So as mentioned earlier, I'm definitely reentering a depressive state. And in typical atypical depression fashion, it's by far most noticeable when I'm not around people.
Woke up at 5:15, which honestly wasn't too bad because I was meaning to get up at 5:30 anyway. Also my window was open so birdsong and cars and the like. Well it was raining so I pushed back going to campus to count dead birds (0) as much as I could. Eventually just went in the rain anyway, arriving around 7. That went uneventful and then I got ready for the temple trip.
Changed and went over to the church for the temple trip. Arrived a little before 9, which is when I had marked for the carpool. No one was there. I stuck around for 20 minutes and then went back to my office to grade. Oh how I hate grading and I've had so much trouble focusing on it. Since I was already in my nice clothes and there was a baptism at 11, I decided to go to that. Had to fight through a bunch of racers, since my office was completely surrounded by them. Baptism went well, then I headed back to my office (race was over) to grade more. I hate grading and it took me at least an hour to get back into focus. Graded for a while (lots of pacing involved) and then went to a birthday party. That was nice, hanging with friends and not grading. Relieved some of my misery for a while, but of course it started coming back as I left. Saw a weird muskrat (?) on the way home. Just lay in bed for a while, started the rest of my laundry, cooked dinner and did more grading (I'm almost done). I'm grading too nicely because I just don't care right now. I'm only able to do what I did because of the pressure to finish and move on to my other projects due soon.
I know my body well enough that I entirely expected to start feeling bad again around this time. I was just hoping it would wait another week or so. Enough time to complete what I need to complete before I fall apart. I'm looking forward to summer at least, even if I feel terrible right now. It's not even like I'm consumed by guilt or self doubt/hatred or anything like that right now. I know that people like me and I can tell myself pretty easily that bad thoughts aren't true. But that doesn't help with the psycho-physical feelings. I just feel bad and I don't want to feel bad and I dread the bad feelings. Therapy doesn't help with that as far as I've experienced, except as a reminder that they'll disappear eventually. Which I know, but that's not very helpful in the moment. Anyway, need to call the psychiatrist Monday morning.
No comments:
Post a Comment