Dog Days 33 and 34

Well Friday was hot, today less so. Dog days are ending?

Anyway Friday I got up and fixed my flat tire. I then eventually ambled my way over to my office and hung out there a bit. Eventually I went over to my sisters apartment and prepared for the move. 'Twas nice to see her and my grandfather. Luckily she didn't have too much stuff and a friend from church came over to help carry the dressers up the stairs. Anyway after doing that, we got dinner at a Thai place and then got various stuff at Target. Hung out at her apartment a bit and then went home with my grandfather. Pulled up a mattress from the basement (actually wasn't too bad soloing it), talked a bit and went to bed. 

Saturday I got up and eventually we went over to my sister's place for more moving stuff. First we went to get bagels and not only were the bagels good but so were the lox sandwiches. Gotta keep that in mind. Then we returned the trailer, dropped my grandfather off at the airport and went to the bike shop to get a new inner tube and seat for my sister's bike. After that we went over to the zoo for a ward activity. It was a scavenger hunt and my randomly assigned group won (of course, because we ran around and were very competitive). Hung out longer and then went back to her house. After that, I went home. Was going to do pathfinder but it got cancelled last minute so I noodled around on the electric guitar instead. Oh yeah, my sister brought the spare electric guitar from Utah here. I actually got okay at "Miserlou" (used that to practice double picking) and "Pinkie Swear" (by far the best song on 52 Weeks). I also tried out "Never Meant" and can sort of do the main riff. My big problems over all is that I know no chords and tend to create harmonics. Then I went to my computer and got some cheap albums (basically all in the 0-2 dollar range, except one 8 buck electro jazz album because I need some variety in my life). I really want Prawn's Kingfisher as a vinyl because the art and the limited edition vinyls are so cool but they're out of print and seemingly expensive, so we'll see. Also I need to set up a shelf over the tv to actually display some of my vinyls.

Still feeling fine I think. Maybe a bit sleepy but that's my own fault. Is it the meds or the lack of stress (not that the lack of stress helped with the June episode. It's so easy to forget what feeling bad really feels like).

Resting Day 5- Mothers Day

So I got up, showered and prepared to go to church (after texting my mom, of course). Went to church, had a copy of my grandmother's book to read before the meeting. Meeting came and went. 2nd hour was fine. After church was the potluck, which went well. I had plenty of food. Went home, enjoying the nice day. Didn't do much else that day, except read some stuff (but not like any of my project books, just crap on the internet). Definitely napped/slept a bit and did some climbing too (people came over). Was basically really lazy. Where has all my motivation for everything gone? Am I returning to depression or not? Stayed up much too late doing nothing.

Being Mothers Day, I thought a lot about my family. One thing that really stood out to me was how my grandmother's experience being excommunicated for apostasy (she's certainly a heretic but is that the same as apostasy and deserving of an excommunication?) has affected my own testimony, personal growth and relationship with the church. It's somewhat weird to say, but her example in continuing to believe despite being kicked out, her stubborness but also integrity and the like certainly guided me to where I am today. Could be a whole post on its own. So yeah, thanks grandma, love you.

On the prodigal son (but really his brother)

The parable of the prodigal son is a well known one that lots of people can relate to. I sure can, as has been hinted at and even discussed on this blog. Maybe I never went fully to the far off country, but I sure did in my heart.

More importantly though, I relate strongly to the elder brother. And not in a good way. To me, his story is ultimately one about resentment. The sort of resentment that you can't really know without being the eldest. And I hate that about myself and it definitely reflected in my comments about this parable during institute. 

Resentment about feeling like you always have to be the stable point in the family. Resentment about feeling that you need to be perfect, because you are the example and if you aren't perfect all your siblings' failures are your fault. Resentment about your asceticism and martyr complex that may have developed because the oldest has to be the protector and you felt like you could never have anything until you made sure that everyone else's needs were met first. Resentment about being taken for granted because you were always there and you felt like no one needed to express their appreciate, because helping is just what you do and everyone knows that. Resentment about how they had so much more growing up than you did (not that your childhood was horrible or anything, just a function of family money). Resentment about how you felt you could never ask for help from the parents because they only have so much time and money. Resentment about how you felt you had to work and study twice as hard to keep your scholarships because you didn't want to be more of a financial burden than you already were since there's still 5 siblings who need to get through college and well, you're the perfect one who can be trusted to carry this burden. Resentment about how you felt you had to be the perfect mormon boy and couldn't be openly apostate because even though you weren't sure you believed anything you didn't want that to rub off on your siblings. Resentment about how you're an intensely private person because you didn't want to burden your parents or them with the details of your private life. Not that you had any privacy growing up anyway. 

And jealousy. Jealous of the relationships you never had with your siblings that they have with each other and with your extended, because you moved 9000 miles away when they were still young and never got the chance to know them as teenagers or adults. Jealous of the trips you never went on because you were working or studying or just too far away. Jealous of the experiences you never had. Jealous of the parental support they got (like actually getting a therapist) and you never did because your parents learned a lot raising you they probably couldn't apply to you. I mean it's pretty fucked up when your kid gets so angry about a game that he decides he's going to commit suicide by standing in a river until he gets hypothermia and dies. And then he actually stands in the river. Obviously it wasn't a very credible threat but surely worth a follow up visit with a shrink when you finally had a home again, especially when your son already had a long history of (attention seeking) self destructive behavior and mood issues.  

And they probably resent you too. Because you're grumpy and moody and angry. Because you're withdrawn, especially at family gatherings, and hide yourself and don't talk about your life or your feelings and you refuse to open up. Because you're mean and competitive and always itching for a fight. Because you're self centered and an attention seeker and dominate every conversation you are in. Because you're perfect and everyone admires you and you set the bar so high and tear anyone who gets too close down. Because there's no doubt you'll be successful and your life is already so well put together (lack of girlfriend aside, but you probably have a secret one anyway, since it's not like you ever tell them about your private life and you do have a history of secret girlfriends). Because you're free and independent and have been since they were young (and even in high school got away with all sorts of things they never could).

The elder brother would have gone into the party eventually. He wasn't actually angry about it, not in the long run. He loved his brother, I'm sure he did. He just needed time to process the fact that his brother was back. He needed time to process that all those demands he felt, the demand to be perfect and to be a good example and to work twice as hard to make up for his brother, weren't demands from his father but demands he created out of thin air for himself. He just needed to process that his father did love him, for who he was and not what he did (or didn't) do. It was never about the fatling.

And maybe he was throwing a tantrum because he didn't know how to open up about this to himself or to others. Maybe he was just looking for someone to ask him how he was doing. And maybe you do the same thing. Want the same thing. Maybe the reason you're so rebellious is because you want someone to stop you and ask you why you are acting like this. Maybe part of the reason you ruined a family temple trip was so that someone would confront you about it and ask you why you're refusing to renew your recommend. Maybe what you really fear was what you got, quiet acceptance and disappointment, nothing more. Maybe you want your family to pry more into your personal life. Maybe you want permission to be open. Permission you don't need but want anyway.

I love my family. I really do. I don't know how to express that to them. I don't know how to let them know that I care a lot. That I think about them and how they're doing all the time. That I'm proud of their achievements. That I'm proud of who they're growing to be, who they've grown to be. That I'm sorry for how terrible of a brother I've been a lot of the time. That I'm working on being happier and fixing what's wrong with my brain. So that maybe I can one day tell them this. That I don't really resent them (even if everything I said is based in truth) but sometimes I tire of fighting my demons. Or since they all saw Suzume, sometimes there's a big black cat god behind me.  

Sayings on the Cross: Relationships

When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, “Woman, behold, your son!”  Then he said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home. -John 19:26-27, ESV