Sayings on the Cross: Forgiveness

Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.  -Luke 23:34, KJV

I hold grudges easily and for a long time. Or so I think until it slips from my mind, hopefully never to come up again. Forgiveness has always been difficult for me. Even when I do have the strength to say that, I always doubt if I mean it. I hold onto to the wrongs of those who I feel wronged me, feelings right or wrong they may be, fully aware that I am wrong to not right my path, in writing or voice.

My journals, my letters are full of this. Mostly with regards to her. Saying that I forgave her for what happened but either or not really believing it. (I really am over her now, but it has been years and the last break up was on my terms, which made it a lot easier) Words, words words, but actions? Maybe not.

It's hard to forgive in silence. When there's no opportunities for your words to match your actions since there's no actions to be made. Maybe there are actions that can be done, but identifying them is hard. Maybe it isn't that it is hard to forgive in silence, but that it is hard to know if you've truly forgiven. Yes, forgiven, not be forgiven. Because that's what I'm talking about now.

It's hard to let go. Anger, sadness, grudges and the like hurt. But they are things. They are feelings. Something to grasp. Part of your identity. Forgiveness is washing them away, especially difficult when you're feeling nothing. I'm feeling nothing. But the long term payoff is worth it, if I can get over the short term gratification. If I let go of the flotsam and swim. 

The whole "for they know not what they do" is interesting. I am reminded of Anti-Climacus's discussion about what it means for a sickness to not be unto death, in a way. It doesn't really matter if they knew what they were doing, because they were doing what needed to be done and I do think Jesus would have forgiven them anyway. 

It's the same with me. Sure it's easier to forgive (in theory) if I think the action was out of ignorance, not malice. But that's not what I'm asked to do. I'm asked to forgive always, as many times as needed. Because I need forgiveness as many times as needed.

I'm much better with forgiveness than I used to be. It's come in hand with learning to be calm and patient, controlling my anger and trying to keep my emotions more in check. And maybe it's part of growing up. I'm well past 25 now, my brain is much better developed than it used to be. But in the end, it's still something that I need to work on. That I can't let slip back to where I was. In the end life is about maintenance and forgiveness is a form of that. 

 

Verily, verily, I say unto you, my servants, that inasmuch as you have forgiven one another your trespasses, even so I, the Lord, forgive you.   -Doctrine and Covenants 82:1