Spring Day 12

 Got up. Weather was a bit ambiguous (it was supposed to storm all day but the storm didn't end up happening till the evening) so I decided to not go climbing and just hold zoom office hours today. Didn't grade since I didn't feel up to it. In fact, I didn't feel up to much today, despite feeling fine (I think? I'm not sure I know what feeling fine feels like anymore). At the very least, not depressed. Went shopping and ended up overeating (mostly grapes, lots and lots of grapes but even without that I'm sure I went over my calories, especially since I only biked like 4 miles today). Lay in bed for a bit, can't remember if I napped or not.

Later in the evening, I decided to dig through my boxes to find my old mission journal. Couldn't find it (already pulled it out?) but I did review my old medical records (man I was skinny in high school), and the letters I got on my mission. Well, the two handwritten ones at least. I also found a letter left unsent (should probably bury that) which was an interesting look into my post breakup mind. I completely forgot I had written it. Anyway, also found $20 in a birthday card I got on my mission and some old notes for my tabletop game/multimedia setting that I forgot I'd written. And a very short journal covering the last month of my mission + a couple days in Ethiopia that give a good look into my mindset then (Interesting thing I wrote in December 2016 about how I was doing bad (with no entries unfortunately) and then started feeling better and being productive before crashing again. I try to justify these crashes and the depression in general, but looking back I wonder if I do that too much). While writing out my thoughts and letters on electronics is mostly nice (no searching for a tiny journal!) there really is something lost in it. You can't see the scratched out words or the marginalia and footnotes. The shifting sizes and shapes of letters. The change of pen as I move from one day to the next. These electronic diaries are lifeless compared to the truly written word. 

For all my regrets about my life, about love and relationships and what has (and hasn't) happened, one thing I don't regret, in fact I am absolutely proud about, is that I've written (and received) love letters. Not love emails or text messages (though I've written those too). Actual love letters, delivered by a mail man and all. Letters that crossed continents and oceans to find their way to the one I loved. Letters written with ink on paper, simple lined paper, folded up and shoved in an envelope. The vestiges of a lost era, already long gone by my time, held alive only by the archaic rules of missionary life. It warms my cynical heart, lighting the room for the lost romantic hiding there ("On Romanticism" is another good essay topic). I look forward to one day telling my kids about how their dad kept this ancient practice alive (probably not with their mom though lol. But maybe I'll somehow end up in a situation where it makes sense :p).

Finished reading an essay comparing Joseph Smith and Kierkegaard's views on 19th century Christianity. Interesting enough, the parts on Kierkegaard's opinions on revelation and apostles were new for me. Having mostly only read his more existential stuff, I wasn't aware he was waiting (to a degree) for a revelator. The other day I read an article on George Albert Smith's depression, which was a good read. Forgot to mention that on here. The reason I bring it up is there's a funny little section about his dad (an apostle) sending him (also an apostle) a case of beer with a note saying it was endorsed by the prophet to help him feel better. I know the standards relating to alcohol were a bit different back then but it's still a funny anecdote. Reminds me of the time (senior pictures I think?) where my dad jokingly suggested that I try marijuana because maybe I would finally loosen up a bit and stop being so tense.

Sayings on the Cross: Intro

As regular readers of this blog are aware (I always get a kick out of saying that), mid to late February was a rough time for me. That of course coincided with the start of Lent. One of the reasons I revived this blog (and let it thrive) was because near the beginning of Lent I started reading up on the sayings of Jesus on the Cross and decided that I really wanted to do a series on them. While initially wanting to get all my thoughts out at once, I decided that doing them one day at a time, with seven landing on Good Friday would probably be the best way to do them. 

I'm not interested in the theological implications of these verses. I don't care what "paradise" means or what prophecies were fulfilled. As I've mentioned before, I find the Bible a poor source for theology given that I have access to modern revelations. There's no need to pan for meaning when the river lies next to a gold mine. No, what I'm interested in is my relationship with the words and their themes. So in a way you could say that this are more "On X" posts. "On Forgiveness", "On Salvation" and so on. Named differently though; this is a formal series. 

So look forward to that, hopefully it turns out at least a seventh as well as it is in my head.  

Spring Day 11

Took me like 3 hours to get out of bed and shower, then another 2 to get to the office. Class was canceled today (and tomorrow) on account of the exam but we're supposed to hold office hours and grade, so I held office hours (and didn't grade because we don't have the exam rubric yet). Before that though, I stopped by the library to pick up Infinite Jest. I've been meaning to for a long time (I'm the sort of person that everyone probably thinks is a Wallace bro anyway) and finally committed. 

Went to McDonald's after my office hours to try the new bacon ranch mccrispy (not worth it) and then went climbing. Was there for a bit over an hour. Lots of people but not as many as I expected. Either made significant improvement on or sent a number of harder (for me) problems I've been projecting, which was nice. Went home (nearly got hit while crossing the street, in the crosswalk, while I had a cross signal and cussed out the driver for making a turn on a red light. I've done really well controlling my anger compared to when I was younger but biking is my one exception), read the first 50 or so pages of Infinite Jest (I like the style, it really hasn't been that difficult so far even if I have no idea what's going on). Copious notes are a thing I've liked in novels since a kid, which is part of why I've been wanting to read this book. Went to write this.

Definitely ate more calories than I normally do, probably around 2000. Sign of appetite coming back, stress eating, or my body telling me that I need more (my weight loss has mostly stabilized back to where I want it, around 1-2 lbs per week more or less)? I don't know. I really have no idea how I feel. I wasn't up to playing games today at English Corner (like I normally do Thursdays) but also I don't feel horrible? But I was also clearly avoiding people and doing my own thing. Lots of second guessing the self-diagnosis I made yesterday. That's what the appointment is for, I just want things to progress quickly if I am right. I finally want help. Question was on my mind again, but right now I'm feeling that even if the answer is yes (and I do want to know the answer still) I want to hold off asking the follow-ups until after I am more stable, if that truly is my problem. I do hope the answer is yes though.    

Spring Day 10

Woke up at 6, but didn't manage to pull myself out of bed until about 6:30. Took some caffeine to stay awake. By about 7:00 I finally started my assignment. Scrounged up a 2.5 page draft that is not very good and sent it out by 8:40 and then headed off to class. Class itself was pretty good, I don't enjoy literature reviews but I do enjoy writing and the class. Took a long lunch, chatted with friends for a long time. Was talkative, loud and obnoxious as normal. Went home, laid in bed for a while (with a short nap) and started reading about mental health stuff again. Spent hours like that, then ate a small dinner and eventually got around to writing my diary entry for yesterday, finished my post on admonishments and then wrote then. Have been very distracted by my discovery/eureka moment though. And also just because I'm an easily distractible person in general. The question hasn't been on my mind as much recently (though it's still there), I guess I have a new obsession for the time being. I don't exactly want an answer until I get some of these other things cleared up anyway, in retrospect some of my worry was probably because of my illness. 

I forgot to mention that yesterday I set up an appointment to get screened for an eventual appointment with a shrink. So I'm really looking forward to that on Tuesday, which is different than the last time I went to a psychologist (in summer 2018). Maybe because I think I might have figured out what my problem is (bipolar II disorder-rapid cycling) and I know that this is something treatable, even if it will probably take a while to get that in order.

I'm really glad that I decided to document everyday for the past few weeks because I was fretting about not being able to prove a hypomaniac episode of 4+ days (proving a major depressive episode is much easier, I have years worth of documentation for that) until I started looking back at my posts. I wrote a whole random song on Saturday, after being irritated in the morning and taking an ill-advised spontaneous bike ride (not to mention sending out friend requests for the first time in years on FB)! I was unusually outgoing and talkative on Sunday. I actually set up a social activity for Monday (that actually wasn't mentioned in the diary post but I have receipts for it) and took an objectively bad event (double flats) rather well. I mention how good (and daydreamy) I was on Tuesday before a very obvious emotional crash. We'll see what the doctor says obviously but I think I'll be able to make a case to not start with standard antidepression treatments.

On Admonitions

There's two verbs that dominate my patriarchal blessing, "bless" and "admonish." Now that's an interesting word that you don't hear often.

While the word comes up throughout the blessing, it's most notable in the (fairly short) section about marriage. There's no "bless" there. No real information. Just a warning that I better do certain things.

When I received this blessing, it was mostly just weird. At that point in time, dating wasn't really a thing I did (jokes on you, it's still not 😅) and I wasn't really considering dating outside the church. Sure my testimony may not have been strong (and so some of the admonishments made sense) but a specific warning to marry in the temple? Seemed a bit egregious. Fast forward a year. I'm dating her and was in a situation where those admonishments made sense. I was prompted (I think? it's been almost 10 years at this point) to reread my patriarchal blessing and those admonishments really stuck out. I told her, in a very teary skype call the night before I left for college, that this was why we wouldn't work out. She disagreed. Well she won.

I thought that maybe I could still get things to work out. But you can't change people and shouldn't, not like that. Instead I slipped away, little by little, from my already precarious point. But that wasn't her fault.

So what is this blogpost? Like all "On [topic]" posts its only somewhat about that topic. I'm not really here to talk about being warned or my feelings on warnings. No, it's about how when I look back (as I have many times before) I'm reminded that my religious journey back (back up at the very least) really started here. Both with my rejection of the admonishment but also the fact that I looked in the first place. Or that something which at the time seemed so weird ended up mattering. Coincidence? Sure could be, but maybe, just this once, I'll interpret it as something else, something that matters for me.

Spring Day 9

Posting this a day late, but it is important that I document every day. My class had an exam today so I had to make sure to leave home early. Exam went fine (lots of questions to answer so I ran around the hall they were taking it in the whole time), went to the butcher to buy some very expensive rabbit and then went home. Sat around for a bit (can't remember doing what. Moping? Oh and talking with Jason. That was good actually, I gave him some advice about General Conference that actually felt a bit inspired. And I sent Lillian some resources for finding an assistantship here since her program has been very quiet about funding) and then went on a bike ride to the boardwalk (beautiful day). Lost my left mitten, unfortunately, so now I'm wearing a right mitten and a right glove. Went home, avoided doing my homework some more. Ate at some point. Did the first part of the assignment, which had nothing to do with my own research. Avoided writing the email. Finally started it. Opened up (a bit, not fully) about some of my struggles with research. Got it sent off like 1:15. Set alarms for 6 and went to bed, leaving the rest of the assignment for tomorrow (which is today, because I am late).

 Mentally speaking, it was okay near the beginning and got worse as the day went on, except part of the afternoon. I expected this to happen, given that my research project is a major stressor and thus depressive state trigger. But that's more of a story for another day (today)...

Spring Day 8

Today was an aggressively mixed day. Actually had someone show up to office hours though. Otherwise, I did no work because it's too stressful and killing me. I'll need to face it tomorrow though. I've been reading up more about social anxiety and how to deal with it (especially for dealing with the question). Oh and I teared up a bit while reading stuff about that and related to it. And I read my patriarchial blessing again and yep it's pretty clear that the question is in my hands.

I managed to get selected to present again in IO. Two in a row now, absolutely devastating. I had a sinking feeling it was coming too but didn't spice up, or even review, my presentation. It also meant I couldn't leave early like I was planning on, yet I still managed to get to the church mostly on time for FHE. It was a trivia night and I love trivia (and as usual, dominated it). No flats either! Then I had to rush home to make sure an exam was turned in on time (it was). Took almost exactly 40 minutes, which is not that fast all things considered. Sure felt faster than I normally do it though. Should've biked up the hill.

Some goals

•  This blog
• On Grading
• On Zion
• On Admonishments
• Sayings of the cross series for Easter
• I'd like to do some Kikxotian short stories/folk tales. Maybe I don't have any conlanging juice right now but I can still do some worldbuilding
  
• In life
• Get over myself
• Answer those emails (I have to do this tomorrow, for class so fml)
• Reach out to the Other and see how she's doing. No modus, I don't want to get back together but it's been a few years and I genuinely care about how she's doing. Plus if I can reach out to someone who has every right to be angry at me (though she probably isn't, she's too nice/good for that), maybe I'll prove to myself that I can get over my anxiety with those that don't. This is a longer term goal, her birthday is in like 6 weeks and that's a reasonable deadline if I don't reach out sooner.
  

Spring Day 7

 I got up, left home by 10:30 (had to prepare the sacrament) and came home just before midnight. So a long day. What happened?

Well, church went well. Was very busy the whole time and testimony meeting went well. Finally got around to setting up a time to renew my temple recommend. Easter is the date for now. Had meetings after church and then choir after that. Did not have a chance to get any closer to answering the question (at FHE maybe?). However, I did get an answer to a related question. An answer I didn't want, which is that I need to figure this out myself and can't try to divine intervention my way in or out of it. I already know the threshold is met so God's hands are washed. 

Went to the arboretum after choir. I cancelled my nature walk due to snow but still had time to kill. Definitely want to lead people out to the boardwalk, it was quite pretty. Saw a redheaded woodpecker, some nuthatches, lots of red wing black birds, some sparrows, two cranes (no whooping cranes though), lots of turkeys, another woodpecker and many robins. Heard a kingfisher (two maybe) but didn't see it. Oh and a wood duck and probably a lot else I forgot.

It was hailing/sleeting by the time I left, so I took refuge in my office. Broke my fast and then went to our research whining event. Whined about the problems I have with my research. That was nice. Talked about other people's research. Then we hung out for a while, just chatting and stuff. Watched a couple of episodes of Spy x Family too. Went home at like 11:30. Got home and answered emails. Long day, busy day. Half fulfilling day.

Spring Day 6

 Woke up with my alarm and didn't go back to sleep. Looked outside and with all the snow I knew I had to go skiing (we got like 10 inches in a night). Took me way too long to get out of the house though. Also I made the mistake of taking my bike. Only some of the streets and paths had been plowed by that point so I ended up walking much of the way. Really should've just skied to the trail, but couldn't do that with my bike. 

Even though it was late morning by the time I got there, I was still the first skier of the day, so I got to break trail (a couple snowshoers preceded me but their paths were one, not super helpful and two, only on some of the trails). I ended up breaking trail for all three loops, which I'm sure lots of people appreciated. The temperature was already going up, which made the snow a bit sticky, especially on first break. But it was good over all.

Breaking trails is hard work, so after eating and showering I took a nap. Then I answered some student emails, paced around and considered life and my questions (well the question, I've given up trying to find an answer for my existential question for now. Not sure how I'm going to get an answer to the question besides talking but I don't know of a natural way to do that because I'm super awkward). I cancelled my nature walk for tomorrow since it will probably be all mud (more than half the snow was already gone by sunset and tomorrow will be even warmer), but will still be going to the arboretum. Maybe others will too, despite the cancellation. Not counting on it though.

Got on the pathfinder chat. We didn't end up doing anything (some character models were missing and so was our samurai) but it was nice to talk to Stephen and the others for a few hours. Still not sure if choosing pathfinder over the ward line dancing activity was the right idea but I'll just have to live with it (also I wouldn't have answered the question, probably). 

Worked on Fishing for Birds by which I mean started laying out yet another structure and thinking about the core metaphors. I saw that only one verse was left for Counting Sheeple so I just deleted it. Now I have 10 verses which, after reordering, tell a coherentish story in 5 groups. Counting Sheeple is right up there with Indian Summer Love for being one of the most personal songs I've ever written (many years out of date, yet still very personal), but I do think with the double entendre it fits well enough with the rest of the album. Especially since both sides of it really fit with both underlying themes (conspiracy and growing up). 

 Did not answer those emails. Tomorrow I swear, they just cause me so much anxiety and I'm already anxious enough as is (in part due to brain chemistry, in part due to the question). 

Book discussion: Paradise Reclaimed by Halldór Laxness

 So I liked this book but it's definitely a weird one. I get why the intro says that it's not for everyone. The characters can be a bit infuriating. At first glance, it literally goes nowhere. The writing style itself is a bit strange, like it is the transcript of someone telling a story, rather than the story itself being told (which I came to really like). I'm not going to try to avoid spoilers or anything, so adding in a jump break. Beware

Spring Day 5

Got up, went climbing. Still haven't gotten the V3/4s I was working on but I'm getting closer. There's some good ones right now. Taught my first class of the day, it went well. Some good questions from the students (and in general, that's my favorite class to teach because they actually participate). Finished Paradise Reclaimed instead of sending emails or going to a seminar (maybe you'll get my review tomorrow). Taught my last class of the week (barely anyone showed up). Helped set up for our office Mario Golf Tournament. Played Mario Golf (got 0 in 9, so good enough). Helped clean up. Chatted with some prospective students. Came home. Sat around. Got nostalgic and scrolled way back on facebook (got a date for when I need to finish Counting Sheeple by). Crazy to think what I used to post, now it is all photos. Also interesting to see my political journey in reverse. The sorts of thoughts I know post here would be on Facebook. Finally got around to doing this, way late. And that was my day. Not much to report. Hopefully we'll get to play Pathfinder tomorrow. I also really need to write those emails and also be around to answer my students' questions.   

Spring Day 4

Again, holding up pretty well (unanswered emails aside, I swear I'll get to them tomorrow). Big fun of the day was one of the other TAs accidentally curving our last assignment so that the average was 60%. Except that there were enough 100% submissions (we graded too kindly) which the computer wouldn't change, which meant that even if you got like a 99 it would show up as something like a 40%. Of course, there was no way to reverse this (despite the program saving the grading history!) so we had to go back and manually change each grade back to what it was supposed to be, all while answering e-mails about why the grades were wrong. Really glad I made detailed comments about why I gave each grade I did, since looking up the grading history for each individual student is a pain. Also had to answer a bunch of emails from students asking for me to regrade their assignments or for explanations for why they got what they got (see the detailed comment I made!). The answer is "all grades are final" for everyone but I did flat out tell one student that her offer to redo the assignment would be a huge waste of everyone's time since she was arguing over 7 percentage points, literally less than half a percent of the final grade. Between all of that, played games at English Corner (our weekly English practice sessions with some of the grad students who want to improve on that regard).

I read like 120 pages of Paradise Reclaimed last night and will probably finish it today. Then you will get a book review because why not. This is a hobbyist blog after all, not just a public diary and a therapy session. I just don't have hobbies other than self-therapy right now. And writing down my thoughts I guess. Still thinking about Fishing for Birds, not sure when I will get around to writing lyrics for it (again).

Oh, I listened to Camping in Alaska's please be nice again, like I do all the time (it along with Moenie and Kitchi by Gregory and the Hawk are two of my favorite short albums to revist and just listen to all the way through. Both are very comforting and I like the sincerity that bleeds through them). Though Dragon Ball Z Budokai Tenkaichi 4 tends to be my favorite and is truly the climax of the album, c u in da ballpit hit different today. 

It's funny thinking about how much the band hates please be nice. I mean yeah it's poorly recorded and cringe, but they were like 17 when they released it. It shouldn't be good but it's still part of the growing process. And like I get it. Dead Ponies in the Rain is also poorly recorded cringe (much more so than please be nice) that I released when I was 17. I dislike a lot of it and very very very rarely listen to it (not that anyone should enjoy it per se). Even as I was finishing it there's a lot of directions I wanted to move in and away from what I was doing (Hence the first song on Fishing for Birds, which is We hate our fans and all we want is your money, a song about about everyone wants me to do songs like Dead Ponies in the Rain but I want to do other stuff, while staying experimental of course). And there's other directions I want to move in for Doctrines of Annihilation, far from where Fishing for Birds is now. But there were some good ideas on there and I can occasionally see what could be brilliance in a competent musician's hand. It's okay to laugh about your past cringe.

On Stewardship

Short post (am I losing my drive?).

 Stewardship is an interesting thing and really something that should be brought beyond the specific contexts it does (religion and the environment). There's all sorts of things that are not ours and yet we are responsible for them. Protecting them, helping them grow and so forth. It's a good way of framing our responsibilities and remember the importance of the work we are doing.

I write about this because the other day I mentioned that my students are my stewardship. Which isn't a normal way of thinking about being a TA but maybe academia would suck a little less if we did think about it this way. For this semester, I'm in charge of helping this set of students have what they need so that they can learn about this topic. The university has entrusted me with these students and they (can choose to) trust me. I may not be responsible for their success but I am responsible for giving them the tools they need to succeed.

Do my students frustrate me? Yes, absolutely. Undergrads are undergrads and as annoying as I was as an undergrad, undergrads here are going to be worse because they're on average younger and less experienced with the world. Are they awful writers who ask dumb questions answered in the syllabus, assignment prompts or lecture? Yep. Would it be nice if they cared about their grades while doing work and not after I've already graded? Definitely.

But they're my students. I do want them to succeed because why wouldn't I? Even the annoying ones don't deserve to do poorly in life. They have lives ahead of them and while this class may not count for much, it's what's in their lives right now.

By framing their learning in this class as my stewardship, I'm putting more emphasis on my responsibility to help them. And hopefully that trickles down a bit, while helping me be more patient, caring and able to see how I can serve them.

This is really disjointed even for a ramble but whatever

Spring Day 3

 I've been doing pretty good at my goal of journaling at least. What is this, 10 days? Practically a habit.

After my breakdown last night, I felt better today (still haven't answered those emails though. They're anxiety causing I guess). Still a bit down but my otherwise morbidly jolly self. After class spent like 2 hours chewing fat with coworkers, which was nice. Cat's out the bag about the question, or at least the bag is now a known entity. Worked on my presentation just to learn it is now due next Monday. Well, I got a rough draft submitted. IO was incredibly boring (macro IO just isn't my thing). Wrote "On Birds" and then went to the climbing gym. Climbed hard and exhausted myself pretty quickly so I went home and wrote this. Gonna read more Paradise Reclaimed. 

Listened to Hobo Johnson today. He's released quite a bit since I lasted listened to him (which must've been a while ago since he's also been on hiatus until recently). Big fan of his work. And while I'm not sure I like peach scones, I sure do like mormon ones.

On Birds

One hobby that I didn't mention in "On Hobbies" is birdwatching. I love birds and I love watching them. But why? Well I think that's a story worth telling. 

Like many a child, I really liked dinosaurs. Had lots of dinosaur books, knew those dinosaur facts. Great stuff, dinosaurs are (my current favorite is Therizinosaurus, which I do not remember from my big books but is absolutely S tier). Back in those days, dinosaurs didn't have feathers. It was one of those things that might be talked about, hypothesized even but it surely wasn't a common depiction. I still remember listening to Science Friday (with Ira Flatow) on NPR one day while being picked up from elementary school and the discussion topic was the discovery of evidence that some dinosaurs had feathers. At least I think that's what this was about. I don't actually know if this memory is true, but that's memories for you.

Birds are dinosaurs, so that's pretty cool. Feathered ones too and feathers are pretty. I've liked birds for a long time. They're fun to look at; they're fun to watch. I've been blessed to live in places with some pretty cool birds, something I really didn't appreciate until much later. But even back then, I did like seeing papagaio in our trees. I appreciated the burrowing owls at the church even if they didn't appreciate me. It was never nice to be chased by the mean birds (quero-quero, it was only much later I learned their english name is the Southern Lapwing) but they were a part of my life too. Traveling outside the city, I'd occasionally see toucans and caracara, even rhea. Never going out my way to see birds but certainly enjoying them. I never really knew the birds of Indonesia, unfortunately. I saw some big bats though.

It was Ethiopia were I really got into birdwatching. My time in Ethiopia really sucked. I was isolated and trapped (even setting aside the whole "no leaving the city" rule imposed by the government). My job sucked (when I had a job). Was still getting over being dear john'd. Internet was intermittent at best. Like I said, not a great time in my life. But you know what Ethiopia has? Great birds. I loved seeing bee-eaters and sunbirds and even hawks outside the many many windows of that castle. Vultures waiting at the abattoir on the way to church. Mousebirds at the school (I think at least). So, so so many birds. 

In October, we went on vacation to South Africa, which was great. My brother and I decided we'd try to see (and identify) as many different birds as we could. South Africa was where I discovered the hoopoe (such a great bird), purple crested turacos (I spent so long trying to figure out what the beautiful bird with red wings was...we didn't have internet most of the time while in South Africa) and just a bunch of awesome birds. I was hooked.

I've done better since my Ethiopia days. I've done worse since my Ethiopia days. No matter how I am feeling, birdwatching has been an excuse to spend my time clearing my mind and forgetting myself. To be in nature. To appreciate what's around me, for as little or as long as it will be. Sometimes I go for the challenge of seeing something new. Recording what I see but usually...

I'm a bird appreciator. Many of my favorite bird moments haven't come from trying to find birds but simply being at the right place at the right time. Seeing my first loon on one of the lakes here. Coming across a snowy owl while riding home from the climbing gym. Seeing a kingfisher diving on my way home from work. Coming across a flock of eagles on the Provo river. Watching cranes dance. Getting divebombed by a hummingbird. Hearing the redwing blackbirds, a sign that winter is coming to an end and spring is nigh.

To me, birds are freedom. The fly where they want. The birds don't care about my problems; they got tons of their own. They're a reminder that as much as the world may be weighing me down, there's just so much more out there. Birds are the interplay of constancy and change. The birds are ouroboros. They may fly away for months at a time, but they'll be back. Maybe different birds, but they'll be back all the same. Things change, life grinds on but there will always be birds.  

Birds are inspiration. Their colors, their songs, their dances, their feathers. The birds aren't for us and yet they can drive us to do more. One Halloween (this year? I might have time) I'll start...and finish my superb bird-of-paradise + plague doctor costume. One day I'll get mix my synths right to be like a redwing black bird. Birds make me want to not just consume, but to create. To be more than I am right now.  

I love birds.

A rude question

Doing "On Birds" tomorrow because that one is really dear to me and I might need the pick me up.

I have a coworker with less than stellar social skills. Even by the low standards of academia. One question he likes to ask is "Why aren't you married yet?" This of course is an incredibly rude question. But you know what, he's right in a way. There is a bit of deepness to it and I think it's worth answering. I'm 28, so I've been eligible for quite a while. I'm decently attractive, I'm funny and witty, I'm wickedly smart. I'm a good cook, fairly handy around the house, when I choose to care I do. I may not be rich, but I'm fairly well off given that I'm a grad student and I have a high earning potential (with or without a doctorate tbh). Without context (and especially knowing my religion) it is kind of hard to believe that I'm not married, or at least close to it. It practically begs the question of why. In no particular order (or maybe there is)

Spring Day 2

I thought I was doing alright. In fact I was doing alright until this evening. Then my world came crashing down once again. 

Got up, daydreamed a bit (a lot; they were way too optimistic but whatever. If only life were so sweet), showered and looked at what was wrong with the tires. Big ol' pinch flats (as I expected) so I went to Walmart to pick two new inner tubes and do some shopping. Grapes were on sale, which was nice. It was a warm and beautiful day so it was nice to be out. Got home, fixed the tires, took the bike out the boardwalk to enjoy the day and look at the birds. Lots of killdeer out today. 

Got home, ate dinner, started to work on my assignment for tomorrow (about my proposal) and all the dark feelings came crashing back. I started crying and just couldn't do it so I went up to play video games for a bit. Came back down an hour later to try again and couldn't get very far before I had to stop again because of how overwhelmed I felt. With a bunch of cry breaks, I eventually finished the assignment (with a fair amount of snark about how I need to rework everything from the beginning). It's not my proudest work but at least I'm done.

I want to quit so bad. I know I shouldn't. I know I'm being irrational. But I hate doing this so much. I love research. I like solving problems. I just can't solve my own. I think I'm also feeling really isolated from the part of the work I'm passionate about. You'll get more on this in "On Zion" but I do development economics because I want to help people create better lives for themselves. My research right now, while it has some intellectually interesting parts (thinking about intergenerational information transfers and the like) ultimately is pretty far removed, especially in the state that it is in right now. So it's hard to care when I want to be out in the field, tangibly making people's lives better. 

 I came up with a list of 4 reasons why I shouldn't quit. 

1. I don't have a back-up plan. This is a fair reason. As long as I am here, the department will waste a small amount of money on me. Of course, the longer I'm here, the more I am missing out on real experience and real money. And I've picked up and left everything before. I can just go to Utah for a couple months to get back on my feet and go find a nice data analytics job. Will it be the life I wanted? Nope but it will be a perfectly fine life.
   
2. I'll miss the birds, especially the cranes and loons. This is a dumb reason. It's not like I don't miss the quail, the magpies, the hummingbirds in Utah. But I do like my commute (other than the hill). Sure it's long, but it's pretty. I see all sorts of birds and other animals every day. I genuinely like this city, even with the winter. I'd miss it
3. I'll miss the people. I really like my coworkers. I really like the ward. I know that in theory it's easy to stay in contact with people but I know I won't. Not well at least. So I'm not ready to leave them yet. Plus I still have my question unanswered (not that one, the other one. That one is point four).
4. I don't think I've done what I'm supposed to yet. Yes I did the thing and it was wonderful but I don't think that's why I am meant to be in this city. Maybe it's related to the other question, maybe it isn't. Whatever it is, I've promised to stick around until I complete my purpose. It's annoying but that's the real reason I can't quit. Not yet. Doesn't help that when I was doing the thing, I was specifically reminded of this by the person who would've had no idea about this question. 

On a side note, it's been almost exactly 10 years since I've felt like this (minus the depression but also sort of kinda yeah?). It's even more absurd this time and not what I need right now. Unless it is.  

I need to throw together a presentation for tomorrow evening but I might just do it in the afternoon because it's late and I still feel terrible. I think I'll write either "A rude question" or "On Birds" though. I like writing.

Spring Day 1

 Didn't get much work done today (except reading a paper) but I did train another TA in my grading style. No one showed up to office hours of course. The weather was quite nice and I got a book from the library (more on that after I finish it). Learned that the university bike center does not have the tools I need (impact screwdriver + 8mm hex bit). Continued to ignore important emails. Class ended up cancelled (not just cut in half), so I was all ready to get to FHE on time. Went speeding over the train tracks and bam! double flat. Carried my bike a mile and a half on my shoulders to the church. Was 25 minutes late for FHE. Built a first aid kit. Regaled the missionaries with talk about fixers, bombs and the many many weird people I met in Indonesia. Went home (got a ride masyallah) and looked at the issue with the bike I was using (other double flats). Didn't see where the flats actually happened (I thought it was at the valves but maybe not?) so I guess I'll figure that out in the morning. Worst comes to worst, that's two inner tubes I need to pick up (not sure about the size though. 32mm is the thickness but I don't know the diameter). Went upstairs to fix my other bike. Still can't get the pedals or crankshaft off (I really do need an impact driver) but I did replace the cassette (after some effort getting if off). I think I over torqued the new one so ooops. Once I get the crank off though, replacing it will be easy and then I'm done. 

 Felt pretty good overall today. I was even pretty chipper when I got those flats. Shoulders hurt a ton though. Tomorrow is technically my day off, but it looks like it will be busy with repairing those flats and of course the work I have due Wednesday. 

 Future posts I've been thinking about doing

•  A rude question
• On Grading
• On Zion
• On Birds  
  

Spring Break Day 7

 And so it ends.

Today was pretty good actually. Got up and figured out that I still can't fix my bike. The bolts I need to remove seem to have corroded shut and I can't get them to budge even with WD-40. So I guess I'll get a cheap impact driver and some allen bits to fix that up (or see if the campus bicycle center has some. That might be a good errand to run. Annoying to pull off those). I really don't want to cut anything if I can avoid it, since I didn't get a replacement bottom bracket. 

Took my bike to church today so I could stay for choir afterwards (the choir is seriously in need of male voices and I guess I can help). Kinda cold on the way there but the way back was quite nice. Actually participated in sunday school. A lot. I guess I had things to say. Probably should have spoken less; I can command a room pretty easily when I want to but I don't necessarily like doing that (well, I do but I shouldn't). Especially since most people aren't used to econ seminar style discussed, where interrupt whenever you want and can do that because everyone is so strong willed. Came home at second lunch (or I guess lunch since 10:30 is kinda early for first lunch), played vidya and talked with a friend. Played more vidya, participated in a short family call, ate dinner. Wrote this. I've been avoiding my work email all weekend so can't wait for that tomorrow.

Someone at church asked how I was doing. I said I was doing okay and she replied that I didn't sound it and to feel free to reach out if needed. I really appreciated that, but weirdly enough today is the first day in a while where I've truly felt okay. Good even. Certainly the best I've felt in over a month and if I'm gonna be honest, probably 90th percentile for the past six months at least (last semester sucked too, but for slightly different reasons than this semester). Even Christmas time was very stressful for me (so many people and I felt trapped on account that I basically was between geography and weather).  

Spring Break Day 6

 Is it really spring break if it's the weekend? Anyway, yet another diary post.

Got up and decided to go climbing. Was very cold and windy, with that snow that stings but doesn't stick. Got to the gym and learned this was the one Saturday morning when it wasn't empty. Wasn't looking forward to waiting so I powered through a bunch of V1-V3s (probably closer to V2 at the hardest, I'm not great at this) and burn myself out in 45 minutes. Probably could've gone on longer but I really wasn't feeling it. Then took the very long path home (commuter path to arboretum to the other lake and under the highway rather than over); updated my facebook profile pic while in the arboretum. It was still very cold but since the snow wasn't sticking at least I didn't have to deal with slipping. At lunch, wrote a song and then blogged about it. Played vidya. Since I'm truly in my early Kierkegaard period, I wrote some more. Avoided looking at my work email.

I'm feeling quite a bit better, so I'm really hoping this episode is over. Over a month was long enough, thank you very much. My appetite continues to come back; I had an extra large lunch because of it. 

My CV remains unupdated and my main bike continues to be broken. Really gotta fix that tomorrow (even though I'm coming home late probably).

On Hobbies

The other thing I was thinking about while climbing and biking today was about why I have the hobbies I do. Which is a weird thing to think about, except when doing hobbies I guess. Which is what I was doing. Honestly "What hobbies do you have?" is one of the icebreaker questions I hate, which might more sense as this post evolves. I generally just mumble something about biking and climbing and then move on from the topic.

There's many reasons people have hobbies. To have fun. To meet people. Sure this applies to me too, to some extent. I do enjoy climbing and conlanging and writing and the like (not sure if I enjoy biking but I guess revealed preferences say I do. I prefer it to other forms of exercise at least). And I guess I meet people climbing and spend time with them. But is that really why I have the hobbies I do?

I have hobbies because I want to improve myself. I climb and bike and cross country ski because these are way. Climbing is strength training (for my forearms at least) in a much less boring way than lifting weights. Biking and skiing are more enjoyable cardio than running. I enjoy these and they (theoretically) make me healthier and stronger. Hopefully when I express in writing or music I find ways to work through those feelings and overcome them or at least get help. Creating a world requires me to understand the world and learn. Learn about things I might not otherwise. People ask why I know so much. I don't, I just read a lot (of wikipedia).

I have hobbies because I want a refuge of control in my life. I hate feeling like I don't have control over my own life. That's why I'm fiercely independent when it comes to transportation. It's not because I don't appreciate rides but I like having the freedom of movement for myself. Control for when I come and go. When my life is going bad, I sink myself into my hobbies (see: this past month) because at least I have some control there. A world I construct is one that I can guide into what I want it to be. I choose how long I travel and where I go. I choose what problems to work on. I choose what my instruments sound like and how they come together. I am an arranger, nay a creator in my own little space. Beyond returning to me a sense of control, my hobbies can also distract me from my thoughts. That's why this blog exists, basically. 2017, especially early 2017 was a really hard time for me so I buried myself in conlanging here and on reddit.

And yet, I have hobbies to explore the world and maybe even commune, for mere moments, with the divine. There's nothing like a quiet bike or ski trip to clear my head while enjoying nature. Or finding just the right words or right combination of sounds to sort of bring what's in my head into the world. Even something like conlanging has a discovery process. Things just click and feel right for what I'm working on. It's almost mystical in a sense, like I am uncovering esoteric knowledge rather than creating it. I remember one time on my mission, on a p-day or a little before bed (I don't remember) when it came to me that I could use reduplication for all sorts of things. It was a transcendental experience.

I have hobbies for myself and no one else. That's why I write about random topics on a blog no one reads. That's why I make music no one listens to (and I'd be kinda scared if people did listen to it). That's why I partake in the secret vice (truly the loneliest of hobbies, conlanging is). These hobbies work for me and I don't particularly like sharing them. I climb not to hang out with people, but because I like it for myself. I'll go on all sorts of ski trips or bike rides alone because they are for me. I play to no one and I like it that way. That's why I hate the hobby question (also because explaining conlanging is rarely worth the effort. "Oh you make languages? Why?").

I don't excel in many things. I'm a mediocre climber. I bike and ski slowly. My conlangs are far from award winning (though I should have gotten an award for being one of the better trolls on r/conlangs). My writing is sloppy. My music helped inspire a tumblr dedicated to bad music (one of my proudest moments, really). And I don't care because this is for me.

On Liminality

In the strictest sense, liminality refers to the state that you are in during rituals that move you from one state to the next. Or something like that, I'm not an anthropologist. In the modern world, few people encounter many of these rituals. They of course still exist (or at least in a close enough sense). Take the rituals of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (hence called Mormon because I don't have time for political correctness and you all know what I mean). I can think of two that might qualify: baptism-confirmation (the movement between outsider to member), initiatories-endowment (movement from the lower law to a higher law). I thought that sealings may count but on second thought, probably not. There's not really a point when you lose your old status. Honestly even the endowment might be stretching the definition but whatever. And yet, the actual time spent in a liminal state for each ritual is small. A child might spend mere minutes between baptism and confirmation; an adult maybe a day to a week. From initiatory to endowment (or even just from the beginning of the endowment to the end? The end of initiatory to the beginning of the endowment?) is a couple of hours. That's not a long time, since these rites of passage, these rituals are not all consuming.

But liminality in the strict sense isn't what I want to talk about. There's all sorts of times in life, in my own life for sure, where people, like myself, sit in between states, at loss of an identity. In "popular" culture there's a lot of talk about "liminal spaces" such as hallways, airports and train stations where everyone is in transit. The gaps between our destinations. They fascinate certain segments of the internet. But that's not what I mean. I'm talking about certain life stages that people may or may not reach. Aspects of progression wanted (or demanded) by culture and existing between them. It's a subjective liminality, nested liminality, relative liminality. 

Here's an example from my own life. I finished exams in early May, but graduation wasn't until the end of the month. For a few weeks, I existed in this sort of liminality. I was neither student (nothing to study for, no obligation to go to classes etc) and yet I had not yet crossed the threshold to become a graduate. I was nothing (and it felt good, fwiw).

Another example. I will finish my last class in about 6 weeks (give or take). At that point, I will not really be a phd student. However, I don't become a dissertation until I complete the arcane ritual that is the proposal defense (or quit, that's the other way to escape the liminality). Stuck in the middle, neither student nor researcher.

Singles wards are something of a liminal space (especially at universities but I digress). Composed of people who are not children (in fact, from most points of views are adults) and yet not fully entered into adult society. There's a constant churn, people moving in and out, people marrying, even people divorcing. Of course, no one is forced to go to the singles ward but even outside of it they'll always still be in that state. In this sense, the singles ward isn't the cause of the liminal state and the discomfort that comes from being in it. Rather, it is a refuge for those in liminality, those trying to find their way out of it. A place for rituals of the liminal to escape the liminal. Or not.

Life is a liminal space, from an eternal perspective. At some point we begin the ritual of exaltation by coming to Earth. With that comes the stripping away of our divine identity; the veil makes us forget all. We become nothing but the dust of the Earth. We exist in this space but eventually get our memories, our identities back. Some find it sooner than others. Some never complete the ritual. But we all exist in this space for the time being.

Death is a liminal space. Lincoln in the Bardo was a weird book that I only like 3/4 listened to but it does do some interesting things with the idea of death being a liminal space. That being said, from a Mormon perspective death is still a liminal space. You've lost your body and all the good (and bad that comes with that). In prison or paradise, you're stuck until the resurrection. Unable to fully move forward.

Liminal spaces are in liminal spaces. I've existed in liminality for 10 years, mostly but not entirely as a consequence of my choices. I could have tried harder to advance, to cross the threshold, but maybe I've been too comfortable. Maybe it simply wasn't time yet. So I've waited, I don't know for what. And waited. Stood around and waited more. Looked the threshold in the eye and then turned around (and what a good thing that was!). Waited more. Watched others cross, some quickly and some slower. Some had been there before me, some long after. Waiting and watching and waiting and watching and waiting but never crossing and rarely making movement to. Almost more a guard than a participant (or a prisoner?)

Putting all that aside, thinking about this earlier inspired a new song. i stared across the liminoid abyss but made no eye contact. I was thinking about this idea about life being a liminal space but also being full of liminal spaces. More specifically, I was thinking about thresholds we choose to cross (or not). Train stations are sort of the prototypical liminal space (and give more choice than an airport) so I decided to use waiting for a train as a metaphor here. Or more specifically, tell the story of someone waiting for a train but being unsure if they wanted to get on it. Wrote the lyrics pretty quickly and they sounded sort of morbid so I decided to give the song a ridiculously emo title (which of course has meaning on multiple levels). Of course, I had to sample "mind the gap" because it's an iconic subway feature but also because a liminal space is literally a gap and the song is about someone minding that gap, instead of crossing it.

At first I was unsure if I wanted to include this on Fishing for Birds or leave it for Doctrines of Annihilation. Doctrines of Annihilation is meant to be an album about (among other things) depression after all. But it's also about salvation and healing which isn't really whats going on in this song. Fishing for Birds doesn't have an explicit theme but looking back at the songs that have made it on, it does have this underlying idea of growing up, of moving on, of change and how some people change faster than others (and some don't change at all). In a way, the whole album is about liminality. So this song makes a lot of sense for it after all. And at this point, I really just need to finish two more songs to call it done, which is nice.

Spring Break Day 5

 So I finished up grading today (I have an unusually large number of students who's last names start with Z). Could've done it faster but I really wasn't feeling it. Too anxious? Too tired? Too done? Overall, I'd say I don't feel as good as yesterday, though still much better than say last Saturday. My appetite sort of came back though? Maybe because I've dropped a bit too much weight in the past week and really need to get that up a bit more.

Anyway, I pretty much just graded papers and went through best case and worse case scenarios before doing nothing at all. Came home, ate dinner and played some extremely frustrating rounds of smash. First time I've played video games in a while, which I guess is another point against team anhedonia. I'll beat you yet. Did not finish my CV. Did not fix my bike (I really need to do that tomorrow, next week is rainy and the spare doesn't have mud flaps). 

Got an email saying that my Monday night class will be split across two days for the next two weeks. I don't want to celebrate too much because the reason is pretty unfortunate, but I did shed a tear of joy when I realized I'd be able to go to FHE again for two weeks. I guess I didn't realize how much that was affecting me. What a sap I am. Pine sap maybe, sticky and annoying.

Speaking of pines...

Rōgbad ūsiwl afāx mā. Mōnak yūyibth yōyup-yōyōp ūmpa faūtiúj "Yān ūmicph ūsiwl afāx mā". Mōnak ūhikn lāsaxiwlaī mā. Ziūjinkuc nātaríuy rōgbad? Ūbifw ōza saxiwlaī mā ūmpa bfowiw; mocīpmā swilaíuy rōgbad mōnak jinkaī mā.

I just don't want to make the same mistakes I made almost exactly 10 years ago, but I don't trust myself. (That emphasis was entirely unintentional but I'm keeping it because it works quite well)

As a complete side note, the idea of some hypothetical reader coming in and being confused by these sentences really amuses me. Like what could be so secret, so personal that I won't openly share it on this blog, a blog where I am very open about all sorts of sordid things. The fact I drop hints just makes it worse (but funnier to me).  

1: Not sure if that's the right word to use here but whatever

2: I went back on forth on a couple causative but yes, I think in the end this one has exactly the implication I want 

3: My hatred of interrogative pronouns is gonna be the death of me 

4: Pretty happy about this coinage

Spring Break Day 4

So I've been feeling a lot better today. Still anxious (and I'm working on that/building up courage related to that) but not so depressed. We'll see what tomorrow holds. 

Anyway actually made it out of the house at 9 to go on a bike ride (I wanted to beat the rain). Spent a bit over an hour on that, came home and did laundry/lazed around a bit. Spent much of the afternoon talking to Jason (who was bored at work and also trying to get me to do something about aforementioned anxiety) and working on music. I still can't get Fishing for Birds right. I think I'm going back to an older take, but I will probably keep the motorik beat I was working on. Lyrically, I think the direction I want to take is an interplay between two singers: one describing the birds (they are a metaphor) and one describing the fish (also a metaphor). I did publish a song though. I found this old one-take piano piece I had recorded at some point (no idea when). There were already some slogans attached. So I mixed it a little bit and published it as another track to Fishing for Birds (the album, not the song). It actually fits in with the general theming of the album pretty well. It's intense and an unusual way of delivering a sort of punky, sort of anarchist message. It's almost like a bizarro version of Press Gang. Not to mention that basically everything on the album is experimental, except maybe Freedom Fighterand Grassroots Idealism. At this point I just need to finish Counting Sheeple and the title track and that album should be pretty near done.

Then I did more grading.

Spring Break Day 3

 I did not read Sickness Unto Death last night. Or today for that matter. I also didn't fix up my CV. I did manage to pull myself out of bed and go to the office to grade. I hate grading so much that you'll probably be seeing an On Grading post soon. My only pleasure is knowing that the students hate it as much as I do. Anyway after 4 hours of grading my brain was completely fried so I took a walk. I've never actually walked the area around my office so that was cool. Found a botanical garden like 3 blocks away that I had no clue about, despite being here for 2.5 years. Walked alongside the lake for a while and also tromped through the (wet and muddy) woods. So that was nice. Oh and I went up to the observatory. 

Aksīta yān wildasā lōbopāb ojūmah-ajumaíahat. Ūtiúj gundāy Wyīúu. Īn túuja āgfāt umladū. Yān gaxitpa. 

 Then I went back to my office to grade except I wrote this instead.

A brief to do list for my blog and myself:

 

• Update CV
• Finish grading
• Get data
• Respond to model questions
• Do that untranslatable words post I've been talking about for years
• Maybe write out my personal journey to where I am today (long term goal tbh)
• Figure out those songs?!?
   

Spring Break Day 2

Continuing these posts because it's a big week and the closest I'll get to keeping a journal anyway (just like how that one really angsty letter I wrote in 2017 used the idea of letterwriting as a framing device to cover what was going on in my day and the thoughts about it. No you can't see the letter).

I did get the letter sent off. Took a lot longer than I thought, not just because writing in Indonesian is hard and I wanted it to be perfect, but also because I get anxious about this sort of thing. There's no going back after you hit send and by doing so, I closed off infinite possibilities. That's angst for ya.

After that, I went on a bike ride. Turned around about half way because there was construction and I didn't want to bother going around it. Still probably did somewhere between 12 and 14 miles, which is okay. Then I moped around a bit more, took a long time to eat dinner and decided that I'm gonna try to get through Sickness Unto Death. Or at least start it since it is a notoriously dense book. A lot of my Kierkegaard study up to this point has been things from books like Fear and Trembling and Either/Or but the concept relating despair, authenticity, sin and faith is intriguing to me, especially right now. Maybe I'll blog about it later.

Tomorrow is a lot of grading and some other stuff, so we'll see how it goes. I need to update my CV too. 

On Labels

It took me a long time to realize that I have some sort of mental health problem (probably multiple sorts). The reason was that sure I felt anxious or sad much of the time. I knew that my dislike of social interactions wasn't (isn't) normal. I knew that most people aren't as moody, as difficult, as surly as I am.

But I didn't accept those labels, or rather apply them to myself because I didn't see myself as fitting close enough to the stereotypes (remember this is supposedly to be a conlanging blog so I was using that group as a reference). Sure I got sad, seemingly for no reason but not so debilitatingly as others. Even at my worse, I might only lying in bed for hours, not days. I have the control to do things I don't want to do like shower and go to class and eat. Clearly not depressed. Plus I do respond to positive stimuli, laugh and smile plenty (even in pretty depressive moods), mostly keep up my humor and so on. On the anxiety side, well yeah I get weird talking to people and push them away (especially if I like them as a friend or otherwise). But I like public speaking, hold myself well in groups and do genuinely enjoy the company of other people (in moderation of course). So clearly not actually anxious.

Building off that, feedback from other people also led to me feeling an imposter of sorts. I get a fair amount of praise from people about how I don't seem to care about others' opinions about me and one friend (when I opened up about some of my anxieties) even told me they had trouble believing it because of said nonchalance. Some of that is due to my general nonconformity but a good portion is actually because I do care a lot, so I pretend I don't to try (and fail) to trick myself. Or how I get praised for being somewhat jolly and being helpful, things not exactly associated with depression. So clearly those labels didn't apply.

Now to get to the actual title of this post. The labels don't matter. Whether or not I fit all the criteria for depression or dysthymia or cyclothymia or anxiety or whatever isn't important. What is important is the qualitatively, I feel bad. Maybe not as bad as other people but that doesn't matter. My own experiences are what matter for me. They influence my choices, my desires, my actions, my life. Labels neither define nor negate me. They're simply there. What's important is understanding what they are meant to signify. And that's what I've finally been able to do these past few months.

Spring Break Day 1

So I ended up skiing for 4+ hours today. I wasn't going fast or anything, just thinking a lot and I lost track of time. Ended up getting sunburned too, because of course I did.

Anyway I went through a whole bunch of hypothetical situations in my head, ranging from "really probably not happening" to "never happening lol". That's normal of course; it's just what I do. What is more interesting is that these were fairly positive, when normally I am very negative about myself, my future and how people might treat me. I came to a lot of realizations about myself and my situation.

What's more impressive though is that for the first time in a while, I felt I could change things. I was visualizing ways of fixing some problem or some of the burdens that have been . I felt a desire to be apologetic and try to right some of my many wrongs. Overall, I feel like I've actually been experiencing a mighty change of heart.

Even stranger? I've started acting on them. I've felt guilty about being a bad minister for a long time and today I actually reached to some of them so that they'd at least know who I am (not to all of them yet though. There's one who I'm afraid I might have offended last week and so I want to make sure my apology is good. Maybe I'll see if I can catch them after sacrament on Sunday and then re-evaluate from there. I was thinking about the internships I haven't applied for and started writing (in my head of course) the emails I need to send, with every intent of actually doing that tomorrow. I would've done it today if I hadn't gotten home so late (4+ hours of skiing, plus packing and unpacking my bike, plus travel times plus a quick trip to Walmart to grab somethings I forgot to get on Saturday) and the wifi had been working when I got home.

I'm still depressed, there's no doubt about that. I'm still anhedonic (especially wrt food; which makes dieting easier but also emphasizes my anhedonia since I love food). But my mood is getting a little better, at least temporarily. I'm still no closer to knowing why I'm here. But I'm becoming a bit more accepting of that; accepting that I just need to be ready to do what God wants me to do. I still hate a lot about the situation I'm in. But I'm remember that it's okay to be unhappy and that being unhappy and hating my life doesn't need to mean that I hate myself or make things difficult for myself because I feel like that's what I deserve. Most importantly, it doesn't mean I need to drag down others with me.

So yeah, oddly productive day even though I basically spent most of it skiing.

I did it

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An existential question (or not)

Sad posting again already because apparently I was just in the eye of the storm and had a mini breakdown in the shower, followed by actually crying while writing this. (Also the skiing conditions were absolutely miserable yesterday though I'm glad I went. Did dampen my enthusiasm for going out this morning though).

"Why am I here?" is one of the most common existential questions. We humans crave having meaning to what we do and that meaning can come from a lot of different sources. We need to decide what the answer is for ourselves, since our experience of the world is what drives our actions, independent of any objective actual truth.

That's not what I mean by this question though. I mean quite literally "Why am I here, in this city, in this program?" When people ask me why I chose to be here, I dance around the question. I'll say things like "there were professors I wanted to work with" or "It's a good program" or even "It felt right" without explanation. But those are non-answers since they don't address why I chose this program over others (more specifically a well regarded California program). I don't talk about that, even with members, because it's a deeply personal, even spiritual experience (in fact, I consider it one of my anchor points for why I stay). Those outside the faith couldn't understand. Those inside can understand, but may also understand why I hate sharing these sorts of things.

But I'm going to talk about it now because it is important for the question I posed earlier. I think it was back in early 2018 when my current institution first came on my radar. I was looking at potential masters programs across a variety of fields and learned said institution was highly rated in a certain field (not my current field of studies). Nothing came of that, but it did plant seeds in my mind. Fast forward to spring of 2019 when a recruiter for a local tech company reached out to me. I wasn't interested in it (and later learned I really dodged a bullet) but yet more seeds were planted. In late 2019, when I decided that I would go to grad school, I remembered that masters program I looked at years before and saw how my current program was rated and decided I'd apply for phd programs along with a couple masters programs as back up (lol). I finished my application here the day before it was due, well after the priority deadline and got an acceptance letter back very quickly after that. But that's not the personal part. The main rival school on paper was a better fit. Slightly higher ranking and better placements. Professors more closely aligned with my interests. Closer to family. Better weather. More opportunities for field work and for studying the things I wanted to study (like the intersection between agriculture and development). But when I attended this school's grad day zoom call (thanks Covid) I strongly and repeatedly felt that I should go here. Looking back at my notes, I have things like "felt an impression here" and lots of circles, underlines and exclamation points. I didn't know why (I thought it might've been about working with certain professors or centers here but now I don't think that's the case, more on that later) but for once in my life I decided to actually act on them. I decided to come here and it felt right then even though no rational person should have made this choice.

So here I am, almost 3 years after that day and over 2.5 since I moved here (by September, it will be the longest I've lived in one place since middle school, some 14 years). I'm miserable. Despite at one point being my cohort's star (and honestly, probably still am at least for dev) I feel abandoned by the department. One professor I was planning on working with suddenly retired, another one doesn't want to advise me despite everyone else thinking we should work together (and to be fair our interests have diverged in the last 3 years anyway). I can't put together workable research project, let alone one that someone is willing to sponsor or advise on. It's been 4 years since I've left the country and I feel trapped. 

And yet, despite so desperately wanting to just quit I still keep getting that feeling that I'm still supposed to be here. Such a strong feeling. For a long time I thought it was for my intellectual benefit but as outlined above, I now don't think that's the case. So I have no idea why I'm here and it's driving me crazy. I'm so tired of not knowing.

I finally got around to watching Your Name the other week (a birthday present to myself). I loved it. Anyway, I'm thinking of it now. Not the soulmates stuff (since that's bull) but the idea of going through our life feeling like you're looking for something but not knowing what it is. A person? A place? A job? The ambiguity is distressing.

Am I here because there's someone I'm supposed to meet (for their edification or mine or both)? Have I already met them but just haven't done what I'm supposed to do? Am I supposed to be here so that someone else comes here and does what they're supposed to do? Is there something I'm supposed to learn here? Something I could only do here? Or would be in the best circumstances to do here? Why does it feel like I've been drawn to this city of all places for years? Why am I here and will this feeling ever go away?

All I have to go on is a line in my patriarchal blessing (for whatever that's worth; I certainly have found comfort in it before but it's definitely filtered through man and man's interpretation). "I bless you to realize that the Lord will place you in circumstances and locations which will be for His purposes which will be an eternal blessing for you." Reading this again today left me crying (second time in one day, I'm a real wreck). I can only assume that me being here has something to do with that but it's not much to go on.

Anyway, I need to get on with my day. Can't just mope.

On ephemerality

I woke up around 6:45 today and after waiting for my 7:00 alarm, I got up and looked outside. My street was a mess and there was like 7 inches of snow on the ground, a lot more than I was expecting. The snow was wet but not too slushy or icy, unlike the last few storms. Meant I didn't go climbing this morning but do plan on skiing this afternoon/tonight.

If there's one thing that living here (which is easy to find out but I won't say it) has taught me, it's to take advantage of the snow. We have cold winters, but not necessarily snowy ones (growing up in Cleveland basically every winter was 60+ at the airport, often getting close to 100" in my area because I lived on the snowy side of the city. Here the winters generally average around 50"). When we do get snow it comes down a lot at once and often doesn't stick around for long, especially for XC skiing. So if I want to ski (and 95% of the time I do), I need to be willing to drop the things I am doing and seize the moment. If I put it off because I am too busy or too tired or too lazy then I'll miss out on one of the things which makes me happy, with no idea when snow will return.

In general, snow is the quintessential ephemeral phenomenon (that's a pretentious phrase right there). Merely touching it causes it to vanish. In fact, light itself will melt snow away, leaving only mud in its wake. I saw it today even, newly fallen snow dripping off sunny roofs as the the temperature crept above the melting point. I just hope there's still enough by this afternoon let alone tomorrow morning (when I plan on skiing again). That's why I grasp at every chance I get.

Life is ephemeral. This isn't something the average person thinks as much about, since from our mortal perspective our life is the exact opposite of transitory and fleeting. It's all we experience after all. Yet it is just a glimpse of the span which is eternity. Our one chance to experience life and that's not something to be wasted. The other way of looking at the ephemerality of life uses insight from game theory. A game with a finite number of periods can be solved backwards. An infinite game can't. Life isn't infinite, and yet we can treat it as such since we don't know what the number of periods will be and thus don't know what point we are working backwards from. In that sense, no matter how long a life is, it is always fleeting because it could disappear. Just like the snow.

 So take time to do the things you want to do because you don't know when you can again. Visit those dumb tourist attractions. Eat good food.      

PS- tagged this as a diary post since it is actually about my day even if it got philosophical. Plus, it's not really a diary post hiding masking a sad post. I want to do more of this in general, to keep a record of myself on the cloud.

A Happy Song (alt: A Song of Hope and Joy)

 Just to prove that I'm not just sadposting and still have some linguistics content, here's a project I've been working on. And by working on, I mean put together in a couple hours this evening, instead of leaving it for next week like I originally planned to. 

So once I finish "Fishing for Birds" my next project is an EP called "Scandals from the Karaoke Booth" which is a bunch of covers. I did the first one/the opener a long time ago, a cover of Sparklehorse's "Chaos of the Galaxy/Happy Man." Which tells you a lot about what this project is like. Most people cover just Happy Man because it's a rocking song. But while it can be played alone, thematically it works best in conjunction with Chaos of the Galaxy. I took this a step further by focusing almost entirely on Chaos of the Galaxy with just hints of Happy Man, making it a cover but very much my own interpretation of it. 

That's not the point though. The next song I've been working on is "Lagu Bahagia" by Sisir Tanah. Now, I can sing this just fine in Indonesian but that doesn't fit the spirit of the album. So I decided to do my own translation of it. This blogpost is about the theory behind that (and will probably make it to reddit at some point). 

 

A piercing question

I was asked a question yesterday which can basically be paraphrased as "Is everything you say a troll?" Conversation was moving too fast to actually answer said question but I have been thinking about it a lot since then. The answer is no, but if the question was "Is everything you say a shitpost?" then it might be yes. But it is easily possible that 85-90% of what I say isn't really a true reflection of my beliefs, but my just saying shit. I'd also so that my level of shitposting is directly proportional with the size of my audience. Catch me one-on-one and I'm a lot more likely to be sincere, honest or forthright (though not entirely of course). Which is probably why I shitpost less on my blog, seeing as I have an audience of none.*

Another, more important dimension of this question is why. Why am I like this? Well, I'm contrarian by nature and so like taking the opposite views as everyone else.** It also factors into my love for a healthy (or toxic) debate. Sophistry is fun. So it's just something I enjoy. However, there's a lot more to it. I think that a decent sized part of it is that I use it as a defense mechanism. Defense against what? Good question.

Part of it is that I'm an extremely private person (he says on a public blog) and by always taking absurd positions, it's harder for others to know my true beliefs, my true feelings, my true opinions. So it acts as a smokescreen of doubt on everyone else. Hopefully so they don't pry but at the very least so they don't know without caring enough to ask. And maybe it's to protect my feelings from people who disagree. After all, they don't know if they are disagreeing with me personally or some absurd position I've taken for the lols. 

And maybe part of it is to hide my true feelings from myself. Is constantly joking about leaving a joke or am I treating it like a joke so that I don't quit my program? No one knows, not even me.

So yeah, I'm a proud shitposter. I'm a long time troll. And that's all fine in moderation.

*It's hilarious how hard it is to find this blog (minus looking at my facebook profile of course...though I just fixed a link I didn't realize was broken. oops, we'll see if I regret this). I can google my name + blogspot and it's easier to find a reference to the time I introduced a band at a random concert in Jakarta than it is to find this blog. I really am yelling into the void. For some SEO I might regret Jacob Bills blog blogspot conlangs Kikxo blogging (I've never done SEO before). 

**Some of my greatest hits include basically all of Šyþed Pyklez (especially "The Donkey Wants to Run" and "Eat Shamu"), the time I argued in a political science class at BYU that all laws about clothing are government oppression (including anti-nudity laws), writing to city council as a kid (for cub scouts?) to complain about us being a nuclear free zone, the time I wrote to a congressman (for scouts) to advocate for not banning/legalizing horse meat, and being Vatican City at MUN and giving a speech about how if this resolution was passed God would set the world on fire. There's a lot more of course and I have mellowed out since high school (apparently) though I still argue for sweatshops when around my leftier friends and against marriage as a government institution with rightier ones.

An update to: Melancholic Bitch (9/2017)

Still making the same joke about this being a band and not a self-description (though it is). Anyway, this post is now wrong. I can get NKKBS Bagian Pertama on bandcamp. Also they've changed their name to Majelis Lidah Berduri, which preserves the MLB theme but is a bit less offensive.