Spring Day 42

Got up (a bit early but not too early I think). Eventually showered. Post-church meeting was cancelled but I biked anyway so I could go to my office to work afterwards. It's the end of April and I'm still wearing long johns when biking, which is not cool. Ending up working during our fifth sunday lesson (while still participating mind you) which is good because I could not focus on grading at my office. No concentration when I feel like t h i s. Lots of pacing. Eventually got my Tuesday presentation outlined at least. Went home, was slow because of the wind and a very full backpack. Ate dinner. Still haven't put away my laundry, so really living up to that depressed guy stereotype. Didn't grade at home either. Or work on my presentation (which honestly is pretty easy. It's only 15 minutes and I already have everything in text format. I just need to turn it into a presentation). I'm getting up early to leave for work early so I can just do it at the office. Hopefully before the rains start again. 

Still feel pretty bad. Like I said, really hard to concentrate, really agitated. But the thoughts aren't too bad yet, just the mood, the general feeling. It's definitely not full on depression yet, but slowly it will be. Just need to hold out a bit longer. 

In other news, I've been thinking a lot about Šyþed Pyklez. I can't wait till after the 9th, when I should have time to finish my last two songs for Fishing for Birds. But what I was thinking about more was album art for my next two albums. Dead Ponies in the Rain is a drawing that I cooked up in paint and then fried in photoshop. It works well for what that album is. A decade ago I did some pencil/inks sketches for Fishing for Birds. I might still have them somewhere and if not, well I can color digitally. So that's what I was planning to do for a long time, until a couple of weeks ago when I noticed an empty Amazon box in my room with the text "use for a last minute diorama." Well that struck me as a brilliant idea, so I think I'm going to make a diorama of someone fishing for birds out of construction paper, pipe cleaners, toilet paper tubes, cotton swabs, toothpicks and crayons and then use a photo of that for the cover. Photographing it honestly seems more daunting than making it. Anyway, such a cover would be very different and iconic even. So I'm excited to make that this summer. For Doctrines of Annihilation I am thinking of getting a 12x12 canvas and actually painting something for the cover. I'm thinking a black background (I know, super cliche for album art, but this is my "traditional" album) with a golden door in the middle. Use dark greys to create faint stars around the background. Line the edge with golden sunstones and other esoteric symbols. Title in red at the top and then spell out "xayiti pikilese" in Maya glyphs somehwere on it. Will take a lot of planning and of course is better in my head, but I'm also pretty excited about this. I also decided to add a (short) 10th song right after the title track to balance it out. Something ambient, tentatively called Kolob. I've also given tentative titles to the currently unnamed songs: Elements of Innovative Destruction and Dogwood. The first is a riff off a major theme of the first half, destruction while also adding to the idea that Šyþed Pyklez are innovative disruptors, as seen in Pioneers and Settlers. For the second, I wanted something flower themed and dogwood flowers fit really well with some of the themes of the second half. So it works well.

Spring Day 41

So as mentioned earlier, I'm definitely reentering a depressive state. And in typical atypical depression fashion, it's by far most noticeable when I'm not around people.

Woke up at 5:15, which honestly wasn't too bad because I was meaning to get up at 5:30 anyway. Also my window was open so birdsong and cars and the like. Well it was raining so I pushed back going to campus to count dead birds (0) as much as I could. Eventually just went in the rain anyway, arriving around 7. That went uneventful and then I got ready for the temple trip. 

Changed and went over to the church for the temple trip. Arrived a little before 9, which is when I had marked for the carpool. No one was there. I stuck around for 20 minutes and then went back to my office to grade. Oh how I hate grading and I've had so much trouble focusing on it. Since I was already in my nice clothes and there was a baptism at 11, I decided to go to that. Had to fight through a bunch of racers, since my office was completely surrounded by them. Baptism went well, then I headed back to my office (race was over) to grade more. I hate grading and it took me at least an hour to get back into focus. Graded for a while (lots of pacing involved) and then went to a birthday party. That was nice, hanging with friends and not grading. Relieved some of my misery for a while, but of course it started coming back as I left. Saw a weird muskrat (?) on the way home. Just lay in bed for a while, started the rest of my laundry, cooked dinner and did more grading (I'm almost done). I'm grading too nicely because I just don't care right now. I'm only able to do what I did because of the pressure to finish and move on to my other projects due soon.

I know my body well enough that I entirely expected to start feeling bad again around this time. I was just hoping it would wait another week or so. Enough time to complete what I need to complete before I fall apart. I'm looking forward to summer at least, even if I feel terrible right now. It's not even like I'm consumed by guilt or self doubt/hatred or anything like that right now. I know that people like me and I can tell myself pretty easily that bad thoughts aren't true. But that doesn't help with the psycho-physical feelings. I just feel bad and I don't want to feel bad and I dread the bad feelings. Therapy doesn't help with that as far as I've experienced, except as a reminder that they'll disappear eventually. Which I know, but that's not very helpful in the moment. Anyway, need to call the psychiatrist Monday morning. 

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Yeah, I'm definitely slipping back into a depressive state. And the great thing is that thanks to my (okay) documentation, it's pretty clear that there is no cause. I'm not saying that sarcastically. I really am glad because I've spent so much time rightly or wrongly trying to attribute causes to my emotional state. But I have records here that at least sometimes it really is just the chemicals in my brain going bad.

Well anyway back to grading. It's so hard to focus on it

Spring Day 40

Couldn't go climbing this morning so I got up, showered and went to teach my class. Went back to my office, did some admin and didn't grade. Went to SS to watch IO presentations (mine is next Friday). Left midway through to teach my class, then went back to finish them off. Went to the econ happy hour (briefly) and then over to the park for a picnic with a couple people from the ward. That was nice. Played some sand volleyball (I am no good, but whatever) and hung out. Weather was beautiful today. Went home, showered and started laundry. Am currently waiting for my whites to finish and couldn't grade this evening because the university system isn't letting me (or presumably anyone) log in. Oh well

I've definitely been feeling worse in the morning and then better as the day goes on. Don't know if that's because social interaction is helping with my dysmythia or something else. I guess we'll see tomorrow. Still, my average mood is definitely lower these past few days compared to previously, or say last week. Less energy too (though I'm still not sure if that's because I'm high energy in my euthymic state or because of something else).  

Spring Day 39

 I woke up in the middle of the night. Again. Took a while to fall asleep (though I wasn't stressed about that). In the morning though, I realized what's starting to happen. But more on that later.

Got to work fairly early with the intent to grade. Did not grade. Played Avalon with the English corner. Got assassinated but that's okay, I wasn't Merlin so we won. Taught my classes. Sat around on reddit, a lot. Being unproductive. Didn't leave my office till like 10:45. Being unproductive. Saw the beaver on my way home, so I have yet another blurry photograph of it. One day!

It's clear that I'm entering a dysthymic state again. Right about when I expected, late April. No obvious trigger (which there shouldn't be, I spent too much time focusing on those and barked up too many wrong trees). Waking up in the middle of the night is one of the symptoms, it will probably switch to terminal insomnia soon. I've been a lot more agitated as well (pacing and the like) and unable to concentrate on anything of value. Trying to grade today was much different than other days (and more akin to spring break, except even less so). I guess I'm learning the signs, which is a good thing? We'll see if working on my presentations and proposal triggers anything worse. I guess it really is time to get a hold of a therapist. Or a psychiatrist really. Can't keep putting that off.

I'll admit, I do question the value of therapy. I know the basics of it, I know this will pass. I know that I'm fine, people don't hate me and I don't really hate myself. I don't need someone else to tell me that. I need medicine to keep me happy or more likely to keep my moods in balance in the first place.

Spring Day 38

Class this morning was on presentations, which is something I'm pretty confident in (overly confident?) so whatever. Two big presentations next week, yay. Didn't do much in the afternoon. Institute was interesting. Not many people showed up and it was a pretty heavy. We discussed why we suffer, why there is adversity and what that means. At the end we were talking about how adversity contributes to our own personal testimony and as someone said, it's hard to believe any testimony grows without the waters of adversity. Certainly true for me. How else did I turn from a well read but testimony less elder to the man I am today? It was every trial I was faced with, failed or not. It was the pains I felt, and feel, moving through life. It's because there's no way to feel God's love quite like when you're unable to love yourself and only wish for death.

I didn't say it quite like that though. Instead I talked about how I'm arrogant and prideful and need trials to knock me down a couple pegs. Which is true but not the full truth. And for that audience, that was okay.

Tomorrow is a grading day. So is Friday probably. Saturday, Sunday and Monday I need to make slides. The next week and a half is going to suck.

Spring Day 37

 I could've done this yesterday, but I didn't.

I think I read more Wrestling the Angel in the morning. I also finished writing out my suggestion for why the book club should read Infinite Jest, as a pastiche of DFW of course. Complete with a footnote longer than the actual suggestion. Didn't do much in the afternoon. A little after 4 I headed out to the Southwest part of town to help a friend move and then to see Suzume (the theater was in the same part of town).

Suzume was awesome. First of all the animation was incredible, as expected. Secondly, it was just a good straightforward road-trip/adventure. But that's not really why it hit me. I don't know what it was, but all the disaster scenes just dug right into my heart. Especially near the end