Sayings on the Cross: Reunion

And when Jesus had cried out with a loud voice, He said, “Father, into Thy hands I commend My spirit.” And having said thus, He gave up the ghost. -Luke 23:36. KJ21

Spring Day 19

I forgot to set my alarm to go climbing, but woke up at 7:15 anyway. Still managed to get there later than I meant to though (I went back to sleep for about 20 minutes, after setting my alarm). Continue to progress on some of the problems I've been working on. I really like Friday morning climbs because there's so few people there. 

Went to go teach, got 30 minutes through when the fire alarm went off and abruptly ended the lecture. Talked to some people in the lounge and then went to work. Well, sitting on my computer not recorded the bit of the lecture I hadn't done. Ate lunch, finished grading the late assignments and then recorded the last bits before going to my last class. Did that and then talked with the graduate student coordinator about my advisor situation. Except apparently the faculty decided to give me an exception to keep my old advisor as my current advisor, so that was all cleared up. Hung out in the other lounge, chatting about life and stuff. Went home. Stopped at one asian market on the way home. Was able to get coconut cream, shallots and star anise but not really much else. Tried the other one nearby and got banana leaves (not for easter but I wanted them anyway) but not anything else I was looking for. Walmart had the tomatoes and meat I wanted but still no red chilies (well red chilies that aren't birds eyes). So I'll check yet another asian market tomorrow to hopefully get those, kaffir lime leaves (this blog is now banned in South Africa) and a couple other ingredients I've been searching for. But really just the chilies are essential, can't do telur balado without them. 

Rested for a bit and then butchered the rabbit (well finished butchering). Not much meat (I got just under a kilo from the initial 4 pounds), definitely better for sate than rendang, but that's why I got another kilo of beef just in case. So there will be a little bit under 2 kilos of meat. Which is fine because the sauce is the best part anyway. That took up most of my night. Then I wrote about how amazing I am (even if my genius is unrecognized) and did this.

Felt good today, but I like I've been saying, with less pacing and anxiety than a couple weeks ago. I feel happy and calm, in a way and it's not just because of the beautiful weather. Thought about the question a lot, which is dumb because I won't even ask the damn question. They're happy thoughts though, not anxious ones. Of course it's easy to be happy when you keeping yourself in ignorance. 

Oh I forgot to mention that yesterday I committed to watching the extended edition of RotK on the big screen in like two weeks. Definitely worth skipping institute for.  

Sayings on the Cross: Triumph

Therefore when Jesus had taken the vinegar, he said, It is ended. And when his head was bowed down, he gave up the ghost. -John 19:30, Wycliffe Bible

Spring Day 18

 Woke up and kept hitting that snooze button because it was yet another day I didn't want to start. Showered and went off to work. Had hardly gone five minutes when I turned around because I realized I forgot my lunch and forgot to put the rabbit in the fridge to defrost, so I went back and did that. Took the long way to work again to look at the loons (and mergansers and coots. I love going by the lake this time of year). Was beautiful. Graded papers and mostly finished grading them. Played games, taught my sections and went home. Set up for movie night. A few people came and we had a good time. Ordered pizza and everything. Showed them the wall. Sat around reading some stuff and then wrote. Realized that God knows that I'm not asking the question with sincere intent to act, so maybe that's another part of why I'm getting no answer (also, it's just something I need to figure out myself blah blah blah)

Tagged this one with goals so that I remember a couple things I want to talk about later

• How to do Your Name right
• On Folklore

Moodwise, I was pretty good. Maybe a little down in the morning, but not far from what I think "normal" is supposed to be. I noticed I was a lot more focused on grading papers than a couple weeks ago and less annoyed with the students. Basically no pacing too. But there's a lot of confounding factors (question less on my mind? A bit more removed from a depressive state? easier assignment to grade?) and I don't want to get caught up in confirmation bias either. Felt quite good in the evening but that's because movie night went well. 

Sayings on the Cross: Distress

 Later, knowing that everything had now been finished, and so that Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, “I am thirsty.” - John 19:28, NIV

Spring Day 17

Got up, waited out the dregs of the storm and went to my office. Chatted with coworkers and prospective students for a bit before going to the seminar. Seminar was fine. After the seminar, discussed my identification strategy with classmates. They agree that this makes the most sense for my question but that's not really what I needed. Chatted more. Held office hours and just chatted with people since no one ever comes. Got food and then graded papers (about 1/4 of the way done and only in like an hour. Also a lot less pacing than last time I was grading. Probably less irritated too?)

Institute was really good. We covered the feeding of the 5000 and Jesus Walking on Water, which are well known stories but I actually got a lot out of them. Was quite talkative, since I had lots of thoughts and well I like to make them known, especially if others aren't being talkative. Econ seminar rules! I'll one thought I had (and shared) was about the feeding of the 5000 and I'll record the synopsis below because I'm pretty proud of it.

I've seen before people to try explain, or really deny, the nature of this miracle as being the result of people adding to the baskets as they were passed around, rather than the bread being miraculously duplicated. But like, if anything that's a greater miracle. Any common god can create something out of nothing or command the physical realm. But to change the hearts of the people and make them want to become better, more charitable? That's the point of the atonement and the true power of God. The enact a mighty change of heart, to cause people to want to act in accordance with God. That's much more miraculous than any sort of duplication of bread could ever be.

Makoto Shinkai night continues to go forward; people actually want to come. Ended up keeping it just to work people since more interest was registered than I expected and well the question still looms (no time to answer it). So I gotta clean the house tomorrow and do things like send out a time and address. 

Couple of songs I hadn't heard before but stuck out to me today. Bossa Nova Corps by Origami Angel ("I don't see what you see in me, like I'm some sort of deity"). In context, this seems to be about fame and how people now treat the narrator differently now that he's famous. But having been there in a very different context, man did that hurt. There's little scarier than someone telling you that you're like a god to them, utterly adored in a worshipful sense. Teenagers/very young adults suck. The other song was Running Wide Open by Coma Cinema ("I let the years go by I let no one know what's inside My broken heart keeps a beat just fine I don't want to die no more"). Dunno what the context is but those lines hit hard for obvious reasons. I was really bad as a teenager, convinced that I should die young, preferably in a shootout with the FBI. And well, that's not what I want in life anymore. Hasn't been for a long time.

Moodwise, I guess I was normal today. Talkative, fairly cheery even? Not to anxious or agitated, even concerning the (unanswered) question. Definitely not sad, though maybe just a bit more melancholic than yesterday? I dunno.

Sayings on the Cross: Abandonment

 wbatša‘ šā‘yin: q‘ā’ yešua‘ bqālā’ rāmā’ we’mar, ’ēl ’ēl lmānā’ šbaqtāni di’aiteyh ’elāhi ’elāhi lmānā’ šbaqtāni - Mark 15:34, Peshitta