Pre-Summer Day 1

After going to bed around 11:30, I woke up around 2ish. Thrashed around and eventually fell back asleep. Such is depression. At least I wasn't too stressed about it. Woke up for real around 8:30. Had a lot of trouble getting out of bed. I just didn't want to do anything. I cried a bit. I think I eventually pulled myself out by 10ish? Showered and eventually made it downstairs to eat lunch before going to the office, supposedly to work.

Biked slowly to the office (it was a nice, if too hot day). I didn't do any work. I did figure out which therapist is probably the best choice but I didn't call up the office. At some point I was just listening to music with my head buried in my arms on my desk. Eventually I decided I would just go home, so I slowly biked home (it was hot).

I curled up on my bed, falling in and out of half sleep. Not because I was tired but because I didn't want to do anything. Couldn't pull myself to do anything. Eventually I was able to reheat some dinner even if I didn't really want to eat. Had a zoom call about work (the other boss, not the one I've been waiting to get an assignment from). Sat around some more. Made some grilled cheese, not because I was hungry but because I knew I needed more calories. Eventually got around to writing this.

I've been listening to AJJ (shame they chickened out and changed their name)'s new album. It's good but I definitely prefer the rawness of their earlier stuff. Maybe because I'm still a nihilistic, misanthropic teenager at heart. When I decided to go home, I was hoping I'd have the energy to play the bass, maybe start a new song (Press Gang Redux) but of course I didn't. I didn't have the energy for anything. Just like how I didn't write about the 3 main ways I experience depression and how I've learned to deal with them. Even though I wanted to write about that.

I'm feeling better than earlier, in that I'm not feeling anything at all. I'm tired, despite all that sleep. I feel empty, but not particularly sad at the moment. I just have no motivation to do anything. I'm sure tomorrow I'll also feel bad and will likely continue to feel so until it just fades one day. But I have some events scheduled at least.

My sunburn really doesn't feel as bad as it could either. 

Memorial Day 2023

I'm sad, so sad. It took me an hour to write three paragraphs about my day yesterday. I don't want to do anything except curl up in my bed and pity myself. I've cried (with and without tears) several times writing this and the last post. And it's not like anything bad happened today. On the contrary, today was awesome (like the rest of this weekend). One of the best Memorial Days I've had in years and I tend to have good Memorial Days. 

I got up at 5:30 to go count birds (I traded my camping Saturday for today). For once, I actually got out of bed and was pretty much ready to go a little after six. I had an orange and yogurt. I went to my office, did the survey and didn't find anything. Next up was a pancake breakfast about 9 miles away. Honestly, I wasn't exactly feeling it but I promised the host I'd go and I'm really glad I did. 

Pancakes were delicious (I had two) and we played Catch Phrase after, which was fun. Then me and another guy decided to get inner tubes to join in on a river floating expedition. So we did that and somehow made it to the meet up point before everyone else. Others got there and then we carpooled up to the launch point. Tubes/boards filled and off we went. I half swam, half tubed for a while. Eventually we decided to do a big link up and at that point I ended up attached to the kayak (which like wasn't super intentional but worked out nice since the two kayakers happened to be people I quite like and get along with. Not that I have any problem with the rest of the group, just those two are in my upper half). When the link fell apart I asked if the kayakers were okay with dragging me; they were and so off we went. 

We visited a sandbar and then caught up with the rest of the group. Lots of chatting, getting to know one another better. Tossing the Frisbee around between paddleboards. Swimming. Just having fun. We stopped for lunch on a sandbar. I ate a PB&J (but not a very full one) and half a muffin. We went out again. Still had much further to go. Much of the same continued, doesn't need much mentioning here. Eventually we made it to the destination. Got very sunburned because of insufficient sunscreen; I wanted to even out my farmers tan but alas.

It was around 6 at that point so I'd been up for over 12 hours, had biked over 13 miles, swam a bunch and was generally tired. The guy I rode over with was going to the launch site to get the cars we left there and since my bike was left at the house of one of the kayakers, I asked if it would be okay to squeeze into his pickup truck. Despite seating only 2, they were okay with that (I would've been fine waiting and made this clear) and so off we went. Dropped the one not driving home and then went to where I started. Loaded my inner tub on the bike and off I went, 13 miles to go.

The only real event on the way home was getting chased by a goose. They were on the path so I waited until they moved off (hissing at me the whole time). After that I thought I was in the clear but as soon as I turned my back one of the adults came at me as I stumbled away. As mentioned, the rest was uneventful. 

Got home, ate a slice of pizza and showered. Began writing my entry for yesterday as an overwhelming sense of unhappiness, like I haven't really felt since March. I guess the high from positive stimulii finally wore off. It didn't even take me too much by surprise, since as I mentioned, my appetite and general desire to do things has been dropping. I hate feeling like this and it's quite clear at this point there's no cause. Maybe depressive cycles make me more sensitive to stress and relationship issues and the like, but most of these episodes probably don't have a cause; as I used to think they did. Really hoping that I'll feel better tomorrow or at least soon, but if not, oh well. I got work to do.

I was already planning on calling the therapist tomorrow but now I am really planning on it. Shame though, I had hoped to start while I was euthymic.

Weird Period Day 7

Slept for a decent amount of time for once. Maybe 7 hours? Showered and decided to bike to church because it was a beautiful day. Church was fine. About the only thing special was that someone threw out our bread so we ended up using crackers for the sacrament.

Went home and slept + did some online shopping (new shoes + summer gym membership). Went over to the park to play frisbee and spikeball (like I said a beautiful day). Went over to a friend who's moving's house to say goodbye and play games. Went home, having learned that I lost my back light somewhere. Overall a very good day.

You might have noticed that I didn't talk about eating. I had some pizza and cookies and that's about it. I just wasn't really hungry. That's because I'm entering a depressive state I think. It's hard to say because I've been putting myself in situations to keep my mood up (but more on that in my next post).

Weird Period Day 6

 Got up at 5:30 to go count dead birds. Made it out of bed by 600 (though I didn't really go back to sleep, I was just finding it hard to get out of bed) and was out the door by 6:30. Didn't find any dead birds. Just one more of these to go. Got McDs (I was hungry) and then headed over to the Arboretum for service. We were clearing out garlic mustard and dame's rocket and there were a lot of both. At least it was shady. 

Ate pizza with the ward and then got a ride to the baptism. Baptism was fine, I gave the closing prayer. Went home. Went to the festival. Hung out with people. Ate ice cream (very good) and played cornhole (won one, lost one. But we were making a good comeback at the end and just got unlucky that the other team got 21 perfectly their first try). Went home. 

Found a tick on my chest, which is a weird place for a tick to be. Not sure if I got it while clearing plants or from laying on the grass for 5 minutes at the festival. Probably service but why would it attach there? Looked like an American Dog Tick. Anyway, now I have to wait and see if I get sick in the next few days. It wasn't attached very long (8 hours at most probably) based on the lack of engorgement. I couldn't find tweezers and it was real stubborn getting out. Dental floss didn't work, the cotton swap trick didn't work. Eventually I got it out with my fingers, which is ill-advised but luckily I got the mouthpiece out too (or rather, got the tick out in one piece). Took a little chunk of flesh with it. 

Did the climbing party. Had fun playing random music, didn't climb much since I live here and can use the wall whenever I want. Good food. That went from 7 till after 10. Watched some Alone with roommate. Went up to my room to do this. Will probably watch the second episode of Unicorn Warriors Eternal after this, before finally sleeping.

I spent like 11 hours today with people, so that was pretty exhausting even if I enjoyed it (She was one of the few people I could stand to spend that much time with). Also I'm just tired in general, on account of lack of sleep and high amount of work/energy spent. Will exercise a lot in the next few days again just cause how the holiday weekend works. I'm glad I'm tired when I'm happy (am I happy? I think I am?). Means it's probably genuine happiness. I also made a bit of progress on the question, so yay? At least, I think I did. 

Weird Period Day 5

Yeah, I got home at midnight so I didn't bother doing this then. I was exhausted (even if I didn't go to sleep for another hour). 

Got up at 730 to go to the festival and get vouchers for free brats (because I showed up on Friday morning on a bike). Was annoying finding the line for bikes, but eventually got 2 vouchers worth $5 each. Used one and saved the other for Saturday. Went home and went back to sleep for like an hour and half. Maybe a bit less.

Still no news on the work front. Looked through dropbox a bit. Sat around. Made sure my white pants fit. Sat around. Got dressed and waited to get picked up. Rode to Chicago. Went to the temple (first endowment session in like 5+ years). Mostly remembered how things worked. At least, they came back to me. It was good. Went home. 

Talked a lot, since the car ride is 2 hours each way. Was nice learning more about them (even though I did know all of them decently well; we went camping together just the week before after all) and sharing more about my own life. We all joked about how Sunday's devotional was like personal attacks.

Weird Period Day 4

So between not falling asleep until after 3 and my foot hurting, I decided to not go running today. So after getting up at 7 I went back to sleep for another hour or two. Got up, showered, saw that I still don't have any work assignments and began prepping for cooking. I think?

Made gado2, which was a first for me. I blended the peanuts (not fresh, but unsalted dry roasted which was the closest I could get) and made the peanut sauce. Then I marinated and fried the tofu and tempe. I overcooked my cabbage but the other veggies (potatoes, green beans, bean sprouts and spinach) turned out well. Finally, I made sambal tomat, though it probably needed more tomatoes. Maybe. Took a long time because my workflow was very inefficient (a second cook would've been quite helpful) but it turned out well. Hit with the missionaries and roommates and was basically all eaten up (except the peanut sauce and sambal because there was so much of that). We ate outside because it was really nice and there was more space.

After that I did dishes and lay around. Read up on some family history stuff. Wrote this. Going to bed soon because I'm tired. 

ugh

It's 2:30 and I'm tired but also can't fall asleep. Usually insomnia doesn't bother me that much but maybe right now it is because I don't really have anything keeping me up? I'm not anxious about or excited by anything. There's nothing on my mind really. Is it just ennui? Is it my bad diet? I don't know. 

I gotta get up early too, to go running.