Spring Break Day 1

So I ended up skiing for 4+ hours today. I wasn't going fast or anything, just thinking a lot and I lost track of time. Ended up getting sunburned too, because of course I did.

Anyway I went through a whole bunch of hypothetical situations in my head, ranging from "really probably not happening" to "never happening lol". That's normal of course; it's just what I do. What is more interesting is that these were fairly positive, when normally I am very negative about myself, my future and how people might treat me. I came to a lot of realizations about myself and my situation.

What's more impressive though is that for the first time in a while, I felt I could change things. I was visualizing ways of fixing some problem or some of the burdens that have been . I felt a desire to be apologetic and try to right some of my many wrongs. Overall, I feel like I've actually been experiencing a mighty change of heart.

Even stranger? I've started acting on them. I've felt guilty about being a bad minister for a long time and today I actually reached to some of them so that they'd at least know who I am (not to all of them yet though. There's one who I'm afraid I might have offended last week and so I want to make sure my apology is good. Maybe I'll see if I can catch them after sacrament on Sunday and then re-evaluate from there. I was thinking about the internships I haven't applied for and started writing (in my head of course) the emails I need to send, with every intent of actually doing that tomorrow. I would've done it today if I hadn't gotten home so late (4+ hours of skiing, plus packing and unpacking my bike, plus travel times plus a quick trip to Walmart to grab somethings I forgot to get on Saturday) and the wifi had been working when I got home.

I'm still depressed, there's no doubt about that. I'm still anhedonic (especially wrt food; which makes dieting easier but also emphasizes my anhedonia since I love food). But my mood is getting a little better, at least temporarily. I'm still no closer to knowing why I'm here. But I'm becoming a bit more accepting of that; accepting that I just need to be ready to do what God wants me to do. I still hate a lot about the situation I'm in. But I'm remember that it's okay to be unhappy and that being unhappy and hating my life doesn't need to mean that I hate myself or make things difficult for myself because I feel like that's what I deserve. Most importantly, it doesn't mean I need to drag down others with me.

So yeah, oddly productive day even though I basically spent most of it skiing.