So the answer is no. I didn't ask the question (in fact, I didn't even see her today) but in conversation with mutual friends I definitely got that vibe. Maybe it could change later (and maybe it was yes a couple of months ago) but I'm not waiting. I've been getting very strong for the last couple days that it's time to move on and throw myself into the market anyway. So if anything happens between us in the future, it happens but like I said, I'm not waiting. And I'll try to keep our friendship alive, because I do value that a lot.
Got up at 8 (after snoozing an extra hour) and showered. Left home after 9 (could've been sooner but I was lazy). Had a short meeting with a coworker (only because our boss asked that we have one, otherwise there was no reason for it), did a bit of work, ate lunch and went home. On the way home I stopped at the Hmong market to look for pandan flavoring but they were out. The other asian market had some though. So I'm ready for the potluck Sunday.
At home I cooked. First I made sofrito, which was pretty easy. But now I have so much. Then I prepared everything else for the laab and cooked it. Really wasn't too hard, would've been even easier with a sous chef. Then since I was running a bit late I rushed through all my cassava flour to make casabe.
Dinner went well. The food was delicious and the company was nice. We talked well into the night about random stuff, including planning the craziest party possible (budget: at least 50 million USD). Also I didn't dominate conversation and while witty, wasn't super talkative and instead more attentive. Which was all good. Left quite late and on the way back decided that I'd take the long way and hang out by the lake for a while. So a lot of extra biking in the end. Enjoyed the supermoon though. And got to be alone with my thoughts and work through the fact that that hope is gone. Finally made it home, did the dishes and eventually made my way up to write this (and after this, the secret diary, I guess).
On the one hand I should feel pretty good. I got to cook, hang out and my coworker moved out. But I am pretty bummed out, even if I'll get over it soon enough. It's only natural and it does feel qualitatively different from a depression type down feeling. Just like how being at the party showed the difference between me being happy and euthymic in semi-familiar company vs when I am hypomanic. I do have a difference in my levels of chattiness.
I'm tired, it's real late and I have things to do tomorrow.
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