Pre-Summer Day 8

Basic summary of the day is I didn't do anything. Except laundry and watching episode 3 of Unicorn Warriors Eternal and the first episode of Primal. And I talked with a friend, who commented that I sounded happier than I did on Monday. Which is true, but still very unmotivated. I went to the office and couldn't get myself to work. I didn't even manage to make it to the climbing gym. My mood is going up (and maybe my appetite?) but still feeling low energy and anhedonic overall, it seems.

I couldn't even get myself to write this.

Pre-Summer Day 7

Woke up before 6 (as is tradition), fell back asleep and slept in till 9. Took a while to get out of bed. Eventually showered, took a phone call and ate lunch. Made it to the office like around 1? Didn't do much at work, despite having work to do. Just wasn't feeling it. I wasn't feeling sad (like Monday or Tuesday or Saturday) but I was feeling low, if that makes sense. Just wasn't really feeling anything I guess, other than tired (despite the 8+ hours of interrupted sleep) and grumpy. 

FHE was making sushi and despite not having much of an appetite and still feeling low, it went well. My mood definitely improved as the night went on (though it's dropped back down a bit). I put way too much wasabi on my sushi...I can still taste hints of it on my breath. Should've brought peanut sauce. 

Came home and didn't do much. More reading. More semi-moping? Listened to some electric eels (Šyþed Pyklez comes from the Cleveland punk tradition for sure) and yeah. At least I feel tired but not too tired? At least I'm not compelled to sleep and just keep sleeping? I dunno. Hopefully within a few weeks this passes.

Pre-Summer Day 6

Feeling okay, not great but better than yesterday. Definitely felt better earlier in the day though.

Got up and then put my alarm on snooze for an hour. Also I definitely woke up well before my alarm and then went to back to sleep. A depression tradition. Got ready for church, biked over. It was hot but I had a sufficient change of clothes so that was fine.

Fast and Testimony meeting wasn't too bad. Not the greatest ever but for the most part on topic. I wasn't very participatory in sunday school. Maybe I had nothing to say, maybe I was a bit too depressed to think of something to say. I ended up telling two people that I'm depressed, sort of. One I actually used the d-word (and he did ask a follow up later on, asking if it was stress so I told him it's just cyclical), the other I just heavily implied it (spending the afternoon crying isn't a normal person thing after all). I'm glad the people here are good, and I like them. 

Went to a cookout after church. I did a tamarind-palm sugar glaze grilled pineapple (with cinnamon and cloves, of course) which turned out real well, though I'm not sure if the glaze actually did anything. Smelled amazing (and tasted great) at the very least. My peanut sauce and sambal were also I hit, though I think I'm the only one who put them on my burger (which was an excellent idea). Talked with some people and yeah it was a good cookout. 

Went home, planned for this weekend's campout (roommate is going so that makes getting there much easier. We'll probably go climbing afterwards), ate terribly (jellybeans and pretzels but not real meals) and didn't do much else. Not sure where the time went. 

Anyway, I'm tired now even though I've really only been up for like 15 hours and only did like 13 miles today. (Atypical) Depression do be like that. 

Oh I need to post more bird pictures, because I now have people asking why I haven't posted in a while. It makes me happy knowing my pictures brighten other people's days.

Pre-Summer Day 5

 In order to hit all my morning plans, I had to get up early. So I did, waking up as terminal insomnia does before 6. I must of fallen back asleep though because I had a really weird dream after that. Anyway, I woke up again at 7 like I meant to, decided to shower and was out the door by 745.

Went to the farmers market with the intent to meet some friends but didn't text when I got there because I just wasn't feeling it. Wandered around the market (apparently at the same time as them lol, they must've been on the other side though) and while I didn't find kangkung I did get daun jeruk and some pepper dip. At 9 I went over to get my free bagel for bike week and I slowly ate it as I biked over to my office to put my stuff in the fridge. 

I then biked to the stake center, a first for me. It took about an hour, could've been faster but I was biking slow. It was riding my bike that the big sad started overcoming me (the signs were of course already there). I'm glad I was already on the road so I could just keep moving forward, but I sure felt awful. I was entirely planning on just sticking around for the devotional, barely eating lunch and then leaving. Definitely not wanting to hang out. 

Devotional went well. My comment about agency clearly impressed Sister Cordon because she referenced it like 3 times afterwards. There were a couple parts I near teared up at, because depression. I went over to the lunch (and was the first person to, hoping that others would follow) and got a sad plate of food. I then sat down and ate...with friends and actually the conversation at lunch was pretty good and I felt a tiny bit better. I was pretty open about feeling awful, though I'm not sure if people realized that what I meant was that I'm depressed. Might have to clear that up if it comes up tomorrow, since I'm trying to be more open and all. I didn't stick around to play volleyball though. I just (slowly) went home, stopping by my office on the way to get my stuff. 

Things for the rest of the day were a little better than expected though. I didn't spend the whole time curled up and crying in bed like I wanted to in the morning. In fact, I didn't cry at all. It did take me a long time to pull myself into the shower and to record a 20 second song (Press Gang Redux) but I did eventually do those things. And I managed to go grocery shopping and got a pineapple to grill at our cookout tomorrow. And sat in on a phone lesson with the missionaries. So like I said, I managed to do things. And sure I still lay around a bunch and didn't do much else and slipped in and out of half sleep (and yet feel tired still) but I wasn't self-loathing and crying. Better than it could be, even if I am clearly depressed.

I will say that the one nice thing about this depressive episode is that I really am just sad. The self-hatred is way toned down and there's not much to feel guilty about. So I just feel bad. Which is better than a lot of my older episodes.   

Pre-Summer Day 4

 Held through this day mostly fine, though I was too tired to actually write this night of.

Got up (at a reasonable hour even) and did normal activities. Ate lunch and took a call from a friend, delaying my (ultimately unneeded) trip to the office. Went to the office and was shocked to find people there. Did my work meeting, so I actually have things to do next week. Which is good, I was going crazy. Went over to a friend's house for a barbecue. Food was very good and so was just hanging out. Things like this are my favorite part of summer. Went home. Didn't want to pull my computer out. Tried to fix the dishwasher but couldn't. Washed dishes and went to bed (before midnight I think?)

There was a nice sunshower as I was riding my bike, so I got to hide under a bridge for 20 minutes. Great fun (it was pretty though).

Like I said, could have felt better but certainly wasn't feeling to bad, lack of energy and motivation aside. And I did do things.

Pre-Summer Day 3

Woke up at like five, took more ibuprofen just in case. Woke up again around 7, got ready to go running. Went running and even at 830 it was already very hot. Did around 4.25 with a just over 10 minute pace, which was pretty good and I was dying by the end, so I need to improve on that. Luckily the itch wasn't too bad. Talked with friends for a while afterwards and then went home (I grabbed McD's on the way). Showered, the itch was coming back a bit but luckily not too bad. Applied aloe. Took more ibuprofen I think. Went off to the movie theater but not before noticing the ward discord seemed to have disappeared (it got deleted? We're still trying to figure out what happened).  Watched Across the Spiderverse on Imax at the first showing (it was 20% off) because I wanted to and quite frankly I feel bad so I'm going to do what makes me happy. Absolutely amazing. Went to Taco Bell to wait 20 minutes and eat (I wasn't even hungry, but I needed a reason to be there). Went to the park for the bird collision corp meet-up + birdwatching event. Did that for a while (watching birds with old people who know what they are doing is fun) and then left to go to the baptism. Baptism went well but no one brought treats so ooops. Went home. Made grilled cheese and ate some cookies (more for calories sake but I think I had a slight appetite. But I also ran a lot and also biked like 30 miles so that's kinda to be figured (even all the fast food together probably only came out to like 1600 calories). Played bass very aggressively and hurt my finger from picking too hard/fast. Press Gang Redux is gonna be awesome. Worked on these posts.

Despite feeling better most of the day (and objectively speaking, being a good day) I feel my mood slipping again. So we'll see how I am tomorrow. Definitely still unmotivated. I much prefer days like today and yesterday, where I'm unmotivated and anhedonic but don't feel sad to days where I feel sad and also only want to curl up in bed.

Across the Spiderverse spoilers incoming. 

Pre-Summer Day 2

Felt less bad today than yesterday or the day before. 

Slept in (disturbed sleep of course, also I went to bed early). Showered like an hour and a half after waking up. Ate lunch (and played bass a bit?). Eventually made it out the door. The itch started around when I got to my office so I very uncomfortably walked over to target to get aloe vera gel. Went back to my office and it mostly wasn't too bad. Sat around, went downstairs to play Catan. Lost. Hung around my office until institute time. Itch got pretty bad but not overwhelmingly so.

Institute was fine, got a t-shirt out of it. On the way home the itch got really bad. Unbearably bad. I felt like I want to die (this happens every few years; the itch, not wanting to die which as we all know is a bit more frequent). Got home, stripped down and threw myself into the shower. Hot water is basically the only thing that dulls the pain and even that is temporary. Realized I forgot my towel, so did a leap of shame and got back just in time for the pain to come back. Stood in the shower some more. Eventually ran out again to get ibuprofen and take that. Showered more. Eventually calmed enough to apply aloe. Didn't really want to do anything except lay in bed, in case the itch came back. Eventually subsided enough to halfheartedly cook dinner (grilled cheese, my appetite really isn't back). Went back to bed. Didn't do this because I didn't want to risk triggering an itch attack. Luckily didn't happen.

Like I said, moodwise I feel a bit better, but I'm still clearly anhedonic. Maybe the pain was distracting enough?