Resting Day 7

 Woke up a bit early, but I had my window open so that may have played a role. Snoozed my alarm a couple of times and then took a shower. Slowly packed up and off to the climbing gym. Climbed for a bit and then went to my office. At my office, I was waiting for my coworker to leave so I could do some recording. While waiting, I refreshed myself on what power electronics can be like and read some random things. Eventually my office mate left and I got to work. 

First, I readded my "siren" and then put in a distorted midrange pad to give it some extra static. I also worked on the sound design of the vocals. I couldn't figure out my melody though, so I eventually just sang something and got all the words recorded. I still need to figure out musically what I want to do in the chorus. I'll probably move the bass up and into a zone where you don't need a subwoofer and can actually here some movement. Then I'll do a more melodic bass thing. Combine that with a distorted music box maybe as my lead. That will give the chorus a significantly different feel while also being a bit poppier than the rest of the song. 

I'm most proud of the bridge/breakdown section. I'll need to mess around with the bass some more there too, but I do some fun things with hyper distorted vocals (you can't even tell I'm counting) and a distorted drum beat (right now it repeats itself too frequently, which is more rhythm than I want, so I'll be changing that up a bit too). Hopefully with a bit of work and maybe some rerecorded vocals, I'll be able to hit my self-imposed deadline. 

A number of students emailed complaining about their grades. Like, I left good comments on why I gave them the scores they did and the professor has backed me up each time, so I don't know why they bother. Substandard work is substandard. Anyway, I'm stuck meeting with one tomorrow to see if they can argue any higher points but I was already really generous compared to the rubric so I'm not sure what more they can do.

Felt fine today and did force myself to be slightly productive. So that's good. I'd rather feel happy than fine, but maybe that's the problem. Who knows. Not me.

Resting Day 6

Got up at a reasonable time, despite staying up too late. Didn't do much in the morning but as I was preparing to go get my hair cut and then get a tent, I got an email reminding me that I forgot to grade a test. So I rushed off to my office (where the exam was; it was turned in physically which is why I forgot about it) and graded it. Then went to get my hair cut. It is much shorter now, to the disappointment of the woman cutting my hair. She though it was beautiful long (I don't disagree but it was getting so annoying so time to be short for a few months before I get to the perfect length again). Then I picked up my stuff at the office and went to Walmart to get the tent (for the camp out this weekend; hopefully it doesn't rain).

Went home and I think I napped for a bit. Then I made dinner and went over to the Arboretum for FHE. Arrived early so I could read Infinite Jest under a tree for a bit. Started out leading a group, which slowly broke apart as I wandered around looking for birds. Among others, I saw many gray catbirds, an eastern bluebird, some swallows and a red-bellied woodpecker. I heard an owl too (at least I think it was an owl) but didn't see it. I love birdwatching. Someone asked me how I got into it and I gave the short story in the most Jacob way possible ("I was very depressed and had nothing to do except watch birds." Someone else "that's nice" (she wasn't listening fully) Me, cheerily "No it was pretty terrifying"). Then I went home and proceeded to do nothing. Except wash the pot that had been soaking for days. 

As per usual, I still feel fine, just unmotivated. Maybe I need a catalyst. I don't seem to have terminal insomnia right now, but all the excessive daytime sleepiness isn't great. I've also been staying up late, so I dunno how that factors into everything. I'll go into the office tomorrow (probably after climbing in the morning) and see if I can motivate myself into recording Counting Sheeple. I really need the vocals in so I can build the synths around them. Maybe that will get me out of my funk.

Resting Day 5- Mothers Day

So I got up, showered and prepared to go to church (after texting my mom, of course). Went to church, had a copy of my grandmother's book to read before the meeting. Meeting came and went. 2nd hour was fine. After church was the potluck, which went well. I had plenty of food. Went home, enjoying the nice day. Didn't do much else that day, except read some stuff (but not like any of my project books, just crap on the internet). Definitely napped/slept a bit and did some climbing too (people came over). Was basically really lazy. Where has all my motivation for everything gone? Am I returning to depression or not? Stayed up much too late doing nothing.

Being Mothers Day, I thought a lot about my family. One thing that really stood out to me was how my grandmother's experience being excommunicated for apostasy (she's certainly a heretic but is that the same as apostasy and deserving of an excommunication?) has affected my own testimony, personal growth and relationship with the church. It's somewhat weird to say, but her example in continuing to believe despite being kicked out, her stubborness but also integrity and the like certainly guided me to where I am today. Could be a whole post on its own. So yeah, thanks grandma, love you.

Resting Day 4

Got up at 5:30, went back to sleep till 6. Slowly made my way out the door to do bird collision corps stuff. Unfortunately I did find a bird (gray catbird, I think). It already smelled bad so was probably died earlier in the night. Then went over to help someone load up a truck to move. Which ran over because the truck was late. Finished just in time to rush over to the church for the baptism, or rather refreshments after the baptism (did give Bishop a report of the move, at least). Went to a farmers market with a couple people. The west side one, which I had never been to before (on account of it being like 9 miles from my home, though only like 3 from the church). Got some turmeric-juniper kraut, excited to see how this turns out. 

Went home, battery on like 2%. Showered and fell asleep (did not go on the nature walk, too tired. I'd done like 40+ miles in the last 24 hours by that point, and not with enough calories probably). Woke up and once again didn't do much. Except some climbing on the basement wall. Around 7ish I made dinner and around 9 started cooking tikal gomen for the potluck tomorrow. My onions and ginger felt pretty low quality, hopefully that's not an issue. This recipe felt pretty low on flavor and burning some of the onions and spices certainly didn't help. I added extra turmeric, cumin and cayenne but I'm not sure that will be enough. We'll see tomorrow I guess. At least it was cheap, even to make many pounds of the stuff (I started with like 5 lbs potatoes, 4-5 in cabbage, over a pound of carrots and a lot of onions too. Of course much of that cooks down so I don't have 10 pounds).  

Still feeling really unmotivated, but not down or anhedonic (I think). Certainly not compared to even just over a week ago. But maybe with a bit more time.

Oh and it looks like the place I wanted to go to isn't taking new patients right now. Maybe

Resting Day 3

 Got up really late (probably because I stayed up late. I think. I can't remember). First time I've truly slept in in a long time. Didn't do anything. Eventually made lunch (didn't record either, though I'm pretty sure my melody was plagiarized so back to the drawing board anyway). Napped more in the afternoon (am I really that tired?). Given all this, I decided to bike over to movie night instead of asking for a ride, since 13 miles each way would mean I at least did something in the day.

It was raining, drizzling as I left. Which was fine, I had a jacket and it means it wasn't too hot. Did my 13 miles. Got nostalgic, riding past farms in the rain. Reminded me of my mission. The movie, Dungeons and Dragons, was really fun and it was a fun group to watch it with. I like how it really did feel like a group of people roleplaying, with the harebrained schemes, jokes and the like. Plus it was funny, the quippy humor wasn't as annoying as in marvel movies and it tended to treat the audience and the characters with a degree of respect you don't get as much from pg-13 action comedies these days. Shame it was a box office bomb. Was offered a ride home but didn't take it because the rain had stopped and I wanted to enjoy the ride home. Rode slow, saw a frog and it was very nice.

Still feeling okay? Very unmotivated though.

Resting Day 2

 Didn't do much today (which is fine!). Got up, eventually went to work. Didn't do anything at work except give someone some advice (which is why I came to work in the first place) and play Coup. Everyone knows I am a brutal player now :p 

Went home, briefly napped, did some chores, made dinner (rice and onions, which tastes good but really highlights my lack of food). Worked on a potential melody; hope I'm not accidentally plagiarizing something. I think I'll record the vocals tomorrow and then get the music to fit them. Had a call with my advisor. Which went well. 

My advisor thinks I might be able to defend my proposal before fall. Which would be nice because that's more money for me. So we'll see. He also has suggestions on where to get grant money. 

Went shopping, got food for myself and also for the potluck. Burritos were on sale (past the best by date) so I bought more than normal. I am very price sensitive and microwave burritos are a high elasticity object I guess. Did some climbing on the basement wall. I can lift myself up on a 6 finger drag, which apparently is quite impressive. Didn't go aurora hunting but the sky was mixed and it probably didn't get here anyway (based on the NOAA website). 

Looked at old messages, trying to figure out when my depression started. All I know is that I certainly felt depressed in late teens, but the first episode with suicidal thoughts I have on record is when I was 21 and that same year is probably the first 2+ week episode I have recorded (though I likely had such episodes before but didn't recognize them as "real" depression. In February 2014 I mentioned that I'd been feeling depressed all the week before so maybe that's it? There's highly contextual reasons for that though). By any means, much earlier onset than average. 

Right now I feel fine. We'll see if I start slipping again or if I just feel a bit down (compared to even this morning) because I'm losing that high. Lability sucks.

Your Name: how to do the remake right

So there's been a push (by Japanese investors iirc) to do a westernized live-action remake of Your Name. Completely unnecessary but let's suppose that there's no way to stop this venture. What currently is being done (at least the rumors I've heard) and what should be done to actually capture the spirit of the movie? Spoilers below, obviously.