Bad Faith and Parties

Being the patron philosopher (and Saint, tbh) of melanchoic young wannabe christian men, it's no surprise that I'm a big fan of Søren Kierkegaard. All of his work is great but some of his best stuff comes from his journals because there's less pseudonyms and more authentic Kierkegaard. One of my favorite examples is the following:

I have just now come from a party where I was its life and soul; witticisms streamed from my lips, everyone laughed and admired me, but I went away — yes, the dash should be as long as the radius of the earth's orbit ——————————— and wanted to shoot myself.

The imagery is fantastic. The ending is a great subversion of the beginning. It's so pithy. Going into it a bit more though, it's not just the OG sadboi being sad though. It's a look into what it means to be authentic, sort of like Sartre's idea of bad faith. He's depressed but masks it well and then feels even worse about it because he's presenting an inauthentic version of himself.

Anyway, I bring this up because I find it really relatable (and was at a party earlier). I may not be the life of the party, but I'm witty enough and people do seem to generally like me (or at least pretend like they do real well). When I choose to, I tend to hide my depression pretty well (same with my social anxiety for that matter. I doubt most people realize how socially anxious I am, especially since I am a decent public speaker; it's just interpersonal stuff I really don't like). Even when I don't, my extreme sarcasm works as a pretty effective mask. It's amazing what you can say and people just roll with it.

Since I've been particularly depressed this past week or so (tends to happen late february/early march) some cracks have been forming in my mask. A friend noted the other day that I looked happier than I had in a while (there was free pizza and I do love free pizza; also it was a mentoring event and mentoring is one of the few aspects of my job I enjoy). Another friend asked if I was okay after a particularly morbid remark. So we'll see if I get noticeably worse (or better) in the next little while. The whole fact that I'm self aware about the state I'm moving through is interesting for me too. Even if I'm eating less, I know why and can monitor my weight to make sure I'm losing a healthy amount (ie, no more than a kilo a week). It also makes it easier to force myself to do things I don't want to (like say, going to a party). Which in a way makes it harder to believe that I'm depressed. So we'll see. Spring break is coming up and I'm looking forward to that.

(And as a "legal" note, no I'm not suicidal or anything like that. Just feeling low, inauthentic, fatigued and maybe somewhat anhedonic)  

  

On Deuteronomy

I've been reading more of the bible than I tend to do recently. Mostly because we're covering New Testament. The Bible is not my strong suit, beginning with the fact that I don't see the point of trying to prove our doctrine using the Bible when other other sources explain it better (and are "purer" in a sense). In fact, I don't see the point of proving doctrine at all. 

That being said, I do have an interest in reading apologetics and people who do try to study this stuff. Recently, I've definitely become a Deuteronomy truther. Mostly because it aligns with my priors as a monolatrist and someone who's suspicious of the Bible. The alleged parallels of Israelite practice with Lehite teachings in the Books of Nephi are interesting though (even if possibly overstated). I definitely like trying to understand the humanity of the prophets and the contexts they live in. 

I'll get to my beliefs in another post, but things like this strengthen my beliefs really because recognizing things like the Bible are very much products of people helps move past issues with the text. Not to mention I find the whole insistence of claiming monotheism (rather than embracing the monolatrism of Abraham and his people) to be lowering our religion to fit with the ideals of the world. So seeing an example of this anciently is fun.

So yeah, there's a lot wrong with the Bible but the Gospels are decent at least (though still too politically motivated and greek)

 

 

This year

While this blog is nominally about conlanging (hence the title) it is also my general purpose thoughts blog (hence the title). Conlanging is a lonely art, even when shared. Ultimately the only person to please is yourself or as Tolkien said "Here were no base considerations of the 'practical', the easiest for the 'modern mind', or for the million – only a question of taste, a satisfaction of a personal pleasure, a private sense of fitness." There's a power to that, to play only for yourself. That's the other purpose of this blog: to yell what I want to the world in a very public way, with the pleasure of knowing that despite this blog's open connection to my name (and presence on my facebook page!), no one will look.

Grad school leaves little time for conlanging (I tend to fill what little time I have with mindless video games) but I do think a lot. My commute leaves me upwards of an hour a day for that. I'd like to put more of those thoughts on paper (or on the internet as it is). So maybe I'll actually engage with this blog this year.

I have many goals this year. I'd like to move to dissertator status and maybe even have a good draft of a paper by the end of it. I'd like to actually travel for once (preferably on someone else's dime). I'd like to finish "Fishing for Birds". I'd like to cast off my pride (or at least some of it) and truly submit my will to my faith. I'd like to move forward in life instead of spinning my wheels and maybe confront my anxiety, my fear, my angst. I'd like to be a happy man.

 I'd also like to learn how to replace a drivetrain but that's because I broke my bike this week. So more of a short term goal.