Summer Day 9

Woke up early. Went back to sleep. When my alarm went off at 7 I sent an email about my computer troubles and how I'd probably not make the meeting we had scheduled this morning. And then I pretty much stayed up, showered and got back to work trying to fix things. That obviously didn't work but I did have enough battery to order a new charger (used my Gallup money to pay for it too). So hopefully that arrives tomorrow. 

Went to work fairly early, since I was already up. Helped a coworker with ArcGIS, ate lunch and then went over to the library which had both computers to use and chargers to borrow (it ends up the charger loans are multiday, which is why I took one home with me. Neat). Got some work done, I'll finish it tomorrow before dropping off the charger. 

Went over to a friends house to carpool over to a move. Actually ended up biking over with him since he caught up as I was leisurely headed that way. As a testament to my absurd leg strength, I kept up just fine going up hills without shifting even as he was (and he's a very good biker). After a quick stop at his house, we went over to the move.

Really it was three moves in one. Or rather, loading up the moving van in a place, taking it to the house and then doing that at two other places. So it took 3 hours and felt more exhausting than that. At least we had a lot of help doing it. Got my exercise in, that's for sure. Lots of lifting and going up and downstairs. Anyway, back to my friend's house and then I biked home, ate dinner and played "guess the song" while avoiding work.

Air quality is slowly getting better, hopefully it is fairly reasonable for the campfire/camp out (I'm not staying the night :( ) tomorrow. I feel better than I did yesterday but still very tired. And like I said, I kinda woke up earlier than I wanted to. Again. Who knows if that is significant or not.

Summer Day 8

I forgot to set my alarm but still woke up before the next alarm (at 8). But not too much earlier. Was quite lazy actually getting out of bed though. Finished dishes, ate lunch and found out the dishwasher is back to not draining. Very frustrating.

Went to work. Air quality is abyssal (AQI > 220 basically all day) so there's a nice smokey haze over everything but it doesn't bother me too much. Did some work at the office but not as much as I should have. Played Catan (it is a Wednesday after all). Continued to do work poorly (I'll actually get up when my alarm goes off and finish writing). Realized that I was feeling pretty down and took a walk. Workedish some more (and troubleshooted computer problems. It's time to retire this one, really). Went over to the Union for open mic night. Listened to the crazy guy give advice while eating a burger. And some singers. It was inside because of the smoke. Went outside for the sunset but couldn't even see the sun. Oh well. Got a picture to compare to last week's (still hazy) picture. Went home.

Did some more work at home. And talked with people. Wrote this. Will go to bed soon.

Like I said, I definitely felt more down today than I have in a while. No real reason either. Bottom end of euthymic maybe? I dunno. Probably also related to the fact I feel tired all the time, despite fairly consistently getting 6-7+ hours of sleep these past few days (and today was certainly 7+ uninterrupted). So I guess the calm has ended, I'll probably be dysthymic for a week or two more and then get like a month + of respite? That's how these things tend to go. At least this is very much just a dysthymic down. I don't feel horrible. I don't feel like crying all the time. But I'm not happy, or even content, yannow?

Summer Day 7

Slept very well. Woke up right at 7. Notice a message from roommate's girlfriend about needing to go to the hospital from like 2 in the morning. I respond that that sucks (I wasn't awake enough to realize the point was to go wake up my roommate). I don't think I fall back asleep until like 7:30 and then drift in and out until like 8. Anyway, am slow to get out of bed (unlike my original plan for the day) and finally get out the house at like 11:00.

The smoke was really bad today. I even took a picture of it. Anyway, make it to the office and do a bit of work. Then hang out a bit, then head over to where the university was handing out free ice cream. Got free ice cream, went back and met with my advisor for like an hour. He thinks I can finish my proposal and defend it by the end of August (so 2 months from now). So I need to get the ball rolling on putting together the committee and getting the warrant out ASAP. We also want to rewrite it for grant purposes. 

Went home and got to work cooking. With the meat and potatoes pre-cut, it really only took like an hour to finish up with cooking. So much longer than recipe said but not as long as it could have been. I did let it take longer than in the recipe to simmer and thicken up. Anyway, the maafe turned out good. Better than I expected. Dinner went well, the missionaries had a nice lesson. 

After dinner I cleaned up and complained a bit about work before going upstairs. Didn't end up working but did read through some tabs that had been open for a while. Fell asleep for a bit, woke up sweaty and then wrote this. 

I feel fine. Just tired but I guess that's normal since I never get enough sleep. Still working on that.

Summer Day 6

Woke up, rolled over and went back to bed. Finally got up at like 8:30 I think? Went to Walmart to buy supplies for dinner tomorrow. Went home and was about to go to my office when the maintenance guy called (well shouted) and said someone from the gas company was here to do some meter work. Which was fine, but it meant I went back inside and that threw me off so despite the metering only taking like 15 minutes it took me another 2 hours to leave. So I didn't get to the office until after 3. Did some work but not enough. Then went over to the park to play lawn games for FHE. Played some kubb and mölkky. It was beautiful outside and hanging with people was nice. Went home, ate dinner (kale and rice in a vinegar sauce), prepared sweet potatoes and meat for tomorrow and played Catan (I won very fast, because I got lucky and also had some really synergistic placement). Went upstairs to work on this (and be lazy in bed).

I've been plotting how to do Saturday and still make it up to fireworks on the river. My backup plan is renting a car (I need more experience driving anyway) but hope to not resort to that. So we'll see.

I feel good enough. And tired, but in a different way than the depressed tired I think. Could've been more productive but I don't feel so unmotivated and I know where to go next. Feels nice to not hate everything and not feel terrible.

Summer Day 5

Got up a little after 7 to go running at the boardwalk. It was cloudy and not too hot but very humid (rain all night) which made it a bit miserable. Also I ran it at a slightly slower pace than before. Saw a gorgeous goldfinch though. Came home, showered, got dressed, ate an early lunch and got a ride to church because I didn't want to deal with humidity. 

Church was fine. I sat in on a lesson with the missionaries before it. I got another confirmation that I was always meant to be here (still don't know why). Spoke quite a bit in Elder's quorum. The first part was about the crucifixion, which I of course have a lot of thoughts about (and even referenced this blog, though I didn't read from it). The second part was about a talk (of course) but we ended up spending a good deal of time on the question of "How does Jesus help you when you are feeling hopeless?" I have a lot of thoughts about this, but my main one is that I can't really explain the mechanics. The phenomenology of Jesus's support can't be explained. But I do know that he does and he will. And that is sometime what carries me through the abyss.

Stopped at the quarry on the way home, the woodchips have been moved away from the main face so it is climbable again. Got home, sat around. Read some theology of sorts. Spent basically all evening and I guess night doing that. And thinking about my last post. And also this one. So pretty unproductive but that's okay.

I feel fine. And tired. It's been like a week now so I think it's safe to say that depressive episode is over. Oh and my appetite does seem to pretty much be back. I think. And just desires in general.

On Soulmates

The word probably least used to describe me is "sentimental". In fact, people pretty regularly tell me that I don't seem like a sentimental person in the least (most recently, I got this Friday). I agree with this assessment. So from that point of view, this is a weird topic for me to approach. 

Summer Day 4

Got up at 6 (as is tradition...next Saturday might be my first time to sleep in months). Left the house a little after 6:30 to go to the farmers' market. Did not find kangkung, did buy unpasturized apple cider (way too much for just a quart, but it is what it is). Dropped off the cider in the office freezer then went to the church to carpool to a service project.

The service project was trail building/clearing. Lots of pulling up saplings and clearing out brush. Only 4 people showed up, so it was a much smaller group than last year. Despite being like 85 degrees, it didn't feel too hot in the shade of the forest. I was absolutely dripping sweat though. We made good progress and then got pizza and watermelon for lunch. The 4 of us finished off the entire watermelon, I probably did a 1/3 of it myself. 

Biked home, showered, napped a little bit and then did laundry. Worked on some things. Ate dinner. Was supposed to sit in on a phone lesson with the missionaries but that was cancelled. Played Catan (lost but it was close). Went to my room to put away clothing and also watched 3 more episodes of Unicorn: Warriors Eternal. Sat around, helped test some new holds and well here we are. I'm tired and will go to bed soon. If the storm is over by morning, I'll run in the morning. 

I've been tired all day, which is a good thing really. Haven't felt too bad. Have been even a bit sentimental/nostalgic.

On Integrity(?)

I haven't checked out the new preach my gospel yet but apparently they added a new Christlike attribute: Integrity. Which is a good thing. What stood out to me though wasn't the part about absolute truth (which is really a topic for another post, being something I've struggled a lot with) but this

What you choose to think—and what you do when you believe no one is watching—is a strong measure of your integrity.

I'd already been thinking about similar things the last few days, so I decided to write down a couple of my thoughts.

Summer Day 3

I started this last night but fell asleep instead. 

I think I woke up a bit early? But rolled out of bed late. Hung around home for awhile. Apparently the dishwasher works again. Eventually went to the office and worked on some stuff for work. Answered questions for a coworker coming in to the project. 

At 4:30 it was time to go running. It was very hot and smoggy so only I and the organizing professor ran. We didn't go fast, but hey a run is a run. Then the happy hour was nice, spending time talking to some friends I hadn't seen in a while. Also got a lead on a potential 3rd project. The lake almost looked swimmable. Grabbed food at McDonalds on the way home and then ended up at home. Played Catan with temporary roommate. Ended up going to bed too late, because I was following the insanity of the Wagner "coup" and they had just captured Rostov around when I was writing this and prepping for bed.

Feeling fine, just tired. Still think I'm within the euthymic range.

Summer Day 2

Woke up at 5:30 and again around 6:30 and finally my alarm at 7. Made it out of bed relatively early, like before 8 I think. Replaced my inner tube, showered and got ready for my meeting. Meeting went on for 45 minutes, I guess we had a lot to talk about. Ate lunch and then went to the grocery store. Grabbed some food but didn't get anything for the missionaries since I haven't decided what I'm making yet (and it really depends on if I can get kangkung at the market Saturday. Otherwise I'll probably make maafe or shashuka).

Went to the office. Worked on some action points from our meeting. Around five went to the climbing gym since they were offering free pizza. Climbed for a bit while I waited for pizza. Did pretty good. Even flashed two yellows (probably high V2 or low V3). My arms were quite sore by the end. Ate pizza, went home. Sat around a bit and then worked on finishing my DnD campaign recruitment survey. And that's where I am now, I guess.

I'm tired. Which is a good thing maybe? But I've been getting plenty of sleep. I feel like my mood is a bit lower than it was a few days ago but probably still well within the range of normal. We'll see I guess. Just gotta keep tracking it.

Summer Day 1

 Longest day of the year baby! 

Woke up at 5:30, which was 30 minutes before my alarm so I went back to sleep. Got up at 6, was out by 6:20. Run at 7, not sure what the pace was but it was already hot so I wouldn't be surprised if it was over 10/mile. Hung out a while then went to the gym to shower. Went to the office, worked on a couple of things then went downstairs to play Catan.

Got a call from the psychiatrists' office. Got an appointment set up for...late July. Well it will have to do. I'm feeling fine right now and if previous experience means anything I'll either be fine then or be on a downswing. So we'll see. If I'm fine right now, why rush things? Also they won't let me update my insurance info on the website, which is annoying. 

Filled out some forms, did a bit of work and then went to Taco Bell since it was next to the first concert site I was visiting. First concert was some guy with a drum machine. He was fine, not much of a crowd, because techno noise isn't a big draw I guess. Next guy was some singer and he was backed by what I assume were tracks he made himself and I was not a fan. His friends were. Then since I had an hour to kill and it was hot, I went over to the library to read some papers.

After that I headed over to the park for the next set of concerts (8 bands from 3-9, with 15 minute breaks between them). On the way I noticed the tire I patched the other day was starting to feel flat. Anyway, first band was a noise rock gig with just a bass and a drum like Lightning Bolt. Pretty fun stuff. Next band was an alternative/post-punk group. Was fine, with cringe lyrics. Then we got a garage band/classicish punk band which was really fun. This was followed by some one-man band with a guitar, singing to what I assume is backing tracks he recorded in studio. He used a lot of echo on his vocals which is an interesting choice when you're shouting. Then we got another punk band (a high energy and less garage sounding one), followed by an art student indie band (I like them more live than their studio recordings), a post-hardcore band (of the 2000s sort, so metalcore influenced) and finally another harder side of alternative band. Post-hardcore band had a mosh pit but I was too tired to join in. At this point the sun was setting and that looked nice over the lake with all the haze from poor air quality.

Then I walked around downtown until I found a pump to fill my tire and rode home. Ate dinner and worked on this. I'm really tired so I'll be going to bed soon. I did not finish my D&D application survey so I guess I'll do that tomorrow.

Pre-Summer Day 22

Woke up before my alarm, but only because I forgot to set my alarm and ended up waking up at 7 anyway. So not really early and I wouldn't consider it . Anyway, went back to sleep because I was tired and rolled out of bed at 8. Made my way out the door a bit later. Was hungry on my way to work so I splurged and got a gyro.

Work itself was fine. I actually did it today, as tedious as it was. In fact, between the office and home I put in like 6 hours of actual work. Which makes up for not working much tomorrow. Had to go home early since I'm hosting a coworker during his homeless week (for money, of course) and needed to prepare some things. Worked more after that though, and had a meeting with another RA getting her acquainted with the project and what I've been working on. Ate dinner (yum, rice eggs and sambal, my favorite!) Then played 2-player Catan with coworker before going to work on this.  

So yeah, all signs pointing to being on an upswing (but not hypomania), even if I am tired (and have been tired all day). Better sleep, more of an appetite, not feeling terrible. Being productive and able to focus instead of really agitated and unmotivated.  

Tomorrow is a very busy day (planning at least 15 hours away from home) so I better go to sleep. Also it will stop being pre-summer and be actual summer.

Pre-Summer Day 21

Didn't manage to get out of bed till 8 but at least I'm getting better. And I think I slept through the whole night again. My mood was also pretty normal feeling so maybe I am feeling better for now. 

Anyway, got up showered and prepared to go to work. Made it as far as the stoplight when I realized my back tire felt off so I reached down and yes it had lost a lot of air. So I went home, found where the hole was and patched it. We'll see how much longer the tube lasts, it was pretty worn. Then I went to work, stopping at the bike shop on the way for a spare tube.

At work I finished grading some stragglers and fixed some grades. And listened to music (new KennyHoopla song came out the other day and Front Bottom's Punching Bag is still stuck in my head). Otherwise didn't do much, I probably should have done more but today is technically a holiday and I'm lazy.

FHE was fun; we used the family tree app to do the find my relatives thing and then draw out those connections to make big webs. As is tradition, I am for the most part not really related to everyone else in the ward. Which is weird because I'm from polygamist pioneer stock and so is most everyone else there. Funnily enough one of the people I am closest to (7th cousins once removed; she wasn't quite my closest but at least initially I was the closest to her) was even more unrelated to everyone despite also being deep pioneer stock.  

Went home. Intended to be productive somehow (washing dishes, starting the diorama, doing work) but wasn't. Well I did start building a survey for the DnD group I'm apparently setting up. And I'm tired now, which is a good thing. It's good to be tired when you're feeling alright. 

Oh, the psychiatrists' office called this afternoon and asked me about myself and my problems. So we'll see who they match me with. I hope for a quick diagnosis and hope that the fact that I'm biased towards a certain one isn't too troublesome. I want a proper diagnosis and have to put aside my biases to let the psychiatrist figure out what's wrong with me. Not that high energy, caffeine sensitivity, weird reactions to low sleep, atypical depression, and age profile don't strongly suggest a certain disease. But proving 4 days of hypomania is really hard.

Pre-Summer Day 20

Yeah I was exhausted when I got home and basically went right to bed. 

Got up around 7 and I think I slept through the whole night. After dragging my feet a bit I prepared to go running. First I stopped by my office to drop off my stuff and then I went over to our meeting point. Not sure how far we ran, but it was good. Went back to my office, then went to the gym to shower. Changed clothes at my office and went to church (after eating lunch, frozen pad thai because I forgot to grab something on my way out). Church was fine. Sunday school could have been more focused (and that's partially my fault, seeing as I wasn't really helping with my comments; at least I occasionally resisted the urge to argue) but we did get participation. And next class will cover the resurrection, which is a fun topic.

Went back to the office to change. Didn't end up working. Got an invite to a game night and decided to go home, shower and go to that. It was a nice bike ride to the game night (13 miles there and back) and I enjoyed it, also hanging out with some people I don't know as well. Went home and since by that point I'd biked like 40 miles (my rough estimate was close to 90 miles Friday-Sunday, which is quite a bit) and also ran quite a bit, I was exhausted so I ate a tiny dinner and basically went right to sleep. 

Another day where I pretty much felt fine. I'm afraid to say that I'm over the worst of my most recent episode, but I might be? Because of course that happens as I'm waiting for the psychiatrists' office to call back. Not a bad thing though, I guess. Maybe it will actually help in diagnosis.

Pre-Summer Day 19

Got up at 5:30. Left home around 5:50 to go to the farmers market. Farmers Market is weird at 6 in the morning when there's not many people there and things are still being set up. Didn't find kangkung, did get cheese curds. Went to the office to put the cheese curds in the fridge and change into nice clothes. Went to the church, met up with the others going to the temple. Went to Chicago (and did not swing the bat), did an endowment session and then we got lunch and went back home. Biked over to my office, changed clothes (left them there for tomorrow) and then went home. Rested, showered and then we had the first pathfinder session in like 2 months, which was just a shopping session (we had too much treasure) but it's nice to finally do it again and hang out. 

TIL the temple has a cool looking AC unit, the steeple is hollow and the tables are not bolted down. I also ended up volunteering to DM an rpg for people in the ward, so time to figure that out. And got to know some of the new members (part of why I didn't swing, but am I too aloof?) which is good. Filling up my mental spreadsheet because I'm the one who knows everything.

At least until I got home, today is probably the most normal I've felt all month. Not agitated. Not sad. Not energetic. Not irritated or angry. Just...normal. When I got home I started feeling a bit low though pathfinder helped raise my spirits again. So I don't think this episode is over yet. But nice is nice (and I need to take what I can). I'm pretty tired (been up for 17 hours at this point) and will be running tomorrow morning so going to bed soon. But it's a good, reasonable tired. Not a depressed tired and not a "I'm tired because I've only slept for 2 of the last 30-36 hours" tired. Going to bed earlier last night was a good call, since it helped stabilize my sleep schedule a bit. Even if I'm still not sleeping enough at night.

Pre-Summer Day 18

A day late because I decided to go to bed early. Overall, felt better than Thursday, which felt better than Wednesday. 

Got up, did not go to my meeting because my boss messed up the times. Went to work, hopefully finished the last (major) grading of the year. Saw a friend who'd just gotten back from vacation, which was really nice. I guess I missed him. Went home. Went over to the park to run. My planned route was 4.6 miles and I decided to use LCD Soundsystem's 45:33 as pacing since it is almost exactly 46 minutes long. So beating it would mean I'm going faster than 10 minutes per mile. I ended up at like 46:33 so a bit slow. Well much slower than my goal, but such is life. 

I did however see lots of chipmunks, a thirteen lined ground squirrel (which I immediately recognized as not a chipmunk) and probably two least weasels. So it was a good run in the end.

Then I hopped on my bike and rode 13 miles to get ramen with a new guy in the ward. Ramen wasn't great but it was good to get to know some of our new members better (well a new member). Also I did it just under an hour (with stopping to check directions) so that felt good. Then 11 miles home, sent off an email and went to bed.

Pre-Summer Day 17

Woke up and actually made it out of bed at a somewhat reasonable time, seeing as I made it to my office a little after 9. But my morning meeting got moved to tomorrow so I decided to go take a bike ride around arboretum instead. So I did that, then got lunch and went back to my office. Cleaned my phone charging port so that it works again. Took a long time to get motivated enough to work but I did eventually grade. Went and ate an early dinner with coworker at the cafeteria. Big dinner. Went back to my office. Finished grading. Went over to the park for a birthday party. Ate cake and played volleyball. Went home to work on my other assignment. Washed dishes and then eventually did that. Set up an open invitation to go running tomorrow evening. Maybe people will show up (though it is a friday evening), maybe they won't. I mostly did it to commit myself to running. I downloaded 45:33 to listen to if no one shows up, since the route is about 5 miles so that's about how much time I want to finish it in. Give or take.

It's a don't feel terrible, don't feel good day. I definitely woke up early (around 4:45 I think) and went back to sleep after that. Definitely felt tired all day. I did sort of leave the party early even though I was mostly enjoying myself because I just wasn't feeling it. Stuff like that.

Pre-Summer Day 16

I woke up before my alarm from a weird dream. Weird enough for me to write down but not for public eyes. All I'll say is that depression aside, my subconscious seems to be giving me a hard time about my reluctance to ask the question. 

Let my alarm go for one snooze and was out the door by 730. So running about 10 minutes late but ended up only arriving like 2 minutes late. Maintained a 9:30 pace today. Getting faster and faster. Hung out a while (we talked shop and life). Went to my office, grabbed my towel and took a shower at the gym. Ate lunch (I was quite hungry at that point). Didn't really go grade like I should have.

Played Catan and ate watermelon. Wandered around for a bit. Finally went back to grade. Was grading and started feeling bad. That sickly sort of depression, rather than just sleepy and unmotivated. Slowly finished grading and kept feeling bad. I didn't cry but got kinda close. I decided to write about my feelings.

Forced myself to go to institute. I worked through it (and didn't participate much) but it was nice to work with people around me because it made me feel more accountable, in a way. Plus I didn't feel quite so bad, so it was easier to do what I was doing. 

Left pretty much immediately after institute ended. Didn't stick around to socialize. I realized near the end of institute I forgot to eat dinner before going over to the church. Got home and eventually forced myself to make dinner. I ate and have been lying in bed ever since, trying to write this. I don't feel as bad as I did this afternoon but I don't feel good, or even okay. I'll brush my teeth and then go to sleep for real.

On the Phenomology of Depression

I'd say most of the time I'd depressed, it's mostly just being low energy. I sleep too much, I have trouble getting out of bed. I wake up in the middle of the night and then fall back asleep. I'm tired all day and take lots of little naps. I have no motivation to do much of anything. Work. Hobbies. Video games. Hanging out with people. Even eating, though once food is in front of me I'll do it. 

I don't necessarily feel emotionally bad. Like sure I don't feel happy or even good but it's not like I feel sad, really. I just am. Low mood/emotions can coincide with this mild depression though. It's just not the defining feature.    

For the most part I can push through this. I can get up (with effort), put on a smile and move on. My work will be slower, it will be worse. I'll be exhausting myself keeping my mask on. But I make it through it. This is the depression that makes me feel the most like an imposter, in a way. I'm wearing a mask of myself as I wait for my face to regrow.

Sometimes, the depression gets more physical. Like a pit in my throat or stomach. Just generally feeling physically bad. Not common, but maybe every few days during an episode. Maybe less. It might not even last much of a day.

The bad moods, the sad moods don't necessarily coincide with these physical feelings but sometimes they do. I feel overwhelmed, like I'm treading water and can barely keep my head above. I feel stressed, but not an ordinary sort of stress. No, a stress about nothing, even when there is something to be stressed about. These moods used to have a lot more self-loathing and guilt. Not so much now. I've cleaned up my life and have developed a healthier sense of self-esteem which has made it hard to get hooked this way. That being said, when the moods come, they will eventually find something to sink their claws into and pull me down. And then I either have to wait for the feelings to subside or hope something, someone knocks me out of them.

I used to have a lot of trouble crying. At the very least it wasn't a common occurrence. Based on this blog, that's clearly changed. Crying helps. Doing things helps. It tends to wash (with time) the bad feelings away for a while. 

They are rare, but occasionally I have suicidal thoughts. I've never gotten anywhere beyond passive ideation (and well, maybe fantasizing dying, but never actually making plans) but they're still really scary. Wanting to self-harm is more common (and I think some of my common coping mechanisms, like intensive, reckless cardio when I feel down actually come from that) but I've managed to resist the urge for almost a decade now. In general I think both of these have gone down a lot compared to my early adulthood.

Most people don't know I'm depressed. In fact very few do and even the ones I've told don't realize the extent. I don't blame them at all. I laugh and I smile. I do get happy when I'm with people, generally speaking, so it's not like I'm lying to them in the moment. But that's what they see and so when I say that I'm sad, they don't know what to believe. They don't know I was crying minutes before, that I put the smile on just for them before I opened the door. No one knows.  

I want to scream my feelings out. I want to tell everyone that I'm hurting. And yet when push comes to shove, I never do. Or I do but in a way that comes of as incredulous. Because that's how I am.  

I don't want to go to institute. I want to stay in my office and mope and think about how much everything hurts and how I'm sad and maybe cry. 

I am going to institute because what I want isn't healthy. Being around people is. Participating in life, even if just a bit, that's what I need to do. 

Pre-Summer Day 15

 It's Her birthday, which I will note is a spring birthday and not a summer birthday. 

 Once again stayed in bed too long, but less long than yesterday. Well, at least tomorrow I have a reason to get out of bed (and maybe I'll get my pace below 10 minutes). Can't remember what I did in the morning. I waited around for a long time for the rain to either start or stop. Eventually around 3 I just went out and did the lake loop in the drizzle. Went to the climbing, was fairly successful (did not climb for very long. I went for hard rather than stamina). Went to my office. Graded some papers. Went to the Chinese restaurant for dinner (and lunch tomorrow, I didn't eat that much; low appetite dll). Finished grading. Recorded a version of the first verse of fishing for birds so that I have the melody saved (apparently I was singing in C which is really convenient since that what the rest of the song was in). Next step is to get the music together, especially the melodic synth. What I have right now is too chaotic and doesn't fit together well. Then I'll put all the voices together, add in some drums and fill out the space with pads and the like. Should be good.

Obviously still pretty unmotivated, anhedonic whatever is the norm. I think I woke up early too but I can't remember. Definitely felt more bad this evening than I have for a few days. Just a low key, non-specific bad. Rest of the day was less bad, though certainly not great. Daytime sleepiness maybe but I haven't given in. At least I don't think I did. 

New Sparklehorse album was announced today which is pretty impressive considering he's been dead for 13 years. I quite liked the single released with the announcement. Oh and the new Kaisers Orchestra song should be coming out soon (or did it last week? It might've been 6/10, not 6/16). And I just learned that The Dead Milkman released a new album last week. And I learned the Front Bottoms are coming to a nearby city in September so that's pretty tempting even though tickets are a bit expensive ($35 before fees). So yeah, a good day for music.

Pre-Summer Day 14

My alarm went off at 7, but other than briefly going downstairs (before returning to bed) I didn't really get up till 10. So the hypersomnia is back (along with the terminal insomnia since I definitely woke up before my alarm to fall back to sleep). Oh and excessive daytime sleepiness as well. I didn't feel too bad moodwise. Certainly not good, but not bad either. Still anhedonic and without much of an appetite. Energy levels are lower than they were over the weekend but I'm still feeling kinda irritable/snappy and definitely was on a creative kick again (quite frankly I could probably stay up a real long time tonight but I'm going to force myself to bed again).

Showered and went to the office. Answered some emails, read some stuff and then went out to get lunch. Came back, read some more stuff (yay lack of motivation) and finally got around to the grading assignments I needed to do (I'm caught up now). Was finished around 6 so I had 30 minutes to kill before getting ready for FHE. I slowly ate soup I brought from home and messed around on the acoustic guitar sitting in the student breakroom. I can play three (power) chords: E, B and A. So basically, I have just enough skill to play a song. I also found a melody for Fishing for Birds that I liked well enough but unfortunately I didn't record it and have since forgot it. Maybe I'll find it again. And hopefully I'm not accidentally plagiarizing (even if that is the shithe way). At the very least, while the lyrics are cringey I think this still might be my best lyrical work yet. Can't wait to start the insanity that is Doctrines of Annihilation. Right now (since I over commit to everything, especially creative endeavors...hmmm) I kind of want to do a painting for each song, along with the album cover. Make Šyþed Pyklez a true multimedia project. We'll see what happens, that's a long term goal.

Went to FHE, ate a lot of watermelon and played apples to apples. I won by a lot, partially because I had an advantage playing from the beginning (more people joined over time) and partially because I'm good. Went home. Sat around, got called by a friend and then wrote this. 

Already did my mood diary and you may notice something I didn't do. I swear I'll call tomorrow, I just got very demoralized by my trouble getting up this morning.  

Pre-Summer Day 13

Weird thing that happened after writing yesterday's entry and biking home. It was raining ever so slightly and then bam, I feel something go past my fast and hear it hit the ground. It looked like someone had through a cup of ground ice at me. Which was bizarre for many reasons, including that there was no one around. Even weirder, it happened again like maybe half a mile away from where it was the first time. Must've been weird hail, but that doesn't explain why it was so clumpy or why it was going fast and from a strange direction.  

I slept for about 7 hours and I think I slept the whole way through, unusually. Of course, I didn't go to bed till 1230 or so which is pretty bad considering I'd been up about 19 hours by that point. By 8 I was out of bed, went downstairs to throw my swim stuff in the washing machine and start cooking. I made a vegan variant of Efo Riro for the ward potluck and it turned out really well. I finished up just in time to catch a ride to church and so I quickly got dressed and did that. Since I had lots of time to kill, I made cute little placards explaining the food (emphasizing it was spicy, I even drew little scotch bonnets on them). And I wandered around the church a whole bunch. Eventually I set up a single chair in the overflow and read but I was fidgety the whole time.

Church went fine. Between meetings I headed over to the kitchen and ran into bishop and his wife and ended up telling them that I am depressed and hoping to start treatment soon. Which was kinda weird but it also felt right? Potluck went well, the soup was nearly completely gone by the end of it despite being spicier than many people can handle (wimps). Of course that's partially because we had really low contribution this month; I think I might have been the only person other than Bishop and his family to bring a main course. Maybe one of two people.

Went home, took a brief nap and then decided to go to my office to work. Took a while to actually work but I did grade another assignment. Now I'm only like 3 behind (as of now, because one was due tonight). I'll get them tomorrow. Went home, cleaned up the kitchen and here I am eventually writing this.

I didn't feel too horrible today. Not compared to yesterday at least. I don't feel good mind you, especially not this morning. I'm certainly still low mood, anhedonic (I didn't eat breakfast, barely ate much at the potluck and didn't eat dinner till 1030 and didn't really want that) and just feel bad. But not horrible. And I'm still pretty energetic and irritated/agitated even if I was more or less able to control/hide it today. I could probably stay up for another few hours easily but I'm going to try to force myself to go to bed soon. I've also decided that I'm going to try to switch my schedule (which I know needs to be more regular) to have a 7am wake up on the regular. That way when I'm having trouble getting out of bed it doesn't cut into my day as much and early mornings won't be as disruptive to my schedule. We'll see how well this works. It's going to take a lot of self discipline.

Camping- June 2023 (Pre-Summer Days 11 and 12)

 This one is really heavy so I'm putting a break in right away. Proceed at your own peril

Pre-Summer Day 10

So my alarm went off at 6 but I really wasn't ready. In fact, I didn't get out of bed till like 7:30, showered and it still took like another 2 hours to get downstairs. And I couldn't work. No focus and I just felt terrible. The overwhelming sadness (over nothing) was back. So I mostly laid on the couch and repeated to myself that everything was going to be okay, that I was going to be okay. I finally got started with work (and my meeting was delayed for 30 minutes as well). Did the meeting, got a better idea of what I needed to do.

Decided that I should go out and clear my head. Biked down to the boardwalk. That was a great idea actually. I saw a (dead :( , it was in the middle of the bike path and not moving so I went to push it off to the side and it didn't respond) garter snake, nearly hit a chipmunk (it ran back at the last second as I was madly braking), saw a goldfinch, a green heron and a bunch of other things. So that was nice. 

Then I went up to my office to work. Well it took a really long time to actually get work done (I didn't leave the office till after 9, despite getting there before 2), but I did eventually send out an update email I needed to and graded papers (still like 2 assignments behind, but so is everyone else). I'll get up in the morning and catch up on grading, shouldn't be too bad. Generally I get a couple days respite between bad days.

And that is how it is. The last few days I felt okay. Today I felt bad in the morning. Just inexplicably bad. I worked through it and that will hold it for a while. Then it will come back until one day it doesn't and I'll have a few weeks off before I get hit real hard again and the cycle repeats. I really don't get my depression, which is why I have so much trouble seeking help.

Pre-Summer Day 9

 I'm not sick, but I'm not well and I'm so hot 'cause I'm in heeeeeeeeeeeeellllllll!

Got up at 6:30, slept in till 7. Threw together my stuff and went over to go running. Arrived exactly at 8 (as planned). We went running, did an almost exactly 10 minute pace this time and I didn't feel like dying quite so much. Still have to drop quite a bit more. Hung around for a bit and then went to the new gym to shower. It was very nice. One interesting thing is that the locker room/shower/changing area is mixed sex. Of course, you're only allowed to be naked ("no bare chests or buttocks") in the showers or changing rooms, which are completely sealed off so it's not like there's any problems here. Just interesting. Good design I think overall.

Got to my office and took a nap for like 30 minutes (tired from not sleeping enough but also depression probably?). Read some stuff, didn't work. Played Catan, was close to winning but my engine was a bit slow. Went up to my office and then took a walk. Got food (I'm in the overeating stage of depression?). Went back to my office. Still didn't work. Took another nap. 

Went to institute, which was less good than usual. Just a bit derailed I guess. Halfway through I got distracted answering emails for work. Sat in on a lesson with the missionaries afterwards. Went well. Got home around 10 (so almost 15 hours away from home). Cooked some veggies and ate them. Started working. I'm gonna get up early tomorrow to do more work because I'm tired. But maybe I'm finally motivated (by deadlines if nothing else). 

Pre-Summer Day 8

Basic summary of the day is I didn't do anything. Except laundry and watching episode 3 of Unicorn Warriors Eternal and the first episode of Primal. And I talked with a friend, who commented that I sounded happier than I did on Monday. Which is true, but still very unmotivated. I went to the office and couldn't get myself to work. I didn't even manage to make it to the climbing gym. My mood is going up (and maybe my appetite?) but still feeling low energy and anhedonic overall, it seems.

I couldn't even get myself to write this.

Pre-Summer Day 7

Woke up before 6 (as is tradition), fell back asleep and slept in till 9. Took a while to get out of bed. Eventually showered, took a phone call and ate lunch. Made it to the office like around 1? Didn't do much at work, despite having work to do. Just wasn't feeling it. I wasn't feeling sad (like Monday or Tuesday or Saturday) but I was feeling low, if that makes sense. Just wasn't really feeling anything I guess, other than tired (despite the 8+ hours of interrupted sleep) and grumpy. 

FHE was making sushi and despite not having much of an appetite and still feeling low, it went well. My mood definitely improved as the night went on (though it's dropped back down a bit). I put way too much wasabi on my sushi...I can still taste hints of it on my breath. Should've brought peanut sauce. 

Came home and didn't do much. More reading. More semi-moping? Listened to some electric eels (Šyþed Pyklez comes from the Cleveland punk tradition for sure) and yeah. At least I feel tired but not too tired? At least I'm not compelled to sleep and just keep sleeping? I dunno. Hopefully within a few weeks this passes.

Pre-Summer Day 6

Feeling okay, not great but better than yesterday. Definitely felt better earlier in the day though.

Got up and then put my alarm on snooze for an hour. Also I definitely woke up well before my alarm and then went to back to sleep. A depression tradition. Got ready for church, biked over. It was hot but I had a sufficient change of clothes so that was fine.

Fast and Testimony meeting wasn't too bad. Not the greatest ever but for the most part on topic. I wasn't very participatory in sunday school. Maybe I had nothing to say, maybe I was a bit too depressed to think of something to say. I ended up telling two people that I'm depressed, sort of. One I actually used the d-word (and he did ask a follow up later on, asking if it was stress so I told him it's just cyclical), the other I just heavily implied it (spending the afternoon crying isn't a normal person thing after all). I'm glad the people here are good, and I like them. 

Went to a cookout after church. I did a tamarind-palm sugar glaze grilled pineapple (with cinnamon and cloves, of course) which turned out real well, though I'm not sure if the glaze actually did anything. Smelled amazing (and tasted great) at the very least. My peanut sauce and sambal were also I hit, though I think I'm the only one who put them on my burger (which was an excellent idea). Talked with some people and yeah it was a good cookout. 

Went home, planned for this weekend's campout (roommate is going so that makes getting there much easier. We'll probably go climbing afterwards), ate terribly (jellybeans and pretzels but not real meals) and didn't do much else. Not sure where the time went. 

Anyway, I'm tired now even though I've really only been up for like 15 hours and only did like 13 miles today. (Atypical) Depression do be like that. 

Oh I need to post more bird pictures, because I now have people asking why I haven't posted in a while. It makes me happy knowing my pictures brighten other people's days.

Pre-Summer Day 5

 In order to hit all my morning plans, I had to get up early. So I did, waking up as terminal insomnia does before 6. I must of fallen back asleep though because I had a really weird dream after that. Anyway, I woke up again at 7 like I meant to, decided to shower and was out the door by 745.

Went to the farmers market with the intent to meet some friends but didn't text when I got there because I just wasn't feeling it. Wandered around the market (apparently at the same time as them lol, they must've been on the other side though) and while I didn't find kangkung I did get daun jeruk and some pepper dip. At 9 I went over to get my free bagel for bike week and I slowly ate it as I biked over to my office to put my stuff in the fridge. 

I then biked to the stake center, a first for me. It took about an hour, could've been faster but I was biking slow. It was riding my bike that the big sad started overcoming me (the signs were of course already there). I'm glad I was already on the road so I could just keep moving forward, but I sure felt awful. I was entirely planning on just sticking around for the devotional, barely eating lunch and then leaving. Definitely not wanting to hang out. 

Devotional went well. My comment about agency clearly impressed Sister Cordon because she referenced it like 3 times afterwards. There were a couple parts I near teared up at, because depression. I went over to the lunch (and was the first person to, hoping that others would follow) and got a sad plate of food. I then sat down and ate...with friends and actually the conversation at lunch was pretty good and I felt a tiny bit better. I was pretty open about feeling awful, though I'm not sure if people realized that what I meant was that I'm depressed. Might have to clear that up if it comes up tomorrow, since I'm trying to be more open and all. I didn't stick around to play volleyball though. I just (slowly) went home, stopping by my office on the way to get my stuff. 

Things for the rest of the day were a little better than expected though. I didn't spend the whole time curled up and crying in bed like I wanted to in the morning. In fact, I didn't cry at all. It did take me a long time to pull myself into the shower and to record a 20 second song (Press Gang Redux) but I did eventually do those things. And I managed to go grocery shopping and got a pineapple to grill at our cookout tomorrow. And sat in on a phone lesson with the missionaries. So like I said, I managed to do things. And sure I still lay around a bunch and didn't do much else and slipped in and out of half sleep (and yet feel tired still) but I wasn't self-loathing and crying. Better than it could be, even if I am clearly depressed.

I will say that the one nice thing about this depressive episode is that I really am just sad. The self-hatred is way toned down and there's not much to feel guilty about. So I just feel bad. Which is better than a lot of my older episodes.   

Pre-Summer Day 4

 Held through this day mostly fine, though I was too tired to actually write this night of.

Got up (at a reasonable hour even) and did normal activities. Ate lunch and took a call from a friend, delaying my (ultimately unneeded) trip to the office. Went to the office and was shocked to find people there. Did my work meeting, so I actually have things to do next week. Which is good, I was going crazy. Went over to a friend's house for a barbecue. Food was very good and so was just hanging out. Things like this are my favorite part of summer. Went home. Didn't want to pull my computer out. Tried to fix the dishwasher but couldn't. Washed dishes and went to bed (before midnight I think?)

There was a nice sunshower as I was riding my bike, so I got to hide under a bridge for 20 minutes. Great fun (it was pretty though).

Like I said, could have felt better but certainly wasn't feeling to bad, lack of energy and motivation aside. And I did do things.

Pre-Summer Day 3

Woke up at like five, took more ibuprofen just in case. Woke up again around 7, got ready to go running. Went running and even at 830 it was already very hot. Did around 4.25 with a just over 10 minute pace, which was pretty good and I was dying by the end, so I need to improve on that. Luckily the itch wasn't too bad. Talked with friends for a while afterwards and then went home (I grabbed McD's on the way). Showered, the itch was coming back a bit but luckily not too bad. Applied aloe. Took more ibuprofen I think. Went off to the movie theater but not before noticing the ward discord seemed to have disappeared (it got deleted? We're still trying to figure out what happened).  Watched Across the Spiderverse on Imax at the first showing (it was 20% off) because I wanted to and quite frankly I feel bad so I'm going to do what makes me happy. Absolutely amazing. Went to Taco Bell to wait 20 minutes and eat (I wasn't even hungry, but I needed a reason to be there). Went to the park for the bird collision corp meet-up + birdwatching event. Did that for a while (watching birds with old people who know what they are doing is fun) and then left to go to the baptism. Baptism went well but no one brought treats so ooops. Went home. Made grilled cheese and ate some cookies (more for calories sake but I think I had a slight appetite. But I also ran a lot and also biked like 30 miles so that's kinda to be figured (even all the fast food together probably only came out to like 1600 calories). Played bass very aggressively and hurt my finger from picking too hard/fast. Press Gang Redux is gonna be awesome. Worked on these posts.

Despite feeling better most of the day (and objectively speaking, being a good day) I feel my mood slipping again. So we'll see how I am tomorrow. Definitely still unmotivated. I much prefer days like today and yesterday, where I'm unmotivated and anhedonic but don't feel sad to days where I feel sad and also only want to curl up in bed.

Across the Spiderverse spoilers incoming. 

Pre-Summer Day 2

Felt less bad today than yesterday or the day before. 

Slept in (disturbed sleep of course, also I went to bed early). Showered like an hour and a half after waking up. Ate lunch (and played bass a bit?). Eventually made it out the door. The itch started around when I got to my office so I very uncomfortably walked over to target to get aloe vera gel. Went back to my office and it mostly wasn't too bad. Sat around, went downstairs to play Catan. Lost. Hung around my office until institute time. Itch got pretty bad but not overwhelmingly so.

Institute was fine, got a t-shirt out of it. On the way home the itch got really bad. Unbearably bad. I felt like I want to die (this happens every few years; the itch, not wanting to die which as we all know is a bit more frequent). Got home, stripped down and threw myself into the shower. Hot water is basically the only thing that dulls the pain and even that is temporary. Realized I forgot my towel, so did a leap of shame and got back just in time for the pain to come back. Stood in the shower some more. Eventually ran out again to get ibuprofen and take that. Showered more. Eventually calmed enough to apply aloe. Didn't really want to do anything except lay in bed, in case the itch came back. Eventually subsided enough to halfheartedly cook dinner (grilled cheese, my appetite really isn't back). Went back to bed. Didn't do this because I didn't want to risk triggering an itch attack. Luckily didn't happen.

Like I said, moodwise I feel a bit better, but I'm still clearly anhedonic. Maybe the pain was distracting enough?