wbatša‘ šā‘yin: q‘ā’ yešua‘ bqālā’ rāmā’ we’mar, ’ēl ’ēl lmānā’ šbaqtāni di’aiteyh ’elāhi ’elāhi lmānā’ šbaqtāni - Mark 15:34, Peshitta
This right here is the most interesting of all the sayings and not just because it is in Aramaic. It shows Jesus's human side. It's one of the core experiences of the atonement, showing that Jesus experienced not only the guilt of all of our sins but also the despair of them. Spiritual death preceding physical death. The separation of our core identity that we all experience in this world.
The paradox of the gospel is that growth and salvation is an individual path that can only be understood alone, and yet the path to it and through it is by others. And yet, at the core of many of the most spiritual experiences recorded is a profound sense of isolation, even when surrounded by others. Enoch's call to the ministry. Abraham and the binding of Isaac. Alma the Younger's conversion. Moses in the wilderness. Basically Moroni's whole life. Both the first version and Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail. It extends beyond religion; there's a reason that the abyss precedes apotheosis in all the greatest stories ever told. It's so human, so relatable. No wonder we are drawn to it, compelled to listen to it, to follow it.
This of course culminates in this saying, Jesus surrounded by throngs of people and yet feeling totally, utterly alone. Forsaken and abandoned. Embracing the most human experience of all. For we are born naked, confused and alone and eventually go the same way (more or less).
That's why I love this saying. I can't relate to telling people their sins are forgiven or setting my temporal affairs in order. I can relate to feeling alone.
I'm a solitary person by nature. That's why I write all my feelings on a blog for all the world to see (but no one ever does...I'M NOT SICK BUT I'M NOT WELL AND I'M SO HOT 'CAUSE I'M IN HELL). It's not that I don't enjoy the company of other people, I just also sometimes enjoy not being with other people.
Being solitary doesn't mean I don't feel lonely. I do a lot. And that's despite having lots of friends to hang out with, to talk to. And you know honestly, a lot of my loneliness is a choice. I could be less lonely but I don't. Sure the depression and anxiety don't help but I don't need to let them control, especially during the times I'm feeling well. Anyway, I know loneliness. I know the desire to want to be with someone, anyone. Just wanting someone to reach out and say "hey, are you doing all right?"
Am I a forsaken person though? Absolutely not. I'm not sure that I've ever felt truly forsaken, even at my worst. I wish I could find my mission journal but even in my darkest I was able to barely feel the love of God. I remember one night, in March 2016 when I was particularly bad (and this is a story I've never shared before- tw:self-harm). I did not get along with my companion. I was very upset about her ghosting me. Looking back, the chemicals in my brain were probably simply out of balance, untreated mental illness and all that, but I didn't recognize that at the time. I felt so so so alone. I remember sitting out on our porch, self loathing and writing about it. Our house was near the train tracks and I remember thinking about how easy it would be to go over to them and throw myself in front of a train. I remember wanting to cut myself so bad, to see if I could feel (to focus on the pain, the only thing that's real). Spoiler alert: I didn't kill myself. I didn't cut myself either, though I'm pretty sure I had a knife with me. I attributed it to the fact that I'd promised her years before that I'd never do that again. And that was certainly part of it. But you know, there was more to it, at least to convince me to follow through to an old promise I made to someone who at that time I thought hated me. I can't recall, but I think I did feel the presence of God, helping me calm down and back off from doing something rash.
Well that was heavy. Guess I'm simply not at the knight of faith point where my isolation truly matters ;) . But seriously, I'm glad that I have been blessed to be able to see that even at my worst, I'm not forsaken. I just hope that my worst doesn't get worse, but that's why I'm seeking help.
My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; - Doctrine and Covenants 121:7
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