This one is really heavy so I'm putting a break in right away. Proceed at your own peril
I hate hate hate mixed episodes so much. They're by far the worst form of depression for me (and from what I've read, to basically everyone except people with some of the most extreme forms of psychotic melancholic depression). I'd take a dozen days of dysthymia/moderate depression over just one mixed day. I'd give up all the highs of clean hypomanias, the good feelings and the energy and the confidence and the productivity to never have a mixed episode again.
There's no denying that it's BD at this point, lack of (known) family history and substance abuse aside. This is not how normal depression works. There's no energy like this. I can't keep pretending that I just have dysthymia with frequent moderate actual depressive episodes.
Set my alarm for 7 on Friday. Didn't get up then but made it out of bed soon enough. Mostly feeling fine. Went shopping for the potluck on Sunday. Got Spinach and tomatoes from Walmart then went over to the asian market to buy habeneros (well, scotch bonnets) and palm oil. Got home, took a brief nap/rest and then actually did some work. I graded assignments and got an outline for the database mapping I was supposed to do Thursday. Around 5:15 I finished up and packed for the camping trip.
We got to the site around 7 (before most everyone else) and I immediately set up my tent to claim a good spot. Then I hung out. Dinner was good. I told my (bizarre) ghost stories, to the incredulity of everyone involved. I talked a lot but occasionally I listened. I sort of felt hypomania coming (though I didn't realize it was going to be a mixed episode at the time) and even told people that I was real "wired up" and probably wasn't going to sleep. A little after midnight I went with a few other people to go swim in the lake. Got back and as the others were going to bed, I just sat by the fire pit (the flames long dead) for like an hour looking at the stars. And saying a long prayer, I did that too. Also I chased off a racoon trying to get into the cutlery. Well didn't so much chase off as engage in a staring contest but it left eventually.
The sky was amazing. Not the most amazing, but very nice. I might have seen a shooting star and that got me thinking about what I would even wish for. "Happiness" is the obvious one, but why wish for that when I'm not even doing everything within my own power to be a bit happier. When I keep refusing to call the psychiatrist and ask for an appointment. An answer to the question is another one, but again that's fully within my power so wish for an answer is just dumb (I still don't know by the way but right now I'm leaning towards no or yes but not enough. Which is fine, I way more important shit to deal with like getting myself killed through reckless behavior and not destroying relationships with my friends because I'm an actual maniac). There were three types of fireflies I noticed. The normal ones I occasionally see around here. One that had a long, almost alien or dark greenish light, like phantom. And then one that did bursts of quick pulses.
After the racoon incident, I finally felt it was time to try to sleep (still wasn't that tired yet). So around 2 in the morning. I couldn't fall asleep. Still had residual energy I guess. I think I finally drifted to sleep sometime between 2:30 and 3. Was woken up by the sun and birds (especially a very noisy catbird) around 4:50 and was out of my tent by 5. Decided to walk down to the lake and see what I would see. I saw some indigo buntings (heard them too!) and that was neat. Also woodpeckers and stuff.
On my way back I walked past Bishop and he asked me how I slept and if 2 hours of sleep was normal (I said it was normal but camping but it's really not. I got 5+ the last campout I was on and that was only a couple weeks ago). Then I wandered around some more, waiting for people to slowly wake up. Looked in the woods, went to the amphitheater, just wandered and wandered and wandered. Breakfast got made and while I was hungry I really didn't eat that much because I didn't feel like eating, as it is. By the end of breakfast I was just feeling pretty irritated and so I put on my swimsuit, threw in my headphones, quickly put away my tent and told everyone I wasn't going to help break camp and was going to the beach instead. Dick move but like I said, I was feeling pretty shitty.
My intent really was to just decompress at the beach and calm down while waiting for everyone else to get there. But when I arrived I was filled with the urge to just swim, swim to the other side (I had no idea how far it was, ends up it was about a quarter mile one way) and I gave in. Despite not telling anyone, despite only having 2 hours of sleep. Despite not eating very much for breakfast. And I fucking did it, which is something I yelled about across the lake. I felt on top of the world as I came back, just as everyone was arriving at the boat launch. So confident, so energetic. I was ready to go cliff jumping. So ready.
Get in the canoe and we go and I'm still riding that high and we get to the cliffs and there were fishers there and I was pretty annoyed and aggressive (I flat out told them why we were there, not that I was going to actually jump into their lines), definitely sort of trying to pick a fight, the others picked up on as weird and unlike me. But everyone else agreed to just leave (and that was the right solution even if fishing is a dumb fucking hobby and they had massive lake to do it in other than the cliff) so we did.
We found a little place to explore and it had a spring bubbling out of the ground, which was cool. Very cold water. At that point the kayakers had caught up and we planned to go to the dam. On our way there, some of the kayakers passed by the cliff and I guess that was the last straw for the fishers because they left, so we turned around and went cliff diving.
I love cliff diving. And swimming. I was the first one to jump, which isn't that surprising. But even I hesitated at first. But it was good and I confirmed the area was deep enough. We did cliff jumping for quite a while. I probably jumped at least half a dozen times (plus lots of hanging out up top or in the water, waiting for people to just make the jump. So much hesitation). Then we went back to the boat launch and cleaned up (I was helpful with this). Someone asked me how I was still going climbing with just 2 hours of sleep and swimming across the lake and I flat out said that I don't know (I do know) and that it is very worrying and I need to see a doctor about it but hey no one believes me anyway (operation shitpost is too successful).
I did feel a bit tired but a quick nap in the car resolved that. At Culvers I could barely finish my burger, it just didn't taste good and I had no appetite. And despite flavor of the day being my favorite I didn't really enjoy it. We went climbing at and I sent some problems which was nice. When talking about how I sometimes threaten to quit I said that it's a sign of severe mental illness but see the link above. Then we went home and I probably slept for about 20-30 minutes of the car ride. I did withdraw into my headphones though.
At home I quickly unloaded the car and then cried in the bathroom. Real ugly crying. Crying about how horrible I feel and still having so much energy despite that and how deep down I knew that I would have been perfectly fine drowning during my cross lake swim if I happened to have not had the energy. Or if I fell real far while climbing. No suicidal thoughts yet but I'm aware enough to know why I am reckless and impulsive like this. So impulsive. So much crying.
I decided to come to my office to grade (I'm here now, 4 hours later and no grading. Oh well). I cried a bunch while riding my bike (and ran some reds). Unburnable energy and such a low mood and guilt about how I acted while the depression was still pulled back by social interaction and the mix of everything and knowing I'm in a mixed state and how much I hate all this. Cried in the office too. A couple times. And that returns us to the beginning. I hate this so much. Why can't I be a normal depressive?
Anyway I need to go home. I need to eat dinner, even though I don't feel like it. And prep for the potluck tomorrow. I'll probably feel a bit better for a little while but this isn't over yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment