On Integrity(?)

I haven't checked out the new preach my gospel yet but apparently they added a new Christlike attribute: Integrity. Which is a good thing. What stood out to me though wasn't the part about absolute truth (which is really a topic for another post, being something I've struggled a lot with) but this

What you choose to think—and what you do when you believe no one is watching—is a strong measure of your integrity.

I'd already been thinking about similar things the last few days, so I decided to write down a couple of my thoughts.

 

My words are generally not to be trusted. Anyone who knows me knows that. I'm a storyteller and shitposter. And one of the things I say a lot is that I'm a terrible person. Or at least not a very good one. That I'm selfish and self-centered. All pride and bluster. Looking out for number 1 in a Machiavellian way. Blah blah blah

And deep down I know that's wrong. 

Who am I in the dark? I'm the person who stays late at the party to help the hosts clean up. I'm the person who carries boxes for others just cause I saw they had a lot and asked if they need help. I put down my work when others have questions I can help with for their own projects. I prepare meals for potlucks not just because I enjoy cooking (and the praise) but because I want to make sure there's enough for everyone and then I offer to coworkers because it might make their days. It's a bad habit but I give money (and sometimes food) to beggars. I listen to others (in one and one, at least) and try to give comfort and support. I stop for all the small animals in my way and even bugs I try to not kill. Fundamentally, I may not be a nice or a gentle person, but I am kind. But that's not the face I choose to present. 

I don't know why I'm like this. Is it out of some sort of misguided idea that good deeds don't count if anyone knows? Is it because I want everyone to think that I'm a misanthrope? And people do eventually figure out. That's why a lot of people seem to like me, especially when they get to know me better (and especially one on one).

But in the dark, a certain benevolence shines, even when I feel terrible. I can't deny that part of me. Not in the end.

It's not like this is a bad thing lol. It's good that my fundamental nature seems to be well, good. It's just a strange quirk of mine.  

Even this post is a bit too braggadocios for me but I'll post it anyway.