Summer Day 15

Woke up at 5:50, before my alarm at 6. Gathered all my stuff, dropped things off at the office and went running. It was hot so we went pretty slow. Hung out a bit, took a shower at the gym and went to the office. Had meeting with the new grad student president to sort out some money stuff. Didn't really work.

Had lunch with people in the ward. Since I have lots of leftover laab, I shared that and it was a hit. We ended lunch when it started raining. Took a nap in my office. Played Catan (and won, I had an insane engine by the end, despite not having any wood). Went back to my office to work/wait out the storm. Didn't really work much, did take another short nap. 

Went home. Meant to do work at home but didn't. And well now it's late. I'll work in the morning.

Feeling a lot better today, especially by the afternoon. Don't think I'm over it yet (and that's fine), but I'm getting back on my feet. Swiped through a bunch of people today, some even seemed vaguely interesting. Only match so far is more of a "you seem like an interesting person to talk to" than any actual interest though. I'm vain.

Summer Day 14 (Indepenence Day)

Still bummed out (honestly more bummed out than yesterday) but I think I'm starting to finally recover. Didn't even consider the Foreign Legion this time.

Woke up before my alarm because of course I did (luckily not too much earlier, I think I still did sleep in a bit). Eventually got out of bed and showered and wrote about patience. Then I messed around on the bass for a while. Worked on some of the songs I like. Around 1ish I finally left my room to eat a quick lunch and then I prepared for our event in the park.

It's like an hour bike ride there and was very hot. And I got rained on. But I made it. Played a bit of volleyball and as I was taking a break there was a(n unexpected) family call so I was on that while cutting pineapple. Then I played some other games and I was just getting stressed by all the people and of course being upset (despite swearing otherwise) so I eventually made up an excuse that I was going to check out a nearby store. Store was closed but that quick bike ride worked and it did calm me down quite a bit. Played kubb and spikeball and was a bit more sociable. 

Went home (slowly and took the long way). Did some noise rock on the bass, workshopping Fishing for Birds. The last two verses are probably going to be a noise rock/emo remix of the earlier verses (coming after the rap bridge...it is a pop song after all), since they're about love and stuff and I that really brings out the bitterness in me. The bitterness I need for that song.

Went over to the park to watch more fireworks. Lots of weaving through cars, it's great to be a cyclist. I recorded lots of the fireworks' booms and crackles with the hope to maybe sample some of them. They might work well for Doctrines of Annihilation (which I want to get progressively glitchier as the song progresses) and I think the crackly fireworks my make for a good shaker-type effect for Pits. Going home I was still pretty upset and of course upset with myself for feeling upset when I promised I wouldn't be. 

Got home, messed around on the wall a bit, wrote out my feelings in the secret diary and you know those made me feel better. I'm not too upset right now. It's valid to feel this way, even if it was just a crush and I wasn't even rejected (technically). I also set my mutual to the whole USA and started swiping a bit. No great pickings yet but you know, that's okay. I'm just dipping my toes back in and seeing what happens. Trying to show I can do it. I'm listening to a best of compilation of mxmtoons right now (because my musical taste is half midwest emo/math rock/old school post hardcore and half waifish indie singer-song writers) and the song the idea of you hit home. But like, it didn't trigger anything bad. More like "yeah I'm pretty dumb and that's okay" and "wow this is so relatable". 

Going running in the morning. And I have a bunch of meetings. And maybe a pool party. And just a lot of stuff going on. Maybe I'll get some work done on Fishing for Birds and really get that bedroom pop vibe I'm looking for. (Would you look at that, the sideline is super relatable too. Not making a move because you don't want to ruin a friendship (and also fear rejection)).

On patience

I am a patient boy

I wait I wait I wait I wait

I wasn't always so patient. I'd get frustrated and angry (I mean I still do). I never wanted to wait. I learned patience (and longsuffering) in many ways. The mission was a big one. Being forced to repeatedly be with people I couldn't stand, all day every day. Things not working out, repeatedly, all day every day. Enduring to the end (of 2 years). 

My life plan not working out. Coming to terms that We couldn't be together. That it was okay to do things slower than my peers. School, careers, relationships, marriage. 

Learning to cope. To just leave situations that were irritating me, making me angry. Taking walks or bike rides to be alone. Learning how to calm down. Realizing that I didn't want to be angry and yell all the time.

I am a patient boy

My time is like water down a drain

Everybody's moving, everybody's moving

Everybody's moving, moving, moving, moving

Please don't leave me to remain

In the waiting room

And yet like all virtues, being too patient isn't a good thing. Just because I shouldn't rush into things because that's what my peers are doing, doesn't mean I shouldn't do those things. I can't just wait for what I want to fall into my lap, even though I've been weirdly successful in the past. 

I only have so much time and it's one thing I can never get back. Even with an eternity, it is a precious resource. Life is short, biological clocks are shorter. 

Please don't leave me to remain, in the waiting room

But I don't sit idly by
I'm planning a big surprise
I'm gonna fight for what I wanna be
And I won't make the same mistakes ('cause I know)
Because I know how much time that wastes (and function)
Function is the key

It's time to move on. To take things into my own hands. I've been sitting idly by for too long. I might not have a big surprise but it is time to fight (myself) to be who I want to be. I'll make new mistakes but hopefully not waste time, waiting. Being patient.   

(Yeah I know this song is probably about being in jail but let me have my moment). 

Summer Day 13 (how auspicious)

So the answer is no. I didn't ask the question (in fact, I didn't even see her today) but in conversation with mutual friends I definitely got that vibe. Maybe it could change later (and maybe it was yes a couple of months ago) but I'm not waiting. I've been getting very strong for the last couple days that it's time to move on and throw myself into the market anyway. So if anything happens between us in the future, it happens but like I said, I'm not waiting. And I'll try to keep our friendship alive, because I do value that a lot.

Got up at 8 (after snoozing an extra hour) and showered. Left home after 9 (could've been sooner but I was lazy). Had a short meeting with a coworker (only because our boss asked that we have one, otherwise there was no reason for it), did a bit of work, ate lunch and went home. On the way home I stopped at the Hmong market to look for pandan flavoring but they were out. The other asian market had some though. So I'm ready for the potluck Sunday. 

At home I cooked. First I made sofrito, which was pretty easy. But now I have so much. Then I prepared everything else for the laab and cooked it. Really wasn't too hard, would've been even easier with a sous chef. Then since I was running a bit late I rushed through all my cassava flour to make casabe.

Dinner went well. The food was delicious and the company was nice. We talked well into the night about random stuff, including planning the craziest party possible (budget: at least 50 million USD). Also I didn't dominate conversation and while witty, wasn't super talkative and instead more attentive. Which was all good. Left quite late and on the way back decided that I'd take the long way and hang out by the lake for a while. So a lot of extra biking in the end. Enjoyed the supermoon though. And got to be alone with my thoughts and work through the fact that that hope is gone. Finally made it home, did the dishes and eventually made my way up to write this (and after this, the secret diary, I guess). 

On the one hand I should feel pretty good. I got to cook, hang out and my coworker moved out. But I am pretty bummed out, even if I'll get over it soon enough. It's only natural and it does feel qualitatively different from a depression type down feeling. Just like how being at the party showed the difference between me being happy and euthymic in semi-familiar company vs when I am hypomanic. I do have a difference in my levels of chattiness. 

I'm tired, it's real late and I have things to do tomorrow.

Summer Day 12

Decided not to run since it's fast sunday. I also got a ride to church for the same reason (it was a pretty nice day though). I'm almost done with Wrestling the Angel so I'll need a new pre-Church book to read. I blessed the sacrament today, so I brought two ties: a regular one to bless the sacrament in and then my red-white-and-blue cravat for afterwards (because independence). Testimonies were fine, as was Sunday School. 

Napped at home, broke my fast and then helped project new routes on the wall. Then I went upstairs, napped a bit more and started operation cassava flour. Peeling the cassava was easy, though I was extra unsure if I got all the skin off or not. Then I soaked the cassava and grated it. I wish I had a finer grater to make the flour less chunky but alas I did not. While grating I watched Unicorn: Warriors Eternal and then the first couple of episodes of Cowboy Bebop. I've quite enjoyed the both of them. After that, it was time to squeeze the water out of the flour by putting it cheesecloth, squeezing and then squeezing some more. That took a while, accompanied by a somewhat awkward religious conversation with the coworker staying here. Not sure how many cups of flour I ended up with, so we'll see how many casabe I'm able to make tomorrow.

I do feel somewhat guilty about this, but I persuaded said coworker that he shouldn't come to church with us today by mentioning how roommate and I go extra early because of meetings. He kinda of drives me crazy and I didn't want that refuge intruded on. So yeah, I'm a bad saint. 

I'm feeling tired (6 hours of sleep really isn't good for me but that's around what I've been getting) but otherwise fine. I think I really am euthymic, let's see if I stay this way. I have some work to do tomorrow morning and then I'm cooking all afternoon (and have to come a bit earlier since I wasn't able to make my sofrito tonight).

Summer Day 11

Slept in (till like 8) for the first time in forever (for a Saturday). Went to Walmart to get more supplies for Monday. Hung out a little and then went to the move. First house was messy, but at least there wasn't much stuff to move. Would've been nice if more things were in boxes. We then went to the next house and that was a disaster. Could barely see the floor disaster. Nothing in boxes, dirty dishes everywhere etc. We did what we could and got the big stuff out but it was really bad. Also the tenants in the place they were moving to were slow getting out, so we couldn't actually go unload the truck. Went home, napped and then went to Walmart again to get some things I forgot (crucially, cheesecloth for making cassava flour tomorrow).

Decided I wanted to read in the park, so I did. Also inflated my tires, which is always nice. Then went over to a friend's house to carpool up to the fireworks. Fireworks were nice, as always. It's fun to see them over the river. Went home. Got stuck playing music/movie/tv show guessing game with guest. Went upstairs to write this.

I'm tired. I'm a bit down, possibly because I'm tired or because the move sucked or because I think I'm done with the question (without a real answer but whatever. It doesn't feel wrong but it also doesn't feel right), at least for now, and that's kinda bumming me out. Maybe later I'll get an answer. Or not. I'm looking forward to cooking tomorrow (well prepping for Monday's cooking). Working less so.  

Summer Day 10

Got home late and my computer was dead, so a day late.

Got up. Made it off to work fairly early I guess. Hung out at work, had lunch with coworkers etc. Did less of my work than I should have. Returned the charger I borrowed (since my new one arrived, though I didn't pick it up). Went to like 3 different markets looking for ingredients for Monday. I did get cassava but couldn't find aji dulces, cubanelle peppers or the exact type of fish sauce I was looking for. Hopefully my substitutions are fine. Dropped that off at home and then went over to a friend's house to carpool to the campsite for our fire (we weren't staying the night, which is why I didn't go with roommate).

Anyway, car ride was nice and so was the fire (which I did help build). Brats turned out fine despite our very unrefined cooking tools. It was nice to hang out and talk (and not be hypomanic like last campout). Went back to friend's house. We talked some more, about life and stuff. Which is always interesting. Rode my bike home. Went to bed. 

I think I felt fine pretty much all day? Like I said, being out in the woods was nice.