On Rejection

DSM-5 defines atypical depression as a subtype of major depressive disorder that presents with "atypical features", characterized by: ... Long-standing pattern of interpersonal rejection sensitivity (not limited to episodes of mood disturbance) that results in significant social or occupational impairment.

Reading that on wikipedia a few months ago was a key part in realizing that yes, I have depression. I mean that whole article was putting into words what I felt and why I felt like I didn't have "real" depression but seeing that was like "wait a second, that's me. That's that weird part of my anxiety, the reason I didn't recognize that I was socially anxious because it's the only big part of it." 

No one like rejection, but I've always wondered why I so fear rejection. Why I hobble myself so much instead of taking chances that all sorts of people, nerds even, take all the time. No completely, I'm mostly fine with being rejected by a job, at least before interviews (though maybe my rejection sensitivity manifests in sending out fewer applications than I should?). It's not just romantic rejections either. I don't go to events out of fear that people don't really want me there (luckily I've gotten a lot better about that one). And work. Why have I had so much trouble finding a co-advisor? Because I'm afraid to ask because I don't want to be rejected. It's part of why I was not a very good missionary.

I tell myself things like "well I just don't want to be intrusive." But that's an excuse; it's just me trying to frame my anxiety, my sensitivity as a good thing when it's not. A couple minutes is not intrusive. 

It's not like I even take actual rejection that badly. Like yeah I was hurt when the Rebound said no (in such a polite way too!). But I got over that pretty fast, I didn't hurt myself or anything. Just walked around in the cold and cleared my thoughts (though those couple of days were super stressful/depressing for reasons beyond just her. See here which was published after I asked but before she responded, about an event that happened before I asked). I can generally understand why I am rejected. There's usually not much hard feelings (except for Her, in the aftermath. But not now).

That's not to say it's all good. I probably give too much space afterwards, out of a misguided "well I don't want to appear pushy" instinct. Makes it seem like my whole point in building friendships was just to try for a relationship, when it really wasn't. Basically ruined the blossoming friendship between the Rebound and I, which sucked because she's cool and I didn't want to lose that friendship.    

I'm better than I used to be, even if I am still a nervous wreck. My coworkers love my prom story (which gets more absurd with each retelling). The crux of it is that I knew (!) and I still didn't ask Her to prom because I was so afraid of Her rejecting me. She literally asked me on a date like 3 days before prom! So I'm not that bad anymore. Even if I'm still pretty bad. 

So why do I fear rejection? Why do I let this anxiety control me? Why won't I ask the damn question? I know that I'm being irrational. I know that it's just my mind playing tricks on me. I know that I don't need to (and won't) wreck our friendship if the answer is no. I'm okay with no in fact, because I really value our friendship that much. So why can't I ask it? Why do I find every excuse to let it remain a question? 

Is it perfectionism? Is it just an irrational fear of rejection? Do I think I'm happier this way, imagining many lives that could be rather than taking a step to close them off into something more concrete? Does the liminality excite me? 

And why do I let it spill into my professional life? It's funny. I have no issue going to professors to ask questions. Or to argue. But as soon as it comes to forming a relationship that help myself, suddenly I can't do it. At all. Because I'm scared of rejection.

I really need a better therapist than this blog, anime and random music playlists. Though I'm not sure what the point is. I know my way of thinking is wrong, that everything will be okay and I just catastrophize because that's what I do, not because it is realistic. Does hearing it from someone else really make a difference? Or is it about having a stronger commitment mechanism?