Therefore when Jesus had taken the vinegar, he said, It is ended. And when his head was bowed down, he gave up the ghost. -John 19:30, Wycliffe Bible
Honestly, it's weird that this one is called the word of triumph. But whatever, that's today's theme.
I've lived a pretty good life. Even the last 10 years haven't been all horrible, frequent mental health crises excluded. From the outside looking in, I think it would be easy to declare triumph, or at least being on the path to triumph.
Academically, I'm a beast. I got into university with ease. My test scores weren't the best only because I didn't need to try better. It's not like I studied before them. I had scholarships all 4 years and even after my humbling first semester that ended in me moving down to half scholarship for a bit (BYU has extremely high standards when it comes to giving out money) I managed to get back to full and consistently was one of the top 10 students in my major, all while taking more math and econ courses than the others. I did 8 semesters worth of classes in 2.5 years. I graduated with multiple publications, even if they are outside my current field. Even with the filter of college, things were relatively easy up until grad school and grad school is probably the first time I actually had to study and wasn't the default overall most intelligent person in the room. You know, when I'm sitting in a room of some of the smartest people in the world. I was the first development student in years to pass our qualifying exams with distinction (something I have not told a single person here about, because I don't brag about my accomplishments. Not to an audience at least ;) ). People almost instinctively trust me to just know everything. I don't have my doctorate yet, but there's not question that I've been doing well thus far.
I've traveled the world. Literally circumnavigated the globe. I have stories for days. Stories of my own. Stories that others have shared with me. Stories that I've been invited into. I've been to places and seen things that others dream of. The pyramids of Giza. Stonehenge. Angkor Wat. Dubai. New Zealand. Rio de Janeiro. Done real African safaris and saw all the big five. In one day even. I've driven to the Yukon (and past it). Have I been everywhere yet? Of course not. But I've already had the experiences of a lifetime. Multiple even.
While I may be unmarried, I have had relationships. In fact, I'm charming enough that I somehow managed to convince two different women to ask me out despite that not really being a thing people do (which yes I know is something I can't rely on and need to change. Questions, questions so many questions). And let's not even start on the weirdly large number of gay men who've fallen for me. Even outside of romantic stuff, people seem to like me and my company quite a bit. Probably because I'm witty, laugh a lot and can have a larger than life presence that fills out whatever the social function is. While I maybe have not triumphed yet (is marriage a triumph? More on that in a sec...) I am certainly capable of it. When the time is right. Yeah that's a good excuse.
I came out of a long running faith crisis stronger than ever. I impress people all the time not just with my knowledge of scripture, of doctrine, of the scriptures but with my ability to explain it, to interpret it, to make it relevant, to bring out new insights, to edify and to move others through it. Even when I was at my most spiritually dead, people would turn to me for spiritual advice and I apparently dispensed of wisdom that other people felt the spirit through (which really screwed me up, since that just contributed to my doubts). I still have a lot to learn and need an ever stronger foundation, but like pulling myself out of that 10 year pit was pretty triumphant.
Even mentally, I've done better than one might think given the circumstances. I mean the outsider looking in would barely notice, I had both my depression and anxiety so well. I'm Jacob, who has a sense of humor and smiles a lot and is often out there lifting people up, with an infectious love of life and a passion for the world. And well, I'm still alive and that counts for something. I've bounced back from every depressive episode, usually stronger. Most of the time I don't like my illness stop me from attending social events, from working, from improving myself. I am able to push through until the clouds recede. I haven't been able to declare victory (and likely never will in this life) but each minor victory is just that, a victory.
I know that I am pretty spectacular but I do have the twin demons of depression and anxiety to keep me grounded. The shadow of depression hanging over my eyes, telling me that what I know is wrong. That all of the above is lies and not really that great. The snake of anxiety wrapped around my neck, hissing in my ear that even if I am awesome, no one cares. And they certainly don't think highly enough of me to want to be around me.
I hope to never declare triumph. Not in this life at least. Triumph implies an end. It's a word of completion. I hope to never stop progressing. In knowledge. In experiences. In relationships. In the gospel. In improving my health. In everything else. These aren't things that should be complete. Sure, subevents within them can have endings. But not the broad themes themselves.
When Jesus declared "It is finished", he was declaring his suffering (for the atonement) to be over. Is that really triumph? In a way maybe, but really it is about completion. Completion of the greatest event on earth. And that's not something I can get close to. Nor should I.
All victory and glory is brought to pass unto you through your diligence, faithfullness and prayers of faith. -Doctrine and Covenants 103:36
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