Spring Day 42

Got up (a bit early but not too early I think). Eventually showered. Post-church meeting was cancelled but I biked anyway so I could go to my office to work afterwards. It's the end of April and I'm still wearing long johns when biking, which is not cool. Ending up working during our fifth sunday lesson (while still participating mind you) which is good because I could not focus on grading at my office. No concentration when I feel like t h i s. Lots of pacing. Eventually got my Tuesday presentation outlined at least. Went home, was slow because of the wind and a very full backpack. Ate dinner. Still haven't put away my laundry, so really living up to that depressed guy stereotype. Didn't grade at home either. Or work on my presentation (which honestly is pretty easy. It's only 15 minutes and I already have everything in text format. I just need to turn it into a presentation). I'm getting up early to leave for work early so I can just do it at the office. Hopefully before the rains start again. 

Still feel pretty bad. Like I said, really hard to concentrate, really agitated. But the thoughts aren't too bad yet, just the mood, the general feeling. It's definitely not full on depression yet, but slowly it will be. Just need to hold out a bit longer. 

In other news, I've been thinking a lot about Šyþed Pyklez. I can't wait till after the 9th, when I should have time to finish my last two songs for Fishing for Birds. But what I was thinking about more was album art for my next two albums. Dead Ponies in the Rain is a drawing that I cooked up in paint and then fried in photoshop. It works well for what that album is. A decade ago I did some pencil/inks sketches for Fishing for Birds. I might still have them somewhere and if not, well I can color digitally. So that's what I was planning to do for a long time, until a couple of weeks ago when I noticed an empty Amazon box in my room with the text "use for a last minute diorama." Well that struck me as a brilliant idea, so I think I'm going to make a diorama of someone fishing for birds out of construction paper, pipe cleaners, toilet paper tubes, cotton swabs, toothpicks and crayons and then use a photo of that for the cover. Photographing it honestly seems more daunting than making it. Anyway, such a cover would be very different and iconic even. So I'm excited to make that this summer. For Doctrines of Annihilation I am thinking of getting a 12x12 canvas and actually painting something for the cover. I'm thinking a black background (I know, super cliche for album art, but this is my "traditional" album) with a golden door in the middle. Use dark greys to create faint stars around the background. Line the edge with golden sunstones and other esoteric symbols. Title in red at the top and then spell out "xayiti pikilese" in Maya glyphs somehwere on it. Will take a lot of planning and of course is better in my head, but I'm also pretty excited about this. I also decided to add a (short) 10th song right after the title track to balance it out. Something ambient, tentatively called Kolob. I've also given tentative titles to the currently unnamed songs: Elements of Innovative Destruction and Dogwood. The first is a riff off a major theme of the first half, destruction while also adding to the idea that Šyþed Pyklez are innovative disruptors, as seen in Pioneers and Settlers. For the second, I wanted something flower themed and dogwood flowers fit really well with some of the themes of the second half. So it works well.

Spring Day 41

So as mentioned earlier, I'm definitely reentering a depressive state. And in typical atypical depression fashion, it's by far most noticeable when I'm not around people.

Woke up at 5:15, which honestly wasn't too bad because I was meaning to get up at 5:30 anyway. Also my window was open so birdsong and cars and the like. Well it was raining so I pushed back going to campus to count dead birds (0) as much as I could. Eventually just went in the rain anyway, arriving around 7. That went uneventful and then I got ready for the temple trip. 

Changed and went over to the church for the temple trip. Arrived a little before 9, which is when I had marked for the carpool. No one was there. I stuck around for 20 minutes and then went back to my office to grade. Oh how I hate grading and I've had so much trouble focusing on it. Since I was already in my nice clothes and there was a baptism at 11, I decided to go to that. Had to fight through a bunch of racers, since my office was completely surrounded by them. Baptism went well, then I headed back to my office (race was over) to grade more. I hate grading and it took me at least an hour to get back into focus. Graded for a while (lots of pacing involved) and then went to a birthday party. That was nice, hanging with friends and not grading. Relieved some of my misery for a while, but of course it started coming back as I left. Saw a weird muskrat (?) on the way home. Just lay in bed for a while, started the rest of my laundry, cooked dinner and did more grading (I'm almost done). I'm grading too nicely because I just don't care right now. I'm only able to do what I did because of the pressure to finish and move on to my other projects due soon.

I know my body well enough that I entirely expected to start feeling bad again around this time. I was just hoping it would wait another week or so. Enough time to complete what I need to complete before I fall apart. I'm looking forward to summer at least, even if I feel terrible right now. It's not even like I'm consumed by guilt or self doubt/hatred or anything like that right now. I know that people like me and I can tell myself pretty easily that bad thoughts aren't true. But that doesn't help with the psycho-physical feelings. I just feel bad and I don't want to feel bad and I dread the bad feelings. Therapy doesn't help with that as far as I've experienced, except as a reminder that they'll disappear eventually. Which I know, but that's not very helpful in the moment. Anyway, need to call the psychiatrist Monday morning. 

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Yeah, I'm definitely slipping back into a depressive state. And the great thing is that thanks to my (okay) documentation, it's pretty clear that there is no cause. I'm not saying that sarcastically. I really am glad because I've spent so much time rightly or wrongly trying to attribute causes to my emotional state. But I have records here that at least sometimes it really is just the chemicals in my brain going bad.

Well anyway back to grading. It's so hard to focus on it

Spring Day 40

Couldn't go climbing this morning so I got up, showered and went to teach my class. Went back to my office, did some admin and didn't grade. Went to SS to watch IO presentations (mine is next Friday). Left midway through to teach my class, then went back to finish them off. Went to the econ happy hour (briefly) and then over to the park for a picnic with a couple people from the ward. That was nice. Played some sand volleyball (I am no good, but whatever) and hung out. Weather was beautiful today. Went home, showered and started laundry. Am currently waiting for my whites to finish and couldn't grade this evening because the university system isn't letting me (or presumably anyone) log in. Oh well

I've definitely been feeling worse in the morning and then better as the day goes on. Don't know if that's because social interaction is helping with my dysmythia or something else. I guess we'll see tomorrow. Still, my average mood is definitely lower these past few days compared to previously, or say last week. Less energy too (though I'm still not sure if that's because I'm high energy in my euthymic state or because of something else).  

Spring Day 39

 I woke up in the middle of the night. Again. Took a while to fall asleep (though I wasn't stressed about that). In the morning though, I realized what's starting to happen. But more on that later.

Got to work fairly early with the intent to grade. Did not grade. Played Avalon with the English corner. Got assassinated but that's okay, I wasn't Merlin so we won. Taught my classes. Sat around on reddit, a lot. Being unproductive. Didn't leave my office till like 10:45. Being unproductive. Saw the beaver on my way home, so I have yet another blurry photograph of it. One day!

It's clear that I'm entering a dysthymic state again. Right about when I expected, late April. No obvious trigger (which there shouldn't be, I spent too much time focusing on those and barked up too many wrong trees). Waking up in the middle of the night is one of the symptoms, it will probably switch to terminal insomnia soon. I've been a lot more agitated as well (pacing and the like) and unable to concentrate on anything of value. Trying to grade today was much different than other days (and more akin to spring break, except even less so). I guess I'm learning the signs, which is a good thing? We'll see if working on my presentations and proposal triggers anything worse. I guess it really is time to get a hold of a therapist. Or a psychiatrist really. Can't keep putting that off.

I'll admit, I do question the value of therapy. I know the basics of it, I know this will pass. I know that I'm fine, people don't hate me and I don't really hate myself. I don't need someone else to tell me that. I need medicine to keep me happy or more likely to keep my moods in balance in the first place.

Spring Day 38

Class this morning was on presentations, which is something I'm pretty confident in (overly confident?) so whatever. Two big presentations next week, yay. Didn't do much in the afternoon. Institute was interesting. Not many people showed up and it was a pretty heavy. We discussed why we suffer, why there is adversity and what that means. At the end we were talking about how adversity contributes to our own personal testimony and as someone said, it's hard to believe any testimony grows without the waters of adversity. Certainly true for me. How else did I turn from a well read but testimony less elder to the man I am today? It was every trial I was faced with, failed or not. It was the pains I felt, and feel, moving through life. It's because there's no way to feel God's love quite like when you're unable to love yourself and only wish for death.

I didn't say it quite like that though. Instead I talked about how I'm arrogant and prideful and need trials to knock me down a couple pegs. Which is true but not the full truth. And for that audience, that was okay.

Tomorrow is a grading day. So is Friday probably. Saturday, Sunday and Monday I need to make slides. The next week and a half is going to suck.

Spring Day 37

 I could've done this yesterday, but I didn't.

I think I read more Wrestling the Angel in the morning. I also finished writing out my suggestion for why the book club should read Infinite Jest, as a pastiche of DFW of course. Complete with a footnote longer than the actual suggestion. Didn't do much in the afternoon. A little after 4 I headed out to the Southwest part of town to help a friend move and then to see Suzume (the theater was in the same part of town).

Suzume was awesome. First of all the animation was incredible, as expected. Secondly, it was just a good straightforward road-trip/adventure. But that's not really why it hit me. I don't know what it was, but all the disaster scenes just dug right into my heart. Especially near the end

Spring Day 36

 Last IO class was today (minus the presentations). Finally getting my Mondays back. Attended a workshop on discrete choice models before that, which was nice. Need to get all my stuff ready for my presentations next week, which is not nice.

Read more Wrestling the Angel this morning before going to work and more Infinite Jest tonight, after coming home. One book is much slower than the other, though both are good. 

Went climbing after class, but left pretty soon afterwards because they are setting up for a comp and closed off half the gym, pushing everyone into the same few areas and that just didn't give my the vibe I wanted tonight. I did get (almost) get the V3ish I've been working on. My foot touched the ground and I just kept going because they were about to close the area and I wanted to send it before the problem was gone for good. Anyway, I did have a controlled finish and probably could have done the whole thing if there were time.

Woke up this morning to learn that I missed my chance at seeing the northern lights the night before. Oh well, maybe next time I'll actually know in advance.

Spring Day 35

 I really need a new titling scheme.

Woke up, lazed around and eventually got out of bed. Showered and got dressed. Went to church and started reading Wrestling the Angel which I got a few years back for either christmas or my birthday. It's an interesting book. 

Church went fine, nothing much to report. Wore an ascot instead of a tie because I spent so long making that cravat I might as well wear it more than once. I'll pull it out again for Independence Day because of the colors. Took the bus home (ride needed to go somewhere else). Got home, read like another 60 pages of Infinite Jest. It really is a good, even gripping book. It's not surprising that I like DFW, I mean I already knew that from his non-fiction, but we do seem to be fairly similar people. Depressed of course, but also people that others tend to like to be around, occasionally, funny/witty, and very intelligent but in a self-effacing, even deprecating way. 

Then I ate dinner and messed around the internet I guess. Didn't really do anything of note, other than finally reading the paper I was supposed to. The next two weeks are going to suck. 

Mood is a bit down on average today I think. Certainly compared some days of the past few weeks. But I'm not depressed or anything. Not in a clinical sense. Seems to all be within the mean of euthymia I think. I'm very tired.

Spring Day 34

Got up at 5:30 to prepare to look for dead birds. Realized that sunrise wasn't even until 6 so I went back to bed for another 30 minutes. Got up (slowly) looked outside and saw it was snowing. So despite meaning to get to my site at like 6:30 it was closer to 7:40 when I finally got there (realizing that the snow wasn't going to stop). Realized I forgot my lock (was testing out my fixed bike, which still needs some adjustment on the derailleur because it's slipping a bit) so I took my bike all the way up to my office. First two buildings didn't have any dead birds, but just as I was about to finish surveying the third one, I found a dead yellow-bellied sapsucker. So I had to log that one out in the snow/freezing rain, which wasn't very fun and then drop it off at the freezer to confirm the identity. 

I was planning on climbing afterwards but that was before I realized I had no lock, so I just went home. Took a nap, ate lunch and then went to Goodwill to look for rings and handkerchiefs. Didn't find any I liked so I went home. Finished, tried on my ensemble to make sure it worked out and then took another nap while waiting for it to be time to go. 

Biked to the church (it was snowing again! just for a little bit though). Put on my costume and from then on out, I was ready for the murder mystery dinner. I spent the whole thing very in character, and since my character was an alcoholic, that meant I drank a lot of (food colored) lemonade. So so much, always had a glass with some liquid in my hand. It also meant that I was quite loud (the character was supposed to be a bit obnoxious anyway), slurred my speech a bit as the night went on, and stumbled more and more as the game progressed. Combine that with me very much playing up the "old money" aspect of the character and it was very fun. Forgot to do a mid Atlantic accent though. The mystery itself was a bit too easy, but I enjoy the improv aspect more. Same reason I like MUN really. Give me a character and a goal (in this case, my goal was be obnoxious but also very obviously not a suspect) and let me go wild, especially when everyone else is doing the same. So yeah really fun and I do think I was the life of the party. Didn't want to shoot myself when I got home either (did need to pee though. After peeing like three times at the church over the course of the night. Soooooo much lemonade). I need to do more improv activities. Or at least find more people interesting in a real roleplay heavy type of campaign. 

Well I'm tired and caught up. Might as well go to bed.

Spring Day 33

Another day, another late post.

Got up and decided to not go to the gym because I was going to climb Saturday morning. Went and taught class and then at the office did some busy work (I think? I don't remember. It wasn't important by any means). Taught my other class, went back to the office and got to work making a cravat. I had tissue paper with lines on it, so I used that to make a pattern. I didn't have any chalk to mark the pattern on the fabric, so I just cut around it. Which wasn't great but worked well enough. Got it all cut out and then used paper clips to pin the fabric together before going to happy hour.

Happy hour was nice. We had good turnout, the bar we were at actually had decent food. Talk to a bunch of people and had fun. Once again was told that I am one of the most interesting persons that people know (I get that a lot). Went home afterwards.

Spent all evening sewing the cravat. Ended up doing a decent job too, all things considered. Too bad it look like 3-4 hours because I had to hand stitch it. By the time I finished I was really tired (it was like 12:30 and I'd been up and socializing for most of the day) so I basically went straight to bed.

Spring Day 32

 Got up, lazed around a bit (I was tired on account of staying up way too late). Only after sending out my slides to the other TAs right at 8 though. Showered and then decided I'd finish fixing my bike. Which I did, since I got the crank extractor to work (my issue was not using a wrench for additional leverage), pulled off the other side, replaced them (the new ones fit to my bottom bracket!), put the bolts back in hopefully at the right torque and added the pedals. The pedals actually took way more work than I thought because I forgot that there's a difference between the threading on the left and right pedal. But once I got that right, it was pretty easy. Put my wheel on and at this point all I need to do is grease the chain and other basic maintenance. I'll see if it works as intended on Saturday.

Stopped at the thrift shop on my way to work. My goal was to find outrageous rings (unsuccessful), a silky cravat or scarf (unsuccessful but...) and a handkerchief (unsuccessful). I did however find a couple of shawls, including a quite nice pashmina one which one of my sisters has already claimed. So I grabbed three of those for a dollar (it was a pay per pound store). The two non-pashmina ones are pretty low quality and thin fabric but will work in a jiffy. My goal tomorrow is to cut the larger one and turn it into a cravat myself. It's not quite the right fabric but it is at least a good story to tell and it will have different patterns on each side. I can hand stitch it but that will take a long time, so I'm hoping to use one of the sewing machines at the campus art studio (free for students!) to speed up the process. I still need to make the pattern of course bit it is fairly simple and I'll at least do my initial cuts tonight (and see if the fabric completely falls apart on me, ruining the whole project). 

If that doesn't work out, the other not nice shawl I grabbed is less wide so I can turn it into a scarf of some sort without cutting. Won't work great but I've only had a couple days to get this figured out (and if it really doesn't work out, I can just use a tie, those were a thing in the 1920s. But it isn't as cool and eccentric).

Played games at English corner, taught my classes and then went home and did a zoom temple recommend interview. Glad that's over; I guess I'm going on the trip next Saturday. Regraded the one question everyone was upset at me about. I was right for about 2/3rds to 1/2 of the students (the rest I did grade wrong) but the other TAs were much more lenient so I ended up giving back most of the points I took away. Anyway, it didn't take too long since I just had to look at my old comments and see who I said needed more explanation. That's why I keep detailed notes (also to help my students). After doing that, I went and started to figure out how I'm making this cravat, which is when I remembered the on campus art studio exists. I really hope they let me bring my own fabric; I get why they are anal about outside materials but it shouldn't really matter for something like this. And then I wrote these. 

Tomorrow is a busy day and I really hope I'm not up till like 3 in the morning hand stitching this thing. Because my DIY pattern paper is bad enough and I don't need to add more trouble to this. 

Feeling fine. Maybe dipping slightly more down again, but certainly within the band that is "fine".

Spring Day 31

 Yeah this is late, since I didn't get home until 1 in the morning. But why?

Didn't have to go to class in the morning since it was just a small group discussion on zoom. Of course, the storm started by the time that was over, which was miserable. Waited a bit and finally just left as I thought it calmed down. Within 3 minutes I was soaked, so I went home to put on long underwear (it was very windy as well) and get a change of pants to put on when I got to the office. Of course, by the time I got back home (so again, like < 3 minutes) the storm was pretty much over so that change of pants was more of a precaution. Did mean I missed a seminar but whatever.

Hung out for a while, did office hours and answered a bunch of students who were angry about their grades. Around 5, went out with friends for dinner (no bar makes burgers as good as I do. The spices and onions really are key to a tasty, if not well formed, burger). Then at 7 we went to the movie theater to watch the rerelease of Return of the King (extended edition of course). After like 40 minutes of ads (no joke, who had that brilliant idea?) the movie actually started.

Things that stood out watching it again. It holds up really well. Some of the CGI not as much but in general it is really good. The costuming is great. It's lit in a way you don't see as much anymore. You can see what's going on in dark scenes and the bright scenes are nice and colorful. Wow I remember why I liked these movies so much as a kid. The whole thing was really nostalgic as well. So yeah, I do recommend; I forgot how good it was.

Got back to the office at like midnight 30 and then rode home. Worked on my slides for my class and went to bed at like 3.  

Spring Day 30

 Got up. Lay around a bit (I think?). Showered and was gonna go on a bike ride when I remembered that I had a meeting at 11. So I listened in on that while preparing my chayote and beans. Went on a bike ride (the ride I had originally planned to do Saturday) and that was nice. Saw lots of birds. And people I guess. Since it was on my way, I went to the tool shop and got an impact screwdriver and hex bits for a ratchet wrench. Got home and actually managed to loosen that bolt! So I'll be able to finish fixing my bike soon. 

Cooked lontong sayur. Except that my lontong were an utter failure so it was just a coconut soup. Also it was green instead of red because no red peppers. Otherwise it turned out pretty well, I think. The missionaries ate it at the very least. Didn't seem like it would turn out good right till the end though. The visit with the missionaries was nice. Told them stories and they told me stories. Their lesson was a nice reminder of the importance of the restoration. I told them a lot about the sort of unique teachings that have helped me. Things like a truly eternal perspective, the positive view of the fall and the emphasis on agency. 

After cleaning up, I saw that a new trailer for the xenoblade DLC dropped. So that distracted me for a while and then I finally finished my homework. Fun stuff. 

I won't say I'm feeling ecstatic, but I also don't feel terrible. Or even bad. Which is good.

Spring Day 29

 Set an alarm early but did not end up leaving early. Went shopping as the snow faded. Grabbed most of what I need for tomorrow. Went to work, chatted a bit and finished my presentation (I got called on again but didn't go because I already got called on twice). Graded exams while waiting for class. Did class, went back to my office and finished grading. Went to McD's for dinner and then went home. 

Pretty simple day, but tomorrow is busier since it's a cooking day. The real excitement of today was getting my character for the murder mystery dinner on saturday. I'm going to have a lot of fun with this. Using my family's advice, I am putting together a quite outrageous costume and next I'm fleshing out my backstory and figuring out some quirks. Should be a blast.

Spring Day 28

 It is snowing outside. It was 80 degrees yesterday. Such is life in April.

Got up at like 8, felt pretty well rested so I went downstairs and worked on my Your Name post. Got ready for church. Actually got a ride instead of taking my bike, which is good because rain. Church went fine; did my first temple recommend renewal interview and also subbed in for taking attendance in sunday school. Since I only have access to the attendance records for the men, it took two people to do what normally takes one person. Went home and don't remember what I did next. Probably answered emails. Played a bit of vidya but that was later on. Eventually read the paper for the presentation I need to prepare tomorrow (along with grading; lots of grading). Oh and did the training for the Bird Collision Corps survey team. That's right. I'm gonna be getting up at the crack of dawn to count dead birds. Pretty laid back day. Haven't researched therapist options yet, unfortunately. That just got pushed to the side. But at least my taxes are done. 

 I remember what I did now. I completely failed at making lontong. Couldn't get the banana leaves rolled right, couldn't get them sealed and I basically just made banana scented rice goop. That's probably still undercooked. So the missionaries are gonna be getting ketupat sayur except it's really just coconut milk soup over rice because I can't get the ketupat part of it right. Oh well.

Gonna go read some more Infinite Jest. Want to get up early tomorrow to do shopping and still get to the office at a reasonable hour to do all the work I need to do. But I guess that ultimately depends on snow. I feel fine, which is good. Did feel a bit anxious about a thing, but it was different than when I did a similar thing a month ago. Much lower key and I just went ahead and did it.

Spring Day 27

 Got up. Decided to not go on a bike ride since it was supposed to be nice in the afternoon. Lay around for a bit and then did my taxes. Way overpaid state taxes, time to adjust my withholding down. Was near perfect on federal taxes (at least pre-credits but those are harder to predict). Then went on a bike ride, since the storm hadn't started yet. Got a distance, felt some drops and that spooked me so I decided to not do the loop I was planning. On my way back though, the storm didn't actually start so I took another turn and ended up at an asian grocery store, where I got pho and looked for ingredients. Then I went to another store and found more of what I was looking for. Came home and was lazy. Played some vidya. Went downstairs and started going through old files. Was making sure my music was backed up and got all my currently produced Fishing for Birds songs published lossless as well (so I can put them on bandcamp; this will be impossible for Dead Ponies in the Rain since I've lost a lot of the old masters, so I guess I'll be horrible and convert mp3s to lossless). 

While doing that I found unfinished songs for both Šyþed Pyklez and Ghelded Kultz. I completely forgot that I had an anti-PETA song planned for Fishing for Birds at some point. Well that doesn't really fit with what I've been going with but I might take the break and use it for the DnB song I'm planning for Doctrines of Annihilation. I also listened to Days of the Week. It is like 90% done, it really just needs samples and then mixing. Apparently I've been working on it since 2011 so it'll have been 12 years and 2 albums between conception and publication. I forgot just how long and slow it is. Like it's supposed to be monotonous since the song is about ennui tearing down the band, but doing a 3/4 techno song at 78 bpm is almost a crime. Deliciously Šyþed Pyklez. I also decided that Doctrines of Annihilation should probably be 9 songs long. It's got a bit of a chiasmatic structure and I have 7 songs planned so far. However, as it stands right now, the fast section of Days of the Week will go immediately into the aforementioned DnB song (which also has slow sections) which means the musical variety on the first half of the album is a bit lacking. So a rock/emo/punk song of some sort to balance out that half would be good. Then I'll put an electronic song between Fear and Trembling in San Dimas (very much a rock song, maybe even a dad rock song) and Hobo Tracks (inspired by Don, Aman so a slow, distorted and driving rock song) to add symmetry and also diversity. No idea what themes those songs will cover though. Maybe the 3rd one will be about anger and so the 7th one will be about finding peace in a storm or something. 

I also looked at some old photos and realized I have a lot of banger bird photos from South Africa and Ethiopia to upload (plus a couple from Indonesia). Thought I had already done that but apparently not. So that's a longer term project but one that I'll get around to eventually. Did my diaries and now I'm going to bed. 

Spring Day 26

So I completely forgot to do this, mostly on account of coming home really tired and going right to sleep. But how did that happen.

Got up and went to the gym. Wasn't too busy and mostly worked on easier problems since I was planning on going climbing later on. Went to my class. Like 10 people showed up, so a lot more than my other sections. Typical for that section. Had a good discussion afterwards with one of the students about potential research topics. I like that. Went over to the main campus mall to try to snag free food but there were too many people so I just ate at my office. Worked on some things (can't remember what, it clearly wasn't important) and taught my last class. Chatted with my coworkers for a bit and went home.

Got home around 4:30 and started getting ready for our climbing trip out to a local state park about 40 minutes away. A cliff had collapsed late march and we wanted to see what the new rocks looked like. Left a bit after 5 and arrived around six. Luckily, the site was quite close to the parking lot. Very cool, I love good sandstone. Unfortunately, it will take a while to develop new problems, just because no one is sure how stable the rocks are and because it's all quite hard. I did a 20+ foot climb (rated V2 but honestly was more like V0, the holds were really good) which was exhilarating. Would've flashed it but was talked into . No pads were set up at the time, not that would've helped. Anyway, wandered around the rocks, spotted people and eventually we went to a more established boulder and tried some problems there. Sky was very pretty. Went home and basically collapsed on my bed. 

For training, I much prefer indoor climbing. I like the problems more, I train better and harder. I build more muscle and skill and so on. But I do like outdoor climbing because I enjoy spending time with people out in the woods. Or the desert or wherever. It's nice and a good excuse to do that. Even if I'm not really climbing all that much.

Spring Day 25

 So of course I didn't actually fall asleep until after midnight yesterday and still woke up before my alarm today. Oh well. Went to work, graded some exams but not many. At lunch outside with friends. What a beautiful day. Played games at english corner. Taught my sections (three people showed up in each). Decided on a whim to bike around one of the lakes (that shockingly I hadn't biked completely around before. Well not on this path at least, I guess I have with other, wider paths. Though I guess of the 4 lakes in the city, before today I'd only gone completely around 1). Checked out some wetlands. Went home, ate dinner and then started grading more exams. I'm like around halfway done I think. 

Pacing a bit during grading, but mostly at natural break points. Felt pretty good, the excellent weather and companionship definitely helped but even without those I think I'd still be feeling good. Or normal? As always, is this what normal feels like? Was suggested I become a van life instagram influencer, because it would be funny. I agree, it would be. Still need to research doctors and finish my tax return, so those are now two crucial weekend projects I guess.

Spring Day 24

 Might as well call it summer at this point. I'm wearing shorts and am sunburned. Alas.

Anyway, by this point I've been up for like 22 hours. The only sleep I've had today is like 2 <5 minute cat naps. I'm in the state where I'm so tired I'm not even tired anymore. I've drunk like 3 liters of water today staying awake. But I'll go to bed soon I swear.

Got up at 1 and started on my lit review. Which mostly meant collecting articles, I actually did very little writing (which I'm ashamed of, my lit review sucks. I'll fix it up this weekend). Around 6, when the sun was rising and I could hear the birds I realized I might as well go to the office and finish working there. So I did that. Streets were surprisingly busy at 6:30. So was the office for that matter. 

Sent in my lit review at 9:28 with a third of my references missing. But who cares, I sure don't at this point. This class is killing me and I need to just reorient myself on my own schedule for a couple weeks first. Managed to stay up through the whole class, probably because I was hyped on caffeine, Pretty tired by lunch though (had been up for 11 hours by that point) and ended up falling asleep on the lounge couch for a couple minutes around 1:30. Answered some student emails, finished up some grading I accidentally skipped and then went to office hours. No one came. Went up stairs afterwards. Should've graded but was too tired to think so I just scrolled through reddit. Took another cat nap (accidentally of course) around 5:30. That's probably why I'm still awake. Went to institute. Was pretty good. Sky was real pretty. Got home, ate dinner and I'm actually not sure what I've done for the last hour before starting this. Not sleeping sucks. 

Thinking about Šyþed Pyklez's next album and how I want to organize it (since I plan on releasing Fishing for Birds in June. Counting Sheeple's deadline is in just over a month and that just leaves Fishing for Birds). If Dead Ponies in the Rain opened (well, was #2) its album and Fishing for Birds will close out its eponymous album, then Doctrines of Annihilation should be in the middle. Which fits thematically since the first half of the album is supposed to be about a breakdown and the second half the recovery. Settlers and Pioneers is a shythe diss track to represent the band at its high point then it's followed by a song about monotony and a song about recurrent depression before landing at Doctrines of Annihilation which ultimately is about the loneliness of life and the curse of eternity but also coming to accept that, embrace it. Of course, I only have 7 songs plotted so far, so I might add two more, one on each side. You'll hear lots more about it as I work more on it.

Mood: feeling good considering the circumstances. As I was telling people at institute, pretty sure I'm in the delirium stage of sleep deprivation. It's starting to hit me again though so I guess I'll be going to bed.

Spring Day 23

So yeah, this is a day late because I was an idiot and did not plan my time well. At least I am currently suffering for it and will get to suffer again over the next week!

Got up, was lazy getting out of bed. Attended a zoom presentation while grading exams. Wrote an email asking some questions about the exams. Sent it and then since the day was so nice decided that I just had to go on a bike ride. And before I knew it my 9 mile ride turned into a 23 mile ride hitting up a bunch of my favorite spots and watching birds. Got home and didn't want to work on my lit review. Just too nice and I couldn't focus. Didn't want to ruin that high, you know. By about 8ish it really was like "I need to work on this". So I showered and went to take a nap instead. And that was my day.

Moodwise felt pretty good. More pacing than before, because work sucks. Maybe I don't really have an agitated state? Who knows. That's why I need to talk through this with someone.

Spring Day 22

 Got up, had an appointment with the health services people for finding therapists/psychiatrists in my area that take insurance. Went to work (absolutely beautiful day) and sat around while my coworkers ate lunch. Met a prospective student, finished my presentation, went to class. Class ended and I went to the climbing gym. Less busy than say TWTh evening which was nice. Still kinda busy though. Almost sent the V3/V4 problem I've been working on, I touched the finish hold but was out of energy by then. Came home, ate dinner.

I've put off taxes and grading so I need to do those soon. I'll grade a couple exams in the morning (because my boss asked that we grade some, report back and then continue) and then work on my lit review. My goal is like 7-8 pages so that's just fantastic. I have 0 right now. Hopefully I can actually manage to work on it in the day and finish by a reasonable hour. Otherwise it's another all nighter for me. Well more realistically a 3-4 hourer.

I keep listening to Origami Angel because man that's a fantastic band that I wish I knew about sooner. Maybe could've caught a show in DC in the couple of months I was there before covid put an. So thanks random mixtape I found on youtube the other day. Anyway, they released a surfy punk song today about New Jersey which has a deliciously lo-fi music video. Pretty fun stuff.

Still feeling fine (good?). Not much to report moodwise so I guess I'll keep it at that.

Spring Day 21: Easter

Today was pretty great. Got up at 7 to start cooking and actually made it downstairs by like 7:10. Fried my eggs, prepared the balado (which was too dark and not spicy enough but delicious, it reminds me of the sambal that's been haunting me for years) and had all the telur balado ready by like a little after 9. Showered and remembered that soap isn't enough to remove chili oil (ouch), put on street clothes packed up and was out the door by like 10:10. Weather was absolutely gorgeous. Got to church, put my food in the kitchen, got dressed and waited around for choir practice. Did that, prepared the sacrament and taught one of our knew members how to bless it (he did great). Easter program was very good, if a bit long. Rushed out to start reheating my food for the potluck.

The microwave was sufficient and I plated my rendang and telur balado in bowls I found in the kitchen. They were hits of course. The other food was good too. Table conversation went well. Was dynamic and fun. I was maybe a bit too controlling of it but whatever. At least I was participating and was happy. 

Helped clean up (there was a lot of clean up to do). Went over to play with a cat while its owner was out of town. Talked to the cat for a while about my problems, which was nice. Cat was very affectionate. Got home and lay down for a while (didn't sleep though). Cleaned the kitchen. Sat and talked for a bit. And read stuff? I'm not sure. Prepared my presentation for tomorrow (really bad but hey, I probably won't be selected). Wrote some stuff.

Oh and I got a random text this morning that might be a lead into a network of Indonesian high school principals which I can leverage into my research maybe? Best lead I've got in a while, at least. And yet, still not the best thing to happen today.

Like I said, I felt great today. But not anxious, not feeling pressed. More natural. Not so agitated, I mostly just powered through that presentation instead of getting up to pace every five minutes. Still no idea if my thoughts are different than last time. Or my speech for that matter. I actually made a bit of progress on the question, in a three steps forward one step back sort of way I hope. No answer in sight (that takes a lot) but planted seeds for how to work on it in the future, maybe.  

On Resurrection

We talk about the atonement a lot and how to overcome spiritual death. Which makes sense, seeing as that sickness unto death is something that affects us now, so wanting to know how to push it aside is important in the present. The resurrection, on the other hand doesn't affect us till we're long dead. It's far in the future and very distant to daily lives. There's an interesting duality here. The spiritual side of things is tangible, the physical is intangible. Not how you'd expect it to be, but such is life.

The resurrection is awesome though. Not just the not being dead part. I mean that's great but our intelligences have existed since time immemorial and will always exist afterwards. Death is only something to be feared in the moment, but not from an eternal perspective. No, the resurrection is awesome because bodies are awesome. That's the point of life, merging the spirit with a body. So that's why even spirits should be anticipating resurrection.

The problem with bodies though is that they are created and exist in a fallen world. So they're subject to fallen world things. Sickness and pain, physical and mental. Aging. Hunger. Not being able to do everything we want. So on and so forth. But the resurrection isn't just a return of the spirit to the body. Lazarus wasn't resurrected. Resurrection is the restoration of the body to its divine potential; its pre-fallen state. The bodies we wanted in the premortal life (to an extent I guess. I don't actually know what went on then. Wish I knew but that gets back to that existential question). That's the real power of physical death that defines resurrection. 

It's not that I don't (mostly) like my body but man is that something to look forward to. My brain with chemicals in balance. Not being tired all the time. Not all the other aches and pains of mortal existence, and yet still having it? What a gift and a gift that everyone gets. That's what makes the resurrection special.

 Anyway, just something I've been thinking a lot about this lentan season. 

Spring Day 20

 Today was cooking day. That means I got up at 7:30 and then went back to sleep instead of rushing right to the store. But eventually I made it out of bed and went over to one of the asian grocery stores I hadn't tried. No red peppers and no lime leaves. So then I decided to try the other store I knew about on the other side of the lake. On the way, I stopped at the winter location of the farmers' market (no peppers, no cheese curds). First time I've ever been there. Didn't even know it was a thing until today. Made it to the other Asian market. No lime leaves at all, so I just got limes to zest up. Was able to find bay leaves. And a bag of jalapenos were a couple started to turn slightly red. Closest I got and I needed to go home and start cooking so I accepted it. Also bought more shallots, which ended up being a good idea because I barely had enough for the rendang, let alone the telur balado. 

Was really tired (got up early and biked around the lake basically on a whim) so after getting home I ate lunch, showered and took a brief nap. Was really lazy to get downstairs and start cooking. Making the spice paste took like two hours. So many cloves of garlic and shallots to peel. And removing the skin from my galangal. Plus grinding took forever even with a blender because nothing wanted to blend (and even by the end, it probably wasn't smooth enough). I also didn't bother measuring my powdered spices (most recipes I drew from asked for fresh versions) so that balance probably ended up off.

Actually cooking the rendang was fairly easy. Fry the spices, add coconut cream (I likely used too much, next time just a liter per kilo of meat), add the meat and then stir every once and a while. Of course, it reduced much slower than I wanted (too much coconut milk probably) and took over three hours for the oil to separate from everything else and really reduce to a paste over the meat. Unsurprisingly, the beef rendang tastes a lot better than the rabbit one (which is tougher). Even the beef could be softer in my opinion though. At first I was pretty disappointed with how it turned out, but once the rendang cooled down and the flavors started to settle it tasted a lot better so hopefully by tomorrow it will be very good. 

Pathfinder went well, even if I was cooking for half the time while we chatted. For like the first time ever, I used a cantrip to good effect. Well, not really to good effect but it was so desperate and funny that the DM rolled with it. Those coral golems got a good scare from the sound of parrotfish. First encounter in a while, first game in a while really. 

After patherfinder I cleaned up the kitchen more (including both of the woks I was using) and then started boiling eggs. Got all 25 of them boiled (which took way too long), peeled half of them and then wrote this.

I'm quite tired, which is a good thing. I should be tired, I keep getting up early, going to bed late and being active. Felt pretty good, as I have been doing. I continue to ignore my work (in this case the lit review due Wednesday). That's gonna be an all nighter one.

Sayings on the Cross: Reunion

And when Jesus had cried out with a loud voice, He said, “Father, into Thy hands I commend My spirit.” And having said thus, He gave up the ghost. -Luke 23:36. KJ21

Spring Day 19

I forgot to set my alarm to go climbing, but woke up at 7:15 anyway. Still managed to get there later than I meant to though (I went back to sleep for about 20 minutes, after setting my alarm). Continue to progress on some of the problems I've been working on. I really like Friday morning climbs because there's so few people there. 

Went to go teach, got 30 minutes through when the fire alarm went off and abruptly ended the lecture. Talked to some people in the lounge and then went to work. Well, sitting on my computer not recorded the bit of the lecture I hadn't done. Ate lunch, finished grading the late assignments and then recorded the last bits before going to my last class. Did that and then talked with the graduate student coordinator about my advisor situation. Except apparently the faculty decided to give me an exception to keep my old advisor as my current advisor, so that was all cleared up. Hung out in the other lounge, chatting about life and stuff. Went home. Stopped at one asian market on the way home. Was able to get coconut cream, shallots and star anise but not really much else. Tried the other one nearby and got banana leaves (not for easter but I wanted them anyway) but not anything else I was looking for. Walmart had the tomatoes and meat I wanted but still no red chilies (well red chilies that aren't birds eyes). So I'll check yet another asian market tomorrow to hopefully get those, kaffir lime leaves (this blog is now banned in South Africa) and a couple other ingredients I've been searching for. But really just the chilies are essential, can't do telur balado without them. 

Rested for a bit and then butchered the rabbit (well finished butchering). Not much meat (I got just under a kilo from the initial 4 pounds), definitely better for sate than rendang, but that's why I got another kilo of beef just in case. So there will be a little bit under 2 kilos of meat. Which is fine because the sauce is the best part anyway. That took up most of my night. Then I wrote about how amazing I am (even if my genius is unrecognized) and did this.

Felt good today, but I like I've been saying, with less pacing and anxiety than a couple weeks ago. I feel happy and calm, in a way and it's not just because of the beautiful weather. Thought about the question a lot, which is dumb because I won't even ask the damn question. They're happy thoughts though, not anxious ones. Of course it's easy to be happy when you keeping yourself in ignorance. 

Oh I forgot to mention that yesterday I committed to watching the extended edition of RotK on the big screen in like two weeks. Definitely worth skipping institute for.  

Sayings on the Cross: Triumph

Therefore when Jesus had taken the vinegar, he said, It is ended. And when his head was bowed down, he gave up the ghost. -John 19:30, Wycliffe Bible

Spring Day 18

 Woke up and kept hitting that snooze button because it was yet another day I didn't want to start. Showered and went off to work. Had hardly gone five minutes when I turned around because I realized I forgot my lunch and forgot to put the rabbit in the fridge to defrost, so I went back and did that. Took the long way to work again to look at the loons (and mergansers and coots. I love going by the lake this time of year). Was beautiful. Graded papers and mostly finished grading them. Played games, taught my sections and went home. Set up for movie night. A few people came and we had a good time. Ordered pizza and everything. Showed them the wall. Sat around reading some stuff and then wrote. Realized that God knows that I'm not asking the question with sincere intent to act, so maybe that's another part of why I'm getting no answer (also, it's just something I need to figure out myself blah blah blah)

Tagged this one with goals so that I remember a couple things I want to talk about later

• How to do Your Name right
• On Folklore

Moodwise, I was pretty good. Maybe a little down in the morning, but not far from what I think "normal" is supposed to be. I noticed I was a lot more focused on grading papers than a couple weeks ago and less annoyed with the students. Basically no pacing too. But there's a lot of confounding factors (question less on my mind? A bit more removed from a depressive state? easier assignment to grade?) and I don't want to get caught up in confirmation bias either. Felt quite good in the evening but that's because movie night went well. 

Sayings on the Cross: Distress

 Later, knowing that everything had now been finished, and so that Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, “I am thirsty.” - John 19:28, NIV

Spring Day 17

Got up, waited out the dregs of the storm and went to my office. Chatted with coworkers and prospective students for a bit before going to the seminar. Seminar was fine. After the seminar, discussed my identification strategy with classmates. They agree that this makes the most sense for my question but that's not really what I needed. Chatted more. Held office hours and just chatted with people since no one ever comes. Got food and then graded papers (about 1/4 of the way done and only in like an hour. Also a lot less pacing than last time I was grading. Probably less irritated too?)

Institute was really good. We covered the feeding of the 5000 and Jesus Walking on Water, which are well known stories but I actually got a lot out of them. Was quite talkative, since I had lots of thoughts and well I like to make them known, especially if others aren't being talkative. Econ seminar rules! I'll one thought I had (and shared) was about the feeding of the 5000 and I'll record the synopsis below because I'm pretty proud of it.

I've seen before people to try explain, or really deny, the nature of this miracle as being the result of people adding to the baskets as they were passed around, rather than the bread being miraculously duplicated. But like, if anything that's a greater miracle. Any common god can create something out of nothing or command the physical realm. But to change the hearts of the people and make them want to become better, more charitable? That's the point of the atonement and the true power of God. The enact a mighty change of heart, to cause people to want to act in accordance with God. That's much more miraculous than any sort of duplication of bread could ever be.

Makoto Shinkai night continues to go forward; people actually want to come. Ended up keeping it just to work people since more interest was registered than I expected and well the question still looms (no time to answer it). So I gotta clean the house tomorrow and do things like send out a time and address. 

Couple of songs I hadn't heard before but stuck out to me today. Bossa Nova Corps by Origami Angel ("I don't see what you see in me, like I'm some sort of deity"). In context, this seems to be about fame and how people now treat the narrator differently now that he's famous. But having been there in a very different context, man did that hurt. There's little scarier than someone telling you that you're like a god to them, utterly adored in a worshipful sense. Teenagers/very young adults suck. The other song was Running Wide Open by Coma Cinema ("I let the years go by I let no one know what's inside My broken heart keeps a beat just fine I don't want to die no more"). Dunno what the context is but those lines hit hard for obvious reasons. I was really bad as a teenager, convinced that I should die young, preferably in a shootout with the FBI. And well, that's not what I want in life anymore. Hasn't been for a long time.

Moodwise, I guess I was normal today. Talkative, fairly cheery even? Not to anxious or agitated, even concerning the (unanswered) question. Definitely not sad, though maybe just a bit more melancholic than yesterday? I dunno.

Sayings on the Cross: Abandonment

 wbatša‘ šā‘yin: q‘ā’ yešua‘ bqālā’ rāmā’ we’mar, ’ēl ’ēl lmānā’ šbaqtāni di’aiteyh ’elāhi ’elāhi lmānā’ šbaqtāni - Mark 15:34, Peshitta 

Spring Day 16

 Did not finish my sayings of the cross post, or grading. So Wednesday will be busy.

Got up, went voting. Came home, didn't get right to work. Had a call with Jason while a student tried to convince me he didn't turn in an assignment late, even though I could see he was never on the website the day he claimed to have turned it in. Had my access appointment. Pretty standard, at first I was pretending to not have extensively studied this but eventually I was like "yeah, definitely have atypical depression and possibly hypomania, my main goal is a diagnosis". Anyway, I have an appointment Monday to help me find a therapist/psychiatrist outside the university system since that gives me more flexibility. Still didn't work on much in the evening or afternoon, but eventually I did at least get my homework done. Low productivity will be the death of me.

Still feel fine. Not great, but certainly not terrible. I'm tired of everything but that's cause I probably need a break (spent lots of time just thinking about heading to the mountains for part of the summer). Ate way too much easter candy.

Spring Day 15

I did not grade today. But I did make it to the office before noon. During lunch, moved forward with setting up Makoto Shinkai night. Interest has been registered, so time to extend some broader invitations I guess. Finished my presentation (was not called on, which is good except that I had some good jokes set up for it). Went to class, came home, ate dinner and browsed reddit. Not much to say about such a day; it was very typical.

Topic on my mind while commuting was how to do a westernized live action Your Name adaptation right and oh do I have opinions on it. They will probably make it to this blog sooner than later. Also even more impressed that I found my glove yesterday, given the massive thunderstorms we had between losing it and finding it. Whoever hung it there did a very good job.

At this point, I'm pretty sure I really am in a normal state. I've gone back to doing things like wasting time on reddit, I'm pacing a lot less, less anxious etc. I don't feel utterly overwhelmed and hopeless, even if I have no direction. No creative drives but at least I can work (and will need to tomorrow, poor students want their grades). My appointment is tomorrow, hopefully I can get forwarded to a psychiatrist despite feeling fine. Oh tomorrow is also election day, which is a good reason to wake up early and get a good start to my day.  

Sayings on the Cross: Relationships

When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, “Woman, behold, your son!”  Then he said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home. -John 19:26-27, ESV

Spring Day 14

 Woke up before 7, lay in bed half asleep until 8. Got up, shaved and showered before heading off to the church for choir practice. Did choir (was mostly basses that showed up, hilariously enough) and then headed south for a conference watching session. Was late. Was only 5 miles but I got lost in the suburbs which added like 10 minutes as I went up and down hills and looked for where I was supposed to turn. Ate crepes and watched conference. Got a ride home, worked on some stuff (can't remember what?). 

Watched the afternoon session. Jakarta temple was a shock. I actually started getting messages about it before it was announced on my feed and the idea of Jakarta actually getting a temple (plus not) seemed so unlikely that I wondered if somehow Addis had skipped the queue. Anyway, super happy for the members there and excited to see where it's sited and what the design will be. Guess I got a reason to go back in 5 years or so (I miss Indonesia so much; I just want to go back. Also, "On Jakarta" would be a good post. Talk about a city that I have a very complicated relationship with). Was too hyped to work and the day was absolutely beautiful so I went on another bike ride, down to the boardwalk. Saw multiple flocks of pelicans on the lake and miraculously saw my missing glove hanging on the railing. Who knows how many days it had been hanging there (very deliberately) but I'm glad someone found it and no one wanted it. 

Went home, made dinner and slowly finished my blogpost and then read through the paper I need to prepare a presentation for tomorrow (each drawing is with replacement, so it's just as unlikely I'll be called three times in a row as it is being called on twice in a row and any other given person being called on this time). No grading today, I swear tomorrow I'll get to it.

In general, conference was very good. Despite going in with no questions, I had lots of impressions (not any closer to answering the question or the other question though. Not that I was expecting answers) and like, it just felt good. Definitely one of the better ones for me in a while, probably because I've been spiritually better than I have been for a long time. Ballard's talk hit me hard, not just because it sounds like it may be his last one, but the whole emphasis on relationships and how essential they are; how much we need to cultivate them (and needing to follow up quickly to date his future wife, who was just so much friendlier and more popular than him).

Moodwise, I felt pretty good overall. Obviously, I was overjoyed for a while but that was very contextual and without anxiety, plus it faded in a few hours as I got back to the grind. I seem to be able to concentrate and not pace/be agitated than "normal" though normal probably isn't normal. So I whatever my problem is (appointment 1 of who knows how many Tuesday!), I don't think I'm suffering in this moment. And whatever anxiety I may or may not have, it's different than when I first started talking about it. It's more of the shy, not wanting to bother people anxiety, than a pressing "this is hurting me and making my thoughts run in circles" anxiety. It's weird, because it's not like my situation or circumstances have really changed for how they were before. I'm still stuck here, with no idea why, with no progress on my research (backwards even since February!). I'm still lonely (in someways but importantly in ways I was before). I still haven't answered the question. But I think that might be the point, that these come and go unnaturally almost. I may have spent too much effort trying to identify triggers (which to be fair, there are certainly times I've had triggered bad moods) instead of recognizing the underlying cycle, even attributing down points in the long term cycle to these triggers rather than being well part of a cycle. But we'll see.  

Sayings on the Cross: Salvation

And he said to him: “Truly I tell you today, you will be with me in Paradise.”- Luke 23:43, NWT

Spring Day 13

Got up, showered and prepared for general conference. Listened to the first session while working on my first easter post (and taking notes). Really like Stevenson's talk, since a greater focus on Easter is something I've been working on this year. Among other things. Eyring's talk was also really good, so the session was well bookended. 

Went to my office to grade but by the time I got there (out the house late and also I saw some hooded mergansers so I just had to try to photo them), I only had a couple minutes before I had to leave to go watch the afternoon session at a friend's house. Session was good but I liked the first session more. Returned to my office and did not grade. Instead I looked up the cost of renting Weathering with You (apparently I got Your Name on sale, should've bought WWY when I had a chance) because I'm thinking about doing a Makoto Shinkai night this week before Suzume comes out next week. Will talk with work friends to see if any are interested and if so, will extend it out the ward as well. Then since I'm having charger problems, went to order a new charger and gloves (since I lost that mitten earlier this week). Haven't bought anything yet though because I need to measure my hand first.

Watched the last session in my office. It was very good, especially the last two speakers. Nattress hit really hard and would've hit even harder a few months ago when I was still trying to commit to (mentally/emotionally) coming back. The other part that got to me was about taking the next step, seeking the next ordinance. This probably won't be the year I get married, but it is time to put myself back on the market. Uceda inspired me to really think about my stewardship and consider both how I can reach out to every person individually and also what I need to do to find the one. 

Went home. The sky was really pretty tonight. I think I saw Orion (I'm not good with constellations, as much as I love the night sky). Lots of deer at the deer watching spot. At this rate they're gonna start recognizing me. Finished my first easter post and then did this. I guess I'll go upstairs and either read some old notes or play video games. Definitely not grading tonight.

Is this what normal feels like? It's easy to forget when I'm in a depressive spiral (or in a hypomanic episode if I get those as well. Which like I said, I think I do but I need to talk with a psychiatrist about. Also I think that my last one actually might have started on Monday of spring break, with all those grandiose (?) thoughts. I just might be the sort of person where it manifests as more anxiety/irritation than elation). I'm not sad. I'm not overly anxious (though maybe I have nothing to be anxious about?). I'm not pacing as much, my focus is a bit better without needing to constantly get up. I don't feel so overwhelmed by everything. And of course, there's not really a reason that things should have changed. And yet they have. More to talk with the shrink, I guess.

Sayings on the Cross: Forgiveness

Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.  -Luke 23:34, KJV