Spring Day 6

 Woke up with my alarm and didn't go back to sleep. Looked outside and with all the snow I knew I had to go skiing (we got like 10 inches in a night). Took me way too long to get out of the house though. Also I made the mistake of taking my bike. Only some of the streets and paths had been plowed by that point so I ended up walking much of the way. Really should've just skied to the trail, but couldn't do that with my bike. 

Even though it was late morning by the time I got there, I was still the first skier of the day, so I got to break trail (a couple snowshoers preceded me but their paths were one, not super helpful and two, only on some of the trails). I ended up breaking trail for all three loops, which I'm sure lots of people appreciated. The temperature was already going up, which made the snow a bit sticky, especially on first break. But it was good over all.

Breaking trails is hard work, so after eating and showering I took a nap. Then I answered some student emails, paced around and considered life and my questions (well the question, I've given up trying to find an answer for my existential question for now. Not sure how I'm going to get an answer to the question besides talking but I don't know of a natural way to do that because I'm super awkward). I cancelled my nature walk for tomorrow since it will probably be all mud (more than half the snow was already gone by sunset and tomorrow will be even warmer), but will still be going to the arboretum. Maybe others will too, despite the cancellation. Not counting on it though.

Got on the pathfinder chat. We didn't end up doing anything (some character models were missing and so was our samurai) but it was nice to talk to Stephen and the others for a few hours. Still not sure if choosing pathfinder over the ward line dancing activity was the right idea but I'll just have to live with it (also I wouldn't have answered the question, probably). 

Worked on Fishing for Birds by which I mean started laying out yet another structure and thinking about the core metaphors. I saw that only one verse was left for Counting Sheeple so I just deleted it. Now I have 10 verses which, after reordering, tell a coherentish story in 5 groups. Counting Sheeple is right up there with Indian Summer Love for being one of the most personal songs I've ever written (many years out of date, yet still very personal), but I do think with the double entendre it fits well enough with the rest of the album. Especially since both sides of it really fit with both underlying themes (conspiracy and growing up). 

 Did not answer those emails. Tomorrow I swear, they just cause me so much anxiety and I'm already anxious enough as is (in part due to brain chemistry, in part due to the question). 

Spring Break Day 1

So I ended up skiing for 4+ hours today. I wasn't going fast or anything, just thinking a lot and I lost track of time. Ended up getting sunburned too, because of course I did.

Anyway I went through a whole bunch of hypothetical situations in my head, ranging from "really probably not happening" to "never happening lol". That's normal of course; it's just what I do. What is more interesting is that these were fairly positive, when normally I am very negative about myself, my future and how people might treat me. I came to a lot of realizations about myself and my situation.

What's more impressive though is that for the first time in a while, I felt I could change things. I was visualizing ways of fixing some problem or some of the burdens that have been . I felt a desire to be apologetic and try to right some of my many wrongs. Overall, I feel like I've actually been experiencing a mighty change of heart.

Even stranger? I've started acting on them. I've felt guilty about being a bad minister for a long time and today I actually reached to some of them so that they'd at least know who I am (not to all of them yet though. There's one who I'm afraid I might have offended last week and so I want to make sure my apology is good. Maybe I'll see if I can catch them after sacrament on Sunday and then re-evaluate from there. I was thinking about the internships I haven't applied for and started writing (in my head of course) the emails I need to send, with every intent of actually doing that tomorrow. I would've done it today if I hadn't gotten home so late (4+ hours of skiing, plus packing and unpacking my bike, plus travel times plus a quick trip to Walmart to grab somethings I forgot to get on Saturday) and the wifi had been working when I got home.

I'm still depressed, there's no doubt about that. I'm still anhedonic (especially wrt food; which makes dieting easier but also emphasizes my anhedonia since I love food). But my mood is getting a little better, at least temporarily. I'm still no closer to knowing why I'm here. But I'm becoming a bit more accepting of that; accepting that I just need to be ready to do what God wants me to do. I still hate a lot about the situation I'm in. But I'm remember that it's okay to be unhappy and that being unhappy and hating my life doesn't need to mean that I hate myself or make things difficult for myself because I feel like that's what I deserve. Most importantly, it doesn't mean I need to drag down others with me.

So yeah, oddly productive day even though I basically spent most of it skiing.

On ephemerality

I woke up around 6:45 today and after waiting for my 7:00 alarm, I got up and looked outside. My street was a mess and there was like 7 inches of snow on the ground, a lot more than I was expecting. The snow was wet but not too slushy or icy, unlike the last few storms. Meant I didn't go climbing this morning but do plan on skiing this afternoon/tonight.

If there's one thing that living here (which is easy to find out but I won't say it) has taught me, it's to take advantage of the snow. We have cold winters, but not necessarily snowy ones (growing up in Cleveland basically every winter was 60+ at the airport, often getting close to 100" in my area because I lived on the snowy side of the city. Here the winters generally average around 50"). When we do get snow it comes down a lot at once and often doesn't stick around for long, especially for XC skiing. So if I want to ski (and 95% of the time I do), I need to be willing to drop the things I am doing and seize the moment. If I put it off because I am too busy or too tired or too lazy then I'll miss out on one of the things which makes me happy, with no idea when snow will return.

In general, snow is the quintessential ephemeral phenomenon (that's a pretentious phrase right there). Merely touching it causes it to vanish. In fact, light itself will melt snow away, leaving only mud in its wake. I saw it today even, newly fallen snow dripping off sunny roofs as the the temperature crept above the melting point. I just hope there's still enough by this afternoon let alone tomorrow morning (when I plan on skiing again). That's why I grasp at every chance I get.

Life is ephemeral. This isn't something the average person thinks as much about, since from our mortal perspective our life is the exact opposite of transitory and fleeting. It's all we experience after all. Yet it is just a glimpse of the span which is eternity. Our one chance to experience life and that's not something to be wasted. The other way of looking at the ephemerality of life uses insight from game theory. A game with a finite number of periods can be solved backwards. An infinite game can't. Life isn't infinite, and yet we can treat it as such since we don't know what the number of periods will be and thus don't know what point we are working backwards from. In that sense, no matter how long a life is, it is always fleeting because it could disappear. Just like the snow.

 So take time to do the things you want to do because you don't know when you can again. Visit those dumb tourist attractions. Eat good food.      

PS- tagged this as a diary post since it is actually about my day even if it got philosophical. Plus, it's not really a diary post hiding masking a sad post. I want to do more of this in general, to keep a record of myself on the cloud.