Spring Day 12

 Got up. Weather was a bit ambiguous (it was supposed to storm all day but the storm didn't end up happening till the evening) so I decided to not go climbing and just hold zoom office hours today. Didn't grade since I didn't feel up to it. In fact, I didn't feel up to much today, despite feeling fine (I think? I'm not sure I know what feeling fine feels like anymore). At the very least, not depressed. Went shopping and ended up overeating (mostly grapes, lots and lots of grapes but even without that I'm sure I went over my calories, especially since I only biked like 4 miles today). Lay in bed for a bit, can't remember if I napped or not.

Later in the evening, I decided to dig through my boxes to find my old mission journal. Couldn't find it (already pulled it out?) but I did review my old medical records (man I was skinny in high school), and the letters I got on my mission. Well, the two handwritten ones at least. I also found a letter left unsent (should probably bury that) which was an interesting look into my post breakup mind. I completely forgot I had written it. Anyway, also found $20 in a birthday card I got on my mission and some old notes for my tabletop game/multimedia setting that I forgot I'd written. And a very short journal covering the last month of my mission + a couple days in Ethiopia that give a good look into my mindset then (Interesting thing I wrote in December 2016 about how I was doing bad (with no entries unfortunately) and then started feeling better and being productive before crashing again. I try to justify these crashes and the depression in general, but looking back I wonder if I do that too much). While writing out my thoughts and letters on electronics is mostly nice (no searching for a tiny journal!) there really is something lost in it. You can't see the scratched out words or the marginalia and footnotes. The shifting sizes and shapes of letters. The change of pen as I move from one day to the next. These electronic diaries are lifeless compared to the truly written word. 

For all my regrets about my life, about love and relationships and what has (and hasn't) happened, one thing I don't regret, in fact I am absolutely proud about, is that I've written (and received) love letters. Not love emails or text messages (though I've written those too). Actual love letters, delivered by a mail man and all. Letters that crossed continents and oceans to find their way to the one I loved. Letters written with ink on paper, simple lined paper, folded up and shoved in an envelope. The vestiges of a lost era, already long gone by my time, held alive only by the archaic rules of missionary life. It warms my cynical heart, lighting the room for the lost romantic hiding there ("On Romanticism" is another good essay topic). I look forward to one day telling my kids about how their dad kept this ancient practice alive (probably not with their mom though lol. But maybe I'll somehow end up in a situation where it makes sense :p).

Finished reading an essay comparing Joseph Smith and Kierkegaard's views on 19th century Christianity. Interesting enough, the parts on Kierkegaard's opinions on revelation and apostles were new for me. Having mostly only read his more existential stuff, I wasn't aware he was waiting (to a degree) for a revelator. The other day I read an article on George Albert Smith's depression, which was a good read. Forgot to mention that on here. The reason I bring it up is there's a funny little section about his dad (an apostle) sending him (also an apostle) a case of beer with a note saying it was endorsed by the prophet to help him feel better. I know the standards relating to alcohol were a bit different back then but it's still a funny anecdote. Reminds me of the time (senior pictures I think?) where my dad jokingly suggested that I try marijuana because maybe I would finally loosen up a bit and stop being so tense.

Sayings on the Cross: Intro

As regular readers of this blog are aware (I always get a kick out of saying that), mid to late February was a rough time for me. That of course coincided with the start of Lent. One of the reasons I revived this blog (and let it thrive) was because near the beginning of Lent I started reading up on the sayings of Jesus on the Cross and decided that I really wanted to do a series on them. While initially wanting to get all my thoughts out at once, I decided that doing them one day at a time, with seven landing on Good Friday would probably be the best way to do them. 

I'm not interested in the theological implications of these verses. I don't care what "paradise" means or what prophecies were fulfilled. As I've mentioned before, I find the Bible a poor source for theology given that I have access to modern revelations. There's no need to pan for meaning when the river lies next to a gold mine. No, what I'm interested in is my relationship with the words and their themes. So in a way you could say that this are more "On X" posts. "On Forgiveness", "On Salvation" and so on. Named differently though; this is a formal series. 

So look forward to that, hopefully it turns out at least a seventh as well as it is in my head.  

Spring Day 11

Took me like 3 hours to get out of bed and shower, then another 2 to get to the office. Class was canceled today (and tomorrow) on account of the exam but we're supposed to hold office hours and grade, so I held office hours (and didn't grade because we don't have the exam rubric yet). Before that though, I stopped by the library to pick up Infinite Jest. I've been meaning to for a long time (I'm the sort of person that everyone probably thinks is a Wallace bro anyway) and finally committed. 

Went to McDonald's after my office hours to try the new bacon ranch mccrispy (not worth it) and then went climbing. Was there for a bit over an hour. Lots of people but not as many as I expected. Either made significant improvement on or sent a number of harder (for me) problems I've been projecting, which was nice. Went home (nearly got hit while crossing the street, in the crosswalk, while I had a cross signal and cussed out the driver for making a turn on a red light. I've done really well controlling my anger compared to when I was younger but biking is my one exception), read the first 50 or so pages of Infinite Jest (I like the style, it really hasn't been that difficult so far even if I have no idea what's going on). Copious notes are a thing I've liked in novels since a kid, which is part of why I've been wanting to read this book. Went to write this.

Definitely ate more calories than I normally do, probably around 2000. Sign of appetite coming back, stress eating, or my body telling me that I need more (my weight loss has mostly stabilized back to where I want it, around 1-2 lbs per week more or less)? I don't know. I really have no idea how I feel. I wasn't up to playing games today at English Corner (like I normally do Thursdays) but also I don't feel horrible? But I was also clearly avoiding people and doing my own thing. Lots of second guessing the self-diagnosis I made yesterday. That's what the appointment is for, I just want things to progress quickly if I am right. I finally want help. Question was on my mind again, but right now I'm feeling that even if the answer is yes (and I do want to know the answer still) I want to hold off asking the follow-ups until after I am more stable, if that truly is my problem. I do hope the answer is yes though.    

Spring Day 10

Woke up at 6, but didn't manage to pull myself out of bed until about 6:30. Took some caffeine to stay awake. By about 7:00 I finally started my assignment. Scrounged up a 2.5 page draft that is not very good and sent it out by 8:40 and then headed off to class. Class itself was pretty good, I don't enjoy literature reviews but I do enjoy writing and the class. Took a long lunch, chatted with friends for a long time. Was talkative, loud and obnoxious as normal. Went home, laid in bed for a while (with a short nap) and started reading about mental health stuff again. Spent hours like that, then ate a small dinner and eventually got around to writing my diary entry for yesterday, finished my post on admonishments and then wrote then. Have been very distracted by my discovery/eureka moment though. And also just because I'm an easily distractible person in general. The question hasn't been on my mind as much recently (though it's still there), I guess I have a new obsession for the time being. I don't exactly want an answer until I get some of these other things cleared up anyway, in retrospect some of my worry was probably because of my illness. 

I forgot to mention that yesterday I set up an appointment to get screened for an eventual appointment with a shrink. So I'm really looking forward to that on Tuesday, which is different than the last time I went to a psychologist (in summer 2018). Maybe because I think I might have figured out what my problem is (bipolar II disorder-rapid cycling) and I know that this is something treatable, even if it will probably take a while to get that in order.

I'm really glad that I decided to document everyday for the past few weeks because I was fretting about not being able to prove a hypomaniac episode of 4+ days (proving a major depressive episode is much easier, I have years worth of documentation for that) until I started looking back at my posts. I wrote a whole random song on Saturday, after being irritated in the morning and taking an ill-advised spontaneous bike ride (not to mention sending out friend requests for the first time in years on FB)! I was unusually outgoing and talkative on Sunday. I actually set up a social activity for Monday (that actually wasn't mentioned in the diary post but I have receipts for it) and took an objectively bad event (double flats) rather well. I mention how good (and daydreamy) I was on Tuesday before a very obvious emotional crash. We'll see what the doctor says obviously but I think I'll be able to make a case to not start with standard antidepression treatments.

On Admonitions

There's two verbs that dominate my patriarchal blessing, "bless" and "admonish." Now that's an interesting word that you don't hear often.

While the word comes up throughout the blessing, it's most notable in the (fairly short) section about marriage. There's no "bless" there. No real information. Just a warning that I better do certain things.

When I received this blessing, it was mostly just weird. At that point in time, dating wasn't really a thing I did (jokes on you, it's still not 😅) and I wasn't really considering dating outside the church. Sure my testimony may not have been strong (and so some of the admonishments made sense) but a specific warning to marry in the temple? Seemed a bit egregious. Fast forward a year. I'm dating her and was in a situation where those admonishments made sense. I was prompted (I think? it's been almost 10 years at this point) to reread my patriarchal blessing and those admonishments really stuck out. I told her, in a very teary skype call the night before I left for college, that this was why we wouldn't work out. She disagreed. Well she won.

I thought that maybe I could still get things to work out. But you can't change people and shouldn't, not like that. Instead I slipped away, little by little, from my already precarious point. But that wasn't her fault.

So what is this blogpost? Like all "On [topic]" posts its only somewhat about that topic. I'm not really here to talk about being warned or my feelings on warnings. No, it's about how when I look back (as I have many times before) I'm reminded that my religious journey back (back up at the very least) really started here. Both with my rejection of the admonishment but also the fact that I looked in the first place. Or that something which at the time seemed so weird ended up mattering. Coincidence? Sure could be, but maybe, just this once, I'll interpret it as something else, something that matters for me.

Spring Day 9

Posting this a day late, but it is important that I document every day. My class had an exam today so I had to make sure to leave home early. Exam went fine (lots of questions to answer so I ran around the hall they were taking it in the whole time), went to the butcher to buy some very expensive rabbit and then went home. Sat around for a bit (can't remember doing what. Moping? Oh and talking with Jason. That was good actually, I gave him some advice about General Conference that actually felt a bit inspired. And I sent Lillian some resources for finding an assistantship here since her program has been very quiet about funding) and then went on a bike ride to the boardwalk (beautiful day). Lost my left mitten, unfortunately, so now I'm wearing a right mitten and a right glove. Went home, avoided doing my homework some more. Ate at some point. Did the first part of the assignment, which had nothing to do with my own research. Avoided writing the email. Finally started it. Opened up (a bit, not fully) about some of my struggles with research. Got it sent off like 1:15. Set alarms for 6 and went to bed, leaving the rest of the assignment for tomorrow (which is today, because I am late).

 Mentally speaking, it was okay near the beginning and got worse as the day went on, except part of the afternoon. I expected this to happen, given that my research project is a major stressor and thus depressive state trigger. But that's more of a story for another day (today)...

Spring Day 8

Today was an aggressively mixed day. Actually had someone show up to office hours though. Otherwise, I did no work because it's too stressful and killing me. I'll need to face it tomorrow though. I've been reading up more about social anxiety and how to deal with it (especially for dealing with the question). Oh and I teared up a bit while reading stuff about that and related to it. And I read my patriarchial blessing again and yep it's pretty clear that the question is in my hands.

I managed to get selected to present again in IO. Two in a row now, absolutely devastating. I had a sinking feeling it was coming too but didn't spice up, or even review, my presentation. It also meant I couldn't leave early like I was planning on, yet I still managed to get to the church mostly on time for FHE. It was a trivia night and I love trivia (and as usual, dominated it). No flats either! Then I had to rush home to make sure an exam was turned in on time (it was). Took almost exactly 40 minutes, which is not that fast all things considered. Sure felt faster than I normally do it though. Should've biked up the hill.

Some goals

•  This blog
• On Grading
• On Zion
• On Admonishments
• Sayings of the cross series for Easter
• I'd like to do some Kikxotian short stories/folk tales. Maybe I don't have any conlanging juice right now but I can still do some worldbuilding
  
• In life
• Get over myself
• Answer those emails (I have to do this tomorrow, for class so fml)
• Reach out to the Other and see how she's doing. No modus, I don't want to get back together but it's been a few years and I genuinely care about how she's doing. Plus if I can reach out to someone who has every right to be angry at me (though she probably isn't, she's too nice/good for that), maybe I'll prove to myself that I can get over my anxiety with those that don't. This is a longer term goal, her birthday is in like 6 weeks and that's a reasonable deadline if I don't reach out sooner.