretty regularly tell me that I don't seem like a sentimental person in the least (most recently, I got this Friday). I agree with this assessment. So from that point of view, this is a weird topic for me to approach.
Woke up like an hour before my alarm. Which ehh whatever. But I do note when this happens. Didn't actually get up until like 9, definitely went back to sleep for a while. Very lazily made it out of bed and showered. Weight is dropping which is good but I wonder if I'm losing my appetite. At lunch.
Went to my office, sat around. Did games at English corner. Went back to my office (but had no work because my boss hasn't responded to my email). Went to McDs and ate a couple sandwiches. Learned there's some pretty cool bands playing this summer at the Union so I marked those in my calendar. Went to go donate blood. Wasn't allowed to because my hemoglobin was too low (11.6) but I still got my beach towel (didn't even have to ask).
Institute was good, though I don't have much worth saying about it. I went to a lesson with the missionaries afterwards. We probably started a little before 9 and didn't end till 10. But it was good, even if the missionaries weren't quite adaptive enough to the circumstances and focused a bit much on the lesson they had prepared. We started by talking about repentance, which eventually lead to me talking about my mental problems (which the guy could relate to, though his depression was/is clearly a lot worse than mine. He apparently really liked that I'm accepting of my condition and treat is not as a cause or result of sin, but just a part of me) and also just flat out saying what I had to repent for. It was surprisingly easy. Anyway, rest of the lesson doesn't need comment, but the guy is a good guy, seems to have a solid head on his shoulders and was asking good questions.
Went home. As I was almost home, I heard a horrible screaming sound coming from the bushes. Pretty sure something was getting killed, and slowly. Or possibly a nest was being raided. Poked around the bushes but didn't find the source. Did find a racoon, but it might have been the racoon I saw go into the bushes after the screaming already started. Should've recorded it but alas.
So I got up, showered and prepared to go to church (after texting my mom, of course). Went to church, had a copy of my grandmother's book to read before the meeting. Meeting came and went. 2nd hour was fine. After church was the potluck, which went well. I had plenty of food. Went home, enjoying the nice day. Didn't do much else that day, except read some stuff (but not like any of my project books, just crap on the internet). Definitely napped/slept a bit and did some climbing too (people came over). Was basically really lazy. Where has all my motivation for everything gone? Am I returning to depression or not? Stayed up much too late doing nothing.
Being Mothers Day, I thought a lot about my family. One thing that really stood out to me was how my grandmother's experience being excommunicated for apostasy (she's certainly a heretic but is that the same as apostasy and deserving of an excommunication?) has affected my own testimony, personal growth and relationship with the church. It's somewhat weird to say, but her example in continuing to believe despite being kicked out, her stubborness but also integrity and the like certainly guided me to where I am today. Could be a whole post on its own. So yeah, thanks grandma, love you.
The parable of the prodigal son is a well known one that lots of people can relate to. I sure can, as has been hinted at and even discussed on this blog. Maybe I never went fully to the far off country, but I sure did in my heart.
More importantly though, I relate strongly to the elder brother. And not in a good way. To me, his story is ultimately one about resentment. The sort of resentment that you can't really know without being the eldest. And I hate that about myself and it definitely reflected in my comments about this parable during institute.
Resentment about feeling like you always have to be the stable point in the family. Resentment about feeling that you need to be perfect, because you are the example and if you aren't perfect all your siblings' failures are your fault. Resentment about your asceticism and martyr complex that may have developed because the oldest has to be the protector and you felt like you could never have anything until you made sure that everyone else's needs were met first. Resentment about being taken for granted because you were always there and you felt like no one needed to express their appreciate, because helping is just what you do and everyone knows that. Resentment about how they had so much more growing up than you did (not that your childhood was horrible or anything, just a function of family money). Resentment about how you felt you could never ask for help from the parents because they only have so much time and money. Resentment about how you felt you had to work and study twice as hard to keep your scholarships because you didn't want to be more of a financial burden than you already were since there's still 5 siblings who need to get through college and well, you're the perfect one who can be trusted to carry this burden. Resentment about how you felt you had to be the perfect mormon boy and couldn't be openly apostate because even though you weren't sure you believed anything you didn't want that to rub off on your siblings. Resentment about how you're an intensely private person because you didn't want to burden your parents or them with the details of your private life. Not that you had any privacy growing up anyway.
And jealousy. Jealous of the relationships you never had with your siblings that they have with each other and with your extended, because you moved 9000 miles away when they were still young and never got the chance to know them as teenagers or adults. Jealous of the trips you never went on because you were working or studying or just too far away. Jealous of the experiences you never had. Jealous of the parental support they got (like actually getting a therapist) and you never did because your parents learned a lot raising you they probably couldn't apply to you. I mean it's pretty fucked up when your kid gets so angry about a game that he decides he's going to commit suicide by standing in a river until he gets hypothermia and dies. And then he actually stands in the river. Obviously it wasn't a very credible threat but surely worth a follow up visit with a shrink when you finally had a home again, especially when your son already had a long history of (attention seeking) self destructive behavior and mood issues.
And they probably resent you too. Because you're grumpy and moody and angry. Because you're withdrawn, especially at family gatherings, and hide yourself and don't talk about your life or your feelings and you refuse to open up. Because you're mean and competitive and always itching for a fight.
Because you're self centered and an attention seeker and dominate every conversation you are in. Because you're perfect and everyone admires you and you set the bar so
high and tear anyone who gets too close down. Because there's no doubt you'll be successful and your life is already so well put together (lack of girlfriend aside, but you probably have a secret one anyway, since it's not like you ever tell them about your private life and you do have a history of secret girlfriends). Because you're free and independent and have been since they were young (and even in high school got away with all sorts of things they never could).
The elder brother would have gone into the party eventually. He wasn't actually angry about it, not in the long run. He loved his brother, I'm sure he did. He just needed time to process the fact that his brother was back. He needed time to process that all those demands he felt, the demand to be perfect and to be a good example and to work twice as hard to make up for his brother, weren't demands from his father but demands he created out of thin air for himself. He just needed to process that his father did love him, for who he was and not what he did (or didn't) do. It was never about the fatling.
And maybe he was throwing a tantrum because he didn't know how to open up about this to himself or to others. Maybe he was just looking for someone to ask him how he was doing. And maybe you do the same thing. Want the same thing. Maybe the reason you're so rebellious is because you want someone to stop you and ask you why you are acting like this. Maybe part of the reason you ruined a family temple trip was so that someone would confront you about it and ask you why you're refusing to renew your recommend. Maybe what you really fear was what you got, quiet acceptance and disappointment, nothing more. Maybe you want your family to pry more into your personal life. Maybe you want permission to be open. Permission you don't need but want anyway.
I love my family. I really do. I don't know how to express that to them. I don't know how to let them know that I care a lot. That I think about them and how they're doing all the time. That I'm proud of their achievements. That I'm proud of who they're growing to be, who they've grown to be. That I'm sorry for how terrible of a brother I've been a lot of the time. That I'm working on being happier and fixing what's wrong with my brain. So that maybe I can one day tell them this. That I don't really resent them (even if everything I said is based in truth) but sometimes I tire of fighting my demons. Or since they all saw Suzume, sometimes there's a big black cat god behind me.
We talk about the atonement a lot and how to overcome spiritual death. Which makes sense, seeing as that sickness unto death is something that affects us now, so wanting to know how to push it aside is important in the present. The resurrection, on the other hand doesn't affect us till we're long dead. It's far in the future and very distant to daily lives. There's an interesting duality here. The spiritual side of things is tangible, the physical is intangible. Not how you'd expect it to be, but such is life.
The resurrection is awesome though. Not just the not being dead part. I mean that's great but our intelligences have existed since time immemorial and will always exist afterwards. Death is only something to be feared in the moment, but not from an eternal perspective. No, the resurrection is awesome because bodies are awesome. That's the point of life, merging the spirit with a body. So that's why even spirits should be anticipating resurrection.
The problem with bodies though is that they are created and exist in a fallen world. So they're subject to fallen world things. Sickness and pain, physical and mental. Aging. Hunger. Not being able to do everything we want. So on and so forth. But the resurrection isn't just a return of the spirit to the body. Lazarus wasn't resurrected. Resurrection is the restoration of the body to its divine potential; its pre-fallen state. The bodies we wanted in the premortal life (to an extent I guess. I don't actually know what went on then. Wish I knew but that gets back to that existential question). That's the real power of physical death that defines resurrection.
It's not that I don't (mostly) like my body but man is that something to look forward to. My brain with chemicals in balance. Not being tired all the time. Not all the other aches and pains of mortal existence, and yet still having it? What a gift and a gift that everyone gets. That's what makes the resurrection special.
Anyway, just something I've been thinking a lot about this lentan season.
And when Jesus had cried out with a loud voice, He said, “Father, into Thy hands I commend My spirit.” And having said thus, He gave up the ghost. -Luke 23:36. KJ21
Therefore when Jesus had taken the vinegar, he said, It is ended. And when his head was bowed down, he gave up the ghost. -John 19:30, Wycliffe Bible
Later, knowing that everything had now been finished, and so that Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, “I am thirsty.” - John 19:28, NIV
Got up, waited out the dregs of the storm and went to my office. Chatted with coworkers and prospective students for a bit before going to the seminar. Seminar was fine. After the seminar, discussed my identification strategy with classmates. They agree that this makes the most sense for my question but that's not really what I needed. Chatted more. Held office hours and just chatted with people since no one ever comes. Got food and then graded papers (about 1/4 of the way done and only in like an hour. Also a lot less pacing than last time I was grading. Probably less irritated too?)
Institute was really good. We covered the feeding of the 5000 and Jesus Walking on Water, which are well known stories but I actually got a lot out of them. Was quite talkative, since I had lots of thoughts and well I like to make them known, especially if others aren't being talkative. Econ seminar rules! I'll one thought I had (and shared) was about the feeding of the 5000 and I'll record the synopsis below because I'm pretty proud of it.
I've seen before people to try explain, or really deny, the nature of this miracle as being the result of people adding to the baskets as they were passed around, rather than the bread being miraculously duplicated. But like, if anything that's a greater miracle. Any common god can create something out of nothing or command the physical realm. But to change the hearts of the people and make them want to become better, more charitable? That's the point of the atonement and the true power of God. The enact a mighty change of heart, to cause people to want to act in accordance with God. That's much more miraculous than any sort of duplication of bread could ever be.
Makoto Shinkai night continues to go forward; people actually want to come. Ended up keeping it just to work people since more interest was registered than I expected and well the question still looms (no time to answer it). So I gotta clean the house tomorrow and do things like send out a time and address.
Couple of songs I hadn't heard before but stuck out to me today. Bossa Nova Corps by Origami Angel ("I don't see what you see in me, like I'm some sort of deity"). In context, this seems to be about fame and how people now treat the narrator differently now that he's famous. But having been there in a very different context, man did that hurt. There's little scarier than someone telling you that you're like a god to them, utterly adored in a worshipful sense. Teenagers/very young adults suck. The other song was Running Wide Open by Coma Cinema ("I let the years go by I let no one know what's inside My broken heart keeps a beat just fine I don't want to die no more"). Dunno what the context is but those lines hit hard for obvious reasons. I was really bad as a teenager, convinced that I should die young, preferably in a shootout with the FBI. And well, that's not what I want in life anymore. Hasn't been for a long time.
Moodwise, I guess I was normal today. Talkative, fairly cheery even? Not to anxious or agitated, even concerning the (unanswered) question. Definitely not sad, though maybe just a bit more melancholic than yesterday? I dunno.
wbatša‘ šā‘yin: q‘ā’ yešua‘ bqālā’ rāmā’ we’mar, ’ēl ’ēl lmānā’ šbaqtāni di’aiteyh ’elāhi ’elāhi lmānā’ šbaqtāni - Mark 15:34, Peshitta
When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” Then he said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home. -John 19:26-27, ESV
And he said to him: “Truly I tell you today, you will be with me in Paradise.”- Luke 23:43, NWT
Got up, showered and prepared for general conference. Listened to the first session while working on my first easter post (and taking notes). Really like Stevenson's talk, since a greater focus on Easter is something I've been working on this year. Among other things. Eyring's talk was also really good, so the session was well bookended.
Went to my office to grade but by the time I got there (out the house late and also I saw some hooded mergansers so I just had to try to photo them), I only had a couple minutes before I had to leave to go watch the afternoon session at a friend's house. Session was good but I liked the first session more. Returned to my office and did not grade. Instead I looked up the cost of renting Weathering with You (apparently I got Your Name on sale, should've bought WWY when I had a chance) because I'm thinking about doing a Makoto Shinkai night this week before Suzume comes out next week. Will talk with work friends to see if any are interested and if so, will extend it out the ward as well. Then since I'm having charger problems, went to order a new charger and gloves (since I lost that mitten earlier this week). Haven't bought anything yet though because I need to measure my hand first.
Watched the last session in my office. It was very good, especially the last two speakers. Nattress hit really hard and would've hit even harder a few months ago when I was still trying to commit to (mentally/emotionally) coming back. The other part that got to me was about taking the next step, seeking the next ordinance. This probably won't be the year I get married, but it is time to put myself back on the market. Uceda inspired me to really think about my stewardship and consider both how I can reach out to every person individually and also what I need to do to find the one.
Went home. The sky was really pretty tonight. I think I saw Orion (I'm not good with constellations, as much as I love the night sky). Lots of deer at the deer watching spot. At this rate they're gonna start recognizing me. Finished my first easter post and then did this. I guess I'll go upstairs and either read some old notes or play video games. Definitely not grading tonight.
Is this what normal feels like? It's easy to forget when I'm in a depressive spiral (or in a hypomanic episode if I get those as well. Which like I said, I think I do but I need to talk with a psychiatrist about. Also I think that my last one actually might have started on Monday of spring break, with all those grandiose (?) thoughts. I just might be the sort of person where it manifests as more anxiety/irritation than elation). I'm not sad. I'm not overly anxious (though maybe I have nothing to be anxious about?). I'm not pacing as much, my focus is a bit better without needing to constantly get up. I don't feel so overwhelmed by everything. And of course, there's not really a reason that things should have changed. And yet they have. More to talk with the shrink, I guess.
Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots. -Luke 23:34, KJV
As regular readers of this blog are aware (I always get a kick out of saying that), mid to late February was a rough time for me. That of course coincided with the start of Lent. One of the reasons I revived this blog (and let it thrive) was because near the beginning of Lent I started reading up on the sayings of Jesus on the Cross and decided that I really wanted to do a series on them. While initially wanting to get all my thoughts out at once, I decided that doing them one day at a time, with seven landing on Good Friday would probably be the best way to do them.
I'm not interested in the theological implications of these verses. I don't care what "paradise" means or what prophecies were fulfilled. As I've mentioned before, I find the Bible a poor source for theology given that I have access to modern revelations. There's no need to pan for meaning when the river lies next to a gold mine. No, what I'm interested in is my relationship with the words and their themes. So in a way you could say that this are more "On X" posts. "On Forgiveness", "On Salvation" and so on. Named differently though; this is a formal series.
So look forward to that, hopefully it turns out at least a seventh as well as it is in my head.
There's two verbs that dominate my patriarchal blessing, "bless" and "admonish." Now that's an interesting word that you don't hear often.
While the word comes up throughout the blessing, it's most notable in the (fairly short) section about marriage. There's no "bless" there. No real information. Just a warning that I better do certain things.
When I received this blessing, it was mostly just weird. At that point in time, dating wasn't really a thing I did (jokes on you, it's still not 😅) and I wasn't really considering dating outside the church. Sure my testimony may not have been strong (and so some of the admonishments made sense) but a specific warning to marry in the temple? Seemed a bit egregious. Fast forward a year. I'm dating her and was in a situation where those admonishments made sense. I was prompted (I think? it's been almost 10 years at this point) to reread my patriarchal blessing and those admonishments really stuck out. I told her, in a very teary skype call the night before I left for college, that this was why we wouldn't work out. She disagreed. Well she won.
I thought that maybe I could still get things to work out. But you can't change people and shouldn't, not like that. Instead I slipped away, little by little, from my already precarious point. But that wasn't her fault.
So what is this blogpost? Like all "On [topic]" posts its only somewhat about that topic. I'm not really here to talk about being warned or my feelings on warnings. No, it's about how when I look back (as I have many times before) I'm reminded that my religious journey back (back up at the very least) really started here. Both with my rejection of the admonishment but also the fact that I looked in the first place. Or that something which at the time seemed so weird ended up mattering. Coincidence? Sure could be, but maybe, just this once, I'll interpret it as something else, something that matters for me.
So I liked this book but it's definitely a weird one. I get why the intro says that it's not for everyone. The characters can be a bit infuriating. At first glance, it literally goes nowhere. The writing style itself is a bit strange, like it is the transcript of someone telling a story, rather than the story itself being told (which I came to really like). I'm not going to try to avoid spoilers or anything, so adding in a jump break. Beware
Short post (am I losing my drive?).
Stewardship is an interesting thing and really something that should be brought beyond the specific contexts it does (religion and the environment). There's all sorts of things that are not ours and yet we are responsible for them. Protecting them, helping them grow and so forth. It's a good way of framing our responsibilities and remember the importance of the work we are doing.
I write about this because the other day I mentioned that my students are my stewardship. Which isn't a normal way of thinking about being a TA but maybe academia would suck a little less if we did think about it this way. For this semester, I'm in charge of helping this set of students have what they need so that they can learn about this topic. The university has entrusted me with these students and they (can choose to) trust me. I may not be responsible for their success but I am responsible for giving them the tools they need to succeed.
Do my students frustrate me? Yes, absolutely. Undergrads are undergrads and as annoying as I was as an undergrad, undergrads here are going to be worse because they're on average younger and less experienced with the world. Are they awful writers who ask dumb questions answered in the syllabus, assignment prompts or lecture? Yep. Would it be nice if they cared about their grades while doing work and not after I've already graded? Definitely.
But they're my students. I do want them to succeed because why wouldn't I? Even the annoying ones don't deserve to do poorly in life. They have lives ahead of them and while this class may not count for much, it's what's in their lives right now.
By framing their learning in this class as my stewardship, I'm putting more emphasis on my responsibility to help them. And hopefully that trickles down a bit, while helping me be more patient, caring and able to see how I can serve them.
This is really disjointed even for a ramble but whatever
In the strictest sense, liminality refers to the state that you are in during rituals that move you from one state to the next. Or something like that, I'm not an anthropologist. In the modern world, few people encounter many of these rituals. They of course still exist (or at least in a close enough sense). Take the rituals of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (hence called Mormon because I don't have time for political correctness and you all know what I mean). I can think of two that might qualify: baptism-confirmation (the movement between outsider to member), initiatories-endowment (movement from the lower law to a higher law). I thought that sealings may count but on second thought, probably not. There's not really a point when you lose your old status. Honestly even the endowment might be stretching the definition but whatever. And yet, the actual time spent in a liminal state for each ritual is small. A child might spend mere minutes between baptism and confirmation; an adult maybe a day to a week. From initiatory to endowment (or even just from the beginning of the endowment to the end? The end of initiatory to the beginning of the endowment?) is a couple of hours. That's not a long time, since these rites of passage, these rituals are not all consuming.
But liminality in the strict sense isn't what I want to talk about. There's all sorts of times in life, in my own life for sure, where people, like myself, sit in between states, at loss of an identity. In "popular" culture there's a lot of talk about "liminal spaces" such as hallways, airports and train stations where everyone is in transit. The gaps between our destinations. They fascinate certain segments of the internet. But that's not what I mean. I'm talking about certain life stages that people may or may not reach. Aspects of progression wanted (or demanded) by culture and existing between them. It's a subjective liminality, nested liminality, relative liminality.
Here's an example from my own life. I finished exams in early May, but graduation wasn't until the end of the month. For a few weeks, I existed in this sort of liminality. I was neither student (nothing to study for, no obligation to go to classes etc) and yet I had not yet crossed the threshold to become a graduate. I was nothing (and it felt good, fwiw).
Another example. I will finish my last class in about 6 weeks (give or take). At that point, I will not really be a phd student. However, I don't become a dissertation until I complete the arcane ritual that is the proposal defense (or quit, that's the other way to escape the liminality). Stuck in the middle, neither student nor researcher.
Singles wards are something of a liminal space (especially at universities but I digress). Composed of people who are not children (in fact, from most points of views are adults) and yet not fully entered into adult society. There's a constant churn, people moving in and out, people marrying, even people divorcing. Of course, no one is forced to go to the singles ward but even outside of it they'll always still be in that state. In this sense, the singles ward isn't the cause of the liminal state and the discomfort that comes from being in it. Rather, it is a refuge for those in liminality, those trying to find their way out of it. A place for rituals of the liminal to escape the liminal. Or not.
Life is a liminal space, from an eternal perspective. At some point we begin the ritual of exaltation by coming to Earth. With that comes the stripping away of our divine identity; the veil makes us forget all. We become nothing but the dust of the Earth. We exist in this space but eventually get our memories, our identities back. Some find it sooner than others. Some never complete the ritual. But we all exist in this space for the time being.
Death is a liminal space. Lincoln in the Bardo was a weird book that I only like 3/4 listened to but it does do some interesting things with the idea of death being a liminal space. That being said, from a Mormon perspective death is still a liminal space. You've lost your body and all the good (and bad that comes with that). In prison or paradise, you're stuck until the resurrection. Unable to fully move forward.
Liminal spaces are in liminal spaces. I've existed in liminality for 10 years, mostly but not entirely as a consequence of my choices. I could have tried harder to advance, to cross the threshold, but maybe I've been too comfortable. Maybe it simply wasn't time yet. So I've waited, I don't know for what. And waited. Stood around and waited more. Looked the threshold in the eye and then turned around (and what a good thing that was!). Waited more. Watched others cross, some quickly and some slower. Some had been there before me, some long after. Waiting and watching and waiting and watching and waiting but never crossing and rarely making movement to. Almost more a guard than a participant (or a prisoner?)
Putting all that aside, thinking about this earlier inspired a new song. i stared across the liminoid abyss but made no eye contact. I was thinking about this idea about life being a liminal space but also being full of liminal spaces. More specifically, I was thinking about thresholds we choose to cross (or not). Train stations are sort of the prototypical liminal space (and give more choice than an airport) so I decided to use waiting for a train as a metaphor here. Or more specifically, tell the story of someone waiting for a train but being unsure if they wanted to get on it. Wrote the lyrics pretty quickly and they sounded sort of morbid so I decided to give the song a ridiculously emo title (which of course has meaning on multiple levels). Of course, I had to sample "mind the gap" because it's an iconic subway feature but also because a liminal space is literally a gap and the song is about someone minding that gap, instead of crossing it.
At first I was unsure if I wanted to include this on Fishing for Birds or leave it for Doctrines of Annihilation. Doctrines of Annihilation is meant to be an album about (among other things) depression after all. But it's also about salvation and healing which isn't really whats going on in this song. Fishing for Birds doesn't have an explicit theme but looking back at the songs that have made it on, it does have this underlying idea of growing up, of moving on, of change and how some people change faster than others (and some don't change at all). In a way, the whole album is about liminality. So this song makes a lot of sense for it after all. And at this point, I really just need to finish two more songs to call it done, which is nice.
