I'm sad, so sad. It took me an hour to write three paragraphs about my day yesterday. I don't want to do anything except curl up in my bed and pity myself. I've cried (with and without tears) several times writing this and the last post. And it's not like anything bad happened today. On the contrary, today was awesome (like the rest of this weekend). One of the best Memorial Days I've had in years and I tend to have good Memorial Days.
I got up at 5:30 to go count birds (I traded my camping Saturday for today). For once, I actually got out of bed and was pretty much ready to go a little after six. I had an orange and yogurt. I went to my office, did the survey and didn't find anything. Next up was a pancake breakfast about 9 miles away. Honestly, I wasn't exactly feeling it but I promised the host I'd go and I'm really glad I did.
Pancakes were delicious (I had two) and we played Catch Phrase after, which was fun. Then me and another guy decided to get inner tubes to join in on a river floating expedition. So we did that and somehow made it to the meet up point before everyone else. Others got there and then we carpooled up to the launch point. Tubes/boards filled and off we went. I half swam, half tubed for a while. Eventually we decided to do a big link up and at that point I ended up attached to the kayak (which like wasn't super intentional but worked out nice since the two kayakers happened to be people I quite like and get along with. Not that I have any problem with the rest of the group, just those two are in my upper half). When the link fell apart I asked if the kayakers were okay with dragging me; they were and so off we went.
We visited a sandbar and then caught up with the rest of the group. Lots of chatting, getting to know one another better. Tossing the Frisbee around between paddleboards. Swimming. Just having fun. We stopped for lunch on a sandbar. I ate a PB&J (but not a very full one) and half a muffin. We went out again. Still had much further to go. Much of the same continued, doesn't need much mentioning here. Eventually we made it to the destination. Got very sunburned because of insufficient sunscreen; I wanted to even out my farmers tan but alas.
It was around 6 at that point so I'd been up for over 12 hours, had biked over 13 miles, swam a bunch and was generally tired. The guy I rode over with was going to the launch site to get the cars we left there and since my bike was left at the house of one of the kayakers, I asked if it would be okay to squeeze into his pickup truck. Despite seating only 2, they were okay with that (I would've been fine waiting and made this clear) and so off we went. Dropped the one not driving home and then went to where I started. Loaded my inner tub on the bike and off I went, 13 miles to go.
The only real event on the way home was getting chased by a goose. They were on the path so I waited until they moved off (hissing at me the whole time). After that I thought I was in the clear but as soon as I turned my back one of the adults came at me as I stumbled away. As mentioned, the rest was uneventful.
Got home, ate a slice of pizza and showered. Began writing my entry for yesterday as an overwhelming sense of unhappiness, like I haven't really felt since March. I guess the high from positive stimulii finally wore off. It didn't even take me too much by surprise, since as I mentioned, my appetite and general desire to do things has been dropping. I hate feeling like this and it's quite clear at this point there's no cause. Maybe depressive cycles make me more sensitive to stress and relationship issues and the like, but most of these episodes probably don't have a cause; as I used to think they did. Really hoping that I'll feel better tomorrow or at least soon, but if not, oh well. I got work to do.
I was already planning on calling the therapist tomorrow but now I am really planning on it. Shame though, I had hoped to start while I was euthymic.
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