Your Name: how to do the remake right

So there's been a push (by Japanese investors iirc) to do a westernized live-action remake of Your Name. Completely unnecessary but let's suppose that there's no way to stop this venture. What currently is being done (at least the rumors I've heard) and what should be done to actually capture the spirit of the movie? Spoilers below, obviously.

On Birds

One hobby that I didn't mention in "On Hobbies" is birdwatching. I love birds and I love watching them. But why? Well I think that's a story worth telling. 

Like many a child, I really liked dinosaurs. Had lots of dinosaur books, knew those dinosaur facts. Great stuff, dinosaurs are (my current favorite is Therizinosaurus, which I do not remember from my big books but is absolutely S tier). Back in those days, dinosaurs didn't have feathers. It was one of those things that might be talked about, hypothesized even but it surely wasn't a common depiction. I still remember listening to Science Friday (with Ira Flatow) on NPR one day while being picked up from elementary school and the discussion topic was the discovery of evidence that some dinosaurs had feathers. At least I think that's what this was about. I don't actually know if this memory is true, but that's memories for you.

Birds are dinosaurs, so that's pretty cool. Feathered ones too and feathers are pretty. I've liked birds for a long time. They're fun to look at; they're fun to watch. I've been blessed to live in places with some pretty cool birds, something I really didn't appreciate until much later. But even back then, I did like seeing papagaio in our trees. I appreciated the burrowing owls at the church even if they didn't appreciate me. It was never nice to be chased by the mean birds (quero-quero, it was only much later I learned their english name is the Southern Lapwing) but they were a part of my life too. Traveling outside the city, I'd occasionally see toucans and caracara, even rhea. Never going out my way to see birds but certainly enjoying them. I never really knew the birds of Indonesia, unfortunately. I saw some big bats though.

It was Ethiopia were I really got into birdwatching. My time in Ethiopia really sucked. I was isolated and trapped (even setting aside the whole "no leaving the city" rule imposed by the government). My job sucked (when I had a job). Was still getting over being dear john'd. Internet was intermittent at best. Like I said, not a great time in my life. But you know what Ethiopia has? Great birds. I loved seeing bee-eaters and sunbirds and even hawks outside the many many windows of that castle. Vultures waiting at the abattoir on the way to church. Mousebirds at the school (I think at least). So, so so many birds. 

In October, we went on vacation to South Africa, which was great. My brother and I decided we'd try to see (and identify) as many different birds as we could. South Africa was where I discovered the hoopoe (such a great bird), purple crested turacos (I spent so long trying to figure out what the beautiful bird with red wings was...we didn't have internet most of the time while in South Africa) and just a bunch of awesome birds. I was hooked.

I've done better since my Ethiopia days. I've done worse since my Ethiopia days. No matter how I am feeling, birdwatching has been an excuse to spend my time clearing my mind and forgetting myself. To be in nature. To appreciate what's around me, for as little or as long as it will be. Sometimes I go for the challenge of seeing something new. Recording what I see but usually...

I'm a bird appreciator. Many of my favorite bird moments haven't come from trying to find birds but simply being at the right place at the right time. Seeing my first loon on one of the lakes here. Coming across a snowy owl while riding home from the climbing gym. Seeing a kingfisher diving on my way home from work. Coming across a flock of eagles on the Provo river. Watching cranes dance. Getting divebombed by a hummingbird. Hearing the redwing blackbirds, a sign that winter is coming to an end and spring is nigh.

To me, birds are freedom. The fly where they want. The birds don't care about my problems; they got tons of their own. They're a reminder that as much as the world may be weighing me down, there's just so much more out there. Birds are the interplay of constancy and change. The birds are ouroboros. They may fly away for months at a time, but they'll be back. Maybe different birds, but they'll be back all the same. Things change, life grinds on but there will always be birds.  

Birds are inspiration. Their colors, their songs, their dances, their feathers. The birds aren't for us and yet they can drive us to do more. One Halloween (this year? I might have time) I'll start...and finish my superb bird-of-paradise + plague doctor costume. One day I'll get mix my synths right to be like a redwing black bird. Birds make me want to not just consume, but to create. To be more than I am right now.  

I love birds.

Spring Day 1

 Didn't get much work done today (except reading a paper) but I did train another TA in my grading style. No one showed up to office hours of course. The weather was quite nice and I got a book from the library (more on that after I finish it). Learned that the university bike center does not have the tools I need (impact screwdriver + 8mm hex bit). Continued to ignore important emails. Class ended up cancelled (not just cut in half), so I was all ready to get to FHE on time. Went speeding over the train tracks and bam! double flat. Carried my bike a mile and a half on my shoulders to the church. Was 25 minutes late for FHE. Built a first aid kit. Regaled the missionaries with talk about fixers, bombs and the many many weird people I met in Indonesia. Went home (got a ride masyallah) and looked at the issue with the bike I was using (other double flats). Didn't see where the flats actually happened (I thought it was at the valves but maybe not?) so I guess I'll figure that out in the morning. Worst comes to worst, that's two inner tubes I need to pick up (not sure about the size though. 32mm is the thickness but I don't know the diameter). Went upstairs to fix my other bike. Still can't get the pedals or crankshaft off (I really do need an impact driver) but I did replace the cassette (after some effort getting if off). I think I over torqued the new one so ooops. Once I get the crank off though, replacing it will be easy and then I'm done. 

 Felt pretty good overall today. I was even pretty chipper when I got those flats. Shoulders hurt a ton though. Tomorrow is technically my day off, but it looks like it will be busy with repairing those flats and of course the work I have due Wednesday. 

 Future posts I've been thinking about doing

•  A rude question
• On Grading
• On Zion
• On Birds  
  

Spring Break Day 6

 Is it really spring break if it's the weekend? Anyway, yet another diary post.

Got up and decided to go climbing. Was very cold and windy, with that snow that stings but doesn't stick. Got to the gym and learned this was the one Saturday morning when it wasn't empty. Wasn't looking forward to waiting so I powered through a bunch of V1-V3s (probably closer to V2 at the hardest, I'm not great at this) and burn myself out in 45 minutes. Probably could've gone on longer but I really wasn't feeling it. Then took the very long path home (commuter path to arboretum to the other lake and under the highway rather than over); updated my facebook profile pic while in the arboretum. It was still very cold but since the snow wasn't sticking at least I didn't have to deal with slipping. At lunch, wrote a song and then blogged about it. Played vidya. Since I'm truly in my early Kierkegaard period, I wrote some more. Avoided looking at my work email.

I'm feeling quite a bit better, so I'm really hoping this episode is over. Over a month was long enough, thank you very much. My appetite continues to come back; I had an extra large lunch because of it. 

My CV remains unupdated and my main bike continues to be broken. Really gotta fix that tomorrow (even though I'm coming home late probably).

On Hobbies

The other thing I was thinking about while climbing and biking today was about why I have the hobbies I do. Which is a weird thing to think about, except when doing hobbies I guess. Which is what I was doing. Honestly "What hobbies do you have?" is one of the icebreaker questions I hate, which might more sense as this post evolves. I generally just mumble something about biking and climbing and then move on from the topic.

There's many reasons people have hobbies. To have fun. To meet people. Sure this applies to me too, to some extent. I do enjoy climbing and conlanging and writing and the like (not sure if I enjoy biking but I guess revealed preferences say I do. I prefer it to other forms of exercise at least). And I guess I meet people climbing and spend time with them. But is that really why I have the hobbies I do?

I have hobbies because I want to improve myself. I climb and bike and cross country ski because these are way. Climbing is strength training (for my forearms at least) in a much less boring way than lifting weights. Biking and skiing are more enjoyable cardio than running. I enjoy these and they (theoretically) make me healthier and stronger. Hopefully when I express in writing or music I find ways to work through those feelings and overcome them or at least get help. Creating a world requires me to understand the world and learn. Learn about things I might not otherwise. People ask why I know so much. I don't, I just read a lot (of wikipedia).

I have hobbies because I want a refuge of control in my life. I hate feeling like I don't have control over my own life. That's why I'm fiercely independent when it comes to transportation. It's not because I don't appreciate rides but I like having the freedom of movement for myself. Control for when I come and go. When my life is going bad, I sink myself into my hobbies (see: this past month) because at least I have some control there. A world I construct is one that I can guide into what I want it to be. I choose how long I travel and where I go. I choose what problems to work on. I choose what my instruments sound like and how they come together. I am an arranger, nay a creator in my own little space. Beyond returning to me a sense of control, my hobbies can also distract me from my thoughts. That's why this blog exists, basically. 2017, especially early 2017 was a really hard time for me so I buried myself in conlanging here and on reddit.

And yet, I have hobbies to explore the world and maybe even commune, for mere moments, with the divine. There's nothing like a quiet bike or ski trip to clear my head while enjoying nature. Or finding just the right words or right combination of sounds to sort of bring what's in my head into the world. Even something like conlanging has a discovery process. Things just click and feel right for what I'm working on. It's almost mystical in a sense, like I am uncovering esoteric knowledge rather than creating it. I remember one time on my mission, on a p-day or a little before bed (I don't remember) when it came to me that I could use reduplication for all sorts of things. It was a transcendental experience.

I have hobbies for myself and no one else. That's why I write about random topics on a blog no one reads. That's why I make music no one listens to (and I'd be kinda scared if people did listen to it). That's why I partake in the secret vice (truly the loneliest of hobbies, conlanging is). These hobbies work for me and I don't particularly like sharing them. I climb not to hang out with people, but because I like it for myself. I'll go on all sorts of ski trips or bike rides alone because they are for me. I play to no one and I like it that way. That's why I hate the hobby question (also because explaining conlanging is rarely worth the effort. "Oh you make languages? Why?").

I don't excel in many things. I'm a mediocre climber. I bike and ski slowly. My conlangs are far from award winning (though I should have gotten an award for being one of the better trolls on r/conlangs). My writing is sloppy. My music helped inspire a tumblr dedicated to bad music (one of my proudest moments, really). And I don't care because this is for me.

On Liminality

In the strictest sense, liminality refers to the state that you are in during rituals that move you from one state to the next. Or something like that, I'm not an anthropologist. In the modern world, few people encounter many of these rituals. They of course still exist (or at least in a close enough sense). Take the rituals of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (hence called Mormon because I don't have time for political correctness and you all know what I mean). I can think of two that might qualify: baptism-confirmation (the movement between outsider to member), initiatories-endowment (movement from the lower law to a higher law). I thought that sealings may count but on second thought, probably not. There's not really a point when you lose your old status. Honestly even the endowment might be stretching the definition but whatever. And yet, the actual time spent in a liminal state for each ritual is small. A child might spend mere minutes between baptism and confirmation; an adult maybe a day to a week. From initiatory to endowment (or even just from the beginning of the endowment to the end? The end of initiatory to the beginning of the endowment?) is a couple of hours. That's not a long time, since these rites of passage, these rituals are not all consuming.

But liminality in the strict sense isn't what I want to talk about. There's all sorts of times in life, in my own life for sure, where people, like myself, sit in between states, at loss of an identity. In "popular" culture there's a lot of talk about "liminal spaces" such as hallways, airports and train stations where everyone is in transit. The gaps between our destinations. They fascinate certain segments of the internet. But that's not what I mean. I'm talking about certain life stages that people may or may not reach. Aspects of progression wanted (or demanded) by culture and existing between them. It's a subjective liminality, nested liminality, relative liminality. 

Here's an example from my own life. I finished exams in early May, but graduation wasn't until the end of the month. For a few weeks, I existed in this sort of liminality. I was neither student (nothing to study for, no obligation to go to classes etc) and yet I had not yet crossed the threshold to become a graduate. I was nothing (and it felt good, fwiw).

Another example. I will finish my last class in about 6 weeks (give or take). At that point, I will not really be a phd student. However, I don't become a dissertation until I complete the arcane ritual that is the proposal defense (or quit, that's the other way to escape the liminality). Stuck in the middle, neither student nor researcher.

Singles wards are something of a liminal space (especially at universities but I digress). Composed of people who are not children (in fact, from most points of views are adults) and yet not fully entered into adult society. There's a constant churn, people moving in and out, people marrying, even people divorcing. Of course, no one is forced to go to the singles ward but even outside of it they'll always still be in that state. In this sense, the singles ward isn't the cause of the liminal state and the discomfort that comes from being in it. Rather, it is a refuge for those in liminality, those trying to find their way out of it. A place for rituals of the liminal to escape the liminal. Or not.

Life is a liminal space, from an eternal perspective. At some point we begin the ritual of exaltation by coming to Earth. With that comes the stripping away of our divine identity; the veil makes us forget all. We become nothing but the dust of the Earth. We exist in this space but eventually get our memories, our identities back. Some find it sooner than others. Some never complete the ritual. But we all exist in this space for the time being.

Death is a liminal space. Lincoln in the Bardo was a weird book that I only like 3/4 listened to but it does do some interesting things with the idea of death being a liminal space. That being said, from a Mormon perspective death is still a liminal space. You've lost your body and all the good (and bad that comes with that). In prison or paradise, you're stuck until the resurrection. Unable to fully move forward.

Liminal spaces are in liminal spaces. I've existed in liminality for 10 years, mostly but not entirely as a consequence of my choices. I could have tried harder to advance, to cross the threshold, but maybe I've been too comfortable. Maybe it simply wasn't time yet. So I've waited, I don't know for what. And waited. Stood around and waited more. Looked the threshold in the eye and then turned around (and what a good thing that was!). Waited more. Watched others cross, some quickly and some slower. Some had been there before me, some long after. Waiting and watching and waiting and watching and waiting but never crossing and rarely making movement to. Almost more a guard than a participant (or a prisoner?)

Putting all that aside, thinking about this earlier inspired a new song. i stared across the liminoid abyss but made no eye contact. I was thinking about this idea about life being a liminal space but also being full of liminal spaces. More specifically, I was thinking about thresholds we choose to cross (or not). Train stations are sort of the prototypical liminal space (and give more choice than an airport) so I decided to use waiting for a train as a metaphor here. Or more specifically, tell the story of someone waiting for a train but being unsure if they wanted to get on it. Wrote the lyrics pretty quickly and they sounded sort of morbid so I decided to give the song a ridiculously emo title (which of course has meaning on multiple levels). Of course, I had to sample "mind the gap" because it's an iconic subway feature but also because a liminal space is literally a gap and the song is about someone minding that gap, instead of crossing it.

At first I was unsure if I wanted to include this on Fishing for Birds or leave it for Doctrines of Annihilation. Doctrines of Annihilation is meant to be an album about (among other things) depression after all. But it's also about salvation and healing which isn't really whats going on in this song. Fishing for Birds doesn't have an explicit theme but looking back at the songs that have made it on, it does have this underlying idea of growing up, of moving on, of change and how some people change faster than others (and some don't change at all). In a way, the whole album is about liminality. So this song makes a lot of sense for it after all. And at this point, I really just need to finish two more songs to call it done, which is nice.

Spring Break Day 2

Continuing these posts because it's a big week and the closest I'll get to keeping a journal anyway (just like how that one really angsty letter I wrote in 2017 used the idea of letterwriting as a framing device to cover what was going on in my day and the thoughts about it. No you can't see the letter).

I did get the letter sent off. Took a lot longer than I thought, not just because writing in Indonesian is hard and I wanted it to be perfect, but also because I get anxious about this sort of thing. There's no going back after you hit send and by doing so, I closed off infinite possibilities. That's angst for ya.

After that, I went on a bike ride. Turned around about half way because there was construction and I didn't want to bother going around it. Still probably did somewhere between 12 and 14 miles, which is okay. Then I moped around a bit more, took a long time to eat dinner and decided that I'm gonna try to get through Sickness Unto Death. Or at least start it since it is a notoriously dense book. A lot of my Kierkegaard study up to this point has been things from books like Fear and Trembling and Either/Or but the concept relating despair, authenticity, sin and faith is intriguing to me, especially right now. Maybe I'll blog about it later.

Tomorrow is a lot of grading and some other stuff, so we'll see how it goes. I need to update my CV too. 

Spring Break Day 1

So I ended up skiing for 4+ hours today. I wasn't going fast or anything, just thinking a lot and I lost track of time. Ended up getting sunburned too, because of course I did.

Anyway I went through a whole bunch of hypothetical situations in my head, ranging from "really probably not happening" to "never happening lol". That's normal of course; it's just what I do. What is more interesting is that these were fairly positive, when normally I am very negative about myself, my future and how people might treat me. I came to a lot of realizations about myself and my situation.

What's more impressive though is that for the first time in a while, I felt I could change things. I was visualizing ways of fixing some problem or some of the burdens that have been . I felt a desire to be apologetic and try to right some of my many wrongs. Overall, I feel like I've actually been experiencing a mighty change of heart.

Even stranger? I've started acting on them. I've felt guilty about being a bad minister for a long time and today I actually reached to some of them so that they'd at least know who I am (not to all of them yet though. There's one who I'm afraid I might have offended last week and so I want to make sure my apology is good. Maybe I'll see if I can catch them after sacrament on Sunday and then re-evaluate from there. I was thinking about the internships I haven't applied for and started writing (in my head of course) the emails I need to send, with every intent of actually doing that tomorrow. I would've done it today if I hadn't gotten home so late (4+ hours of skiing, plus packing and unpacking my bike, plus travel times plus a quick trip to Walmart to grab somethings I forgot to get on Saturday) and the wifi had been working when I got home.

I'm still depressed, there's no doubt about that. I'm still anhedonic (especially wrt food; which makes dieting easier but also emphasizes my anhedonia since I love food). But my mood is getting a little better, at least temporarily. I'm still no closer to knowing why I'm here. But I'm becoming a bit more accepting of that; accepting that I just need to be ready to do what God wants me to do. I still hate a lot about the situation I'm in. But I'm remember that it's okay to be unhappy and that being unhappy and hating my life doesn't need to mean that I hate myself or make things difficult for myself because I feel like that's what I deserve. Most importantly, it doesn't mean I need to drag down others with me.

So yeah, oddly productive day even though I basically spent most of it skiing.

I did it

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An existential question (or not)

Sad posting again already because apparently I was just in the eye of the storm and had a mini breakdown in the shower, followed by actually crying while writing this. (Also the skiing conditions were absolutely miserable yesterday though I'm glad I went. Did dampen my enthusiasm for going out this morning though).

"Why am I here?" is one of the most common existential questions. We humans crave having meaning to what we do and that meaning can come from a lot of different sources. We need to decide what the answer is for ourselves, since our experience of the world is what drives our actions, independent of any objective actual truth.

That's not what I mean by this question though. I mean quite literally "Why am I here, in this city, in this program?" When people ask me why I chose to be here, I dance around the question. I'll say things like "there were professors I wanted to work with" or "It's a good program" or even "It felt right" without explanation. But those are non-answers since they don't address why I chose this program over others (more specifically a well regarded California program). I don't talk about that, even with members, because it's a deeply personal, even spiritual experience (in fact, I consider it one of my anchor points for why I stay). Those outside the faith couldn't understand. Those inside can understand, but may also understand why I hate sharing these sorts of things.

But I'm going to talk about it now because it is important for the question I posed earlier. I think it was back in early 2018 when my current institution first came on my radar. I was looking at potential masters programs across a variety of fields and learned said institution was highly rated in a certain field (not my current field of studies). Nothing came of that, but it did plant seeds in my mind. Fast forward to spring of 2019 when a recruiter for a local tech company reached out to me. I wasn't interested in it (and later learned I really dodged a bullet) but yet more seeds were planted. In late 2019, when I decided that I would go to grad school, I remembered that masters program I looked at years before and saw how my current program was rated and decided I'd apply for phd programs along with a couple masters programs as back up (lol). I finished my application here the day before it was due, well after the priority deadline and got an acceptance letter back very quickly after that. But that's not the personal part. The main rival school on paper was a better fit. Slightly higher ranking and better placements. Professors more closely aligned with my interests. Closer to family. Better weather. More opportunities for field work and for studying the things I wanted to study (like the intersection between agriculture and development). But when I attended this school's grad day zoom call (thanks Covid) I strongly and repeatedly felt that I should go here. Looking back at my notes, I have things like "felt an impression here" and lots of circles, underlines and exclamation points. I didn't know why (I thought it might've been about working with certain professors or centers here but now I don't think that's the case, more on that later) but for once in my life I decided to actually act on them. I decided to come here and it felt right then even though no rational person should have made this choice.

So here I am, almost 3 years after that day and over 2.5 since I moved here (by September, it will be the longest I've lived in one place since middle school, some 14 years). I'm miserable. Despite at one point being my cohort's star (and honestly, probably still am at least for dev) I feel abandoned by the department. One professor I was planning on working with suddenly retired, another one doesn't want to advise me despite everyone else thinking we should work together (and to be fair our interests have diverged in the last 3 years anyway). I can't put together workable research project, let alone one that someone is willing to sponsor or advise on. It's been 4 years since I've left the country and I feel trapped. 

And yet, despite so desperately wanting to just quit I still keep getting that feeling that I'm still supposed to be here. Such a strong feeling. For a long time I thought it was for my intellectual benefit but as outlined above, I now don't think that's the case. So I have no idea why I'm here and it's driving me crazy. I'm so tired of not knowing.

I finally got around to watching Your Name the other week (a birthday present to myself). I loved it. Anyway, I'm thinking of it now. Not the soulmates stuff (since that's bull) but the idea of going through our life feeling like you're looking for something but not knowing what it is. A person? A place? A job? The ambiguity is distressing.

Am I here because there's someone I'm supposed to meet (for their edification or mine or both)? Have I already met them but just haven't done what I'm supposed to do? Am I supposed to be here so that someone else comes here and does what they're supposed to do? Is there something I'm supposed to learn here? Something I could only do here? Or would be in the best circumstances to do here? Why does it feel like I've been drawn to this city of all places for years? Why am I here and will this feeling ever go away?

All I have to go on is a line in my patriarchal blessing (for whatever that's worth; I certainly have found comfort in it before but it's definitely filtered through man and man's interpretation). "I bless you to realize that the Lord will place you in circumstances and locations which will be for His purposes which will be an eternal blessing for you." Reading this again today left me crying (second time in one day, I'm a real wreck). I can only assume that me being here has something to do with that but it's not much to go on.

Anyway, I need to get on with my day. Can't just mope.

On ephemerality

I woke up around 6:45 today and after waiting for my 7:00 alarm, I got up and looked outside. My street was a mess and there was like 7 inches of snow on the ground, a lot more than I was expecting. The snow was wet but not too slushy or icy, unlike the last few storms. Meant I didn't go climbing this morning but do plan on skiing this afternoon/tonight.

If there's one thing that living here (which is easy to find out but I won't say it) has taught me, it's to take advantage of the snow. We have cold winters, but not necessarily snowy ones (growing up in Cleveland basically every winter was 60+ at the airport, often getting close to 100" in my area because I lived on the snowy side of the city. Here the winters generally average around 50"). When we do get snow it comes down a lot at once and often doesn't stick around for long, especially for XC skiing. So if I want to ski (and 95% of the time I do), I need to be willing to drop the things I am doing and seize the moment. If I put it off because I am too busy or too tired or too lazy then I'll miss out on one of the things which makes me happy, with no idea when snow will return.

In general, snow is the quintessential ephemeral phenomenon (that's a pretentious phrase right there). Merely touching it causes it to vanish. In fact, light itself will melt snow away, leaving only mud in its wake. I saw it today even, newly fallen snow dripping off sunny roofs as the the temperature crept above the melting point. I just hope there's still enough by this afternoon let alone tomorrow morning (when I plan on skiing again). That's why I grasp at every chance I get.

Life is ephemeral. This isn't something the average person thinks as much about, since from our mortal perspective our life is the exact opposite of transitory and fleeting. It's all we experience after all. Yet it is just a glimpse of the span which is eternity. Our one chance to experience life and that's not something to be wasted. The other way of looking at the ephemerality of life uses insight from game theory. A game with a finite number of periods can be solved backwards. An infinite game can't. Life isn't infinite, and yet we can treat it as such since we don't know what the number of periods will be and thus don't know what point we are working backwards from. In that sense, no matter how long a life is, it is always fleeting because it could disappear. Just like the snow.

 So take time to do the things you want to do because you don't know when you can again. Visit those dumb tourist attractions. Eat good food.      

PS- tagged this as a diary post since it is actually about my day even if it got philosophical. Plus, it's not really a diary post hiding masking a sad post. I want to do more of this in general, to keep a record of myself on the cloud.

A piercing question

I was asked a question yesterday which can basically be paraphrased as "Is everything you say a troll?" Conversation was moving too fast to actually answer said question but I have been thinking about it a lot since then. The answer is no, but if the question was "Is everything you say a shitpost?" then it might be yes. But it is easily possible that 85-90% of what I say isn't really a true reflection of my beliefs, but my just saying shit. I'd also so that my level of shitposting is directly proportional with the size of my audience. Catch me one-on-one and I'm a lot more likely to be sincere, honest or forthright (though not entirely of course). Which is probably why I shitpost less on my blog, seeing as I have an audience of none.*

Another, more important dimension of this question is why. Why am I like this? Well, I'm contrarian by nature and so like taking the opposite views as everyone else.** It also factors into my love for a healthy (or toxic) debate. Sophistry is fun. So it's just something I enjoy. However, there's a lot more to it. I think that a decent sized part of it is that I use it as a defense mechanism. Defense against what? Good question.

Part of it is that I'm an extremely private person (he says on a public blog) and by always taking absurd positions, it's harder for others to know my true beliefs, my true feelings, my true opinions. So it acts as a smokescreen of doubt on everyone else. Hopefully so they don't pry but at the very least so they don't know without caring enough to ask. And maybe it's to protect my feelings from people who disagree. After all, they don't know if they are disagreeing with me personally or some absurd position I've taken for the lols. 

And maybe part of it is to hide my true feelings from myself. Is constantly joking about leaving a joke or am I treating it like a joke so that I don't quit my program? No one knows, not even me.

So yeah, I'm a proud shitposter. I'm a long time troll. And that's all fine in moderation.

*It's hilarious how hard it is to find this blog (minus looking at my facebook profile of course...though I just fixed a link I didn't realize was broken. oops, we'll see if I regret this). I can google my name + blogspot and it's easier to find a reference to the time I introduced a band at a random concert in Jakarta than it is to find this blog. I really am yelling into the void. For some SEO I might regret Jacob Bills blog blogspot conlangs Kikxo blogging (I've never done SEO before). 

**Some of my greatest hits include basically all of Šyþed Pyklez (especially "The Donkey Wants to Run" and "Eat Shamu"), the time I argued in a political science class at BYU that all laws about clothing are government oppression (including anti-nudity laws), writing to city council as a kid (for cub scouts?) to complain about us being a nuclear free zone, the time I wrote to a congressman (for scouts) to advocate for not banning/legalizing horse meat, and being Vatican City at MUN and giving a speech about how if this resolution was passed God would set the world on fire. There's a lot more of course and I have mellowed out since high school (apparently) though I still argue for sweatshops when around my leftier friends and against marriage as a government institution with rightier ones.

An update to: Melancholic Bitch (9/2017)

Still making the same joke about this being a band and not a self-description (though it is). Anyway, this post is now wrong. I can get NKKBS Bagian Pertama on bandcamp. Also they've changed their name to Majelis Lidah Berduri, which preserves the MLB theme but is a bit less offensive.

Bad Faith and Parties

Being the patron philosopher (and Saint, tbh) of melanchoic young wannabe christian men, it's no surprise that I'm a big fan of Søren Kierkegaard. All of his work is great but some of his best stuff comes from his journals because there's less pseudonyms and more authentic Kierkegaard. One of my favorite examples is the following:

I have just now come from a party where I was its life and soul; witticisms streamed from my lips, everyone laughed and admired me, but I went away — yes, the dash should be as long as the radius of the earth's orbit ——————————— and wanted to shoot myself.

The imagery is fantastic. The ending is a great subversion of the beginning. It's so pithy. Going into it a bit more though, it's not just the OG sadboi being sad though. It's a look into what it means to be authentic, sort of like Sartre's idea of bad faith. He's depressed but masks it well and then feels even worse about it because he's presenting an inauthentic version of himself.

Anyway, I bring this up because I find it really relatable (and was at a party earlier). I may not be the life of the party, but I'm witty enough and people do seem to generally like me (or at least pretend like they do real well). When I choose to, I tend to hide my depression pretty well (same with my social anxiety for that matter. I doubt most people realize how socially anxious I am, especially since I am a decent public speaker; it's just interpersonal stuff I really don't like). Even when I don't, my extreme sarcasm works as a pretty effective mask. It's amazing what you can say and people just roll with it.

Since I've been particularly depressed this past week or so (tends to happen late february/early march) some cracks have been forming in my mask. A friend noted the other day that I looked happier than I had in a while (there was free pizza and I do love free pizza; also it was a mentoring event and mentoring is one of the few aspects of my job I enjoy). Another friend asked if I was okay after a particularly morbid remark. So we'll see if I get noticeably worse (or better) in the next little while. The whole fact that I'm self aware about the state I'm moving through is interesting for me too. Even if I'm eating less, I know why and can monitor my weight to make sure I'm losing a healthy amount (ie, no more than a kilo a week). It also makes it easier to force myself to do things I don't want to (like say, going to a party). Which in a way makes it harder to believe that I'm depressed. So we'll see. Spring break is coming up and I'm looking forward to that.

(And as a "legal" note, no I'm not suicidal or anything like that. Just feeling low, inauthentic, fatigued and maybe somewhat anhedonic)  

  

On Deuteronomy

I've been reading more of the bible than I tend to do recently. Mostly because we're covering New Testament. The Bible is not my strong suit, beginning with the fact that I don't see the point of trying to prove our doctrine using the Bible when other other sources explain it better (and are "purer" in a sense). In fact, I don't see the point of proving doctrine at all. 

That being said, I do have an interest in reading apologetics and people who do try to study this stuff. Recently, I've definitely become a Deuteronomy truther. Mostly because it aligns with my priors as a monolatrist and someone who's suspicious of the Bible. The alleged parallels of Israelite practice with Lehite teachings in the Books of Nephi are interesting though (even if possibly overstated). I definitely like trying to understand the humanity of the prophets and the contexts they live in. 

I'll get to my beliefs in another post, but things like this strengthen my beliefs really because recognizing things like the Bible are very much products of people helps move past issues with the text. Not to mention I find the whole insistence of claiming monotheism (rather than embracing the monolatrism of Abraham and his people) to be lowering our religion to fit with the ideals of the world. So seeing an example of this anciently is fun.

So yeah, there's a lot wrong with the Bible but the Gospels are decent at least (though still too politically motivated and greek)

 

 

This year

While this blog is nominally about conlanging (hence the title) it is also my general purpose thoughts blog (hence the title). Conlanging is a lonely art, even when shared. Ultimately the only person to please is yourself or as Tolkien said "Here were no base considerations of the 'practical', the easiest for the 'modern mind', or for the million – only a question of taste, a satisfaction of a personal pleasure, a private sense of fitness." There's a power to that, to play only for yourself. That's the other purpose of this blog: to yell what I want to the world in a very public way, with the pleasure of knowing that despite this blog's open connection to my name (and presence on my facebook page!), no one will look.

Grad school leaves little time for conlanging (I tend to fill what little time I have with mindless video games) but I do think a lot. My commute leaves me upwards of an hour a day for that. I'd like to put more of those thoughts on paper (or on the internet as it is). So maybe I'll actually engage with this blog this year.

I have many goals this year. I'd like to move to dissertator status and maybe even have a good draft of a paper by the end of it. I'd like to actually travel for once (preferably on someone else's dime). I'd like to finish "Fishing for Birds". I'd like to cast off my pride (or at least some of it) and truly submit my will to my faith. I'd like to move forward in life instead of spinning my wheels and maybe confront my anxiety, my fear, my angst. I'd like to be a happy man.

 I'd also like to learn how to replace a drivetrain but that's because I broke my bike this week. So more of a short term goal.

Some tv show ideas

 I'm currently avoiding the massive pile of work (and have been avoiding for quite some time) so I figured I'd blog some of my more creative thoughts. Thoughts that have been kicking around my head for a decade.

I am not the creative type, in the sense that I'm no good at "the arts". In fact I am very much a consumer in the pejorative sense of the word. But I have been fascinated by creative processes for a long time and have always been something of a world builder. And so my whole life, I've entertained myself by (mentally) sketching out games, novels, movies and so on. It must've been around 2011 when I expanded to thinking about western animation as well clearly inspired by My Little Pony. And so now I finally am writing down some of those ideas?

But first, why western animation, especially those more oriented towards youngish people. One because that's what I knew but I also think there's some interesting constraints when you're trying to make something appealing to kids that can still draw in and appeal to an older demographic. Also I like pissing off those people.

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The Mythos Wyrm Show

This was basically my take at a parody of somewhat plot driven but still slice of lifey/episodic, 9-13 year old target audience with a large teenage/young adult periphery demographic, that I based around a skeleton of characters I'd been using forever. It's a pretty big archetype but apparently it's still around. Anyway, the main conceit is that there's this tightly driven plot but everything is aired out of order (except the first episode and the finale). Oh and main characters can die/permanently disappear. So you never know exactly why a character is or isn't in an episode, nor do you know if inconsistencies are because of bad writing or character development. The main idea is that the Demon Slayers are fighting a war against the Demon King and this is their journey to unite a bunch of imps/other demon tribes in rebellion against the Demon King. Oh and trying to work with a mysterious Afrit who claims to be the former ruler of this plane and his four disaster themed sons...

I've even thought up some episodes. The series opens up with a POV of Mythos Wyrm waking up and someone commenting that he got hit on the head. Then there's some introductions (a reminder of what he showed already know but hey, maybe that brick caused some memory loss) and we're off.

A play on the idea of the bottle episode would be a two-parter (aired together, I'm not that much of a monster) where Mythos Wyrm and the Demon King end up stuck in a cavern together and have to work together to get out, all while discussing their feelings and philosophies (Mythos Wyrm's semi-anarchism vs the paternalism of the Demon King). Just to end up fighting again when they get out. 

The finale would be a grand assault on the Demon King's palace, where all the remaining characters end up dead, while Mythos Wyrm fights the Demon King in the throne room. But then, as he's about to kill the Demon King, the world falls apart around him and he ends up in a modern office, where he learns his tv show is being cancelled. Then he rampages around, eventually finding the executives, just for a brick to hit his head and everything goes dark...

Oh and all the main characters are sort of 1 dimensional animated show archetypes (with twists), like the comic relief character who mostly relies on reference humor (which lands flat to the other characters and the viewers because it is all out of day). Or the chick who exists basically because these shows always have a chick in order to appeal to an audience you're never capturing.

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The Šyþed Pyklez Show

Classic sitcom about an up and coming band and their struggles surviving (while being bankrolled by the main character's record executive dad). Complete with an unlikable main character and terrible songs. Their sitcom archnemesis is another band ("The Knights of Shythe) who are actually successful but are considered sell outs. Not much more to say about it

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Unnamed Island Hopping Show

This one is based on an RPG setting that I've been tossing around ideas for at least half a decade (Actually over 6 years by this point), but I'll fully admit that the idea of doing this as a tv show came after watching Castlevania and Avatar: The Last Airbender this past fall. One of the big ideas I've wanted explore is a story where there is a chosen one and the main characters interact with the chosen one but also aren't really part of that story. And this setting would be a good place to explore it. Another thing I want to do is make sure that the characters are masters of their own fate, rather than passive and reactionary. But that's a broader writing problem.

The setting (and this tv show idea) deserve their own posts so I'll just outline it here. The son of a colonial administrator is hired to be a scout/guide/bodyguard by a priest who wants an escort to the capital of one of the local kingdoms. But soon enough it appears he and his friend (a newly arrived soldier/constable) bit off a more than they could chew on this mission, as the priest is more than he appeared to be and the tenuous peace between the colonists and the locals starts to unravel...

Season two would continue with them and another traveling companion, now considered fugitives and deserters, deciding they'll explore the Treasure Island instead. But when they get captured by an old pirate king, their only chance of freedom is uncovering information about a mysterious and charismatic new pirate prince, the Jago Hitam who poses a threat to both the traditional power structures and the colonial administrators...

The third seasons follows our adventurers in the Treasure Islands. This is the most episodic of the seasons, as the protagonists hop island to island and try to avoid the war that's engulfing the rest of the archipelago. Rather than directly continuing the plot, the main purpose of this season (other than generating action figures) is really diving into character motivations, like the protagonist's feeling of conflict between his father's nation and his mother's home and how the group can't just keeping running away from their problems. Oh and it dives more into lore as well, especially with all the ancient ruins spread across the islands...

The final season is a return to the main islands and a race to stop the potential end of the world by solving the mysteries of civilization past. But can the protagonists actually prevent a prophecy from happening? And does it even matter that the protagonists may not be able to effect change outside their own lives?

 While I assume what would draw the most Avatar comparisons is the Asian influence and the many different cultures but honestly that's unfair. The magic system is based around capturing spirits and summoning (so basically pokemon combined with alchemy), not elements; the different cultures aren't really different in magic or philosophy (as usually seen in Avatar clones); the cultures themselves are very Austronesian/Pacific instead of East Asian; and rather than deconstructing the Chosen One trope by showing how much it sucks, it's more about controlling one's destiny even in a world dictated by the Chosen One. But wanting to incorporate cool martial arts (in this case based on pencak silat), that's an actual Avatar influence.

Anyway, this one is worth more discussion so I'll blog about it more some other time.

 

Open Letter to John Curtis

Representative Curtis:

First of all, I appreciate what you have done for Provo as mayor and you have been a much better representative for UT-3 than your predecessor. That being said, recent comments made by President Trump are very disturbing, and I feel that a condemnation is appropriate. I am not a fan of Representatives Ocasio-Cortez, Tlaib, or Omar. However, President Trump racist twitter attacks on these individuals (telling them to return to their countries, among other things) do not represent Utah at all. We a state with a proud immigrant tradition and a long respect for religious freedom.

Furthermore, today President Trump accused Representative Omar of being an al-Qaeda sympathizer (Link to the speech https://twitter.com/atrupar/status/1150814058268037120). As members of minority religious group, we cannot tolerate these sorts of attacks. My ancestors (and yours as well) were driven out of the United States to the Great Basin because other people felt that they could not be welcome in American society. Even today, some people of the church still spread rumors about terrorist groups and paint us as sympathizers of terrorist attacks like the Mountain Meadows Massacre. What President Trump did in this speech is very similar to sort of slander that our people suffer. We need to stand up for all religious minorities and their privilege to worship how, where or what they may, without being attacked for their beliefs (and there is no reason to believe that Representative Omar supports al-Qaeda except that President Trump thinks all Muslims support al-Qaeda). Joseph Smith and Brighman Young clearly taught that even in Zion, all religions would be protected and have a say within government and therefore we must strive to allow this in these times as well.

Please stand up for the values that have made Utah one of the most successful states in the Union, despite being outcasts in the desert. Please demonstrate the rest of the country that in Utah, we respect people of all races and religions. Please show your charity towards all people and reprove President Trump with sharpness.

I believe in Utah and I believe in you,


[Name Removed]

I did good things today

A lot of the time, I feel like I don't do much good. That I just kind of move through the motions, doing things because there are things. Not making an impact. Just moving, another tooth in a cog in the machine of life. Around and around and around.

I helped with a booth today, spent about 2 and half hours telling people why they should consider a minor in international development (and then later helping at the IR booth). And you know, I enjoyed it. I like the idea of helping people figure out how they can use their own individual interests and apply it to a more global setting. I think I might have actually helped someone make a decision that could have huge impacts on their life and other peoples'.

One in particular stands out. Some guy, he was unsure if he wanted to International Relations or something else. He was asking about international development and revealed that he was also interested in genetics and working in agribusiness, but also development. I was able to direct him to the exact right person (a professor here who does agricultural development), show him some relevant classes and I think give him a firmer idea of how to use his university education to his advantage. It felt good.

I did good. I like helping people. Sometimes I have to remind myself that, but ultimately it is true. Doing good feels good.

All Star: Best song of the 90s?

I interrupt my being busy with the semester to bring you this essay on the beauty of All Star.

"As a scholar of Smash Mouth, I think there's a disagreement over what mugged means here, and we might actually have the same base idea. It's getting jumped, beat up, etc. It might not necessarily mean being targeted because he has something of value. The wise person says "Hey you, the way you're going, the world (that is life) is gonna catch you up and knock you down" to which the speaker replies "You know, I know that I'm dumb and that people think I'm dumb. But this doesn't bother me" What he knows is that he has to "hit the ground running," he needs to stay ahead of both the world and be prepared for one it does catch up (since the years don't stop coming). He may get knocked down by the world, but that shouldn't stop him from being who he is. That's why he explores the backstreets, and tries new things. Because he isn't afraid of the world. He's a rock star, an all star.

The second verse calls back to this imagery. The world getting cold is the same idea as the world rolling him. It's an unfeeling place. Yet as he says "the meteor man begs to differ, judging by the hole in the satellite picture" In the same way that he isn't afraid of the world rolling him, he is doesn't believe that life gets harder the longer it goes on. In fact, if the ice is going to break, might as well take it into your own hands and jump in the water on your own terms. It's a song celebrating individual freedom. It's an existentialist love song.

Consider the verse "Somebody once asked...all use a little change". Here the speaker encounters someone who has been rolled by the world. Yet they rather than taking the chance to swim, they try to run away from their problem. The singer is sympathetic, yet also realizes the foolishness in this action. A little fuel could do him some good, but it won't fix the problem. The change in sense of the word "change" highlights this. We could all do a little better with some "change" be it a change in scenery or the personality, but it will do us only as much good as we make of it. In the end, the years start coming and they don't stop coming, so we should adapt ourselves to it, rather than live in fear. And so in the end, this is why the singer is dismissive of the wise person at the beginning. He realizes that being smart does you no good if you don't use it. Why fear the future when you can instead prepare yourself for it and have fun while doing so?

Such must we all be."