Pre-Summer Day 1

After going to bed around 11:30, I woke up around 2ish. Thrashed around and eventually fell back asleep. Such is depression. At least I wasn't too stressed about it. Woke up for real around 8:30. Had a lot of trouble getting out of bed. I just didn't want to do anything. I cried a bit. I think I eventually pulled myself out by 10ish? Showered and eventually made it downstairs to eat lunch before going to the office, supposedly to work.

Biked slowly to the office (it was a nice, if too hot day). I didn't do any work. I did figure out which therapist is probably the best choice but I didn't call up the office. At some point I was just listening to music with my head buried in my arms on my desk. Eventually I decided I would just go home, so I slowly biked home (it was hot).

I curled up on my bed, falling in and out of half sleep. Not because I was tired but because I didn't want to do anything. Couldn't pull myself to do anything. Eventually I was able to reheat some dinner even if I didn't really want to eat. Had a zoom call about work (the other boss, not the one I've been waiting to get an assignment from). Sat around some more. Made some grilled cheese, not because I was hungry but because I knew I needed more calories. Eventually got around to writing this.

I've been listening to AJJ (shame they chickened out and changed their name)'s new album. It's good but I definitely prefer the rawness of their earlier stuff. Maybe because I'm still a nihilistic, misanthropic teenager at heart. When I decided to go home, I was hoping I'd have the energy to play the bass, maybe start a new song (Press Gang Redux) but of course I didn't. I didn't have the energy for anything. Just like how I didn't write about the 3 main ways I experience depression and how I've learned to deal with them. Even though I wanted to write about that.

I'm feeling better than earlier, in that I'm not feeling anything at all. I'm tired, despite all that sleep. I feel empty, but not particularly sad at the moment. I just have no motivation to do anything. I'm sure tomorrow I'll also feel bad and will likely continue to feel so until it just fades one day. But I have some events scheduled at least.

My sunburn really doesn't feel as bad as it could either.