Pre-Summer Day 10

So my alarm went off at 6 but I really wasn't ready. In fact, I didn't get out of bed till like 7:30, showered and it still took like another 2 hours to get downstairs. And I couldn't work. No focus and I just felt terrible. The overwhelming sadness (over nothing) was back. So I mostly laid on the couch and repeated to myself that everything was going to be okay, that I was going to be okay. I finally got started with work (and my meeting was delayed for 30 minutes as well). Did the meeting, got a better idea of what I needed to do.

Decided that I should go out and clear my head. Biked down to the boardwalk. That was a great idea actually. I saw a (dead :( , it was in the middle of the bike path and not moving so I went to push it off to the side and it didn't respond) garter snake, nearly hit a chipmunk (it ran back at the last second as I was madly braking), saw a goldfinch, a green heron and a bunch of other things. So that was nice. 

Then I went up to my office to work. Well it took a really long time to actually get work done (I didn't leave the office till after 9, despite getting there before 2), but I did eventually send out an update email I needed to and graded papers (still like 2 assignments behind, but so is everyone else). I'll get up in the morning and catch up on grading, shouldn't be too bad. Generally I get a couple days respite between bad days.

And that is how it is. The last few days I felt okay. Today I felt bad in the morning. Just inexplicably bad. I worked through it and that will hold it for a while. Then it will come back until one day it doesn't and I'll have a few weeks off before I get hit real hard again and the cycle repeats. I really don't get my depression, which is why I have so much trouble seeking help.

Pre-Summer Day 3

Woke up at like five, took more ibuprofen just in case. Woke up again around 7, got ready to go running. Went running and even at 830 it was already very hot. Did around 4.25 with a just over 10 minute pace, which was pretty good and I was dying by the end, so I need to improve on that. Luckily the itch wasn't too bad. Talked with friends for a while afterwards and then went home (I grabbed McD's on the way). Showered, the itch was coming back a bit but luckily not too bad. Applied aloe. Took more ibuprofen I think. Went off to the movie theater but not before noticing the ward discord seemed to have disappeared (it got deleted? We're still trying to figure out what happened).  Watched Across the Spiderverse on Imax at the first showing (it was 20% off) because I wanted to and quite frankly I feel bad so I'm going to do what makes me happy. Absolutely amazing. Went to Taco Bell to wait 20 minutes and eat (I wasn't even hungry, but I needed a reason to be there). Went to the park for the bird collision corp meet-up + birdwatching event. Did that for a while (watching birds with old people who know what they are doing is fun) and then left to go to the baptism. Baptism went well but no one brought treats so ooops. Went home. Made grilled cheese and ate some cookies (more for calories sake but I think I had a slight appetite. But I also ran a lot and also biked like 30 miles so that's kinda to be figured (even all the fast food together probably only came out to like 1600 calories). Played bass very aggressively and hurt my finger from picking too hard/fast. Press Gang Redux is gonna be awesome. Worked on these posts.

Despite feeling better most of the day (and objectively speaking, being a good day) I feel my mood slipping again. So we'll see how I am tomorrow. Definitely still unmotivated. I much prefer days like today and yesterday, where I'm unmotivated and anhedonic but don't feel sad to days where I feel sad and also only want to curl up in bed.

Across the Spiderverse spoilers incoming. 

Camping- May 2023

Combining the last few days into a single entry since it's a weird flux time anyway. Only some of the days actually had camping. 

So Friday was a lazy day. I played Xenoblade DLC and generally did stuff at home. In the afternoon, I packed my bag, managed to get all my stuff on the back of my bike (including the tent) and went to meet up for a carpool. After getting to the site, we went to the lake and then started prepping the fire and getting coals ready. I did not help much, which was fine. Dinner was good, we had an annoyingly friendly racoon want to invade our campsite. Put up my new pup-tent a little before dark. Sat around talking and listening to people. It was nice.

Woke up with the sun and stayed in my sleeping bag for like an extra 40 minutes because it was cold outside. Went out of my tent around six, helped eat breakfast and then break camp. Most people left at that point but I went hiking with my ride. We went up to a little cave and saw some cool birds (Indigo Bunting, a nuthatch, maybe some Scarlet Tanagers) on our hike. I hiked well enough given my hurt foot and all. Got a ride home directly to my house, so after resting a bit (and playing Xenoblade) I took the bus up to campus. Since it was weekend schedule and my foot still hurt, I ended up renting an e-bike to go the rest of the way instead of walking or waiting for the last bus (about equal times either way). First time riding such a bike and it was heavy and awkward but also ran real fast and smooth. Got my bike, stopped in the arboretum on the way home to do a trail I hadn't done in a while. Saw a red-bellied woodpecker and heard either a pileated woodpecker (are those actually around here? I feel like I only see Red-bellied woodpeckers and hairy/downy woodpeckers) or a belted kingfisher (or possibly a flicker. Actually it was probably a flicker except that I was near water so kingfisher is a possibility). After getting home, I ate dinner and then caught up on Rick and Morty, watched the first episode of Unicorn Eternal Warriors (what beautiful animation) and then watched FLCL since I've been meaning to watch for like 15 years. By like two in the morning I was pretty tired, so I set aside the last half of the final episode for later. 

Woke up and finished FLCL. Good show, I love how it plays with animation as a medium while still delivering a solid story about growing up. I wish I had watched it 15 years ago when I would've been just a bit older than Naota. Not that things like "Nothing can happen until you swing the bat" don't still hit me now. Showered and got ready for church. Rode my bike up (it was a beautiful day), prepared the sacrament and church went as normal. Sunday school was good too. Since there was a watch party for the devotional, it made more sense to just hang out in my office until that (cut off about 7 miles from my total for the day). So I went to my office and read more of Infinite Jest. 2 and a half hours (with a tiny nap) got me like 90 pages further, what a dense book. I'm like a quarter of the way through now though. Rode 9 miles to watch the devotional and made good time. Felt really called out, especially given how I'm not answering the question and not doing a good job dating. Chat for a bit. Rode home, ate dinner and basically collapsed because I'm tired and did like 30 miles on a microwave burrito. Got up and wrote this.

Feeling fine to good emotionally. But not too good, I think. Hopefully I can stay this way a while longer.

Resting Day 6

Got up at a reasonable time, despite staying up too late. Didn't do much in the morning but as I was preparing to go get my hair cut and then get a tent, I got an email reminding me that I forgot to grade a test. So I rushed off to my office (where the exam was; it was turned in physically which is why I forgot about it) and graded it. Then went to get my hair cut. It is much shorter now, to the disappointment of the woman cutting my hair. She though it was beautiful long (I don't disagree but it was getting so annoying so time to be short for a few months before I get to the perfect length again). Then I picked up my stuff at the office and went to Walmart to get the tent (for the camp out this weekend; hopefully it doesn't rain).

Went home and I think I napped for a bit. Then I made dinner and went over to the Arboretum for FHE. Arrived early so I could read Infinite Jest under a tree for a bit. Started out leading a group, which slowly broke apart as I wandered around looking for birds. Among others, I saw many gray catbirds, an eastern bluebird, some swallows and a red-bellied woodpecker. I heard an owl too (at least I think it was an owl) but didn't see it. I love birdwatching. Someone asked me how I got into it and I gave the short story in the most Jacob way possible ("I was very depressed and had nothing to do except watch birds." Someone else "that's nice" (she wasn't listening fully) Me, cheerily "No it was pretty terrifying"). Then I went home and proceeded to do nothing. Except wash the pot that had been soaking for days. 

As per usual, I still feel fine, just unmotivated. Maybe I need a catalyst. I don't seem to have terminal insomnia right now, but all the excessive daytime sleepiness isn't great. I've also been staying up late, so I dunno how that factors into everything. I'll go into the office tomorrow (probably after climbing in the morning) and see if I can motivate myself into recording Counting Sheeple. I really need the vocals in so I can build the synths around them. Maybe that will get me out of my funk.

Resting Day 4

Got up at 5:30, went back to sleep till 6. Slowly made my way out the door to do bird collision corps stuff. Unfortunately I did find a bird (gray catbird, I think). It already smelled bad so was probably died earlier in the night. Then went over to help someone load up a truck to move. Which ran over because the truck was late. Finished just in time to rush over to the church for the baptism, or rather refreshments after the baptism (did give Bishop a report of the move, at least). Went to a farmers market with a couple people. The west side one, which I had never been to before (on account of it being like 9 miles from my home, though only like 3 from the church). Got some turmeric-juniper kraut, excited to see how this turns out. 

Went home, battery on like 2%. Showered and fell asleep (did not go on the nature walk, too tired. I'd done like 40+ miles in the last 24 hours by that point, and not with enough calories probably). Woke up and once again didn't do much. Except some climbing on the basement wall. Around 7ish I made dinner and around 9 started cooking tikal gomen for the potluck tomorrow. My onions and ginger felt pretty low quality, hopefully that's not an issue. This recipe felt pretty low on flavor and burning some of the onions and spices certainly didn't help. I added extra turmeric, cumin and cayenne but I'm not sure that will be enough. We'll see tomorrow I guess. At least it was cheap, even to make many pounds of the stuff (I started with like 5 lbs potatoes, 4-5 in cabbage, over a pound of carrots and a lot of onions too. Of course much of that cooks down so I don't have 10 pounds).  

Still feeling really unmotivated, but not down or anhedonic (I think). Certainly not compared to even just over a week ago. But maybe with a bit more time.

Oh and it looks like the place I wanted to go to isn't taking new patients right now. Maybe

Spring Day 34

Got up at 5:30 to prepare to look for dead birds. Realized that sunrise wasn't even until 6 so I went back to bed for another 30 minutes. Got up (slowly) looked outside and saw it was snowing. So despite meaning to get to my site at like 6:30 it was closer to 7:40 when I finally got there (realizing that the snow wasn't going to stop). Realized I forgot my lock (was testing out my fixed bike, which still needs some adjustment on the derailleur because it's slipping a bit) so I took my bike all the way up to my office. First two buildings didn't have any dead birds, but just as I was about to finish surveying the third one, I found a dead yellow-bellied sapsucker. So I had to log that one out in the snow/freezing rain, which wasn't very fun and then drop it off at the freezer to confirm the identity. 

I was planning on climbing afterwards but that was before I realized I had no lock, so I just went home. Took a nap, ate lunch and then went to Goodwill to look for rings and handkerchiefs. Didn't find any I liked so I went home. Finished, tried on my ensemble to make sure it worked out and then took another nap while waiting for it to be time to go. 

Biked to the church (it was snowing again! just for a little bit though). Put on my costume and from then on out, I was ready for the murder mystery dinner. I spent the whole thing very in character, and since my character was an alcoholic, that meant I drank a lot of (food colored) lemonade. So so much, always had a glass with some liquid in my hand. It also meant that I was quite loud (the character was supposed to be a bit obnoxious anyway), slurred my speech a bit as the night went on, and stumbled more and more as the game progressed. Combine that with me very much playing up the "old money" aspect of the character and it was very fun. Forgot to do a mid Atlantic accent though. The mystery itself was a bit too easy, but I enjoy the improv aspect more. Same reason I like MUN really. Give me a character and a goal (in this case, my goal was be obnoxious but also very obviously not a suspect) and let me go wild, especially when everyone else is doing the same. So yeah really fun and I do think I was the life of the party. Didn't want to shoot myself when I got home either (did need to pee though. After peeing like three times at the church over the course of the night. Soooooo much lemonade). I need to do more improv activities. Or at least find more people interesting in a real roleplay heavy type of campaign. 

Well I'm tired and caught up. Might as well go to bed.

Spring Day 23

So yeah, this is a day late because I was an idiot and did not plan my time well. At least I am currently suffering for it and will get to suffer again over the next week!

Got up, was lazy getting out of bed. Attended a zoom presentation while grading exams. Wrote an email asking some questions about the exams. Sent it and then since the day was so nice decided that I just had to go on a bike ride. And before I knew it my 9 mile ride turned into a 23 mile ride hitting up a bunch of my favorite spots and watching birds. Got home and didn't want to work on my lit review. Just too nice and I couldn't focus. Didn't want to ruin that high, you know. By about 8ish it really was like "I need to work on this". So I showered and went to take a nap instead. And that was my day.

Moodwise felt pretty good. More pacing than before, because work sucks. Maybe I don't really have an agitated state? Who knows. That's why I need to talk through this with someone.

Spring Day 18

 Woke up and kept hitting that snooze button because it was yet another day I didn't want to start. Showered and went off to work. Had hardly gone five minutes when I turned around because I realized I forgot my lunch and forgot to put the rabbit in the fridge to defrost, so I went back and did that. Took the long way to work again to look at the loons (and mergansers and coots. I love going by the lake this time of year). Was beautiful. Graded papers and mostly finished grading them. Played games, taught my sections and went home. Set up for movie night. A few people came and we had a good time. Ordered pizza and everything. Showed them the wall. Sat around reading some stuff and then wrote. Realized that God knows that I'm not asking the question with sincere intent to act, so maybe that's another part of why I'm getting no answer (also, it's just something I need to figure out myself blah blah blah)

Tagged this one with goals so that I remember a couple things I want to talk about later

• How to do Your Name right
• On Folklore

Moodwise, I was pretty good. Maybe a little down in the morning, but not far from what I think "normal" is supposed to be. I noticed I was a lot more focused on grading papers than a couple weeks ago and less annoyed with the students. Basically no pacing too. But there's a lot of confounding factors (question less on my mind? A bit more removed from a depressive state? easier assignment to grade?) and I don't want to get caught up in confirmation bias either. Felt quite good in the evening but that's because movie night went well. 

Spring Day 14

 Woke up before 7, lay in bed half asleep until 8. Got up, shaved and showered before heading off to the church for choir practice. Did choir (was mostly basses that showed up, hilariously enough) and then headed south for a conference watching session. Was late. Was only 5 miles but I got lost in the suburbs which added like 10 minutes as I went up and down hills and looked for where I was supposed to turn. Ate crepes and watched conference. Got a ride home, worked on some stuff (can't remember what?). 

Watched the afternoon session. Jakarta temple was a shock. I actually started getting messages about it before it was announced on my feed and the idea of Jakarta actually getting a temple (plus not) seemed so unlikely that I wondered if somehow Addis had skipped the queue. Anyway, super happy for the members there and excited to see where it's sited and what the design will be. Guess I got a reason to go back in 5 years or so (I miss Indonesia so much; I just want to go back. Also, "On Jakarta" would be a good post. Talk about a city that I have a very complicated relationship with). Was too hyped to work and the day was absolutely beautiful so I went on another bike ride, down to the boardwalk. Saw multiple flocks of pelicans on the lake and miraculously saw my missing glove hanging on the railing. Who knows how many days it had been hanging there (very deliberately) but I'm glad someone found it and no one wanted it. 

Went home, made dinner and slowly finished my blogpost and then read through the paper I need to prepare a presentation for tomorrow (each drawing is with replacement, so it's just as unlikely I'll be called three times in a row as it is being called on twice in a row and any other given person being called on this time). No grading today, I swear tomorrow I'll get to it.

In general, conference was very good. Despite going in with no questions, I had lots of impressions (not any closer to answering the question or the other question though. Not that I was expecting answers) and like, it just felt good. Definitely one of the better ones for me in a while, probably because I've been spiritually better than I have been for a long time. Ballard's talk hit me hard, not just because it sounds like it may be his last one, but the whole emphasis on relationships and how essential they are; how much we need to cultivate them (and needing to follow up quickly to date his future wife, who was just so much friendlier and more popular than him).

Moodwise, I felt pretty good overall. Obviously, I was overjoyed for a while but that was very contextual and without anxiety, plus it faded in a few hours as I got back to the grind. I seem to be able to concentrate and not pace/be agitated than "normal" though normal probably isn't normal. So I whatever my problem is (appointment 1 of who knows how many Tuesday!), I don't think I'm suffering in this moment. And whatever anxiety I may or may not have, it's different than when I first started talking about it. It's more of the shy, not wanting to bother people anxiety, than a pressing "this is hurting me and making my thoughts run in circles" anxiety. It's weird, because it's not like my situation or circumstances have really changed for how they were before. I'm still stuck here, with no idea why, with no progress on my research (backwards even since February!). I'm still lonely (in someways but importantly in ways I was before). I still haven't answered the question. But I think that might be the point, that these come and go unnaturally almost. I may have spent too much effort trying to identify triggers (which to be fair, there are certainly times I've had triggered bad moods) instead of recognizing the underlying cycle, even attributing down points in the long term cycle to these triggers rather than being well part of a cycle. But we'll see.  

On Birds

One hobby that I didn't mention in "On Hobbies" is birdwatching. I love birds and I love watching them. But why? Well I think that's a story worth telling. 

Like many a child, I really liked dinosaurs. Had lots of dinosaur books, knew those dinosaur facts. Great stuff, dinosaurs are (my current favorite is Therizinosaurus, which I do not remember from my big books but is absolutely S tier). Back in those days, dinosaurs didn't have feathers. It was one of those things that might be talked about, hypothesized even but it surely wasn't a common depiction. I still remember listening to Science Friday (with Ira Flatow) on NPR one day while being picked up from elementary school and the discussion topic was the discovery of evidence that some dinosaurs had feathers. At least I think that's what this was about. I don't actually know if this memory is true, but that's memories for you.

Birds are dinosaurs, so that's pretty cool. Feathered ones too and feathers are pretty. I've liked birds for a long time. They're fun to look at; they're fun to watch. I've been blessed to live in places with some pretty cool birds, something I really didn't appreciate until much later. But even back then, I did like seeing papagaio in our trees. I appreciated the burrowing owls at the church even if they didn't appreciate me. It was never nice to be chased by the mean birds (quero-quero, it was only much later I learned their english name is the Southern Lapwing) but they were a part of my life too. Traveling outside the city, I'd occasionally see toucans and caracara, even rhea. Never going out my way to see birds but certainly enjoying them. I never really knew the birds of Indonesia, unfortunately. I saw some big bats though.

It was Ethiopia were I really got into birdwatching. My time in Ethiopia really sucked. I was isolated and trapped (even setting aside the whole "no leaving the city" rule imposed by the government). My job sucked (when I had a job). Was still getting over being dear john'd. Internet was intermittent at best. Like I said, not a great time in my life. But you know what Ethiopia has? Great birds. I loved seeing bee-eaters and sunbirds and even hawks outside the many many windows of that castle. Vultures waiting at the abattoir on the way to church. Mousebirds at the school (I think at least). So, so so many birds. 

In October, we went on vacation to South Africa, which was great. My brother and I decided we'd try to see (and identify) as many different birds as we could. South Africa was where I discovered the hoopoe (such a great bird), purple crested turacos (I spent so long trying to figure out what the beautiful bird with red wings was...we didn't have internet most of the time while in South Africa) and just a bunch of awesome birds. I was hooked.

I've done better since my Ethiopia days. I've done worse since my Ethiopia days. No matter how I am feeling, birdwatching has been an excuse to spend my time clearing my mind and forgetting myself. To be in nature. To appreciate what's around me, for as little or as long as it will be. Sometimes I go for the challenge of seeing something new. Recording what I see but usually...

I'm a bird appreciator. Many of my favorite bird moments haven't come from trying to find birds but simply being at the right place at the right time. Seeing my first loon on one of the lakes here. Coming across a snowy owl while riding home from the climbing gym. Seeing a kingfisher diving on my way home from work. Coming across a flock of eagles on the Provo river. Watching cranes dance. Getting divebombed by a hummingbird. Hearing the redwing blackbirds, a sign that winter is coming to an end and spring is nigh.

To me, birds are freedom. The fly where they want. The birds don't care about my problems; they got tons of their own. They're a reminder that as much as the world may be weighing me down, there's just so much more out there. Birds are the interplay of constancy and change. The birds are ouroboros. They may fly away for months at a time, but they'll be back. Maybe different birds, but they'll be back all the same. Things change, life grinds on but there will always be birds.  

Birds are inspiration. Their colors, their songs, their dances, their feathers. The birds aren't for us and yet they can drive us to do more. One Halloween (this year? I might have time) I'll start...and finish my superb bird-of-paradise + plague doctor costume. One day I'll get mix my synths right to be like a redwing black bird. Birds make me want to not just consume, but to create. To be more than I am right now.  

I love birds.