Resting Day 1

 So yeah, I missed enough days that it's really just time for a new numbering scheme. As for the past weekend, I've been feeling fine (at least not dysthymic) since Friday. I had a lot of trouble focusing on my proposal but I did get that done (knuckling down at the few days/hours) and with a lot more words than everyone else apparently. Finally got around to grading exams Tuesday night (really Wednesday morning) after coming home from a movie night. Was able to get through them relatively quickly, finished up around 4 in the morning. Went to bed, but took at least 30 minutes to go to sleep. Listened to the birds and recorded one for inspiration. 

I felt great today (especially the first half of the day), even with like less than 4 hours of sleep. Absolutely beautiful outside, my work is done so I get to take the next few days off and man did that make me feel good (maybe?). Did two trips through the Arboretum, looked at birds over the marsh on a boardwalk I hadn't done before. Saw a big tree with beaver marks. 

Had a grad student committee meeting, didn't get much out of it but whatever. Talked with colleagues. Sat around listening to tiny desk concerts while I waited to go to institute. Went to institute. Lots of people showed up because it was pizza day. Hung out a bit after institute. Went back to my office because I left all my stuff there and to wait to go Aurora hunting. Went home, sky was cloudyish and according to predictions, it wasn't going to reach here anyway. Maybe tomorrow. Got home around 11. Lay around for a bit. Came downstairs to write this.

What's the point of all of this? Well, I am once again unsure if I'm feeling good because this is normal or because of (potential?) hypomania. I was obviously higher energy than normal and I skipped a lecture to ride my bike on pure impulse. It's 1 am and I'm just starting to get tired (minus like a 10 minute nap in the mid afternoon after the bike ride). But while grading I was mostly just focused, not agitated (though there was some pacing) and irritated. I've had lots of creative thoughts (writing Fishing for Birds and getting a hook I almost like) but haven't actually worked on scoring Counting Sheeple like I planned to. And like, there's plenty of contextual reasons to be happy. No more grading. Don't need to think about my proposal for a couple days. Beautiful weather. Pizza. I didn't feel extra talkative today, but maybe I was (but also I'm just a talkative person...). So yeah, I guess I'll maybe figure this out one day. Manic or just a weird unipolar depressive? Who knows. I need to call the psychiatrist tomorrow and set something up. And do some other admin stuff. Like grocery shopping.

Oh and I'm sunburned now.

Spring Day 47

Got up (late, I was planning on working on my slides in the morning but my phone died and I didn't realize that until after I woke up since I wake up too early every day). Decided to not go climbing (my membership runs out soon anyway and I need to call and see if they're doing a student summer deal again. Went to a professor's wedding shower that the department was holding. That was nice. Food was good and it meant I did most of my work socialization for the day. Finished my presentation, sat through 3 hours of presentations and then did mine. It was pretty bad but I don't really care.

Rushed over to the park so I could make a 20 minute appearance at the department picnic before meeting up with people from church to go to dinner and a blues concert. Did my rounds, had a root beer and some (real indonesian!) satay and then off I went to the church. Could've stayed a bit longer since everyone else was late, but that's beside the point. We went to a Laotian restaurant which we thought was next door to the venue but actually was attached to the venue (which was really convenient for us since we could eat during the show). Listened to the music and eventually got up and danced (poorly, but energetically). Carpooled back to the church and rode home in the drizzle, which was actually pretty nice.

I'm really glad that I went to the concert. I wasn't sure when I decided to commit to it but it was really fun. Plus I got to get to know better some people that I only sort of know and some that I barely know. Sure I didn't know any of the songs so singing along was a bit hard and we were by far the youngest group there but hey, don't need that to cut up the dance floor. Which I did because why not. Also we might do karaoke night, so hopefully that goes somewhere because I love karaoke.

I think all the socializing today has mostly kept the dysthymia at bay. Probably because it was mostly low key and with lots of escape points, which are. Plus I like music (the word is now out that I have made music in the past, so I'll let that rumor spread for a while and see if anyone finds it. Not that it's hidden) and that's a distraction from all the people when I need it. So I still feel decent even now. We'll see how tomorrow goes.    

Also, it is Kierkegaard Day. So I changed my profile picture (as is tradition) and posted a cryptic "210" status. Which had one friend text me asking if I got hacked and more worringly, has multiple likes. Why would anyone like a no context "210" is beyond me.

 

Spring Day 46

What even did I do yesterday? I had to go to work to proctor an exam, played an intense game of Avalon and reworked my presentation. I went home, didn't work much. Went out to the boardwalk, learned how to identify a blue winged teal. Beautiful day. Eventually worked on my slides more. That's about it. A low key day. I don't think I felt too bad? Definitely not great but also just normal sad, not really sad.

On the prodigal son (but really his brother)

The parable of the prodigal son is a well known one that lots of people can relate to. I sure can, as has been hinted at and even discussed on this blog. Maybe I never went fully to the far off country, but I sure did in my heart.

More importantly though, I relate strongly to the elder brother. And not in a good way. To me, his story is ultimately one about resentment. The sort of resentment that you can't really know without being the eldest. And I hate that about myself and it definitely reflected in my comments about this parable during institute. 

Resentment about feeling like you always have to be the stable point in the family. Resentment about feeling that you need to be perfect, because you are the example and if you aren't perfect all your siblings' failures are your fault. Resentment about your asceticism and martyr complex that may have developed because the oldest has to be the protector and you felt like you could never have anything until you made sure that everyone else's needs were met first. Resentment about being taken for granted because you were always there and you felt like no one needed to express their appreciate, because helping is just what you do and everyone knows that. Resentment about how they had so much more growing up than you did (not that your childhood was horrible or anything, just a function of family money). Resentment about how you felt you could never ask for help from the parents because they only have so much time and money. Resentment about how you felt you had to work and study twice as hard to keep your scholarships because you didn't want to be more of a financial burden than you already were since there's still 5 siblings who need to get through college and well, you're the perfect one who can be trusted to carry this burden. Resentment about how you felt you had to be the perfect mormon boy and couldn't be openly apostate because even though you weren't sure you believed anything you didn't want that to rub off on your siblings. Resentment about how you're an intensely private person because you didn't want to burden your parents or them with the details of your private life. Not that you had any privacy growing up anyway. 

And jealousy. Jealous of the relationships you never had with your siblings that they have with each other and with your extended, because you moved 9000 miles away when they were still young and never got the chance to know them as teenagers or adults. Jealous of the trips you never went on because you were working or studying or just too far away. Jealous of the experiences you never had. Jealous of the parental support they got (like actually getting a therapist) and you never did because your parents learned a lot raising you they probably couldn't apply to you. I mean it's pretty fucked up when your kid gets so angry about a game that he decides he's going to commit suicide by standing in a river until he gets hypothermia and dies. And then he actually stands in the river. Obviously it wasn't a very credible threat but surely worth a follow up visit with a shrink when you finally had a home again, especially when your son already had a long history of (attention seeking) self destructive behavior and mood issues.  

And they probably resent you too. Because you're grumpy and moody and angry. Because you're withdrawn, especially at family gatherings, and hide yourself and don't talk about your life or your feelings and you refuse to open up. Because you're mean and competitive and always itching for a fight. Because you're self centered and an attention seeker and dominate every conversation you are in. Because you're perfect and everyone admires you and you set the bar so high and tear anyone who gets too close down. Because there's no doubt you'll be successful and your life is already so well put together (lack of girlfriend aside, but you probably have a secret one anyway, since it's not like you ever tell them about your private life and you do have a history of secret girlfriends). Because you're free and independent and have been since they were young (and even in high school got away with all sorts of things they never could).

The elder brother would have gone into the party eventually. He wasn't actually angry about it, not in the long run. He loved his brother, I'm sure he did. He just needed time to process the fact that his brother was back. He needed time to process that all those demands he felt, the demand to be perfect and to be a good example and to work twice as hard to make up for his brother, weren't demands from his father but demands he created out of thin air for himself. He just needed to process that his father did love him, for who he was and not what he did (or didn't) do. It was never about the fatling.

And maybe he was throwing a tantrum because he didn't know how to open up about this to himself or to others. Maybe he was just looking for someone to ask him how he was doing. And maybe you do the same thing. Want the same thing. Maybe the reason you're so rebellious is because you want someone to stop you and ask you why you are acting like this. Maybe part of the reason you ruined a family temple trip was so that someone would confront you about it and ask you why you're refusing to renew your recommend. Maybe what you really fear was what you got, quiet acceptance and disappointment, nothing more. Maybe you want your family to pry more into your personal life. Maybe you want permission to be open. Permission you don't need but want anyway.

I love my family. I really do. I don't know how to express that to them. I don't know how to let them know that I care a lot. That I think about them and how they're doing all the time. That I'm proud of their achievements. That I'm proud of who they're growing to be, who they've grown to be. That I'm sorry for how terrible of a brother I've been a lot of the time. That I'm working on being happier and fixing what's wrong with my brain. So that maybe I can one day tell them this. That I don't really resent them (even if everything I said is based in truth) but sometimes I tire of fighting my demons. Or since they all saw Suzume, sometimes there's a big black cat god behind me.  

Spring Day 45

Woke up sometime between 4 and 5. Spent until 6 in bed, moving in and out of light sleep. I hate this terminal insomnia and how even when I set my bedtime earlier it still catches up with me. But I know that worrying about being awake just makes it worse and to wait it out. At 6 I got up and started grading. Did some and then showered. Did more grading. Went to the office and did more. Attended presentations. Spent time with coworkers. Finally finished grading. Decided it was too nice to work on my friday presentation (which I've completely changed what I'm doing anyway which is both easier since I can reuse parts of my old presentation and harder because I now need to relate it to IO) so I went to the arboretum. That was nice, even if I felt terrible. 

Institute was intense. I think I might have offended some people by being a bit too harsh (in facing my shadow). I'll talk about that in my fourth post of the day. Went home, ruminating on institute and acknowledging that I do have some pretty deep resentment towards my family.

Got home and faffed around, not really wanting to do anything but lie under the covers and pity myself. I really don't like being depressed, I just haven't had time to call the psychiatrist this week and set something up. Forced myself to do these since writing out my feelings is better than just thinking them.

Spring Day 44

Had an alarm set for 5:30 so of course I woke up before that. Actually did get to my slides and even finished them with dozens of minutes to spare. Did a bit of grading and then gave my presentation. Did fine despite how bad my proposal is. Got some good feedback. After many other presentations, went and got lunch. Graded afterwards but not as much as I should have. Went home and then went outdoor climbing. That was fun and the sunset was pretty. Got home at like 10 and was so tired. Ate ice cream for bed and went to sleep, with the intent of getting up around 6 to finish grading. 

 

 

Spring Day 43

Yeah, I've been really late on this. I had every intention of going out early, grading at my office and preparing my slides. Well it was raining so I decided not to. Had to eventually though, because of office hours. I got a bit of work done after that and then went to FHE for mario kart and smash, which was fun. Went home, ate dinner and got to work on my slides. Got like 4 done and decided that I'd just have to finish them in the morning and went to bed. Forgot to do this.