Spring Day 2

I thought I was doing alright. In fact I was doing alright until this evening. Then my world came crashing down once again. 

Got up, daydreamed a bit (a lot; they were way too optimistic but whatever. If only life were so sweet), showered and looked at what was wrong with the tires. Big ol' pinch flats (as I expected) so I went to Walmart to pick two new inner tubes and do some shopping. Grapes were on sale, which was nice. It was a warm and beautiful day so it was nice to be out. Got home, fixed the tires, took the bike out the boardwalk to enjoy the day and look at the birds. Lots of killdeer out today. 

Got home, ate dinner, started to work on my assignment for tomorrow (about my proposal) and all the dark feelings came crashing back. I started crying and just couldn't do it so I went up to play video games for a bit. Came back down an hour later to try again and couldn't get very far before I had to stop again because of how overwhelmed I felt. With a bunch of cry breaks, I eventually finished the assignment (with a fair amount of snark about how I need to rework everything from the beginning). It's not my proudest work but at least I'm done.

I want to quit so bad. I know I shouldn't. I know I'm being irrational. But I hate doing this so much. I love research. I like solving problems. I just can't solve my own. I think I'm also feeling really isolated from the part of the work I'm passionate about. You'll get more on this in "On Zion" but I do development economics because I want to help people create better lives for themselves. My research right now, while it has some intellectually interesting parts (thinking about intergenerational information transfers and the like) ultimately is pretty far removed, especially in the state that it is in right now. So it's hard to care when I want to be out in the field, tangibly making people's lives better. 

 I came up with a list of 4 reasons why I shouldn't quit. 

1. I don't have a back-up plan. This is a fair reason. As long as I am here, the department will waste a small amount of money on me. Of course, the longer I'm here, the more I am missing out on real experience and real money. And I've picked up and left everything before. I can just go to Utah for a couple months to get back on my feet and go find a nice data analytics job. Will it be the life I wanted? Nope but it will be a perfectly fine life.
   
2. I'll miss the birds, especially the cranes and loons. This is a dumb reason. It's not like I don't miss the quail, the magpies, the hummingbirds in Utah. But I do like my commute (other than the hill). Sure it's long, but it's pretty. I see all sorts of birds and other animals every day. I genuinely like this city, even with the winter. I'd miss it
3. I'll miss the people. I really like my coworkers. I really like the ward. I know that in theory it's easy to stay in contact with people but I know I won't. Not well at least. So I'm not ready to leave them yet. Plus I still have my question unanswered (not that one, the other one. That one is point four).
4. I don't think I've done what I'm supposed to yet. Yes I did the thing and it was wonderful but I don't think that's why I am meant to be in this city. Maybe it's related to the other question, maybe it isn't. Whatever it is, I've promised to stick around until I complete my purpose. It's annoying but that's the real reason I can't quit. Not yet. Doesn't help that when I was doing the thing, I was specifically reminded of this by the person who would've had no idea about this question. 

On a side note, it's been almost exactly 10 years since I've felt like this (minus the depression but also sort of kinda yeah?). It's even more absurd this time and not what I need right now. Unless it is.  

I need to throw together a presentation for tomorrow evening but I might just do it in the afternoon because it's late and I still feel terrible. I think I'll write either "A rude question" or "On Birds" though. I like writing.