Dog Days 7

Got up and then went back to sleep for a bit. Fixed my tire and made a fancy breakfast (eggs and onions) for myself. Went to church. Talks were fine (good job to the new member who spoke) and the fifth Sunday lesson was also fine. Came home. Napped a bit. Finished Wrestling the Angel. Ate a whole thing of macaroni for dinner. Since the weather was nice and I need to run more, I decided to do an 8.6 mile run today.

Left a little after 7 and made it back in about 85 minutes (I didn't set a stopwatch but I did listen to a ~49 minute album and all but the last 1.5 minutes or so of a 37 minute album. I chose those for pacing reasons since if I beat the albums, that would mean a 10 minute pace). Technically a bit over that since Idid stop the music for like 30 seconds to get water (mile 4.3, so the halfway point) and like a 3-4 minute bathroom break around mile 6.5 (ultimately unnecessary but a bit before I really felt like I needed one). I was tired by the end of it (and really hungry so I ate second dinner) but my muscles don't hurt too much and most importantly, I ran the whole thing. Wasn't even really panting or anything. So my endurance and overall cardio is good. I just need to work more on pacing. This course had some hills too. Nothing too extreme but adding those in is important too. Time to find more courses since I have just like 8 weeks to go. Maybe 7. Sent out some emails for work and lazed around. Filled out and submitted my timesheet, which I was supposed to do Friday but forget given the whole funeral and happy hour things. Luckily I hadn't gotten locked out the system for last week yet. Hopefully my pay isn't delayed too much.

I feel fine. Emotionally and even physically, given that whole running thing. I even played video games (Xenoblade and Runescape. apparently it's double xp week). Need to get up early to go shopping (I haven't in like 3 weeks. I'm almost completely out of food except ramen).

Dog Days 6

Not much to report today. Slept in today (so until 8). Didn't go anywhere in the morning (even though I need to go shopping) because I wasn't sure when we were leaving for the lake. Should've fixed my tire but didn't (it's fully deflated now, was like 3/4 this morning). 

Climbed at the lake at some places I'd never been before. These were some pretty fun and not too difficult areas, which was nice. I got to do some high rocks, which is always nice. 

Came home and played pathfinder. Twas good. Our campaign is slowly advancing (well a side mission of it at least). Did dishes afterwards and here we are. Not much else to say. Tomorrow is fifth Sunday, I have some work things to do and I might go swing dancing (or at least listen to the band while others dance) or do some ministering stuff. Should be a nice day. 

I feel fine. I think I'm starting to get used to the post medicine fatigue, I'm not nearly as tired as I was a few days ago. Still pretty tired though. 

Dog Days 5

Set my alarm for 6:30 but didn't get ready for the day until like 8. Guess I was tired. Anyway, my rear tire was flat for some reason so I rescheduled my meeting with my advisor to the afternoon and went to fix that. Didn't find the leak (it's definitely there though, since it deflated by the end of today) but did find one of the spokes was loose. Fixed that (sort of) and decided to just pump my tire and see what would happen.

Went to my office (it was so hot) and prepared for my meeting. Did the meeting (it was productive) and worked on my next tasks, for Monday. The funeral started at 3 so I zoomed into that and it was a nice funeral. Haven't been to one in a long time, especially not one for a relative. Went for a run with the department. Our pace wasn't great but that's okay, it was so hot. Hung out at the happy hour, went home and showered since I was literally drenched in sweat. Decided to work on the next track for the Scandals from the Karaoke Booth EP, which is "Waiting Room" but basically deconstructed as an industrial song (and no, I don't mean an industrial rock song). A single pulsating bass line, never changing except in timber. A heavy 4 on the 4 kick and snares on 1 and 3 to sound more mechanical. Loops on loops on loops. I'll record the vocals through a vocorder to give them a nice robotic feel. Should be interesting (especially as I start playing the bass line over itself but off beat). So I've been having a lot of fun with that. 

I'm less tired tonight than I have been the last few nights. Maybe because I actually sort of slept in. I'm starting to feel pretty tired though so I guess I'll go to bed soon.

Dog Days 4

Set my alarm for 6:30 but didn't really make it out of bed until like 7:15 and to the office until like 8:15. Worked on my stuff, did my meeting, sat around (and did more work) and then went over to do sausage tasting for a research project. It wasn't much sausage so my friend and I went to get ice cream afterwards. Back to the office. I sent some emails and didn't really have a reason to stay so I headed home. Stopped by McD's for lunch (since I didn't have a real one).

So so so hot today. Really sapped my energy on the ride home, so I was quite slow. Was not keeping up with ebikes. At home I lay in bed for a while. Came downstairs with the intent of working on my DnD campaign (I cancelled today's session since I wasn't sure when the funeral would be, ends up its tomorrow) but just listened to music and read stuff instead. Anyway I'm so tired, probably because of the meds. So I'm gonna go to bed.

RS Greatest Emo Albums: 38-35

A continuation of this project I started. Putting 4 together this time because why not. No real themes as far as I am aware of to bind these together and not much pre-music commentary to make so off we go.

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The first album today, at number 38, is Intersections by Into It. Over It. (how fitting). Never heard of them before, apparently it's a one-man project (or at least was when this album was recorded)? Notably, it's the only album on the list from after 2008. And to be quite frank, one of the only ones released within 10 years of the article's publication in 2016. So that's interesting since the article is otherwise lacking emo revival/fourth wave representation (the album from 2008 is also revival iirc). On to the album itself though.

Liking this album so far (which checks out, I like midwest emo). "New North-Side Air" has some cool instruments. I'm quite digging "A Curse Worth Believing", especially the beginning. But like the layered vocals are cool (and sounding like a noisy Death Cab song isn't a bad thing). Liking "Upstate Blues" a lot too. Really fun guitars, the loud-quiet dynamic and I love the line "If misery loves company than what does that make me?" cause I'm cringe (end fades into the next song really well too. Love a good transition). Speaking of that next song, the build up for "No Amount of Sound" is great. No idea what the song is about though. "A Pair of Matching Taxi Rides" is also awesome. The guitars (there's some real noisey/fuzzy ones that remind me of some of the sounds I was experimenting with for Ghelded Kultz 10 years ago, before this album came out even) and the way it changes over the song. "Your Antique Organ" is a softer song (on an already soft album) but there's some really cool instrumentation in the background. Another great song overall. And is the last song ("Contractual Obligation") a break up song? I love break-up songs, plus it just sounds fun and has a lot going on (I do love layered vocals). Also the lines "The look of your name is such an eyesore" and "Today I walked alone for the first time/Reclaimed the finer brick from your fault lines" are big mood.

Yeah I like this album. Unsurprising. I like midwest emo, I like indie rock, I like twinkly guitars, I like noise. Plus I've apparently liked other projects this guy is in (like Pet Symmetry). Good choice Rolling Stone.

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Album number 2 (well 37) is one I know quite well, Indian Summer's Science 1994. I think I first listened to it in 2017, maybe 2018? Point is, I've known it for a long time. So some fun facts about this album. In true punk fashion, it's actually a compilation album of all (or at least most of) their prior work. The names of the songs on bandcamp are completely different than what they are normally known by and I'm pretty sure none of the songs have official titles (though they do have well known ones). Since it was only a dollar on bandcamp and I love this album, that's what I'll be using. I'll need notes to align the track names though.

"I think your train is leaving" ("giving") starts soft but has really good build up and riffs. Also I can only assume that the lyrics are entirely literal. "Touch The Wings Of An Angel... Doesn’t Mean You Can Fly" ("birth") has an awesome riff. I really like the staticky quality at the beginning of "Aren't you Angel" ("thunder"), in a way it almost reminds me of Daniel Johnson. Also that song uses dynamics so well (and screams). "Waiting" ("by") is just awesome when it gets all quiet for a second as the singer says "killer" and then goes into an almost metallic repetitive riff (which almost reminds me of Big Black). 

And then we get to "Angry Son" ("sleeping"). This is the song that introduced me to Indian Summer and it is just wonderful. The quiet start with spoken word lyrics. Just perfection when the loud guitar comes in. A driving bass in the background (sounds like something from Low of all bands. Almost like it was ripped out of "Lullaby"). And an iconic ending with a record playing in the background (same as the beginning. As much as I love Origami Angel, this is how samples should be done since it really adds to the song. It's funny, I'm not much one for noodling and long songs, but some of my favorite songs in general are really long, even self indulgent. "Diamond Sea" by Sonic Youth, "Do you know how to waltz?" and "Lullaby" by Low, "SexBomb" by Flipper and as I just mentioned "Angry Song" all would count.

"Orchard" ("with") has a really cool riff all through it and the chorus is deliciously noisy. As usual "Sugar Pill" ("his") has a great build-up and the screams of "pills" abound in a good way. The bass on "Reflections On Milkweed" ("daughter") is also so great, especially how it interplays with the guitar (both in twinkle and noise mode). 

While I'm glad that this album made the list, 37 is much too low. It's not just a historically important album (well sort of. Indian Summer was important, the album was released well after their heyday but all the songs were already there), it's a great album. Every song is great (even the ones I didn't mention), "Angry Son" is literally one of the best emo songs of all time and few bands have done the loud-quiet dynamic and build ups better than Indian Summer. 

Have an 8bit cover of "Angry Son".

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Number 36 on the list is Gatefold by Orchid. So the first real screamo/skramz album on the list (not that some of the prior ones didn't have good screams, Science 1994 for instance). 

Starts out very loud and creamy. Definitely faster/more hardcore than any of the albums so far (which checks out, Orchid was a powerviolence band). These songs are short too. I think I like "Loft Party" and "I wanna fight" switches between loud and less loud really well. End of "A Visit from Dr. Goodsex" is fun. I'm liking "We Love Prison" which is more typical of post-hardcore and less powerviolencey than other songs imo. The style switch in "Flip the Tapes" is cool and especially impressive seeing as the whole song is < 30s. "Tigers" is a masterpiece. It's slow compared to the rest of the album but the main riff is good and the lyrics are fun ("I make love in theory and touch myself in practice" is a banger of a line and the whole thing is making fun of intellectuals). Sound effects at the start of "Let's Commodify Sexuality" are great. The drum break/solo at the beginning of "Discourse of Desire" would be fun to sample for something. "None More Black" is good. 

This album is whatever. There's parts I like and I'm impressed how much can be fit in very short run times, but in the end it isn't really my style. Better than most grindcore though (all grindcore?).

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Last album for this post, at number 35, is Coheed and Cambria's Good Apollo, I’m Burning Star IV, Volume One: From Fear Through the Eyes of Madness. Wait since when was Coheed and Cambria emo and the article even acknowledges that this is when they went really prog. I know that emo and prog aren't anathema to each other (lots of math rock in emo after all) but it still feels weird. I haven't listened to Coheed and Cambria since high school and even then it was a pretty rare occurrence (usually tied to pony music videos I think). But here we go I guess (also 70 minutes of sci fi rock opera? This better be amazing, else I'm going to die).

So it starts off with slow strings and a piano? I mean not my thing but the piano riff is cool enough I guess. Decent atmosphere? Not a big fan of "Always and Never". It's a nice little soft song but I prefer my falsettos screamed. Cool synths I guess (especially at the end)?  [At this point I change the playlist I'm using because I got the single version/music video version of the next song]. "Welcome Home" has a good riff but I prefer it before it goes electric. Not a fan of the vocals (cue the people who are like "but you love the Brave Little Abacus!" Yeah, that's why I don't like these vocals). Oh no, a solo while cellos (?) are plagiarizing "Kashmir". "Ten Speed" is whatever. More guitar wank but it isn't twinkly. "Crossing the Frame" has some crescendo/buildup which I like and a good bass. Still doesn't grab me all that much. "Writing Writer" is okay. My favorite part might be the bridge, since the drums, bass and synths are being cool. I think I actually like "Once Upon Your Dead Body". Good bass, good rhythm guitar and I am sort of actually listening to the lyrics. "The Suffering" is fine. I like the piano and the heys. "Mother May" is decent. 

And now onto the four 7 minute songs all called "Willing Well" (I can't stand prog). The start of "I" is good but then it's just a regular song (with a cool bass, tbf). Well a regular song that changes a bunch, but not really in a way I like. "II" has a nice bounce near the beginning but that's about it. And I guess I like how it sounds kind of jolly/upbeat (the first 2 minutes at least). Yeah I stop liking it after about that point, with some minor exceptions. "III" starts like "Event Horizon" (by Šyþed Pyklez, not Coheed and Cambria) but getting faster instead of slower. We had the same idea though. And then the songs diverge wildly ("Event Horizon" is better). Don't like where this is going 4 minutes in (the kinda start/stoppy section). I liked the end though. Same could be said about "IV", the outro is the best part. Might be one of my favorite parts of the album actually. 

It's not like this album is bad or anything. Didn't want to completely turn it off or anything. I can see why other people would like it. But I just don't vibe with it. And I'm annoyed that this took a spot on the list. Maybe the lyrics are emo (I didn't care to pay attention) but musically it isn't at all. Unlike Love and Death (which I complained about last time) I can't even think of a good reason for this being in the running for this list at all. I'm not saying it stole the spot from just got back from the discomfort... (it should have been on the list but no one knew about Brave Little Abacus in 2016, especially not the weirdos at Rolling Stone) but there's plenty of more deserving, actual emo albums. So I'm a bit miffed. I've heard their first (and to lesser extent second) album actually is pretty post-hardcore/emo so maybe that would have been a better inclusion. But alas.

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Well six albums in and only three were unambiguously emo. Not a great start to this list. Two were sort of emo (and definitely associated with emo in pop culture so the inclusion makes enough sense) and one I don't get how it made the list at all. Looking forward to the next set, which has some bands I've heard of and some I haven't but even the ones I've heard of I don't think I've listened to the albums. So that should be fun. 

Dog Days 1-3

Yes, I know the dog days started earlier this month but it's been hot so give me my artistic license.Monday I had an excuse for not writing, but yesterday I was just lazy. Anyway, a recap.

Since our shower is broken, I went to my office early to shower at the gym. Figured I might as well run before that so I did a 45 minute run. Listened to just got back... for the first time and I've listened to it like twice since. It's amazing, I love this band so much. No wonder they have such good scores on Rate Your Music. Spent most of Monday working on tables and other things for Tuesday's meeting. Went to FHE (which was a hot like 7 mile bike ride away) at the Nature Conservatory and saw some old mounds, a spring and a very nice view of the prairie. Got a ride back to my office and then worked some more until like 11. Went home, at a quick dinner and went to bed.

Got up early Tuesday once again to shower (and to finish what I was working on Monday). Had my meeting and got new tasks. Then I sat around waiting for my appointment. The appointment went well, took like 2 hours. Very interrogated but in a good way. My assessment was agreed with, so I guess my BD 2 diagnosis is official now. Was prescribed the drug I thought I would be as well. I am afraid that I maybe I stressed the camping trip too much but that's just me second guessing myself I think. I was clearly hypomanic (I think) and that effectively rules out unipolar depression. Diagnosis is hard. After the appointment I went to help a friend move apartments. Then I went home and just kinda lay around because it was a tiring day. Should've done more work, but I didn't. Didn't even get around to folding my clothes. I think I did play the bass though. Can't remember. 

Today I got up early to go running. Did that and had breakfast at my friend's apartment afterwards. Then I went to the gym and showered. Had lunch with friends, on my way out I realized I lost my office key at the gym. Went back to the office, worked a bit and then played Catan. Went to the gym and then headed over to the Union for free ice cream followed by the library to look for old census records for work. I found the ones we were looking for and now know what maps we need. Not as great as I hoped but should be able to give us something. I can handle the geocoding and stuff. Then went to help my friend finish moving for a bit and then off to the pharmacy to pick up my drugs. Made dinner at home (no institute today), folded laundry, finished Unicorn Warriors Eternal and two more episodes of Cowboy Bebop. Did this. 

Need to write some emails and finish my tables tomorrow morning before my meeting, so there's that. Yet another early day. I'm exhausted right now. Probably a side effect of the drug (as the pharmacist said), though spending 16, 12 and 12 hours away from home for the past 3 days probably hasn't helped. I live a busy life. I feel fine otherwise and have been sleeping through the night.

Nauvoo Trip and some more (Summer Days 29-33 or something)

I've been really busy (or at least coming home late when I'm home at all) and lazy. I won't cover everything, just the important stuff.

I had a bunch of meeting Wednesday, along with running and institute. I also went to donate blood but was still slightly anemic. I'll try once more before my trip. Got a t-shirt though. Institute was fine. Got home late and didn't bother folding my clothes (my clothes remain unfolded so I'll do that after this).

Thursday's big event was watching Barbie and Oppenheimer (Oppenheimer first). I went to the office to do work (and get a ride to the movies...I took the bus and everything) but ended up having to go home fairly soon because new/old roommate was moving in a day earlier than expected. So I ended up biking to the movies. Both were very good. Oppenheimer is the better movie but Barbie was very fun even if it dragged on a bit near the end (and quite frankly, Ken's storyline doesn't really feel resolved). Ken's song should get Best Original Song as the Oscars next year. It also needs a midwest emo cover ASAP. Like yeah the 80s rock/ballad style fits better with Ken's personality but those lyrics scream emo. 

I had a bunch of meetings Friday morning so I went to the office to do those before heading back home. Packed and then took the bus to the church (three transfers!) for Nauvoo. Rode in a car with a bunch of new people, almost all of whom are real into DnD so we talked a lot about that. The rout we took went through a whole bunch of back roads, which was weird. Between that and dinner, we didn't arrive until after 11. Played a bit of cards and then went to bed. 

I got up a little before 6 so that I could shower before my 8am initiatory appointment. Wasn't the first person up, but was pretty close. Got dressed and then caught a ride with the other person who had the same idea (we're both social misanthropes, which is something we've bonded over quite a bit). Wandered around the temple grounds while listening to Low's "The Lamb" since that's a very appropriate song for the circumstances. Nauvoo is one of my favorite temples honestly. They don't build them like this anymore. Went in, printed names, saw Joseph Smith's sword (which was a family artifact before whoever inherited it gave it to the church), did initiatories for the first time in like over 5 years. I'd forgotten the blessings associated with it so that was a nice reminder of my potential. Five names goes pretty fast so I was done by 8:20 or so and out the door by about 830. Walked back to where we were staying (a little less than a mile and luckily on a flat surface). Played the blue, out of tune street piano a bit on my way back. Changed into my civilian clothes and then went with my car to explore. First we went to the old cemetery (which is apparently newer than the pioneer cemetery) and then down to old town. We checked out the Browning shop (which was new for me), the tin shop and watched some dancers before heading back to our place to get ready for endowments. I had already decided I wasn't doing a session (once again, a good choice) but did get talked into doing baptisms, the first I'd done in 4.5 years. It could have gone smoother. I forgot about confirmations so after changing out of my wet clothes, I just walked out through a non-descript side exit and had to do the walk of shame through the main entrance back to the baptistry. But the ordinances themselves were good. Even with pictures, we still got back before the endowment people. Changed into civilian clothes again and we decided as a group to go to Carthage before the rush. I rode over. I'd done Carthage before so it was whatever. On the ride over and back I talked about life with previously mentioned misanthropic friend. I ended up telling her about Her and how I was sort of engaged, which was a story she'd been waiting like 3 weeks to hear (I mentioned at a party that I had experiencing seducing rich people but that the party wasn't the time to tell it). 

Get back to the house and then walk to the visitor's center with a few people (and finally got more context on the question. At least I can safely say that I accept the answer now. That didn't take too long). Ran into another person and so it was the five of us for the rest of the night. After doing the scavenger hunt at the visitor's center and getting bricks, we headed back for dinner but decided to just buy rice bowls instead. Over the course of all this, we talked about all sorts of things including how we definitely were a group of side characters in whatever tv show we're in, my thoughts on anarchism which are probably pretty illogical but have good vibes, and cults. After dinner we went to the pageant area but it was before anything started so we walked over to the Smith family graveyard and sat for a while there. The marsh was very pretty (4.5 star marsh) and I bird watched a bit (saw a heron) while listening to Low's Double Negative since that seemed very appropriate and isolating. Of course that meant I didn't realize when people were trying to talk to me, lol. I left the group (more people were coming to the site and while I like the people in that group, I didn't want to be in a crowd) and started down the river. Ended up running into Bishop and his wife and talked to them for a bit. By that point the rest of my group caught up and we walked along the river and admired the sunset before heading over to the pageant. I didn't want to do the pageant so I just walked back to the house (up a hill and playing the piano on the way, of course). Hung out at the house and got asked more about my life by the other person who didn't want to go to the pageant (while she also vented to me about a bunch of things). That was a really hard (open ended) question to answer. Around 9:30 walked back to the temple. After waiting for it to light up (the signal that the pageant was going to end) I headed over to the piano and started playing it (I decided to work on learning "Wine, Women and Song" because that's a good one for a very out of tune piano) since I thought it would be funny to play piano in the dark as people passed by. Well not many people passed by, in fact it was basically just people from the ward. The first was the couple I'd been hanging out with earlier and they found it very funny and on brand that the random person playing piano in the dark was me. I didn't go back with them though because I didn't want to cockblock. Next group was the other half of the group I'd been with earlier (plus some others) and I went with them. They also thought it was funny. I should also mention that both groups had actually guessed that the person was me, from off in a distance. Anyway got back, showered and went to sleep. Well, lay in bed wanting to go to sleep. 

Fell asleep by 1 and was already awake by like 4:45. Stayed in bed half asleep until like 5:55 though. Then I got up, stripped the bed, got dressed and ate breakfast. Helped with other clean up stuff and my car left around 7:10 (we were one of the last because we helped). It's 4.5 hours to Madison and we were at the church by like 11:30...so we went fast. I slept like the whole car ride. Well maybe 3 hours of it. Was dead tired in sacrament meeting. Took attendance for Elder's quorum and then skipped out on the rest of it. Got a ride home with someone else who was tired and skipping 2nd hour. Got home, learned that we can't use the shower due to a leak and took a nap. Then just worked on various things all afternoon and evening I guess. Played bass (I can do "Where is my mind" pretty much b memory; also worked on natural harmonics). Did the dishes. Cooked two dinners (I didn't really have lunch and breakfast was tiny but that was still pretty excessive). Finally got around to listening to Brave Little Abacus and have decided they are the only non-Šyþed Pyklez/Ghelded Kultz band that actually have the shithe spirit (oh last night I also admitted that I still write songs and sometimes they relate to my feelings). Not wanting fans to pay for music, being noisy and experimental and singing poorly and so forth. Still better musicians and lyricists though. And now I'm writing this and not folding my laundry because it's late and I have a very long and busy day tomorrow.

I've felt pretty good these last few days, but in a non manic way. A nice change from the last ward trip. I have my appointment on Tuesday and finished the paperwork Friday. I'm really hoping that I can express myself well and start to get help. I'm fine now (and have been for a month, contextual week feeling bummed out aside), but I was fine in May too and all regular readers now how that turned out. Saturday was genuinely one of the nicest, happiest days I've had in a while (and no uncontrollable crying and depression afterwards!). I was a normal person (emotionally, at least). I think I actually do feel peace at the temple. Whodathunk?  

Camping July 2023 (Summer Days 26, 27 and 28)

Well, I can confirm that the June freakout was definitely a hypomanic episode and not just how I get camping (I already knew that, but it is quite clear after this late week). Also I'm so tired. Four days at the lake is a lot. 

So Sunday morning I got up early to go running. Did my 4 miles (a little above a 10 minute pace) and then went home to rest and shower. Cleaned house, did some other administrative things and then packed for camping (which was really easy). Got picked up a little before 2 and then we went shopping before taking the east path to Devil's Lake, though Google did some really weird routing. Set up camp (right across from where we camped last year), cooked, played games and chat. It was nice. As people went to bed around 10:30 I went for a walk to try to find a good view of the northern horizon for the possible light show. The stars were nice but Lady A didn't show her face. Went to sleep around midnight I think. Woke up cold in the middle of the night so I actually took out my sleeping bag. 

Woke up a couple of other times, but otherwise mostly slept until like 7, which is good for camping. Took a walk after warming up. We had a pretty late breakfast (I don't know how people can sleep in so late camping, I guess being in the trees really helped). Went over to the lake and hiked/climbed a bit. Ate lunch together and then split into groups for different activities. My group climbed a bit more before doing the fastest lake loop I've ever done (going up the east bluff too instead of taking the tracks). Played cards by the lake and swam for a bit. It was kind of a cold day so while I could have swam much longer, no one else was up for it. We went back to camp, ate dinner, played more cards (I got pretty good at this one game before failing epically the third match) and retired after 11. I fell asleep pretty fast and other than waking up once at like 6 slept till my alarm at 7.

After about 10 minutes I got up, changed and started packing up inside my tent. My external battery died in the night and I forgot to turn on airplane mode so my phone was only like 45% charged. Went for a little walk and packed up some more. Ate breakfast and broke camp. We left around 11/11:30. Got back to Madison, took a shower and rested for a bit and then started prepping for DnD. I found a one shot that had pretty good reviews, started reading up on the rules for 5e which are different than 3.5/pathfinder and 4e and got to work. My main goal was to introduce our new people to the basic ideas behind character creation and mechanics so I was trying to keep other things simple. I found some things to use as figures (not the figurines I was looking for), my missing mission journal (I didn't actually write directly about the bad night in it, though it's still a very depressing journal), my demon mask (there was an imp character and yes I did a voice as well), and my lonely planet book (for my trip in October). I went to our apartment business center to print character sheets and a grid but the printer was out of paper so I did a really quick trip to my office instead. I also did the rest of my laundry and vacuumed the living room.

Our first 30 minutes were spent explaining the character sheet and designing characters. Which is pretty good, since we didn't have a big focus on backgrounds for this. That will be more important as we set up an actual campaign.

So the party was extremely good at breaking the game. They figured out one of the twists before we even started the adventure. They were also (accidentally) doing things to find out the different traps before I could even spring them. The monsters not rolling great also helped (I need to get an initiative tracker. Or mini white board). But it was really fun and we had some great moments like completely wrecking a giant frog and some clever ways of getting around various things. For time's sake I skipped some of the less necessary rooms (making a map would've been helpful...though them doing the dungeon out of order made it less of a problem) and the final boss (if someone had managed to spring the trap then I still would've done that fight but they managed to accidentally find it).

But yeah it was really fun and we're discussing ways to keep this casual and easy for people to drop in and out. Probably going to run an adventurers' guild type campaign. That will also allow for multiple DMs which will make it easier for myself as well. I'll send a write up to the group and see how the people who couldn't make it tonight feel about that. 

Anyway, tomorrow I have a lot of work, along with like 4 different appointments/meetings. I need to fold laundry too (will probably toss it on the floor for tonight) and also finish my pre-check up paper work before COB Friday. It's a really busy two days for me. Like actual 8-6 days. That is the downside of taking a 4 day weekend. 

Feeling pretty good, but tired. I like being normal. We'll see when the depression comes back.  

Summer Days 24 and 25

 Once again double posting due to laziness. Not the worst thing in the world. 

So yesterday (Friday) I got up and was pretty lazy about getting out of bed. As I was getting ready to go to work, my coworker came over so that I could help fix his bike as I promised I'd do. Replacing the chain was easy but I managed to royally screw up switching out the breaks. I could not for the life of me get them properly aligned and just kept making things worse. Man I hate rim breaks. So that really soured my mood and I just worked from home for the rest of the day.

I was going to go for a run (doing the 8 mile loop that I haven't done yet, just to see if I have the endurance for it) but the weather was threatening rain so I didn't. I probably could have squeezed in the run but oh well. I ended up recording the vocals for "Fishing for Birds". The first 4 verses and the choruses turned out pretty well I think. At least, as well as a non-pop singer like me is going to get. The last two verses need work, because I've lost my ability to emo scream. I'll probably record them so that they are more aligned with the bass line I was playing (which also needs to be rerecorded. Not sure when, new roommate comes next week and I don't want to bother him if he's working...or not working...from home). Anyway, now I need to set up the drums an pads and basically finish out all the instrumentation. It's weird for me to record the vocals first, but that felt most right for this song.

Oh my sister got engaged and I forgot to do laundry. 

Today was the first Saturday in a while where I actually slept in. Like 8:30! It was pretty restless sleep though. Didn't do much in the morning, just prepariong for the rest of the day. Around 10:30/11 we headed off to Devil's Lake for a picnic with my roommate's family's ward, to swim and to climb. I ate a lot of food in preparation of the swim across the lake. We swam from south shore to north shore (which based on google, was probably over a mile), rested at north shore for a while and then swam back. Now I actually only swam (completely unassisted) like 1.75 miles (okay maybe a bit more, it's ambiguous), since on the way back I went on a detour with my roommate to check out some rocks (I did climb them, wet hands and no shoes) so he pulled me with the kayak. Was still kicking but assistance is assistance. Ate more and then we went over to climb. Did a couple of problems. Most impressive was one that was meant to be done with no hands but even with hands was really hard. The main issue was the lack of good holds up top, so I basically had to throw my knee up top to give myself enough support to get over. Getting down was pretty difficult too. Then we went home, I started laundry, watched Unicorn Warriors Eternal (one episode to go!) showered and wrote this.

I need to figure out a one-shot (maybe 2 shot) to play by Tuesday evening. Kind of on a time crunch. Yay. Oh and I'm running tomorrow morning before going on a two day camping trip (to Devil's Lake). So I need to prep for that. Then Wednesday is going to be really busy because I have to catch up on work, along with my other regular Wednesday activities and also donating blood. Wow it's a lot.

Summer Days 22 and 23

I was lazy okay.

Got up yesterday and went for a run, then watched the Tour de France at my friend's house. Went tothe gym to shower. Went to my office and then had lunch with people from church. Went back to my office, played Catan and then worked some more. Eventually went and got dinner, returned to the office for a bit and then went to institute. Institute went well and I went home afterwards because I was tired and didn't feel like socializing.

Felt fine.

Today I got up and even made it out of the house at a fairly reasonable time. Went climbing and ended up scrapping my shin pretty early in the session, but since the bleeding wasn't too bad I kept on going. Did some work (not enough, I really need to drill down on the tables tomorrow. Also need to contact a few people). Hung around the office. Around 6 went over to the student union for a concert. Because of rain, the concert was delayed by about 45 minutes as the bands did their soundchecks. First band was a local noise rock sort of outfit (Interlay). I liked them quite a bit, they might be one of my favorite local bands so far. Then Deerhoof started playing but after two songs the concert was cancelled due to lightning. Which was dumb because we could see that the storm was far away and heading away from us but rules are rules. A pretty great two songs though, I wish I could have heard more (and not just listen to it on youtube). Oh well.

Went home, did some stuff on reddit and here I am. Once again, I'm feeling fine as far as I can tell. Less than 2 weeks till my appointment, will probably still be feeling fine then (this is a good thing, will hopefully make getting help easier, not harder).

Oh and I need to find a one shot ASAP. I'm running it Tuesday.

Summer Day 21

Woke up like less than hour after falling asleep, due to thunder. But after that disorientation, I went back to sleep and I think I slept fine. Forgot to set my alarm so I didn't get up till 8. Had a weird dream with a very diverse cast of people and also I kept doing one handed crimp pull-ups. Figured that I could work from home today. So I did. 

In the afternoon, did a quick jaunt to Walmart to buy pita bread. Spent much of the afternoon napping/lying in bed, which really wasn't great (it's like I do when I'm depressed, except I don't feel depressed). Went downstairs and cooked shakshuka, which was quite easy. Fed the missionaries and had a nice lesson with them. Quickly did dishes (really easy this time) and then did a quick ride on the boardwalk. Came home and was unproductive (but whatever). Sent a message on mutual with less than an hour before the match expired. I'm not super interested in her but she seems like an interesting person to talk to (and based on my facebook stalking, knows family). I have another match I need to talk to as well so I should do that tomorrow (just not interested in the last of my 3 matches, there's very little to go off in her profile and I was shocked she even had swiped up on me). Otherwise can't say that my foray into online dating again has gone great but whatever. I need to put myself out there again. 

Getting up to run tomorrow. And institute starts again. And maybe there will be an aurora (but probably not). So it's a really busy day. Also I need to actually get some real work done, both for my boss and my proposal. 

Summer Day 20

Flat out forgot to do this last night. Uhh I think I might have woken up early, I can't remember? Anyway made it out the house a bit later than I intended but still was in the office by like 9ish. Work was mostly normal. I wrote some things, met with my boss (finally have a roadmap of what she wants!) and hung around wait to go to FHE.

Told my coworkers what happened, both because people asked and because I was apologizing for being a grump last week. Got sympathy (which I didn't want but whatever) and moved on. I really am doing better and since I like the both of them and consider them to be friends, I do want them to be happy. 

FHE was bingo and was extremely chaotic. Which I approve of. Socialized with people afterwards and then headed home. Nothing major, chilled with roommates after getting home, listened to an album and yeah that's about it. Pretty chill day over all. 

e: I completely forgot to mention that I bought tickets so my "work trip" in September/October is official now.

Summer Day 19

Woke up before my alarm I think but my window was open so that's fine. Waited for the alarm and went downstairs to make klepon. Getting the consistency of the dough was hard, the recipe I used was too skimpy on the rice flour, which left it much too sticky. I made a lot of my balls too big/doughy. A number of the klepon exploded either while cooking or while I was taking them out and coating them in coconut. But overall it was a success and I got good feedback at the potluck.

Church was fine. Not much to report. Enduring to the end is a funny joke because there is no end. Oh and one person admitted to being seriously depressed/having frequent suicidal thoughts. I already kinda knew that about him (vibes plus he had a depressive episode a few weeks back) but I think it may have been a bit much for people who haven't experienced suicidal thoughts (and sometimes I forget that that's most people). I'm glad my depression isn't that bad, even if it can feel a bit imposter syndromey at times. We had lots of food at the potluck.

Went home and lay around for a bit before finishing washing the dishes. Started looking at workaways as well, since then I might be able to go places I've never been. I think I'm going to pull the trigger tomorrow and book tickets, probably after I tell my advisor my plans. I'll have a bit under a month (based on ticket prices, visas and wanting to be back for Halloween), which I'll probably split between Jakarta talking with economists (insyallah), Surabaya to talk to teachers/chill and then one or two workaway locations to talk with ordinary people and try to see what teenagers are thinking as they make their schooling decisions (among other things). I do intend to do some work even if my real goal is to abandon my responsibilities for a while because I'm going crazy here. 

Despite being hot the weather was fairly nice so I did a ride around 24 miles. Ate dinner, scrolled through mutual. I have 3 people to contact right now, one runs out soon (I did find her academic profile though). I hate online dating, but I made a promise that I'd move on and try. Didn't work on "Fishing for Birds". Did work on this and some other projects. 

Feeling fine. Got through church without being upset about the thing. I should talk to her though, make sure she knows I still consider and want her to be my friend. Maybe institute?

Summer Day 18

Got up around 7 and by about 7:30ish was out the door. Went to the farmers' market but couldn't find kangkung yet again. Went to the climbing gym and spent like an hour there. Checked out the art fair. Lots of bird paintings. And other things but I know what I was looking for. 

Then I went to my friend's apartment to help him move. Mostly just a handful of boxes and some not too heavy furniture. I finally met Michael Carter, hilariously enough. Or at least met him again since I did briefly meet him at the Davis "visit" day. Anyway, we had the truck loaded up by 12:30 but I had to head to the church for a baptism so I didn't go to unload at his new apartment. 

Got to the church and quickly changed into business casual. The baptism had good attendance. Guy had to get dunked 4 times since his leg kept coming up. Hung out a bit after the baptism. I quite like a number of our new move ins (well the guys at least, no replacement crush yet to pine over).

Got a ride over to a friend's house where we made a boffer bastard sword. Hung out a bit longer. Went to walmart since it was on the way home. Just needed a couple ingredients from Tuesday; I otherwise have way too much food right now. Got home (had been 10 hours out of house by that point), briefly sat down and roommate ended up coming home way earlier than I expected (apparently he didn't go on the trip either after all). 

Hung out with roommate and his girlfriend for a while, which was nice since I hadn't done that in a bit. Went upstairs and decided to actually play video games. First time in a quite a while. Probably a month. Slowly getting through the Xenoblade DLC. Finally starting to get to the crazy stuff. Still think the general premise of the DLC is dumb but ehh it's fun. Probably won't reach the heights of the main game though (which I stand by saying is the best in the series). After many hours of that, went downstairs to eat dinner (grilled cheese) and watch an episode of Unicorn Warriors Eternal and a couple episodes of Cowboy Bebop (which really is GOATed). Came upstairs to write this. Gonna go to bes soon, gotta get up early tomorrow to cook klepon for the potluck.

Made two matches on mutual today, both were kinda surprising. So uhh, guess I'll actually need to chat up the people tomorrow (plus the one I haven't reached out to yet). I hate this part. Why can't mutual be more like bumble?

Feeling pretty good overall. Not fully over it but more accepting and like I said I would, I'm actually starting to try to move forward with something, anything rather than sitting around like I did for 4 months.

Summer Day 17

I think I woke up early today but I can't remember. Didn't get out of the house until after lunch though, which is fine because I wasn't in a rush. At work I almost yelled at a coworker because he was annoying me (I didn't but my voice was definitely raising. I try to keep my cool but certain people make that really difficult). I then kicked him out my office, slammed the door and didn't leave my office until I left to go home. I downloaded some data but it was too big and crashed my computer, so it took me like an hour to get that back under control and by then I lost my steam to actually do data analysis. I'll do it Sunday.

Went home, just barely beat the rain. Rain meant I didn't go running. I stayed home and worked on Fishing for Birds instead. I have a melody for the chorus, figured out how to make the vocals sound a bit more upbeat and am slowly piecing everything together. It probably won't be the perfect pop song though (then again, the entertainment was also bizarre yet it still hypnotized people). Hopefully will be done by next week. I need to relearn to emo scream though. 

Oh yeah, I started a new hobbyist project because why not. And I'm getting up early on a Saturday yet again (but am skipping out of a boating trip this time. I guess I could of gone but I was left out of the planning and am a bit annoyed about that and also it's okay to take a break).

Outburst at work aside, I'm feeling fine. Have an appetite. Don't feel down. Still feel tired but that's cause I do things. So yeah, take that question.

Rolling Stone's 40 Greatest Emo Albums of all Time: 40-39

I felt it would be good to do some actual hobby stuff on this blog again, instead of just whining about my feelings. I enjoy complaining about music and I happened to have this article open on a tab since I was reading about Shmap'n Shmazz so why not go through all 40 albums and see what happens. Of course, the fact that it's a list of emo albums means that I'm not really avoiding the whining about my feelings part, but on the other hand. Also I swear I listen to things other than emo. In fact most of what I listen to is probably closer to alternative/indie rock (especially of the garage variety). Or like quiet indie pop singer-song writers. I'm not that much of a stereotype! (Well I am, but in a hipster way)

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The first album on the list is In Love and Death by the Used. I've never gone out of my way to listen to the Used. In fact, despite being well aware of them since high school (mostly because I knew what bands had mormon ties), I don't think I've ever listened to a song by them before this. If this is their best album, I guess I wasn't missing much.

I mean the album is fine. I can see why people who like 3rd wave emo like it (I'm not a huge fan of the genre outside of Jimmy Eat World...middle school biases will always remain I guess 😛... and for that matter I think most people consider JEW 2nd wave even though they have that pop sound associated with the 3rd wave. Then again waves are about time periods more than sound. It's not like 2nd wave= midwest and 3rd wave = emo pop even if those were the dominant genres during the waves. But I digress). I can also see why people might like the lyrics but none of the songs really pulled me hard enough to actually bother looking at them or thinking about them. My guess is that they are probably cringe for emo, which is already the cringest of all genres (Šyþed Pyklez is an emo band, actually). None of the music/guitar work really got to me either. It just was there.

Favorite songs? Uhhh I think I liked "Let it Bleed", "Light with a Sharpened Edge" and "Lunacy Fringe". No idea what any of them are about but I'm pretty sure those were the ones I liked the most. Not gonna bother going back and checking, let alone relistening to them.

So yeah, that's In Love and Death. I'm sure it's very deep and I guess putting something from them on the list works from a representation standpoint. But this got in over 10 Songs? Or something by Marietta? Or please be nice (okay this one might've been too obscure)? I'll also note here that the article says it was published in 2019 but the text seems to indicate it was actually made in 2016 and there's only one album post 2008. So they're missing a lot of good stuff even ignoring that they couldn't rank albums from the future (Somewhere City is a perfect album, dammit, even if some of Origami Angel's later work has higher highs).

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The next album is A Fever You Can't Sweat Out by Panic! at the Disco. I actually have listened to this album before, in fact it might be the only P!atD album I've listened to. I seem to recall it being a bit too poppy/theatrical for my liking (though still good) but we'll see how I feel this time through. 

Pretty strong opening to be honest. "The Only Difference Between Martyrdom And Suicide Is Press Coverage" is a fun, punchy song, has good bass and fun electronic stuff (also this band is one that loved absurd titles. I forgot for a second). Next few songs are fine but not as fun as that first (technically second) one. "Time to Dance" doesn't even feel as danceable as you'd think given the title. Where's the bass? "Intermission" is good. It's not emo (from a genre standpoint, honestly this whole album is pretty borderline but that's Rolling Stone for you), but it's good.

Less of a fan of the second half of the album, probably to the surprise of no one. There's some pretty fun stuff on it but I have a complicated relationship with theater kids. The bass intro on "I Constantly Thank God For Esteban" (and the spanishish guitar) is pretty sweet.

I think this is another band that people really like the lyrics of but I don't care enough to look at them. Also I'm pretty sure they're they're probably a lot cleverer and less "emo" than most "emo" bands. Take that as you will.  

Based on the above my favorite songs are "The Only Difference...", "Intermission" and "Esteban" which I think is a pretty unpopular opinion overall. Which checks out honestly.

To be quite frank I know P!atD is strongly associated with emo in pop culture but this album is probably one of the biggest offenders on the list (and the entry actually recognizes this). Good album (I certainly like it more than In Love and Death) but barely emo adjacent at best. It's not even that pop punky so it's not covering that side of the genre either.    

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It's pretty funny that both of these albums have Mormon ties (and I think are the only albums on the list that do). Apostates, but ties all the same. Doctrines of Salvation will put Šyþed Pyklez into this esteemed (?) group, though not apostate. And also not having any emo songs since the album is basically electronica (and emotions).

Summer Day 16

So I'm pretty much feeling better. Not completely over but hey, I occasionally think about Rebound and I haven't seen her in like 4 years. 

Can't remember if I woke up before my alarm but I did do a decent job at getting out of bed. I was even out of the house by 8:30. Of course when I got to my office I learned my meeting was cancelled but whatever. Sat around, read some papers, ate lunch (leftover laab) and eventually went down to meet with my advisor (there was also a nap in there, I think). We went over grant proposal stuff and I have some actual work to do.

Hung around the office some more and then went to the park to play soccer/kick around a soccer ball. It was actually nice out. Went home. Sat around and read some stuff. Did dishes (after cooking some grilled cheese at 11:30, I was lazy making dinner) and broke a plate. Ooops, will see if I can fix it (it was a very clean break).

 That's pretty much it. I'm super late going to bed today, I wonder if that's at all related to the mountain dew I had earlier (oh yeah, I went to check on the vending machine since it wasn't taking cash and learned two cans exploded. Don't know how but they frozen. The cash issue was completely unrelated but I got that fixed too).  

Summer Day 15

Woke up at 5:50, before my alarm at 6. Gathered all my stuff, dropped things off at the office and went running. It was hot so we went pretty slow. Hung out a bit, took a shower at the gym and went to the office. Had meeting with the new grad student president to sort out some money stuff. Didn't really work.

Had lunch with people in the ward. Since I have lots of leftover laab, I shared that and it was a hit. We ended lunch when it started raining. Took a nap in my office. Played Catan (and won, I had an insane engine by the end, despite not having any wood). Went back to my office to work/wait out the storm. Didn't really work much, did take another short nap. 

Went home. Meant to do work at home but didn't. And well now it's late. I'll work in the morning.

Feeling a lot better today, especially by the afternoon. Don't think I'm over it yet (and that's fine), but I'm getting back on my feet. Swiped through a bunch of people today, some even seemed vaguely interesting. Only match so far is more of a "you seem like an interesting person to talk to" than any actual interest though. I'm vain.

Summer Day 14 (Indepenence Day)

Still bummed out (honestly more bummed out than yesterday) but I think I'm starting to finally recover. Didn't even consider the Foreign Legion this time.

Woke up before my alarm because of course I did (luckily not too much earlier, I think I still did sleep in a bit). Eventually got out of bed and showered and wrote about patience. Then I messed around on the bass for a while. Worked on some of the songs I like. Around 1ish I finally left my room to eat a quick lunch and then I prepared for our event in the park.

It's like an hour bike ride there and was very hot. And I got rained on. But I made it. Played a bit of volleyball and as I was taking a break there was a(n unexpected) family call so I was on that while cutting pineapple. Then I played some other games and I was just getting stressed by all the people and of course being upset (despite swearing otherwise) so I eventually made up an excuse that I was going to check out a nearby store. Store was closed but that quick bike ride worked and it did calm me down quite a bit. Played kubb and spikeball and was a bit more sociable. 

Went home (slowly and took the long way). Did some noise rock on the bass, workshopping Fishing for Birds. The last two verses are probably going to be a noise rock/emo remix of the earlier verses (coming after the rap bridge...it is a pop song after all), since they're about love and stuff and I that really brings out the bitterness in me. The bitterness I need for that song.

Went over to the park to watch more fireworks. Lots of weaving through cars, it's great to be a cyclist. I recorded lots of the fireworks' booms and crackles with the hope to maybe sample some of them. They might work well for Doctrines of Annihilation (which I want to get progressively glitchier as the song progresses) and I think the crackly fireworks my make for a good shaker-type effect for Pits. Going home I was still pretty upset and of course upset with myself for feeling upset when I promised I wouldn't be. 

Got home, messed around on the wall a bit, wrote out my feelings in the secret diary and you know those made me feel better. I'm not too upset right now. It's valid to feel this way, even if it was just a crush and I wasn't even rejected (technically). I also set my mutual to the whole USA and started swiping a bit. No great pickings yet but you know, that's okay. I'm just dipping my toes back in and seeing what happens. Trying to show I can do it. I'm listening to a best of compilation of mxmtoons right now (because my musical taste is half midwest emo/math rock/old school post hardcore and half waifish indie singer-song writers) and the song the idea of you hit home. But like, it didn't trigger anything bad. More like "yeah I'm pretty dumb and that's okay" and "wow this is so relatable". 

Going running in the morning. And I have a bunch of meetings. And maybe a pool party. And just a lot of stuff going on. Maybe I'll get some work done on Fishing for Birds and really get that bedroom pop vibe I'm looking for. (Would you look at that, the sideline is super relatable too. Not making a move because you don't want to ruin a friendship (and also fear rejection)).

On patience

I am a patient boy

I wait I wait I wait I wait

I wasn't always so patient. I'd get frustrated and angry (I mean I still do). I never wanted to wait. I learned patience (and longsuffering) in many ways. The mission was a big one. Being forced to repeatedly be with people I couldn't stand, all day every day. Things not working out, repeatedly, all day every day. Enduring to the end (of 2 years). 

My life plan not working out. Coming to terms that We couldn't be together. That it was okay to do things slower than my peers. School, careers, relationships, marriage. 

Learning to cope. To just leave situations that were irritating me, making me angry. Taking walks or bike rides to be alone. Learning how to calm down. Realizing that I didn't want to be angry and yell all the time.

I am a patient boy

My time is like water down a drain

Everybody's moving, everybody's moving

Everybody's moving, moving, moving, moving

Please don't leave me to remain

In the waiting room

And yet like all virtues, being too patient isn't a good thing. Just because I shouldn't rush into things because that's what my peers are doing, doesn't mean I shouldn't do those things. I can't just wait for what I want to fall into my lap, even though I've been weirdly successful in the past. 

I only have so much time and it's one thing I can never get back. Even with an eternity, it is a precious resource. Life is short, biological clocks are shorter. 

Please don't leave me to remain, in the waiting room

But I don't sit idly by
I'm planning a big surprise
I'm gonna fight for what I wanna be
And I won't make the same mistakes ('cause I know)
Because I know how much time that wastes (and function)
Function is the key

It's time to move on. To take things into my own hands. I've been sitting idly by for too long. I might not have a big surprise but it is time to fight (myself) to be who I want to be. I'll make new mistakes but hopefully not waste time, waiting. Being patient.   

(Yeah I know this song is probably about being in jail but let me have my moment). 

Summer Day 13 (how auspicious)

So the answer is no. I didn't ask the question (in fact, I didn't even see her today) but in conversation with mutual friends I definitely got that vibe. Maybe it could change later (and maybe it was yes a couple of months ago) but I'm not waiting. I've been getting very strong for the last couple days that it's time to move on and throw myself into the market anyway. So if anything happens between us in the future, it happens but like I said, I'm not waiting. And I'll try to keep our friendship alive, because I do value that a lot.

Got up at 8 (after snoozing an extra hour) and showered. Left home after 9 (could've been sooner but I was lazy). Had a short meeting with a coworker (only because our boss asked that we have one, otherwise there was no reason for it), did a bit of work, ate lunch and went home. On the way home I stopped at the Hmong market to look for pandan flavoring but they were out. The other asian market had some though. So I'm ready for the potluck Sunday. 

At home I cooked. First I made sofrito, which was pretty easy. But now I have so much. Then I prepared everything else for the laab and cooked it. Really wasn't too hard, would've been even easier with a sous chef. Then since I was running a bit late I rushed through all my cassava flour to make casabe.

Dinner went well. The food was delicious and the company was nice. We talked well into the night about random stuff, including planning the craziest party possible (budget: at least 50 million USD). Also I didn't dominate conversation and while witty, wasn't super talkative and instead more attentive. Which was all good. Left quite late and on the way back decided that I'd take the long way and hang out by the lake for a while. So a lot of extra biking in the end. Enjoyed the supermoon though. And got to be alone with my thoughts and work through the fact that that hope is gone. Finally made it home, did the dishes and eventually made my way up to write this (and after this, the secret diary, I guess). 

On the one hand I should feel pretty good. I got to cook, hang out and my coworker moved out. But I am pretty bummed out, even if I'll get over it soon enough. It's only natural and it does feel qualitatively different from a depression type down feeling. Just like how being at the party showed the difference between me being happy and euthymic in semi-familiar company vs when I am hypomanic. I do have a difference in my levels of chattiness. 

I'm tired, it's real late and I have things to do tomorrow.

Summer Day 12

Decided not to run since it's fast sunday. I also got a ride to church for the same reason (it was a pretty nice day though). I'm almost done with Wrestling the Angel so I'll need a new pre-Church book to read. I blessed the sacrament today, so I brought two ties: a regular one to bless the sacrament in and then my red-white-and-blue cravat for afterwards (because independence). Testimonies were fine, as was Sunday School. 

Napped at home, broke my fast and then helped project new routes on the wall. Then I went upstairs, napped a bit more and started operation cassava flour. Peeling the cassava was easy, though I was extra unsure if I got all the skin off or not. Then I soaked the cassava and grated it. I wish I had a finer grater to make the flour less chunky but alas I did not. While grating I watched Unicorn: Warriors Eternal and then the first couple of episodes of Cowboy Bebop. I've quite enjoyed the both of them. After that, it was time to squeeze the water out of the flour by putting it cheesecloth, squeezing and then squeezing some more. That took a while, accompanied by a somewhat awkward religious conversation with the coworker staying here. Not sure how many cups of flour I ended up with, so we'll see how many casabe I'm able to make tomorrow.

I do feel somewhat guilty about this, but I persuaded said coworker that he shouldn't come to church with us today by mentioning how roommate and I go extra early because of meetings. He kinda of drives me crazy and I didn't want that refuge intruded on. So yeah, I'm a bad saint. 

I'm feeling tired (6 hours of sleep really isn't good for me but that's around what I've been getting) but otherwise fine. I think I really am euthymic, let's see if I stay this way. I have some work to do tomorrow morning and then I'm cooking all afternoon (and have to come a bit earlier since I wasn't able to make my sofrito tonight).

Summer Day 11

Slept in (till like 8) for the first time in forever (for a Saturday). Went to Walmart to get more supplies for Monday. Hung out a little and then went to the move. First house was messy, but at least there wasn't much stuff to move. Would've been nice if more things were in boxes. We then went to the next house and that was a disaster. Could barely see the floor disaster. Nothing in boxes, dirty dishes everywhere etc. We did what we could and got the big stuff out but it was really bad. Also the tenants in the place they were moving to were slow getting out, so we couldn't actually go unload the truck. Went home, napped and then went to Walmart again to get some things I forgot (crucially, cheesecloth for making cassava flour tomorrow).

Decided I wanted to read in the park, so I did. Also inflated my tires, which is always nice. Then went over to a friend's house to carpool up to the fireworks. Fireworks were nice, as always. It's fun to see them over the river. Went home. Got stuck playing music/movie/tv show guessing game with guest. Went upstairs to write this.

I'm tired. I'm a bit down, possibly because I'm tired or because the move sucked or because I think I'm done with the question (without a real answer but whatever. It doesn't feel wrong but it also doesn't feel right), at least for now, and that's kinda bumming me out. Maybe later I'll get an answer. Or not. I'm looking forward to cooking tomorrow (well prepping for Monday's cooking). Working less so.  

Summer Day 10

Got home late and my computer was dead, so a day late.

Got up. Made it off to work fairly early I guess. Hung out at work, had lunch with coworkers etc. Did less of my work than I should have. Returned the charger I borrowed (since my new one arrived, though I didn't pick it up). Went to like 3 different markets looking for ingredients for Monday. I did get cassava but couldn't find aji dulces, cubanelle peppers or the exact type of fish sauce I was looking for. Hopefully my substitutions are fine. Dropped that off at home and then went over to a friend's house to carpool to the campsite for our fire (we weren't staying the night, which is why I didn't go with roommate).

Anyway, car ride was nice and so was the fire (which I did help build). Brats turned out fine despite our very unrefined cooking tools. It was nice to hang out and talk (and not be hypomanic like last campout). Went back to friend's house. We talked some more, about life and stuff. Which is always interesting. Rode my bike home. Went to bed. 

I think I felt fine pretty much all day? Like I said, being out in the woods was nice.