New Years Eve 2023

And so the year ends as it began, depressed in a relative's house I don't particularly want to be at. On the bright side, I feel like this is the most depressed I've been since June, so I guess the medicine has been working even if I often feel like its not (and I think this episode should pass pretty quickly. The more minor episode in like October/early November did). In retrospect, I should've caught this sooner, but I guess I didn't notice my declining interest/motivation in everything because it's the holidays and I passed my proposal defense so I was allowed a few weeks off.

Despite the similarity of circumstances, I'm facing in a very different direction than I was last year. I actually made good on a number of resolutions I made in despair at the beginning of the year. I'm one major step closer to finishing my degree (still like 2 years to go though). I was a lot more social and I'm glad for it. I went off and did things I wanted to do, rather than trying to be what I thought other people wanted me to be. And most importantly, I got help both spiritually and emotionally. It was a good year, overall, even if there were a lot of times it really didn't feel that way. 

From here, what will I do? Well, I need to finish Fishing for Birds. I need to write some grants. I need to start heavy duty data analysis and submit something to IRB. But this blog isn't about work (except when it is). 2024 is the year when I really need to start putting myself back on the meat market again. I know I said that at the beginning of this year and to a small extent I did. I made important steps (including actually going on a couple dates in Jakarta just to see if I could. I hate the getting to know each other stage) even if I didn't start any relationships. Despite the question technically being open again, I don't feel that's the right path to follow but I'll figure something out. So there's one big goal for this upcoming year, along with everything else I need to do. Another of course is staying on the healthier path I've been going down. 

Oh and I need to post my damn photos from my trip so that people stop asking about them

Spring Day 18

 Woke up and kept hitting that snooze button because it was yet another day I didn't want to start. Showered and went off to work. Had hardly gone five minutes when I turned around because I realized I forgot my lunch and forgot to put the rabbit in the fridge to defrost, so I went back and did that. Took the long way to work again to look at the loons (and mergansers and coots. I love going by the lake this time of year). Was beautiful. Graded papers and mostly finished grading them. Played games, taught my sections and went home. Set up for movie night. A few people came and we had a good time. Ordered pizza and everything. Showed them the wall. Sat around reading some stuff and then wrote. Realized that God knows that I'm not asking the question with sincere intent to act, so maybe that's another part of why I'm getting no answer (also, it's just something I need to figure out myself blah blah blah)

Tagged this one with goals so that I remember a couple things I want to talk about later

• How to do Your Name right
• On Folklore

Moodwise, I was pretty good. Maybe a little down in the morning, but not far from what I think "normal" is supposed to be. I noticed I was a lot more focused on grading papers than a couple weeks ago and less annoyed with the students. Basically no pacing too. But there's a lot of confounding factors (question less on my mind? A bit more removed from a depressive state? easier assignment to grade?) and I don't want to get caught up in confirmation bias either. Felt quite good in the evening but that's because movie night went well. 

Spring Day 8

Today was an aggressively mixed day. Actually had someone show up to office hours though. Otherwise, I did no work because it's too stressful and killing me. I'll need to face it tomorrow though. I've been reading up more about social anxiety and how to deal with it (especially for dealing with the question). Oh and I teared up a bit while reading stuff about that and related to it. And I read my patriarchial blessing again and yep it's pretty clear that the question is in my hands.

I managed to get selected to present again in IO. Two in a row now, absolutely devastating. I had a sinking feeling it was coming too but didn't spice up, or even review, my presentation. It also meant I couldn't leave early like I was planning on, yet I still managed to get to the church mostly on time for FHE. It was a trivia night and I love trivia (and as usual, dominated it). No flats either! Then I had to rush home to make sure an exam was turned in on time (it was). Took almost exactly 40 minutes, which is not that fast all things considered. Sure felt faster than I normally do it though. Should've biked up the hill.

Some goals

•  This blog
• On Grading
• On Zion
• On Admonishments
• Sayings of the cross series for Easter
• I'd like to do some Kikxotian short stories/folk tales. Maybe I don't have any conlanging juice right now but I can still do some worldbuilding
  
• In life
• Get over myself
• Answer those emails (I have to do this tomorrow, for class so fml)
• Reach out to the Other and see how she's doing. No modus, I don't want to get back together but it's been a few years and I genuinely care about how she's doing. Plus if I can reach out to someone who has every right to be angry at me (though she probably isn't, she's too nice/good for that), maybe I'll prove to myself that I can get over my anxiety with those that don't. This is a longer term goal, her birthday is in like 6 weeks and that's a reasonable deadline if I don't reach out sooner.
  

Spring Day 1

 Didn't get much work done today (except reading a paper) but I did train another TA in my grading style. No one showed up to office hours of course. The weather was quite nice and I got a book from the library (more on that after I finish it). Learned that the university bike center does not have the tools I need (impact screwdriver + 8mm hex bit). Continued to ignore important emails. Class ended up cancelled (not just cut in half), so I was all ready to get to FHE on time. Went speeding over the train tracks and bam! double flat. Carried my bike a mile and a half on my shoulders to the church. Was 25 minutes late for FHE. Built a first aid kit. Regaled the missionaries with talk about fixers, bombs and the many many weird people I met in Indonesia. Went home (got a ride masyallah) and looked at the issue with the bike I was using (other double flats). Didn't see where the flats actually happened (I thought it was at the valves but maybe not?) so I guess I'll figure that out in the morning. Worst comes to worst, that's two inner tubes I need to pick up (not sure about the size though. 32mm is the thickness but I don't know the diameter). Went upstairs to fix my other bike. Still can't get the pedals or crankshaft off (I really do need an impact driver) but I did replace the cassette (after some effort getting if off). I think I over torqued the new one so ooops. Once I get the crank off though, replacing it will be easy and then I'm done. 

 Felt pretty good overall today. I was even pretty chipper when I got those flats. Shoulders hurt a ton though. Tomorrow is technically my day off, but it looks like it will be busy with repairing those flats and of course the work I have due Wednesday. 

 Future posts I've been thinking about doing

•  A rude question
• On Grading
• On Zion
• On Birds  
  

Spring Break Day 3

 I did not read Sickness Unto Death last night. Or today for that matter. I also didn't fix up my CV. I did manage to pull myself out of bed and go to the office to grade. I hate grading so much that you'll probably be seeing an On Grading post soon. My only pleasure is knowing that the students hate it as much as I do. Anyway after 4 hours of grading my brain was completely fried so I took a walk. I've never actually walked the area around my office so that was cool. Found a botanical garden like 3 blocks away that I had no clue about, despite being here for 2.5 years. Walked alongside the lake for a while and also tromped through the (wet and muddy) woods. So that was nice. Oh and I went up to the observatory. 

Aksīta yān wildasā lōbopāb ojūmah-ajumaíahat. Ūtiúj gundāy Wyīúu. Īn túuja āgfāt umladū. Yān gaxitpa. 

 Then I went back to my office to grade except I wrote this instead.

A brief to do list for my blog and myself:

 

• Update CV
• Finish grading
• Get data
• Respond to model questions
• Do that untranslatable words post I've been talking about for years
• Maybe write out my personal journey to where I am today (long term goal tbh)
• Figure out those songs?!?
   

This year

While this blog is nominally about conlanging (hence the title) it is also my general purpose thoughts blog (hence the title). Conlanging is a lonely art, even when shared. Ultimately the only person to please is yourself or as Tolkien said "Here were no base considerations of the 'practical', the easiest for the 'modern mind', or for the million – only a question of taste, a satisfaction of a personal pleasure, a private sense of fitness." There's a power to that, to play only for yourself. That's the other purpose of this blog: to yell what I want to the world in a very public way, with the pleasure of knowing that despite this blog's open connection to my name (and presence on my facebook page!), no one will look.

Grad school leaves little time for conlanging (I tend to fill what little time I have with mindless video games) but I do think a lot. My commute leaves me upwards of an hour a day for that. I'd like to put more of those thoughts on paper (or on the internet as it is). So maybe I'll actually engage with this blog this year.

I have many goals this year. I'd like to move to dissertator status and maybe even have a good draft of a paper by the end of it. I'd like to actually travel for once (preferably on someone else's dime). I'd like to finish "Fishing for Birds". I'd like to cast off my pride (or at least some of it) and truly submit my will to my faith. I'd like to move forward in life instead of spinning my wheels and maybe confront my anxiety, my fear, my angst. I'd like to be a happy man.

 I'd also like to learn how to replace a drivetrain but that's because I broke my bike this week. So more of a short term goal.