Pre-Summer Day 1

After going to bed around 11:30, I woke up around 2ish. Thrashed around and eventually fell back asleep. Such is depression. At least I wasn't too stressed about it. Woke up for real around 8:30. Had a lot of trouble getting out of bed. I just didn't want to do anything. I cried a bit. I think I eventually pulled myself out by 10ish? Showered and eventually made it downstairs to eat lunch before going to the office, supposedly to work.

Biked slowly to the office (it was a nice, if too hot day). I didn't do any work. I did figure out which therapist is probably the best choice but I didn't call up the office. At some point I was just listening to music with my head buried in my arms on my desk. Eventually I decided I would just go home, so I slowly biked home (it was hot).

I curled up on my bed, falling in and out of half sleep. Not because I was tired but because I didn't want to do anything. Couldn't pull myself to do anything. Eventually I was able to reheat some dinner even if I didn't really want to eat. Had a zoom call about work (the other boss, not the one I've been waiting to get an assignment from). Sat around some more. Made some grilled cheese, not because I was hungry but because I knew I needed more calories. Eventually got around to writing this.

I've been listening to AJJ (shame they chickened out and changed their name)'s new album. It's good but I definitely prefer the rawness of their earlier stuff. Maybe because I'm still a nihilistic, misanthropic teenager at heart. When I decided to go home, I was hoping I'd have the energy to play the bass, maybe start a new song (Press Gang Redux) but of course I didn't. I didn't have the energy for anything. Just like how I didn't write about the 3 main ways I experience depression and how I've learned to deal with them. Even though I wanted to write about that.

I'm feeling better than earlier, in that I'm not feeling anything at all. I'm tired, despite all that sleep. I feel empty, but not particularly sad at the moment. I just have no motivation to do anything. I'm sure tomorrow I'll also feel bad and will likely continue to feel so until it just fades one day. But I have some events scheduled at least.

My sunburn really doesn't feel as bad as it could either. 

Memorial Day 2023

I'm sad, so sad. It took me an hour to write three paragraphs about my day yesterday. I don't want to do anything except curl up in my bed and pity myself. I've cried (with and without tears) several times writing this and the last post. And it's not like anything bad happened today. On the contrary, today was awesome (like the rest of this weekend). One of the best Memorial Days I've had in years and I tend to have good Memorial Days. 

I got up at 5:30 to go count birds (I traded my camping Saturday for today). For once, I actually got out of bed and was pretty much ready to go a little after six. I had an orange and yogurt. I went to my office, did the survey and didn't find anything. Next up was a pancake breakfast about 9 miles away. Honestly, I wasn't exactly feeling it but I promised the host I'd go and I'm really glad I did. 

Pancakes were delicious (I had two) and we played Catch Phrase after, which was fun. Then me and another guy decided to get inner tubes to join in on a river floating expedition. So we did that and somehow made it to the meet up point before everyone else. Others got there and then we carpooled up to the launch point. Tubes/boards filled and off we went. I half swam, half tubed for a while. Eventually we decided to do a big link up and at that point I ended up attached to the kayak (which like wasn't super intentional but worked out nice since the two kayakers happened to be people I quite like and get along with. Not that I have any problem with the rest of the group, just those two are in my upper half). When the link fell apart I asked if the kayakers were okay with dragging me; they were and so off we went. 

We visited a sandbar and then caught up with the rest of the group. Lots of chatting, getting to know one another better. Tossing the Frisbee around between paddleboards. Swimming. Just having fun. We stopped for lunch on a sandbar. I ate a PB&J (but not a very full one) and half a muffin. We went out again. Still had much further to go. Much of the same continued, doesn't need much mentioning here. Eventually we made it to the destination. Got very sunburned because of insufficient sunscreen; I wanted to even out my farmers tan but alas.

It was around 6 at that point so I'd been up for over 12 hours, had biked over 13 miles, swam a bunch and was generally tired. The guy I rode over with was going to the launch site to get the cars we left there and since my bike was left at the house of one of the kayakers, I asked if it would be okay to squeeze into his pickup truck. Despite seating only 2, they were okay with that (I would've been fine waiting and made this clear) and so off we went. Dropped the one not driving home and then went to where I started. Loaded my inner tub on the bike and off I went, 13 miles to go.

The only real event on the way home was getting chased by a goose. They were on the path so I waited until they moved off (hissing at me the whole time). After that I thought I was in the clear but as soon as I turned my back one of the adults came at me as I stumbled away. As mentioned, the rest was uneventful. 

Got home, ate a slice of pizza and showered. Began writing my entry for yesterday as an overwhelming sense of unhappiness, like I haven't really felt since March. I guess the high from positive stimulii finally wore off. It didn't even take me too much by surprise, since as I mentioned, my appetite and general desire to do things has been dropping. I hate feeling like this and it's quite clear at this point there's no cause. Maybe depressive cycles make me more sensitive to stress and relationship issues and the like, but most of these episodes probably don't have a cause; as I used to think they did. Really hoping that I'll feel better tomorrow or at least soon, but if not, oh well. I got work to do.

I was already planning on calling the therapist tomorrow but now I am really planning on it. Shame though, I had hoped to start while I was euthymic.

Weird Period Day 7

Slept for a decent amount of time for once. Maybe 7 hours? Showered and decided to bike to church because it was a beautiful day. Church was fine. About the only thing special was that someone threw out our bread so we ended up using crackers for the sacrament.

Went home and slept + did some online shopping (new shoes + summer gym membership). Went over to the park to play frisbee and spikeball (like I said a beautiful day). Went over to a friend who's moving's house to say goodbye and play games. Went home, having learned that I lost my back light somewhere. Overall a very good day.

You might have noticed that I didn't talk about eating. I had some pizza and cookies and that's about it. I just wasn't really hungry. That's because I'm entering a depressive state I think. It's hard to say because I've been putting myself in situations to keep my mood up (but more on that in my next post).

Weird Period Day 6

 Got up at 5:30 to go count dead birds. Made it out of bed by 600 (though I didn't really go back to sleep, I was just finding it hard to get out of bed) and was out the door by 6:30. Didn't find any dead birds. Just one more of these to go. Got McDs (I was hungry) and then headed over to the Arboretum for service. We were clearing out garlic mustard and dame's rocket and there were a lot of both. At least it was shady. 

Ate pizza with the ward and then got a ride to the baptism. Baptism was fine, I gave the closing prayer. Went home. Went to the festival. Hung out with people. Ate ice cream (very good) and played cornhole (won one, lost one. But we were making a good comeback at the end and just got unlucky that the other team got 21 perfectly their first try). Went home. 

Found a tick on my chest, which is a weird place for a tick to be. Not sure if I got it while clearing plants or from laying on the grass for 5 minutes at the festival. Probably service but why would it attach there? Looked like an American Dog Tick. Anyway, now I have to wait and see if I get sick in the next few days. It wasn't attached very long (8 hours at most probably) based on the lack of engorgement. I couldn't find tweezers and it was real stubborn getting out. Dental floss didn't work, the cotton swap trick didn't work. Eventually I got it out with my fingers, which is ill-advised but luckily I got the mouthpiece out too (or rather, got the tick out in one piece). Took a little chunk of flesh with it. 

Did the climbing party. Had fun playing random music, didn't climb much since I live here and can use the wall whenever I want. Good food. That went from 7 till after 10. Watched some Alone with roommate. Went up to my room to do this. Will probably watch the second episode of Unicorn Warriors Eternal after this, before finally sleeping.

I spent like 11 hours today with people, so that was pretty exhausting even if I enjoyed it (She was one of the few people I could stand to spend that much time with). Also I'm just tired in general, on account of lack of sleep and high amount of work/energy spent. Will exercise a lot in the next few days again just cause how the holiday weekend works. I'm glad I'm tired when I'm happy (am I happy? I think I am?). Means it's probably genuine happiness. I also made a bit of progress on the question, so yay? At least, I think I did. 

Weird Period Day 5

Yeah, I got home at midnight so I didn't bother doing this then. I was exhausted (even if I didn't go to sleep for another hour). 

Got up at 730 to go to the festival and get vouchers for free brats (because I showed up on Friday morning on a bike). Was annoying finding the line for bikes, but eventually got 2 vouchers worth $5 each. Used one and saved the other for Saturday. Went home and went back to sleep for like an hour and half. Maybe a bit less.

Still no news on the work front. Looked through dropbox a bit. Sat around. Made sure my white pants fit. Sat around. Got dressed and waited to get picked up. Rode to Chicago. Went to the temple (first endowment session in like 5+ years). Mostly remembered how things worked. At least, they came back to me. It was good. Went home. 

Talked a lot, since the car ride is 2 hours each way. Was nice learning more about them (even though I did know all of them decently well; we went camping together just the week before after all) and sharing more about my own life. We all joked about how Sunday's devotional was like personal attacks.

Weird Period Day 4

So between not falling asleep until after 3 and my foot hurting, I decided to not go running today. So after getting up at 7 I went back to sleep for another hour or two. Got up, showered, saw that I still don't have any work assignments and began prepping for cooking. I think?

Made gado2, which was a first for me. I blended the peanuts (not fresh, but unsalted dry roasted which was the closest I could get) and made the peanut sauce. Then I marinated and fried the tofu and tempe. I overcooked my cabbage but the other veggies (potatoes, green beans, bean sprouts and spinach) turned out well. Finally, I made sambal tomat, though it probably needed more tomatoes. Maybe. Took a long time because my workflow was very inefficient (a second cook would've been quite helpful) but it turned out well. Hit with the missionaries and roommates and was basically all eaten up (except the peanut sauce and sambal because there was so much of that). We ate outside because it was really nice and there was more space.

After that I did dishes and lay around. Read up on some family history stuff. Wrote this. Going to bed soon because I'm tired. 

ugh

It's 2:30 and I'm tired but also can't fall asleep. Usually insomnia doesn't bother me that much but maybe right now it is because I don't really have anything keeping me up? I'm not anxious about or excited by anything. There's nothing on my mind really. Is it just ennui? Is it my bad diet? I don't know. 

I gotta get up early too, to go running.

Weird Period Day 3

Woke up like an hour before my alarm. Which ehh whatever. But I do note when this happens. Didn't actually get up until like 9, definitely went back to sleep for a while. Very lazily made it out of bed and showered. Weight is dropping which is good but I wonder if I'm losing my appetite. At lunch.

Went to my office, sat around. Did games at English corner. Went back to my office (but had no work because my boss hasn't responded to my email). Went to McDs and ate a couple sandwiches. Learned there's some pretty cool bands playing this summer at the Union so I marked those in my calendar. Went to go donate blood. Wasn't allowed to because my hemoglobin was too low (11.6) but I still got my beach towel (didn't even have to ask). 

Institute was good, though I don't have much worth saying about it. I went to a lesson with the missionaries afterwards. We probably started a little before 9 and didn't end till 10. But it was good, even if the missionaries weren't quite adaptive enough to the circumstances and focused a bit much on the lesson they had prepared. We started by talking about repentance, which eventually lead to me talking about my mental problems (which the guy could relate to, though his depression was/is clearly a lot worse than mine. He apparently really liked that I'm accepting of my condition and treat is not as a cause or result of sin, but just a part of me) and also just flat out saying what I had to repent for. It was surprisingly easy. Anyway, rest of the lesson doesn't need comment, but the guy is a good guy, seems to have a solid head on his shoulders and was asking good questions.

Went home. As I was almost home, I heard a horrible screaming sound coming from the bushes. Pretty sure something was getting killed, and slowly. Or possibly a nest was being raided. Poked around the bushes but didn't find the source. Did find a racoon, but it might have been the racoon I saw go into the bushes after the screaming already started. Should've recorded it but alas.

On Rejection

DSM-5 defines atypical depression as a subtype of major depressive disorder that presents with "atypical features", characterized by: ... Long-standing pattern of interpersonal rejection sensitivity (not limited to episodes of mood disturbance) that results in significant social or occupational impairment.

Reading that on wikipedia a few months ago was a key part in realizing that yes, I have depression. I mean that whole article was putting into words what I felt and why I felt like I didn't have "real" depression but seeing that was like "wait a second, that's me. That's that weird part of my anxiety, the reason I didn't recognize that I was socially anxious because it's the only big part of it." 

No one like rejection, but I've always wondered why I so fear rejection. Why I hobble myself so much instead of taking chances that all sorts of people, nerds even, take all the time. No completely, I'm mostly fine with being rejected by a job, at least before interviews (though maybe my rejection sensitivity manifests in sending out fewer applications than I should?). It's not just romantic rejections either. I don't go to events out of fear that people don't really want me there (luckily I've gotten a lot better about that one). And work. Why have I had so much trouble finding a co-advisor? Because I'm afraid to ask because I don't want to be rejected. It's part of why I was not a very good missionary.

I tell myself things like "well I just don't want to be intrusive." But that's an excuse; it's just me trying to frame my anxiety, my sensitivity as a good thing when it's not. A couple minutes is not intrusive. 

It's not like I even take actual rejection that badly. Like yeah I was hurt when the Rebound said no (in such a polite way too!). But I got over that pretty fast, I didn't hurt myself or anything. Just walked around in the cold and cleared my thoughts (though those couple of days were super stressful/depressing for reasons beyond just her. See here which was published after I asked but before she responded, about an event that happened before I asked). I can generally understand why I am rejected. There's usually not much hard feelings (except for Her, in the aftermath. But not now).

That's not to say it's all good. I probably give too much space afterwards, out of a misguided "well I don't want to appear pushy" instinct. Makes it seem like my whole point in building friendships was just to try for a relationship, when it really wasn't. Basically ruined the blossoming friendship between the Rebound and I, which sucked because she's cool and I didn't want to lose that friendship.    

I'm better than I used to be, even if I am still a nervous wreck. My coworkers love my prom story (which gets more absurd with each retelling). The crux of it is that I knew (!) and I still didn't ask Her to prom because I was so afraid of Her rejecting me. She literally asked me on a date like 3 days before prom! So I'm not that bad anymore. Even if I'm still pretty bad. 

So why do I fear rejection? Why do I let this anxiety control me? Why won't I ask the damn question? I know that I'm being irrational. I know that it's just my mind playing tricks on me. I know that I don't need to (and won't) wreck our friendship if the answer is no. I'm okay with no in fact, because I really value our friendship that much. So why can't I ask it? Why do I find every excuse to let it remain a question? 

Is it perfectionism? Is it just an irrational fear of rejection? Do I think I'm happier this way, imagining many lives that could be rather than taking a step to close them off into something more concrete? Does the liminality excite me? 

And why do I let it spill into my professional life? It's funny. I have no issue going to professors to ask questions. Or to argue. But as soon as it comes to forming a relationship that help myself, suddenly I can't do it. At all. Because I'm scared of rejection.

I really need a better therapist than this blog, anime and random music playlists. Though I'm not sure what the point is. I know my way of thinking is wrong, that everything will be okay and I just catastrophize because that's what I do, not because it is realistic. Does hearing it from someone else really make a difference? Or is it about having a stronger commitment mechanism?  

Weird Period Day 2

I done goofed again. But you know, I think this time I'll be fine. Which is weird, because this is normally the sort of thing that sends me into a depressive spiral. But like, instead I might have talked myself through it, out of it. Is this therapy? Am I helping myself get better?

 I stayed up way too late (like 4:30) reading through old messages. Specifically, I found one from December 2013 that was interesting and tried to find more like it. The basic gist was "I feel so good, like I'm high. I'm not tired at all even though I only got 3.5 hours of sleep." Which in retrospect sounds a lot like a hypomanic episode, though I don't think it lasted very long. There's also the wrinkle that there was context for why I might have felt this way (reconciliation with Her...that relationship really was toxic) which shouldn't be the case for hypomania. But the part about not feeling tired and also feel so good is spot on for it. 

Anyway, since I stayed up late, I didn't end up waking up til like 930. Showered, got dressed, went to the climbing gym, did some problems (my foot and leg still hurt a bit). Went to my office. Sent some emails. I need to contact my other boss and see what she wants done on our maps project. 

Saw in discord paddleboarding was happening again today (which I bailed on last week). Didn't have my swim stuff at my office this time and had some errands to do, but figured I might be able to squeeze it in. Went home, stopping at the Asian market on the way to get food for Thursday. Then rushed over to Walmart to get other food. Wasn't ready to leave for paddleboarding until 5:30, which meant I'd be too late to actually do it. So I wasn't sure if I'd want to go (20 mile round trip ride and all) and left it up to an oracle (drawing a skittle blind from a bag. Red meant go, anything else meant stay). Oracle said no, but I felt that I wanted to, which is the whole point of doing these oracle things, so I decided to go. Felt a strong impression that I was making the right choice, which is weird because I didn't ask and it is such an inconsequential thing anyway. Also I never get impressions even vaguely related to the question except figure it out yourself, so like I said, unexpected.

Went to the park, was like an hour late of course so no one was there. Which is fine and what I was expected. Just getting a long ride in before my rest days was nice. So I explored around a bit and might have a shortcut which is only sort of trespassing. Then I went to find where the bird conservatory was. On my way back home, I decided to refill my water bottle at the fountain next to the parking lot. Did that and as I was pulling out I noticed the group getting their boards out the water. And this is where the goof comes in. Instead of going over to say hi, I bolt, cursing my cowardice as I race off into the night. 

The whole ride home (and I took a long way) I was trying to figure out why I did that. I was invited to the event, so it's not like I was intruding. Not only that, but I like everyone in the group and hang out with all of them fairly frequently. And these are people that personally invite me to things so like the feeling is mutual enough. I was even planning on meeting people as they got back (before I went to look for the bird conservatory) so being late was already scripted. So why did I do that? 

I think what I figured out goes something like this. In general, I don't like feeling intrusive and I use that as an excuse to enable my social anxiety. Even though I was invited, I felt like I was intruding just because I was so late. But not like consciously so. Enough to trigger my flight mechanism though. Since I was basically in autopilot (was just getting water and all) that was enough for my instincts to take over, the ones that I've been trying to overcome (and have been doing a pretty good job at). 

Understanding that, I then figured out how I can be better next time. First of all, not bolting and instead just heading over and being honest. Hey, I was running errands and knew I'd be late but wanted to get the exercise in, so I came anyway. Good to see y'all. Also I didn't need to do the Walmart trip today. If I had just done the Asian Market, went home (I needed my swimsuit after all) and gone up, I would've made it in time and everything would've been fine and I could have hung out with my friends on the lake. So I just need to prioritize better, especially when notice is short. And I know that I do want to prioritize these relationships. I really do and I think the fact that I tried to go showed that. So I'm going to continue making decisions that prioritize that.

And when I got home, I was pretty much calm. I'm mostly able to laugh at myself, instead of hating myself. And I felt the spirit like "hey, you've learned some important things about yourself. Maybe not how or what you wanted, but you're growing. You're getting better" which is really nice.

So I dun goofed. And that's okay. We all do. Yes I'm a socially anxious person who just puts on fake confidence (nori eyebrows, anyone?) And that's okay. Because I'm finally starting identify my problems and maybe even fix them. I should find a real therapist though (well, psychiatrist ideally but maybe I'm being a bit too perfectionistic and looking down on regular therapists too much). So it's not just me and the void.

Weird Period Day 1

Got up, slowly got ready for the day. Eventually ate lunch and then went to do some trainings just to see my certification I did years ago is still valid. And I don't have access to the class I am grading for, so that's weird too. Gotta get that cleared up tomorrow along with figuring out exactly how I am getting paid (do I need to log all my hours or just the grading ones?)

Did a quick bike ride to the boardwalk. There was a calm swallow but otherwise not much on the bird front. Went to FHE. Came home, helped project some problems for the wall. That's about it for today. 

I'm tired, fatigued even but feel fine (I think?) Need to run a bunch of errands tomorrow, both for work and personally. I also have a rant that's been on my mind but didn't get to today.

Camping- May 2023

Combining the last few days into a single entry since it's a weird flux time anyway. Only some of the days actually had camping. 

So Friday was a lazy day. I played Xenoblade DLC and generally did stuff at home. In the afternoon, I packed my bag, managed to get all my stuff on the back of my bike (including the tent) and went to meet up for a carpool. After getting to the site, we went to the lake and then started prepping the fire and getting coals ready. I did not help much, which was fine. Dinner was good, we had an annoyingly friendly racoon want to invade our campsite. Put up my new pup-tent a little before dark. Sat around talking and listening to people. It was nice.

Woke up with the sun and stayed in my sleeping bag for like an extra 40 minutes because it was cold outside. Went out of my tent around six, helped eat breakfast and then break camp. Most people left at that point but I went hiking with my ride. We went up to a little cave and saw some cool birds (Indigo Bunting, a nuthatch, maybe some Scarlet Tanagers) on our hike. I hiked well enough given my hurt foot and all. Got a ride home directly to my house, so after resting a bit (and playing Xenoblade) I took the bus up to campus. Since it was weekend schedule and my foot still hurt, I ended up renting an e-bike to go the rest of the way instead of walking or waiting for the last bus (about equal times either way). First time riding such a bike and it was heavy and awkward but also ran real fast and smooth. Got my bike, stopped in the arboretum on the way home to do a trail I hadn't done in a while. Saw a red-bellied woodpecker and heard either a pileated woodpecker (are those actually around here? I feel like I only see Red-bellied woodpeckers and hairy/downy woodpeckers) or a belted kingfisher (or possibly a flicker. Actually it was probably a flicker except that I was near water so kingfisher is a possibility). After getting home, I ate dinner and then caught up on Rick and Morty, watched the first episode of Unicorn Eternal Warriors (what beautiful animation) and then watched FLCL since I've been meaning to watch for like 15 years. By like two in the morning I was pretty tired, so I set aside the last half of the final episode for later. 

Woke up and finished FLCL. Good show, I love how it plays with animation as a medium while still delivering a solid story about growing up. I wish I had watched it 15 years ago when I would've been just a bit older than Naota. Not that things like "Nothing can happen until you swing the bat" don't still hit me now. Showered and got ready for church. Rode my bike up (it was a beautiful day), prepared the sacrament and church went as normal. Sunday school was good too. Since there was a watch party for the devotional, it made more sense to just hang out in my office until that (cut off about 7 miles from my total for the day). So I went to my office and read more of Infinite Jest. 2 and a half hours (with a tiny nap) got me like 90 pages further, what a dense book. I'm like a quarter of the way through now though. Rode 9 miles to watch the devotional and made good time. Felt really called out, especially given how I'm not answering the question and not doing a good job dating. Chat for a bit. Rode home, ate dinner and basically collapsed because I'm tired and did like 30 miles on a microwave burrito. Got up and wrote this.

Feeling fine to good emotionally. But not too good, I think. Hopefully I can stay this way a while longer.

Resting Day 9

Alarm went off at 6:30 (as planned) and since I actually went to bed early, I got up just fine. Left home at 7:20, took exactly 38 minutes to get to my friend's house. We started the run around 8:20. I kept pace just fine, though our pace was slower than I'd like (around 11 minutes per mile, for a 4 mile run like today my goal pace is closer to 8. Gotta work up to that though). Might've hurt my foot though, because of course I did. Went climbing but didn't do too much on account of the slightly hurting foot.

Went home, showered, ate lunch, did laundry and went to my office (in case that one student showed up, but she didn't). Around 5:30 had to make the choice to either go to the park or go home. I decided I wanted to play video games at home (plus it was kind of cold and I think there's an algae bloom going on so swimming wouldn't be great). Went home, downloaded the Xenoblade DLC (which took like 4-5 hours). Someone came over to make scones, those were very good. Played the DLC for like an hour and a half and decided it's getting time for bed, since I did get up early and all. The beginning at least sure isn't as compelling as the start of the main game. Now that was gripping.  

I feel fine. Ends up I could've made progress on the question this week but I'm camping instead. While I'm fairly impulsive, bailing on this weekend's trip would be too impulsive even for me. So the question is gonna wait I guess. Still haven't wished the Other a happy birthday. Still feel like I should do that though.

Counting Sheeple

Well another song under my belt. Fishing for Birds is almost done and I can move onto my next project.

Counting Sheeple has a long history. I have a facebook post from May 2011 that mentions trying to mix Power Electronics and Pop, so I've had the idea for that joke for at least that long. I think the GarageBand file originates from a similar date (but I don't trust that since it says all my songs are from that date). The notes file says that I started the lyrics in October 2017, but I think that might have been a new file  (especially since I reposted the status in like May 2017) after copying old lyrics from my ipod, so the absolute start date could've been a year earlier, while I was in Ethiopia. 

I had the lyrics done for a long time but it wasn't until recently that I actually committed to them, with some rearrangement of the verses to make the story flow better. They're clunky. The meter sort of works but the stress is all wrong (and the meter didn't work well with many melodies anyway). They're cringe. I'm bearing my heart in the worst of post-adolescent "poetry".

Counting Sheeple is part of my autobiographical trilogy on this album, along with Indian Summer Love and Fishing for Birds (Liminoid Abyss fits there too, but it was an impulse song and kind of different than these other three). In a way, it's the twin of Indian Summer Love and not just because of the bad pun (suck it Origami Angel! I've been pulling this since y'all were in middle school. Maybe, since I don't know their actual ages). Indian Summer Love was me processing the grief of a breakup, by focusing on my bad feelings. On how I felt betrayed, not just by Her but by myself. It's a song about self loathing and how relationships can make you feel bad. Counting Sheeple is also a way of grieving that relationship, by remembering that it really wasn't all that bad. That We did love and care for each other.

Counting Sheeple is about the summer of 2014, which was an important time for me. Each verse is based on a real story, a vignette of my life. Most of the moments weren't even that important, I doubt She remembers many of them at all. Just little memories that brought me joy (and even though I'm long over that relationship, still can bring a smile to my face). Even the conspiracy theme comes from the fact that Our relationship was sort of secret. It was Our conspiracy. Plus the idea of two people being involved in some sort of massive conspiracy but not focusing on it at all was funny to me, so I ran with it.

I couldn't figure out a good melody. This is always my problem, which is part of why I tend towards spoken word or rap or shouted vocals. I eventually decided that a good melody didn't matter that much. It's a power electronics song after all. The pop part comes from the lyrical content and the fact that there is an order to all my different synths. It's not just a wall of noise. There's a certain prettiness to it, even if it's 90% ugly.

I designed the lead, bass and "siren" a long time ago. It was only recently that I added in the pad, mostly for more fuzz and static. I'm pretty happy with how they all turned out, noisewise. As I said to my brother, I was really pushing GarageBand to its noise production limits. I made the bass too low. It's so sub-bass that I don't even think a massive subwoofer can produce much outside the chorus. That's what I get for not thinking about frequencies. It's so noisy though through the overtones (is that the right word?) so it's not like the bass is useless. It probably just isn't as felt and overpowering as I wanted it to be on a physical level. The initial chord progression I had on the lead was cool, I sort of messed it up when I had to extend the length of my verses. But it's power electronics, so that's sort of the point? The siren was whatever. Probably could have made it better, but it did fill out the upper range of the spectrum which is good. 

I pushed the vocals too far to the front (though I didn't brick the song, lol). Probably too understandable at this point for something so cringey and amelodic. I like the sound design on the vocals. Lots of feedback and static and noise, but not so much to make them totally ununderstandable. With a better singer and an actual melody the vocals might have turned out really well.

Really happy about the bridge. I counted (up to 29) and completely distorted the vocals to make something almost rhythmic and so so heavy. I then through in some super processed drums to add an extra punch. Originally it was a loop but I decided against that. Part of the no rhythms part of the song. 

Counting Sheeple is about a Jacob long gone. It's an artifact. But it's an artifact that I'm glad to have dug up, cleaned up and put on display. I'm glad to open up, in a way. To no one in particular (and in a very Jacobian, very obscure way) but more open nonetheless. Indian Summer Love is a lot more open with what it is about and why I felt that way. But this, this is good too. 

Resting Day 8

Woke up from a dream (tangentially related to the question and no, I haven't answered the question). Eventually pulled myself out of bed, showered and went to my office. Had lunch with a friend, mixed Counting Sheeple (working on a separate post for that one) and played Wavelengths at English corner. You could tell there were some cultural differences by how much harder it was with this group than when I played last time with all American Mormons (coincidentally, that night was around when I started up this blog again). The student who wanted to argue with me about her grade didn't show up, so maybe that will happen tomorrow.

Institute was about marriage, which of course is not my favorite topic. Mostly about what makes a good marriage, which is a bit better of a topic though it was a reminder of some of the reasons my past relationships failed. It also didn't help that today is the Other's birthday and while I still have a certain fondness for the Other (unlike Her...who's birthday is coming up soon as well, since I apparently have a thing for chicks with spring birthdays) that got me thinking about how much I screwed up that relationship (that relationship would've failed even if I hadn't closed myself off so totally, but that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about how it ended). Anyway, I should message her tomorrow and wish her a happy birthday. Don't want to get back together with her but I am curious to see how she's doing and hope her life has been going well. 

Big day tomorrow. I'm getting up early to go running with people (and a 7 mile bike ride to the meeting point lol), then going climbing and then hanging around my office before probably chilling at the lake with some friends going paddleboarding. Should wear sunscreen and prepare for 20-30 miles.

Felt fine today. Very neutral overall I think. So maybe when I feel good some of those really are hypomanias? I need a psychologist, one with experience with this. I know technically any should be fine but since teasing out dysthymia vs BD-II is really tricky; I'd like one with experience. 

Resting Day 7

 Woke up a bit early, but I had my window open so that may have played a role. Snoozed my alarm a couple of times and then took a shower. Slowly packed up and off to the climbing gym. Climbed for a bit and then went to my office. At my office, I was waiting for my coworker to leave so I could do some recording. While waiting, I refreshed myself on what power electronics can be like and read some random things. Eventually my office mate left and I got to work. 

First, I readded my "siren" and then put in a distorted midrange pad to give it some extra static. I also worked on the sound design of the vocals. I couldn't figure out my melody though, so I eventually just sang something and got all the words recorded. I still need to figure out musically what I want to do in the chorus. I'll probably move the bass up and into a zone where you don't need a subwoofer and can actually here some movement. Then I'll do a more melodic bass thing. Combine that with a distorted music box maybe as my lead. That will give the chorus a significantly different feel while also being a bit poppier than the rest of the song. 

I'm most proud of the bridge/breakdown section. I'll need to mess around with the bass some more there too, but I do some fun things with hyper distorted vocals (you can't even tell I'm counting) and a distorted drum beat (right now it repeats itself too frequently, which is more rhythm than I want, so I'll be changing that up a bit too). Hopefully with a bit of work and maybe some rerecorded vocals, I'll be able to hit my self-imposed deadline. 

A number of students emailed complaining about their grades. Like, I left good comments on why I gave them the scores they did and the professor has backed me up each time, so I don't know why they bother. Substandard work is substandard. Anyway, I'm stuck meeting with one tomorrow to see if they can argue any higher points but I was already really generous compared to the rubric so I'm not sure what more they can do.

Felt fine today and did force myself to be slightly productive. So that's good. I'd rather feel happy than fine, but maybe that's the problem. Who knows. Not me.

Resting Day 6

Got up at a reasonable time, despite staying up too late. Didn't do much in the morning but as I was preparing to go get my hair cut and then get a tent, I got an email reminding me that I forgot to grade a test. So I rushed off to my office (where the exam was; it was turned in physically which is why I forgot about it) and graded it. Then went to get my hair cut. It is much shorter now, to the disappointment of the woman cutting my hair. She though it was beautiful long (I don't disagree but it was getting so annoying so time to be short for a few months before I get to the perfect length again). Then I picked up my stuff at the office and went to Walmart to get the tent (for the camp out this weekend; hopefully it doesn't rain).

Went home and I think I napped for a bit. Then I made dinner and went over to the Arboretum for FHE. Arrived early so I could read Infinite Jest under a tree for a bit. Started out leading a group, which slowly broke apart as I wandered around looking for birds. Among others, I saw many gray catbirds, an eastern bluebird, some swallows and a red-bellied woodpecker. I heard an owl too (at least I think it was an owl) but didn't see it. I love birdwatching. Someone asked me how I got into it and I gave the short story in the most Jacob way possible ("I was very depressed and had nothing to do except watch birds." Someone else "that's nice" (she wasn't listening fully) Me, cheerily "No it was pretty terrifying"). Then I went home and proceeded to do nothing. Except wash the pot that had been soaking for days. 

As per usual, I still feel fine, just unmotivated. Maybe I need a catalyst. I don't seem to have terminal insomnia right now, but all the excessive daytime sleepiness isn't great. I've also been staying up late, so I dunno how that factors into everything. I'll go into the office tomorrow (probably after climbing in the morning) and see if I can motivate myself into recording Counting Sheeple. I really need the vocals in so I can build the synths around them. Maybe that will get me out of my funk.

Resting Day 5- Mothers Day

So I got up, showered and prepared to go to church (after texting my mom, of course). Went to church, had a copy of my grandmother's book to read before the meeting. Meeting came and went. 2nd hour was fine. After church was the potluck, which went well. I had plenty of food. Went home, enjoying the nice day. Didn't do much else that day, except read some stuff (but not like any of my project books, just crap on the internet). Definitely napped/slept a bit and did some climbing too (people came over). Was basically really lazy. Where has all my motivation for everything gone? Am I returning to depression or not? Stayed up much too late doing nothing.

Being Mothers Day, I thought a lot about my family. One thing that really stood out to me was how my grandmother's experience being excommunicated for apostasy (she's certainly a heretic but is that the same as apostasy and deserving of an excommunication?) has affected my own testimony, personal growth and relationship with the church. It's somewhat weird to say, but her example in continuing to believe despite being kicked out, her stubborness but also integrity and the like certainly guided me to where I am today. Could be a whole post on its own. So yeah, thanks grandma, love you.

Resting Day 4

Got up at 5:30, went back to sleep till 6. Slowly made my way out the door to do bird collision corps stuff. Unfortunately I did find a bird (gray catbird, I think). It already smelled bad so was probably died earlier in the night. Then went over to help someone load up a truck to move. Which ran over because the truck was late. Finished just in time to rush over to the church for the baptism, or rather refreshments after the baptism (did give Bishop a report of the move, at least). Went to a farmers market with a couple people. The west side one, which I had never been to before (on account of it being like 9 miles from my home, though only like 3 from the church). Got some turmeric-juniper kraut, excited to see how this turns out. 

Went home, battery on like 2%. Showered and fell asleep (did not go on the nature walk, too tired. I'd done like 40+ miles in the last 24 hours by that point, and not with enough calories probably). Woke up and once again didn't do much. Except some climbing on the basement wall. Around 7ish I made dinner and around 9 started cooking tikal gomen for the potluck tomorrow. My onions and ginger felt pretty low quality, hopefully that's not an issue. This recipe felt pretty low on flavor and burning some of the onions and spices certainly didn't help. I added extra turmeric, cumin and cayenne but I'm not sure that will be enough. We'll see tomorrow I guess. At least it was cheap, even to make many pounds of the stuff (I started with like 5 lbs potatoes, 4-5 in cabbage, over a pound of carrots and a lot of onions too. Of course much of that cooks down so I don't have 10 pounds).  

Still feeling really unmotivated, but not down or anhedonic (I think). Certainly not compared to even just over a week ago. But maybe with a bit more time.

Oh and it looks like the place I wanted to go to isn't taking new patients right now. Maybe

Resting Day 3

 Got up really late (probably because I stayed up late. I think. I can't remember). First time I've truly slept in in a long time. Didn't do anything. Eventually made lunch (didn't record either, though I'm pretty sure my melody was plagiarized so back to the drawing board anyway). Napped more in the afternoon (am I really that tired?). Given all this, I decided to bike over to movie night instead of asking for a ride, since 13 miles each way would mean I at least did something in the day.

It was raining, drizzling as I left. Which was fine, I had a jacket and it means it wasn't too hot. Did my 13 miles. Got nostalgic, riding past farms in the rain. Reminded me of my mission. The movie, Dungeons and Dragons, was really fun and it was a fun group to watch it with. I like how it really did feel like a group of people roleplaying, with the harebrained schemes, jokes and the like. Plus it was funny, the quippy humor wasn't as annoying as in marvel movies and it tended to treat the audience and the characters with a degree of respect you don't get as much from pg-13 action comedies these days. Shame it was a box office bomb. Was offered a ride home but didn't take it because the rain had stopped and I wanted to enjoy the ride home. Rode slow, saw a frog and it was very nice.

Still feeling okay? Very unmotivated though.

Resting Day 2

 Didn't do much today (which is fine!). Got up, eventually went to work. Didn't do anything at work except give someone some advice (which is why I came to work in the first place) and play Coup. Everyone knows I am a brutal player now :p 

Went home, briefly napped, did some chores, made dinner (rice and onions, which tastes good but really highlights my lack of food). Worked on a potential melody; hope I'm not accidentally plagiarizing something. I think I'll record the vocals tomorrow and then get the music to fit them. Had a call with my advisor. Which went well. 

My advisor thinks I might be able to defend my proposal before fall. Which would be nice because that's more money for me. So we'll see. He also has suggestions on where to get grant money. 

Went shopping, got food for myself and also for the potluck. Burritos were on sale (past the best by date) so I bought more than normal. I am very price sensitive and microwave burritos are a high elasticity object I guess. Did some climbing on the basement wall. I can lift myself up on a 6 finger drag, which apparently is quite impressive. Didn't go aurora hunting but the sky was mixed and it probably didn't get here anyway (based on the NOAA website). 

Looked at old messages, trying to figure out when my depression started. All I know is that I certainly felt depressed in late teens, but the first episode with suicidal thoughts I have on record is when I was 21 and that same year is probably the first 2+ week episode I have recorded (though I likely had such episodes before but didn't recognize them as "real" depression. In February 2014 I mentioned that I'd been feeling depressed all the week before so maybe that's it? There's highly contextual reasons for that though). By any means, much earlier onset than average. 

Right now I feel fine. We'll see if I start slipping again or if I just feel a bit down (compared to even this morning) because I'm losing that high. Lability sucks.

Your Name: how to do the remake right

So there's been a push (by Japanese investors iirc) to do a westernized live-action remake of Your Name. Completely unnecessary but let's suppose that there's no way to stop this venture. What currently is being done (at least the rumors I've heard) and what should be done to actually capture the spirit of the movie? Spoilers below, obviously.

Resting Day 1

 So yeah, I missed enough days that it's really just time for a new numbering scheme. As for the past weekend, I've been feeling fine (at least not dysthymic) since Friday. I had a lot of trouble focusing on my proposal but I did get that done (knuckling down at the few days/hours) and with a lot more words than everyone else apparently. Finally got around to grading exams Tuesday night (really Wednesday morning) after coming home from a movie night. Was able to get through them relatively quickly, finished up around 4 in the morning. Went to bed, but took at least 30 minutes to go to sleep. Listened to the birds and recorded one for inspiration. 

I felt great today (especially the first half of the day), even with like less than 4 hours of sleep. Absolutely beautiful outside, my work is done so I get to take the next few days off and man did that make me feel good (maybe?). Did two trips through the Arboretum, looked at birds over the marsh on a boardwalk I hadn't done before. Saw a big tree with beaver marks. 

Had a grad student committee meeting, didn't get much out of it but whatever. Talked with colleagues. Sat around listening to tiny desk concerts while I waited to go to institute. Went to institute. Lots of people showed up because it was pizza day. Hung out a bit after institute. Went back to my office because I left all my stuff there and to wait to go Aurora hunting. Went home, sky was cloudyish and according to predictions, it wasn't going to reach here anyway. Maybe tomorrow. Got home around 11. Lay around for a bit. Came downstairs to write this.

What's the point of all of this? Well, I am once again unsure if I'm feeling good because this is normal or because of (potential?) hypomania. I was obviously higher energy than normal and I skipped a lecture to ride my bike on pure impulse. It's 1 am and I'm just starting to get tired (minus like a 10 minute nap in the mid afternoon after the bike ride). But while grading I was mostly just focused, not agitated (though there was some pacing) and irritated. I've had lots of creative thoughts (writing Fishing for Birds and getting a hook I almost like) but haven't actually worked on scoring Counting Sheeple like I planned to. And like, there's plenty of contextual reasons to be happy. No more grading. Don't need to think about my proposal for a couple days. Beautiful weather. Pizza. I didn't feel extra talkative today, but maybe I was (but also I'm just a talkative person...). So yeah, I guess I'll maybe figure this out one day. Manic or just a weird unipolar depressive? Who knows. I need to call the psychiatrist tomorrow and set something up. And do some other admin stuff. Like grocery shopping.

Oh and I'm sunburned now.

Spring Day 47

Got up (late, I was planning on working on my slides in the morning but my phone died and I didn't realize that until after I woke up since I wake up too early every day). Decided to not go climbing (my membership runs out soon anyway and I need to call and see if they're doing a student summer deal again. Went to a professor's wedding shower that the department was holding. That was nice. Food was good and it meant I did most of my work socialization for the day. Finished my presentation, sat through 3 hours of presentations and then did mine. It was pretty bad but I don't really care.

Rushed over to the park so I could make a 20 minute appearance at the department picnic before meeting up with people from church to go to dinner and a blues concert. Did my rounds, had a root beer and some (real indonesian!) satay and then off I went to the church. Could've stayed a bit longer since everyone else was late, but that's beside the point. We went to a Laotian restaurant which we thought was next door to the venue but actually was attached to the venue (which was really convenient for us since we could eat during the show). Listened to the music and eventually got up and danced (poorly, but energetically). Carpooled back to the church and rode home in the drizzle, which was actually pretty nice.

I'm really glad that I went to the concert. I wasn't sure when I decided to commit to it but it was really fun. Plus I got to get to know better some people that I only sort of know and some that I barely know. Sure I didn't know any of the songs so singing along was a bit hard and we were by far the youngest group there but hey, don't need that to cut up the dance floor. Which I did because why not. Also we might do karaoke night, so hopefully that goes somewhere because I love karaoke.

I think all the socializing today has mostly kept the dysthymia at bay. Probably because it was mostly low key and with lots of escape points, which are. Plus I like music (the word is now out that I have made music in the past, so I'll let that rumor spread for a while and see if anyone finds it. Not that it's hidden) and that's a distraction from all the people when I need it. So I still feel decent even now. We'll see how tomorrow goes.    

Also, it is Kierkegaard Day. So I changed my profile picture (as is tradition) and posted a cryptic "210" status. Which had one friend text me asking if I got hacked and more worringly, has multiple likes. Why would anyone like a no context "210" is beyond me.

 

Spring Day 46

What even did I do yesterday? I had to go to work to proctor an exam, played an intense game of Avalon and reworked my presentation. I went home, didn't work much. Went out to the boardwalk, learned how to identify a blue winged teal. Beautiful day. Eventually worked on my slides more. That's about it. A low key day. I don't think I felt too bad? Definitely not great but also just normal sad, not really sad.

On the prodigal son (but really his brother)

The parable of the prodigal son is a well known one that lots of people can relate to. I sure can, as has been hinted at and even discussed on this blog. Maybe I never went fully to the far off country, but I sure did in my heart.

More importantly though, I relate strongly to the elder brother. And not in a good way. To me, his story is ultimately one about resentment. The sort of resentment that you can't really know without being the eldest. And I hate that about myself and it definitely reflected in my comments about this parable during institute. 

Resentment about feeling like you always have to be the stable point in the family. Resentment about feeling that you need to be perfect, because you are the example and if you aren't perfect all your siblings' failures are your fault. Resentment about your asceticism and martyr complex that may have developed because the oldest has to be the protector and you felt like you could never have anything until you made sure that everyone else's needs were met first. Resentment about being taken for granted because you were always there and you felt like no one needed to express their appreciate, because helping is just what you do and everyone knows that. Resentment about how they had so much more growing up than you did (not that your childhood was horrible or anything, just a function of family money). Resentment about how you felt you could never ask for help from the parents because they only have so much time and money. Resentment about how you felt you had to work and study twice as hard to keep your scholarships because you didn't want to be more of a financial burden than you already were since there's still 5 siblings who need to get through college and well, you're the perfect one who can be trusted to carry this burden. Resentment about how you felt you had to be the perfect mormon boy and couldn't be openly apostate because even though you weren't sure you believed anything you didn't want that to rub off on your siblings. Resentment about how you're an intensely private person because you didn't want to burden your parents or them with the details of your private life. Not that you had any privacy growing up anyway. 

And jealousy. Jealous of the relationships you never had with your siblings that they have with each other and with your extended, because you moved 9000 miles away when they were still young and never got the chance to know them as teenagers or adults. Jealous of the trips you never went on because you were working or studying or just too far away. Jealous of the experiences you never had. Jealous of the parental support they got (like actually getting a therapist) and you never did because your parents learned a lot raising you they probably couldn't apply to you. I mean it's pretty fucked up when your kid gets so angry about a game that he decides he's going to commit suicide by standing in a river until he gets hypothermia and dies. And then he actually stands in the river. Obviously it wasn't a very credible threat but surely worth a follow up visit with a shrink when you finally had a home again, especially when your son already had a long history of (attention seeking) self destructive behavior and mood issues.  

And they probably resent you too. Because you're grumpy and moody and angry. Because you're withdrawn, especially at family gatherings, and hide yourself and don't talk about your life or your feelings and you refuse to open up. Because you're mean and competitive and always itching for a fight. Because you're self centered and an attention seeker and dominate every conversation you are in. Because you're perfect and everyone admires you and you set the bar so high and tear anyone who gets too close down. Because there's no doubt you'll be successful and your life is already so well put together (lack of girlfriend aside, but you probably have a secret one anyway, since it's not like you ever tell them about your private life and you do have a history of secret girlfriends). Because you're free and independent and have been since they were young (and even in high school got away with all sorts of things they never could).

The elder brother would have gone into the party eventually. He wasn't actually angry about it, not in the long run. He loved his brother, I'm sure he did. He just needed time to process the fact that his brother was back. He needed time to process that all those demands he felt, the demand to be perfect and to be a good example and to work twice as hard to make up for his brother, weren't demands from his father but demands he created out of thin air for himself. He just needed to process that his father did love him, for who he was and not what he did (or didn't) do. It was never about the fatling.

And maybe he was throwing a tantrum because he didn't know how to open up about this to himself or to others. Maybe he was just looking for someone to ask him how he was doing. And maybe you do the same thing. Want the same thing. Maybe the reason you're so rebellious is because you want someone to stop you and ask you why you are acting like this. Maybe part of the reason you ruined a family temple trip was so that someone would confront you about it and ask you why you're refusing to renew your recommend. Maybe what you really fear was what you got, quiet acceptance and disappointment, nothing more. Maybe you want your family to pry more into your personal life. Maybe you want permission to be open. Permission you don't need but want anyway.

I love my family. I really do. I don't know how to express that to them. I don't know how to let them know that I care a lot. That I think about them and how they're doing all the time. That I'm proud of their achievements. That I'm proud of who they're growing to be, who they've grown to be. That I'm sorry for how terrible of a brother I've been a lot of the time. That I'm working on being happier and fixing what's wrong with my brain. So that maybe I can one day tell them this. That I don't really resent them (even if everything I said is based in truth) but sometimes I tire of fighting my demons. Or since they all saw Suzume, sometimes there's a big black cat god behind me.  

Spring Day 45

Woke up sometime between 4 and 5. Spent until 6 in bed, moving in and out of light sleep. I hate this terminal insomnia and how even when I set my bedtime earlier it still catches up with me. But I know that worrying about being awake just makes it worse and to wait it out. At 6 I got up and started grading. Did some and then showered. Did more grading. Went to the office and did more. Attended presentations. Spent time with coworkers. Finally finished grading. Decided it was too nice to work on my friday presentation (which I've completely changed what I'm doing anyway which is both easier since I can reuse parts of my old presentation and harder because I now need to relate it to IO) so I went to the arboretum. That was nice, even if I felt terrible. 

Institute was intense. I think I might have offended some people by being a bit too harsh (in facing my shadow). I'll talk about that in my fourth post of the day. Went home, ruminating on institute and acknowledging that I do have some pretty deep resentment towards my family.

Got home and faffed around, not really wanting to do anything but lie under the covers and pity myself. I really don't like being depressed, I just haven't had time to call the psychiatrist this week and set something up. Forced myself to do these since writing out my feelings is better than just thinking them.

Spring Day 44

Had an alarm set for 5:30 so of course I woke up before that. Actually did get to my slides and even finished them with dozens of minutes to spare. Did a bit of grading and then gave my presentation. Did fine despite how bad my proposal is. Got some good feedback. After many other presentations, went and got lunch. Graded afterwards but not as much as I should have. Went home and then went outdoor climbing. That was fun and the sunset was pretty. Got home at like 10 and was so tired. Ate ice cream for bed and went to sleep, with the intent of getting up around 6 to finish grading. 

 

 

Spring Day 43

Yeah, I've been really late on this. I had every intention of going out early, grading at my office and preparing my slides. Well it was raining so I decided not to. Had to eventually though, because of office hours. I got a bit of work done after that and then went to FHE for mario kart and smash, which was fun. Went home, ate dinner and got to work on my slides. Got like 4 done and decided that I'd just have to finish them in the morning and went to bed. Forgot to do this.